What the hell happened to Halloween?

(Puts on old man hat and pulls pants past nipples)
In my day, we went out trick or treating for hours. There were no adults present and people gave out candy! Lots of candy!

I guess if she weren’t such a nitwit, I’d be compelled to feel bad for Shmuppie. But, she doesn’t know any better, so she had fun the other night. JewelrySlut persuaded Shmuppie to play along for one last year and match her sister’s outfit. JewelrySlut wanted to dress them as Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat. To say they were sickeningly cute would be an understatement. Moo didn’t wear her huge blue wig for long, but she was aware that something silly was going on and had a good time hamming for the camera for a minute or two.

As always, we went up to my parents’ house to trick or treat. In our neighborhood, nobody gives out candy, so it’s a total waste to even make the effort. Of course, by leaving the neighborhood, we become those very people, but that’s not my point. We had a quick dinner of not quite heated food (a specialty at their house) and went out at about 6:00. Until then, there had been one kid at the door. One Kid. We were out for about an hour and a half, and by then, Moo was getting tired and restless in her stroller, so we went back to the house. Apparently, very few people had come by. We’d seen very few people on the street.

Where did everyone go? Was it a Sunday thing? Was it because Raleigh doesn’t believe in Halloween? I was so confused.

Adults, and sluts in particular, have hijacked Halloween. Folks, it’s not an adult holiday. It’s a holiday for kids. It’s a night for kids to go house to house and beg for candy. It’s not an occasion to dress like a HOAR or to get blindly drunk. We have 364 other days in the year for that. Leave Halloween alone. But, that’s never going to happen. Along the way, some marketing genius convinced people that this was a major holiday and you needed to treat it as such. Whoever “they” are, they managed to build another Christmas out of this.

It’s too damned much.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some kids on my lawn that I need to shoo away.

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