Writing his memoirs, losing his hearing, but he don’t care what most people say

**Note**

Ok…so I’m a putz. I put in all the answers and failed to mention who sent the questions.

Sorry, Other Chad

1) Even though you call yourself the NoGoodDaddy and your wife JewelrySlut, you and she obviously love your kids. Therefore, as a reasonably good parent, what type of bad parenting on the part of other people really makes you want to kill some midgets, or at least bang your head against a wall?

Well, thanks for the compliment…I think. I see so much bad parenting that I can barely contain myself and can’t pick a favorite. It could be that parents don’t always seem to understand that life changes with kids. You can’t expect a kid to behave in public…especially at night. Who takes their kid to a restaurant at 10:00? An asshole, that’s who.

But, no…this is the one I’ll gripe about because I saw a lot of it the other day:

Maxim for child rearing:
People have been having kids for millions of years. There’s nothing new to it.

Why do I say that? I say that because I had to listen to a woman for 6 hours on Sunday talk about how Little Perry doesn’t sleep through the night and doesn’t do this or that or needs to go to the Dr for this or that and has this or that ailment.

Wanna know why LP doesn’t sleep through the night? It’s because you keep fucking waking him up every hour to feed him. I don’t know…maybe if you let the kid sleep and get on a schedule, he may not be as much of a little shit (LP is 7 months old by the way so it’s not like he knows he’s a shit, but you all get what I’m saying). Kids need to sleep. I know that SIDS is a serious thing, but your kid’s probably not going to die unless you wake him up every hour. It’s going to piss him off more than anything.

And, your kid does not have Hypothyroidism. He’s got big eyes. Why does a kid with big eyes need to have some bizzaro hormone imbalance? People are fucking nuts.

This woman has her kid on 2 kinds of antibiotics right now. Why? Probably because her doctor’s sick of having her come in every 3 days to complain about an ailment. Then she bitches that the kid has the shits. No shit he has the shits. You’re a fucking dietician, lady; you know what antibiotics do to your kid’s intestines. I suggested that he have some yogurt…get some bacteria back in his system. She said she might try some baby yogurt. I nearly spit my drink out as I blurted “Baby Yogurt! Are you out of your mind?” Probably should have kept that one to myself.

The kid wasn’t allowed to play with one of those big-page kid books. He might get poisoned from the paper. Hello? Did I miss a newscast outlining the deadly impact of paper poisoning on kids in Johnson County, NC? No, I didn’t. Know why I didn’t? Because there isn’t one! Jesus.

All the while, Shmuppie’s eating bugs, playing in the dirt, and acting like a kid. This woman keeps looking at her with amazement. She can’t A: imagine a kid behaving so well at an adult party and B: fathom that we’re letting her roam free.
So, in answering the initial question, what annoys me is when parents don’t think about how their actions impact their kids. They’re people after all. Would you want me waking you up all the time to shove a thermometer up your ass?

2) Michael Jackson has been judged not guilty by a jury of his peers. What’s your take on the whole thing? Assuming you care. If you don’t care at all, tell us what the hell is wrong with those of us who, sadly, do.

I missed most of the trial. It was during a lot of the move and I also couldn’t care less. He did it, he will do it again and he was NEVER getting convicted. While I can never say that the kids got what they had coming, I wish there could have been a way to have the parents get molested. I mean, who sends their kids to a grown man’s house…didn’t they see what happened to Dudley and whatshisname at the bike shop?

Ok…so we have a known freakshow. He thinks he’s a child. He doesn’t even look human. He used to be black and could sing the shit out of a song and now is some sort of albino freak who can’t carry a tune. He’s built himself an amusement park. He’s a suspected kid toucher. What do you do? Send your kids to his house for the night. That’s what you do…

I hope the parents of these kids all burn very slowly when they get to hell. What they did was the worst form of evil. They let their kids get molested. To what end? To try to make some money? That’s just not good at all. I don’t care what your bills look like. You NEVER pimp out your kids. Not cool.

And if you followed the trial…well, it’s not like there’s too much else on TV.

3) What actor out there is really popular, but whose success you just cannot understand?

Since saying “all of them” would be too easy…let me ponder this one a while.
(scratches nuts)
(picks nose)
(ponders whether or not I need to pee and why lately it burns when I do so)

Since I started pondering, I’ve answered 4 and 5 and done a bunch of work…

I can’t name one. I don’t get why we care about celebrities in general or why they think we care about whet they care about. Just do me a favor, shut the fuck and do your acting thing or your singing thing. I couldn’t care less about the rest. That’s probably why I don’t have a good answer. I don’t pay attention at all to who’s doing what. I don’t know who Katie Holmes is or why I should care. I had no idea that Tom Cruise had gone insane until I read it in everyone’s journals.

