It was hot. Then the police came.

I really need to write up the past weekend. I guess now is as good a time as ever. Mind you, I’m not in a good mood and have not felt well for 5 days.

OK…ChurchBomber arrived Thursday evening. We knew the bad weather was coming…in fact it had arrived. It was nearly 100 on Thursday. Also, at 2:00 that afternoon, the axe fell on me and my coworkers. Our operation at HealthCareRelatedCompany was being shut down. It’s bad. Real bad. The only silver lining is that I have landed with a new job within RedCompany (did I mention all of this already?). In any event, I think I’m now something called a Program Support Manager. $1 to anyone who can tell me what my new job is. I don’t know.

So, that news, coupled with the heat, the kid’s behavior and my generalized way of worrying about things like the weather, my stomach was shot.

Friday:
Woke up sick as a dog. My stomach was gone and I was shitting battery acid. Did I mention it also went right through 90 by about 9:00? JewelrySlut had to go to school for Field Day. ChurchBomber sat in the house and read. I pretended to work and continued to fret about the weather. I’m really an ass. I felt sick all day. Stress and heat. However, in the evening, I decided “Fuck it”. I’m going to the Buffett show.

Saturday:
Woke up and took Shmuppie to the Farmer’s Market to get crawfish. It was well into the 90′s by 10:00, on its way to a high of 105. Nice.

We got the mudbugs and brought them home. We let some loose on the floor.

Here’s the whole collection of them, mere moments before I plunged them into the water.

We sat by the pool a bit on Saturday afternoon and then I took Shmuppie to my parents’ house for the night. She was none too happy about not being able to attend the concert. But, we had made a deal. She could go if she was on her best behavior at school. She was not so she could not go. Good thing…because having to play the “It’s too hot” card would not have gone well. It’s good she stayed home.

We left for the show at about 5:30. The crazies had been outside since about 2:00, but we wanted no part of it. It was just…all at once now…too fucking hot. When we left, it was 104.

We got off the highway and got near the TWCPAWC (Time Warner Pavilion at Walnut Creek) or whatever it’s called. We were herded to a parking area in East Jesus. I had no clue at all where we were or even what direction to walk to get towards the seats.

We sat in the car for a while and watched morons try to construct a tent. Mind you, it’s less than 2 hours until show time and it’s hot. Why fucking bother?

Ok…so we left the car and set out. We had a big blanket and 2 chairs. Each of us held a bag containing 3 bottles of water and other sundries. I had a zip lock bag filled with 2 wet bandannas. They were to keep the one on my head wet all evening.

We walked
We walked some more
We walked

I ended up calculating it on a map and it was over 3/4 mile from the car to the seats. We passed through the crazies. People had towed in boats and were partying on them. People had busses, campers, swimming pools, they had dug beaches. It was insane. And, nearly everyone was drunk beyond belief. They had the stare that comes from drinking too much too fast in the heat. They were in for a long evening.

I unloaded Shmuppie’s ticket for only $50, but was happy to do so. Considering that I got $180 for the other 2, I was a little disappointed. But, in the end, I made $80 on the concert. Not bad. We got to the gates and walked some more. ChurchBomber looked ready to pass out. It was getting ugly and it wasn’t even 7:00 yet.

We passed through the asphalt hell of the food court and got out on to the hill. We got a good location and plopped down. The sun was evil. Very evil.

But, by about 7:30, the sun went under the hill and a breeze kicked up. I’m in no way saying it cooled off. It was simply less evil.

The crowd filled in in all its drunken splendor.

As I said to the 2 ladies “You 2, of all people, know what kind of jackass I can be. But, at least I have the decency to keep my jackassholery to myself and not have it impact other people”

The Buffett fans made me sad. There’s no occasion for a 40+ year old woman with a gut to be dressed in short shorts and a coconut bra, swigging beer and urinating on herself. None. Ok…maybe at one of those NASCAR picnics Andrea goes to, but that’s it.

Photos:

Here I am. I am hot

Look at the back tits on this guy!

Thighs like that should never see sunlight

This lady was sexy. She rolled up her shirt and showed off her back fat, FUPA and gut.

So, naturally, I did my impersonation. (NSFA (Anything))

Then a strange lady molested me because I’m just that sexy.

The show was good. I could have done without the crew who ambled right in front of us. They were all hammered. They were chugging little bottled of Parrot Bay and throwing the empties at people. Midway through the show, one of them fell on the ground and puked all over herself. Asshole.

We started out as the final song was playing because the crowd was unbelievable. We made it to the top of the hill as Coast of Carolina concluded and hiked back to the car (with a detour because our fearless (and sexy) navigator lost her way).

We got home at about 11:30 and were all exhausted.

I’m still paying for it. I’m dehydrated and still stressed about work. Oh, and yea…the cops were here last night because I had to file a complaint against a neighbor who threatened to find me and “get me”. Why did this happen? Well…I learned that a white man can easily disrespect a black man by asking him to clean up when his son pulls out his dick and pisses on the pool deck. That’s right.

I’m a white devil!

9 thoughts on “It was hot. Then the police came.

  1. I always feel a little sad when live creatures come to my house to be cooked. Then they taste good and I’m not sad any more.

    I sense the universe preparing you for your move to here, because that’s what our summers are like.

    Your shirts are awesome.

  2. Andria dear…one might say that the shirt and pirate do rag are required attire for such an event.

    Of course, I own 20+ Hawaiian shirts. I have one on right now.

  3. First of all, you have nice legs. Secondly, if I ever visit again (and don’t bother moving, I’ll still find you) you may not want to invite me to the pool, lest my cottage cheese thighs and backfat blind you for life. Are you saying your sexy navigator always gets you where you want to be? Oh, I don’t think that strange chick was molesting you, she was trying to get that god-awful shirt off of you so she could burn it.

  4. Dude, don’t blame Jimmy Buffet for your poor fashion choices. (I am referring to the thing on your head. Hawaiian shirts are obviously a fashion classic that is timeless in its style.)

  5. Bitch…it was 105 and I’m more or less bald. ChurchBomber took my floppy yellow bucket hat so I could not wear that. I needed something lest I die.

    It’s a pirate dorag! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>