This whole thing really has no purpose other than to be a rambling tale of oddity

I haven’t talked about our neighbors lately.

The FHP’s (Filthy Horse People) moved in just about 3 years ago (A single mother and her teen-aged daughter) and we’re still waiting for them to unpack. (And…FHP’s because they own a horse. It lives up in north Raleigh and they seem to spend a lot of time out of the house (presumably doing horse-related things)). They still tell us on a semi-regular basis that they’re going to do so soon. When they moved in, we were astounded to see what was moving in. Sure, there was the usual stuff; furniture, but also an odd collection of just really random shit. I can’t even describe what they unloaded because it was just such an odd assortment of crap. If you’d like to see, come on over and look through the front windows of their house. You can see it piled up there. Or, look in the back of their truck. There, you can find several games of Boggle. Because, when you boil it all down, who doesn’t need multiple Boggle games?

Side note: Mom is “a teacher”. She doesn’t work at a school…or at least we don’t think she does. She may teach at a street corner for all we know. The kid, now 16, does not go to school. We’ve been told that she doesn’t go because she’s allergic to school. Or, maybe, because the other kids pick on her. We’re not really sure. All we know is that the child of a teacher is somehow permitted by the state to just hang out at home and not receive an education.

3rd side note: Mom is also very afraid of copper thieves. And plant thieves. She’s constantly convinced that people are going to break into her backyard to pull the copper pipes from her A/C unit. She’s also afraid that these same people will steal her heirloom flower bulbs.

Side note 3A: We’d heard about these bulbs roughly for ever. In fact, at one point (before the family sold off some land (???)) they had to go to the property to dig up these heirloom family bulbs. They were going to plan them some day. Last summer, they did. You know those lilies you buy at a gas station or supermarket? They’re in no way fancy. In fact, at the NJ house, I pulled roughly 4 tons of these bulbs out of the backyard. These are the heirloom bulbs.

Why do we know all about these bulbs? Because they told us about them for over a year.

Side note 4: They have a dog that shits a lot. It is allowed to roam free in the backyard. It makes a lot of shit out there. They don’t clean it up. We’ve also learned that the dog is permitted to use the basement as a toilet. I’ve had to go to their house to request that they clean up after the dog because it prevents us from going outside. When I even offered to clean up after the dog myself, I was told that I could not because then I’d need a key to get in the backyard (through the enormous chained-shut lock). This lock keeps copper thieves, plant thieves, and her brother out. Apparently, the brother wants to steal her furniture. (???).

Side note 5: They think, again, after they unpack, that maybe they’d like fake grass like we have. This will make dog shit cleanup easier. How, you ask? Because the grass is green and the shit is brown. Better contrast. Mind you, I can stand in my bedroom, 3 floors up, and spot the mountains of dog shit out there, but they can’t see if from ground level. As a result, they don’t clean it up.

Side note 6 (and then, I’ll get back to t he story…but these little notes are needed to paint the full picture). Last summer, they had bird feeders up on their deck. No birds visited the feeders. Squirrels did. They’d eat the seeds and then launch themselves onto our deck. There, they’d knock over JewelrySlut’s plants. This would make my delicate flower of a wife livid. Especially when plants started dying. So, I asked that the feeders be moved. They were…but not because I asked. They were moved “For the children”. What?

Side note 7: Once, over a year ago, Shmuppie threw a ball over our fence into their yard. I knocked on their door to go get the ball. I found the 2 idiots sitting in their living room. Of course, to get to them, you had to walk a twisting path through the mountains of boxes and crap. They were sitting there, sorting pennies. Why were they sorting pennies? It’s simple. They were no longer trying to figure out how to suspend a model train from the ceiling.

Unpack? Nah. They noticed the look on my face and did comment that as soon as some inheritance money came through, they’d be unpacking. What now?

So…to make the whole situation even better, about 18 months ago, Mamma came to town. Mamma had been happily (we have to assume) living in an assisted living facility. For one reason or another (likely to collect her SS payments), they moved her into the house. The poor old woman is ancient. She can barely walk. She’s got a little scooter she’s supposed to use to get around. Except she can’t. The scooter can’t get through the door to the house. So, whenever they move Mamma, 2 days in advance, they need to park their minivan (outfitted with a ramp) in front of the house and run a big extension cord to it. This charges the scooter apparently.

They also put in one of those stair chair things like the old lady in Gremlins had. We suspect it’s left at the bottom all the time because Mamma is confined to the 2nd floor.

In our house, the master bedroom is in the back and we have 2 bedrooms in front. Their house is the opposite. So, our bedroom walls are shared with Mamma’s room. We learned that when they moved her in, she was provided with everything she’d need: a TV, a microwave and a mini fridge. This poor old woman is held hostage on the 2nd floor of this house with nothing but a TV…that she plays very loudly 25 hours a day. The other 2 seem to come and go at random times throughout the day. They are often spotted running in the house with a bag from Hardees’s or some other fine eating establishment and then vanishing. We don’t know where the line is that separates elder abuse from just plain old “mother-hating neglect”, but they’ve got to be close.

Side note (again): Last spring, when we went to the DR, we came home to find an email from them. They were going to be out of town and wanted to know if we’d look in on Mamma. They didn’t come over to ask, they emailed me…while I was in a different country. So, we have to assume that the poor old woman sat up there for the week without any food.

So…today, they start construction at the house. Apparently, they’re finally putting the ramp to the front door. This will likely afford Mamma with greater mobility. They’re also building a ramp out to the deck. This is gonna be tricky because our decks are only about 7 feet deep. I’m not sure where the ramp will go. The HorseChild is upset about this because, apparently, she likes to sleep on the deck.

Side notes: 1: No she doesn’t. 2: If she did, I can assume she does so in order to ward off copper or heirloom bulb thieves.

The bottom line of this tale is that these people are really weird. I don’t think they’re mean people or bad people; just 3 of the dumbest people ever to walk the Earth. I’ll make sure to keep everyone updated on the progress and insanity that brews over there.

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