I know what it looks like, but Mommy is not having a bird

We had the ultrasound last Friday. I already think I hate the doctor’s office JewelrySlut has chosen. Silly me…I chose to go along to see the sights and meet the doctors.

I was wrong for making this decision. Apparently, my lack of a vagina made it acceptable to be downright nasty to me. I also got to remember just how un-scheduled a women’s medical practice is. I remembered back to the winter of 2001 and the 2-hour waits for scheduled appointments.

9:20 – We arrive for a 9:20 appointment.
9:45: They call for JewelrySlut and I follow. I get sneered at. Do I need to announce my love for JewelrySlut and that I intend to stick around and not abandon her to the Sistahood of the Baby Momma?
9:46: I am told “Go sit on the couch”. I respond that I don’t see any couches (We’re in a hallway). A horribly rude nurse points down the hallway. I wander about and find a room with a couch. I sit.
10:00: Sit. Getting irritated
10:15: Sitting. Irritated
10:30: Sitting. Wondering if I’ll make my 11:00 conference call.
10:32: A nurse calls a male name. Mind you, it’s not mine, but, seeing as I’m the only penis-owner in the area, I assume they’re looking for me.

I enter the exam room and JewelrySlut is all up in the stirrups. They’re doing a fancy internal ultrasound.

Side note: When I asked how having a long, cylindrical probe inserted into your ha-ha could not, even the slightest way, be arousing, JewelrySlut told me it was too slender to really do anything.

WOOHOOO!!! It’s official! I’m not alone in not being able to arouse my wife!

There on the screen is a fuzzy image of what appears to be a small snowman. I get to see them take some measures, verify that there’s only one, and learn that the due date is Aug 31. We see a wiggly part that we’re told is the heart.

The doctor leaves and JewelrySlut dresses. She needs to have some blood drawn. I am rudely told by a nurse to go back to the couch. Why, I can’t say. I retreat to the little room with the couch and wait.

I hate the nurses there. There is no reason to be that rude and I ask JewelrySlut to mention it next time she’s there. I intend to come to the appointments, but I’m not going to be seated in some room the whole time and not get to see anything. I have asked JewelrySlut to talk to them about this at the next visit.

So…Friday rolls on. Shmuppie comes home from school and I’m working. At one point, I find time to run upstairs. (This is where it gets cute)

We grab the picture and summon Shmuppie into the kitchen and away from the TV. We hand her the picture.

Us: What’s this?
Shmuppie: A picture.
Of what?
Something gray.
Yes…what do you think it’s a picture of?
I don’t know. (She thinks). Is this a picture of me from when I was in Mommy’s belly?
(We get excited). No. It’s not a picture of YOU in Mommy’s belly.
Oh. Is it a bird?
No…it’s not a picture of YOU in Mommy’s belly.
(Smoke rises from the kid’s head. She’s working this one through. The little hourglass above her head is twisting back and forth)
(Screams) Mommy’s having a baby!

JewelrySlut wells up and Shmuppie jumps into her arms and immediately starts crying. I shoot a glance to JewelrySlut. Is this good or is this bad? The kid is sobbing.

Honey? Are you OK?
(Bawling) I’m just so happy. I get to be a big sister!

Much crying ensues. All is well and Shmuppie seems thrilled. She has requested that, after this one is born, that we have another. We said no.

So…we’ve known since Christmas Eve. JewelrySlut peed on a stick as we were putting Shmuppie to bed that night. Of course, as was the case last time, I was sick and could barely care. A few people were told prior to last week, but now more or less everyone knows. Facebook will do that.

So…that’s what’s happening. Booze consumption is way down at the house, but donut consumption is up. Last time, JewelrySlut gained 50lbs. She claims that there’s no way she will this time and will be back to her fighting weight by Christmas.

Me? I’m along for the ride. I’m going to have to sit with my boss and figure out how we’re going to make this work. Once August rolls around, my travel schedule is going to have to change. And, by change, I mean stop.

Until that time, I have an insane schedule. I need to go to Memphis in a few weeks and I’m constantly shuttling back and forth to PA. I’m trying to plan an April vacation and hating all major airlines as a result. It should not cost $800 to fly to the Caribbean!

2 thoughts on “I know what it looks like, but Mommy is not having a bird

  1. Very sweet story! Not the OB office part. Like the ‘baby ticker’ featuring the snowman!
    Schmuppie is lucky. Our little girl will probably be an only child because we feel too damn old.

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