Go to hell, Wii

I was in Saint Louis last week. In and of itself, that’s unremarkable. A few days spent out by the airport meeting with annoying college administrators is about as exciting as it sounds. What was remarkable about it was that, while away, I missed my 500th day on the Wii Fit.

Today was day 509 and I’m going to take time to look back and remark about how awesome I am.

We started on the Wii on December 26, 2010. I weighed in at an appalling 188lbs. The Wii told me I was overweight and suggested I either kill myself or lose some weight. 2 days later, I weighed 190lbs. The Wii spat at me, told me I was fat, and stormed off. I agreed with it. I had been watching my weight creep up consistently for a while. I exercised regularly but could not keep the pounds off. I knew that the jump from 190 to 200 would not be a hard one to make. 200 was NOT going to happen.

After the Wii got done telling me I was fat, it casually mentioned that my optimal weight was 162.5lbs. Holy Fuck. When had I ever weighed 162.5lbs? It probably was my senior year of high school. I know I was in the 150s during swimming season, and I also know that I tended to gain weight after the season ended and I wasn’t burning 14-bilion calories per day in the pool. So, I probably weighed about that much at graduation. Yikes.

I set my first goal; lose 5lbs. Wham…it came off. It wasn’t hard.
I set another goal: lose another 5. Thank you, stomach virus. Off it came.
Having lost 10lbs, I decided to rest a while. I let myself settle in at 180 for a few weeks to make sure I could hold it.
5 more came off with relative ease.
The next 5 were a pain in the ass. I had started running and immediately suffered foot injuries. All I could do to lose weight was watch what I ate. That’s not easy in this house when I know, at the start of every day, that I’m staring an extra 500-600 calories in wine intake per day.

Do the math. 500-600 calories per day / 100 calories per glass = NoGoodDaddy is an alcoholic

Finally, my feet got better and I could run. It took a while, but I eventually hit 170. I had lost 20lbs. As a bonus, none of my clothes fit. FUCK!

I sat there for a while, knowing the next 5 would be the hardest. Fortunately, it was now the summer of 2011 and we were eating lighter meals. It’s just too hot to eat anything heavy during an NC summer. I stayed right around 170 for a while and then I made the push to 165. I hit it in early September. I’d lost 25lbs. The clothes I bought at 170 were now hanging off of me. Double FUCK!

The Wii kept pestering me about 162.5. “You know, dickweed…your optimal weight is 162.5lbs”

Meanwhile, JewelrySlut was telling me that I looked fine. Of course, she was 10lbs below what the Wii told her she should weigh. She’s lost 20lbs in the same timeframe. As a couple, we’d lost 45lbs. But, 162.5 kept laughing at me. I was never gonna make it.

In April, JewelrySlut and I were able to go away for a week…just the 2 of us. Despite the many miles biking around Emerald Isle, we both managed to put on a few pounds. That daily 500-600 calories from wine probably was over 1000. Hey…the kids were in Raleigh. Leave us alone.

Since mid-April, I’d been staring 167 in the face every damn day. And, keeping it at 167 was not easy. I could feel myself wanting to start creeping back. And I had told myself that I would NOT lose all this weight just to gain it back. Plus…I had NOTHING that fit at this point and was not about to go buy size 34 pants again.

So, last week I was in Saint Louis. And, I was traveling with someone who really didn’t drink. When I got home on Friday, the Wii scolded me for having missed 3 days (It really can be an asshole when it wants to be one).

Then it scolded me for my weight.

I’d done it…I’d blown through its imaginary number and found myself at 161lbs. Now the damn thing wants me to gain weight. And, this week, try as I might, I’m still dropping pounds. I just weighed in at 160lbs and change. I’m a skinny little shit.

There really is no moral to this story. If you care to know, this is how we lost weight:

That’s it. We still cook all of our own food and eat well. We just eat a little less with every meal and finish dinner off with a salad. It takes up that remaining space in your stomach and does so with next to no calories. Since I can’t eat dairy products without getting sick, I don’t have to worry about being tempted by many desserts. That’s not to say that, on a Saturday night, we won’t blow through half of a chocolate cake. Cuz we do. But, by the following Wednesday, it’s gone. I can’t say that we’ve given up any food that we love. We just eat a little less of it. That 3rd helping of pasta is now a salad. The 2nd helping of potatoes; salad.

I also run between 17 – 20 miles per week. I now consider myself a runner…not just an asshole who runs. There’s a difference. Look at my feet, you’ll see it. I’ve not yet been told that I look like a runner, but JewelrySlut has. Despite hating what I’ve done to her, she was proud of herself. Just the other night, she announced “I have the split!” Her calves had “finally” split and you could see both heads of the gastroc muscle.

Do we stand around in our underwear and pose for each other?

We might

Did we earn it?

We did.

You can lose 20lbs too. You don’t need a pill or some magic diet. All you need to do is burn more than you take in. Run, bike, dance, masturbate vigorously. Do something. And, at dinner, finish it off with a salad.

So, get out there and get sexy!

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