But Carrottop? Come on folks.

4) Between Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh, which fat guy would win in a battle of “who’s the biggest hypocrite?” Or arm wrestling.

Well, Michael Moore, I think, is the bigger asshole. And, as JewelrySlut just added, he’s Canadian. Don’t get me started on Canadians. I mean, Canada’s not even a real country. I’d love to say he’s a hypocrite, but I don’t know enough about the guy to know whether or not he’s done anything hypocritical. I guess he’s entitled to his opinion and you didn’t need to go see his movie if you didn’t want to (I didn’t go see it for just that reason). All in all, he’s an asshole, in my opinion.

As for Rush, I think he wins the hypocrite award. In fact, any “conservative”, “family values” person always wins. And this is coming from a person with a conservative Republican view of things. Why are they always the hypocrite? Because everyone likes to drink and screw. It’s what people do. To say that doing those 2 things is bad is silly. I mean, if some conservative nut’s parents didn’t drink and screw, how would he have been conceived? Everyone knows that all babies are conceived while their mother is bent over the sink in a friend’s parents’ basement bathroom after drinking too much rum punch, don’t they?

Hello?

Hello?

Are those crickets?

Back to Rush. He tells us what is right and what is wrong and to be wrong is to be bad. Right? And, all the while, he’s hooked on painkillers. Sorry, Rush, but the pot should have checked the kettle’s color.

As for arm wrestling, Mike Moore in a heartbeat. Can’t you see him pulling that hat around just like Sly Stallone in Over the Top?

5) How much should one tip for good service in a decent restaurant?

Easy. 20%. It all starts at 20%. I give any waitperson 20% to start. It’s up to them to nudge that towards 25 or down to nothing. Unfortunately, it often plunges towards nothing.

2 recent examples:

The night before we left NJ, we made our way to TGIpplebee’s or whatever the local chain restaurant was. It was almost 8:00 and we hadn’t eaten all day. All we wanted was a beer or 2 and a burger. Nothing more. They seat us in the back of the dining room and we wait…and wait…for 20 minutes. Finally, I walked to the bar and asked for 2 beers. The bardude wouldn’t give me them. I was instructed to wait for a server. I mentioned that we were in the back and I was pretty sure that nobody knew we were there. Now, there was a table right next to us with people at it. They had a waiter. Us, not so much. Finally, 2 servers started bickering at a table right near us over who was covering our table. Finally, some slackjawed kid came over and muttered something about how they work in teams and his partner wouldn’t take our table. We ordered our beer and burgers. He came with the beer and muttered that they were “on the bar”. At that point, I announced to JewelrySlut that if they indeed were, it would be made up for in the tip. Well, another round later, we finished. The bill had all 4 beers on it. Sorry, dude, that equals a $2 tip for you. Why? Well, you bickered with a coworker in front of a table. That’s bad. Take it to the fucking kitchen. 2: you said the beers were “on the bar” which I, apparently foolishly, interpreted to mean “free” and then charged for them. Not cool.

This past Saturday the 3 of us went to a local place called Bahamas Breeze. There, they try to serve Caribbean food. Since that’s what we like, we figured we’d go see how bad it was. They broke some major rules. The dumb waitress brought our drinks OK and our appetizer. Then, it went to shit. No sooner than the wings arrived, the entrees arrived. I just stared at the runner and asked her where she thought the food was supposed to go. To her credit, she did not say “Bend over asshole and I’ll show you”. So, there we are with a mountain of food on the table. A few minutes later, appetizers still there, the waitress comes by to see how we like our entrees. I told her we wouldn’t know, all the food came at once and we’re sure the entrees will be cold by the time we get to them. She looked puzzled, muttered something about how that shouldn’t happen and wandered off. Later, she came by and I asked for 2 beers. 5 minutes later, she came back with 2 mixed drinks. I told her we’d wanted beer. At this point, there was no sense in arguing, so we took the drinks and shooed her away. So, to date, she sent us all of our food at once and botched a drink order. There was time to salvage things, but that would come with the bill. Well, the bill came and we were charged full fare for everything. I know we could have sent the drinks back, but, really, it was not worth the hassle. What should have happened is that we should have been charged the beer rate or nothing for them. Nope…full fare. I handed over the Amex. She did come back and mentioned that “management” has adjusted one of the drinks to the beer rate. Thanks, sweetie. There’s 9% for you.

So, don’t fuck up and you deserve 20%. Fuck up and you get less. Ask them boys at the local Mexican place that we love. They get 25% or more every time. The drinks are cold and the food is hot and right.

Well, there you have it, 5 answers to 5 questions. Anyone else want to play?

19 thoughts on “Writing his memoirs, losing his hearing, but he don’t care what most people say

  1. Most NC BBQ is really quite good; I don't know the criteria but I've found the mom and pop places tend to be better. The restaurant chains tend to be too greasy.

    Petey, you're not supposed to tell her what you did! I mean, it's not like she's going to remember or anything. Or so I hear…

  2. Quote: "….Would you want me waking you up all the time to shove a thermometer up your ass?

    Was this a rehetorical question? Would it be you with the thermomiter Or just anybody? How big is your thermometer?

  3. I used to waitress, so I don't have a lot of patience for lousy service. It isn't a complicated process – you write down what they want, you bring their drinks, you put in the food order, and you go bitch out the kitchen manager if something fucked up happens like appetizers and entrees hitting the table at the same time so he can knock it off the bill.

    More than once I've written "food should be served hot", or "bring the right food" on the tip line when a waiter hasn't gotten it right.

  4. You know me, always willing to put out embarrasing information for the sake of a laugh… What can you do?

    Shame you moved… Maybe Lil' Pimp and the Shmup-ster could have had a future together. He's been fielding many offers recently and working his pimp hand strong.

  5. NGD: do you EVER listen to me? or, um, read the comment I already left for you a post or so back when I found my sweet-linky-goodness and called you a hot stud?

  6. I'll play!

    God knows I need a topic or two :D

    Very well thought out answers to some really rocking questions. I do have to agree that I can picture Michael Moore slipping that hat around, putting on his game face, and screaming "Let's go over the top, right now!

  7. Is it just me though, or do you ever feel a bit sort-of embarrassed about leaving a crappy tip even though the service was crappy?

  8. I do have to say that I sometimes feel sort of embarassed, but there was this one time that I actually left one penny as the tip, much to the horror of NGD and the couple that was with us. C'mon, that's even worse than no tip at all and the waiter truly sucked, so he got what he deserved. Also, the alcohol I had inbibed probably gave me a little "courage" to do that.

  9. The notion that servers should automatically get a tip is rediculous and when they ask me if I want to add it when I pay before I eat (at Ryan's) I always say no. The other day my pizza was 20 minutes late and lukewarm. Guess what? No tip, and I'm usually a generous tipper as I love my pizza fresh, hot and on time. If it's going to take an hour fucking TELL me, don't make me call you twice looking for my pizza.

    So have you guys tried the NC BBQ yet? Hushpuppies? If there's a Mayflower seafood place near you, you MUST eat there. If not no worries; there's one in my town. ;)

  10. Haven't had BBQ yet. I'm alomst afraid to do so because I don't want to go to smoe shithole. I need to find the right place before we go. Mayflower??? It's next to a wicked looking mini golf place.

    I agree about knowing how long food should take. Tell me it's an hour, don't lie to me. That applies to everything. I always want to know the whole story. Ask The Ninny what happens when you withold info from me

  11. I was once chased after when I didn't leave any tip. My "server" was instructed, before we even made it to the table to bring me a beer and a second beer within 10 minutes, as I was hot and sweaty and it was the end of the day. The first one showed up soon enough no complaints. The second one however NEVER MADE IT! The fucking manager had to hunt this waste of oxygen down and have him come check on us, AFTER I got up and walked to the bar and fetched my own round of drinks. Have I mentioned yet that this was at a hotel I was staying at?…UM No,? well it was. So we finish eating what passed for food at that time and paid the tab and wlaked to the lobby to catch the elevator. The server comes running up to me and asks "excuse me sir have you forgotten something?" Spanky and I quicky check for keys, cell phones, and wallets to make sure we didn't leave any important shit and when I say "Nope got it all" the asshat replies " My tip?" I laughed at him and siad "Hey if the service would have been better the tip would have been bigger!" and the doors closed.

    Oh and by the way we were the ONLY table in the restuarant. What a good time huh?

  12. I seem to recall one time actually writing a note on the back of my bill that said something along the lines of: "Better service would have meant a better tip!" I'm sweet like that.

  13. I have to confess that we give our baby-girl baby yogurt. I wish that adult yogurt tasted that good. (Man, does that sound gay or what?) It's much higher in fat content and therefore, tasty-goodness.

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