Veja Veja Veja Du

Enough with the boring travel report. Needless to say, we’re here and we finally closed in NJ. I guess we’re north Carolinians or something. It’s funny though. I keep waiting to “go home” and go back to life. Working from home is cool. Having the rest of the family home all day is cooler. This is like some odd vacation that doesn’t seem to be ending. We like it. A lot.

Things we’ve observed so far:

The people are nice. It’s kinda creepy though. When the truck came to move us in, we pretty much blocked up the whole parking lot here. As people needed to come and go, they were very polite about it. For example:

In NC: “Hey y’all. Y’all movin’ in? Oh…that’s great. Do y’all mind if I move my car so you can have more room?”

In NJ: “Hey asshole. Get your fucking truck the fuck out of my fucking way before I come over and fucking kick your fucking ass”

See the difference? It’s subtle, but it’s there.

They folks here are really friendly also. Most times when we go out, Shmuppie accessorizes. Some times it’s just sunglasses, other times it’s a winter hat and mittens. Whatever it is, you can rest assured that a dozen people will stop to talk to her about how cute she is. For example:

In NC: “Oh…ain’t you juuuuuuust the cuuutest little thing”

In NJ: (nothing is said, but you get a look that says “What a fucking bunch fucks. Who the fuck dresses their fucking kid like that.”)

Again…subtle differences make all the difference.

There’s so much shit to do. Back in NJ, we had to drive 30 minutes to get to anything not named Wal-Mart. Here, we can drive all of 5 minutes and be at any store you can think of, eat any kind of food you’d ever want or be on the area’s 2 major interstates.

Did I mention that it’s so quiet here that it’s almost spooky? Not a peep from anyone.

(Please don’t take this the wrong way)
There are black people here. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that we’re not used to it. Warren County, NJ is like 99.9% lily white. I had a neighbor once say to me (in a whisper of course) “You know, we have a few of them around here. But they have jobs so they’re the good kind.” Riiight. So, it’s almost odd to see different races all commingling and all.

We have awesome cable TV down here. We have Digital cable. WOW. That shit rocks. It wasn’t available in NJ where we lived. We have this TiVo-like thing that allows us to tape shit and stuff. NC ROCKS!

We have a neighbor who we’ve dubbed Harry Potter. There’s this one super rednecky unit on the end of one of the buildings. I can’t tell how many people live there but it may be like 7 or so. Well, this teenager is always coming and going from the place with a rolling suitcase. JewelrySlut decided he lives under the stairs and needs to be known as Harry Potter.

Then, we have Anne. Anne is s lovely Southern lady who lives in our complex. She’s known as the hen. She was the first to come by and introduce herself. She played traffic cop on moving day. She baked us a cake.

I’m telling you, folks. Get your asses down here. It’s unfuckingreal.

Oh…lastly…they sell the following in supermarkets:

Holy Shit. I may have died and gone to heaven. See, in NJ, the first 2 are bought at a liquor store and the 3rd just isn’t bought. But down here, they sell them all in the same aisle. Nothing says Welcome to the South like a 30 pack of Natty Light and some shit that blows up.

Other shit

So, it’s 4th of July time…that means one thing. My parents are getting divorced again.

YAY for me and SecretAgentBrother. We get to deal with all this shit again. Because it wasn’t nearly enough fun last summer. To recap, last June, they announced hat they were splitting up. They said their relationship with me was a big part of it. 3 weeks later, they were “back together”. The year since has been a textbook lesson on how Not to be married. They’re a mess.

So, I’m sitting down here in the dungeon on Friday and the phone rings. It’s my mother. I didn’t even say hello. I asked “Why the hell aren’t you on a plane?” Because my parents are dopey, last summer…mere days before Divorce Part I, they bought a $40000 Hawaiian timeshare. They never use it.

So, they were going to spend 4th of July in Phoenix and use some timeshare points. Phoenix in July? Sure…whatever, you bozos. Maybe next summer, you can go to the Sun. It may be hotter there. They were supposed to fly out Friday at noon. It was 2:00 when the phone rang. I got some story from my mother about how things haven’t been good lately (no shit) and how she has so much work to do and she decided not to go.

Giving my father a TON of credit, he got on the plane and is in Phoenix. I think he’s finally had it. He, like the rest of us, got upset last summer. I think he now realizes it’s a lost cause and has decided to go have some fun for a few days. He can come back to NJ and face the fire then. I told my mother that I can’t be bothered by their marriage anymore. They hurt me last summer and I no longer have the capacity to be bothered by them. I said that the last year has been a mess but I no longer live an hour away and can’t be bothered. As long as they find a way to be happy, I’ll be happy.

My mother’s nuts. Keep in mind that these are the people who wrote us that infamous $110000 check 2 weeks ago. She says they have no money. She needs to work 20 hours a day to make ends meet. She does custom sewing of draped and shit for rich people. All I know is that she’s always working and it makes my father insane. He’s making OK money, but they have no bills other than their property insurance. Despite this, all she does is gripe about money. I think he’s finally had it. He hates they house they live in and never wanted to buy it. He’d be thrilled to take half the money from its sale and just leave. He’ll buy a condo in FLA or Hawaii and go be a sportswriter for a local paper. That’s what he’s always wanted to do. Before last Friday, the man had NEVER done anything for himself. It was always for her. Now, he’s in Phoenix. He called yesterday from the BOB (Bank One Ballpark). He bought a $120 ticket and was 3 rows behind home plate. He sounded like a kid on Christmas. He’s going back tonight.

As for my mother, she thinks I’m going to be her friend in all of this. Riiight. I plan to be very upfront with her and tell her that unless she wants to hear what I think, she shouldn’t bother calling. I ain’t blowing no smoke up her ass. Last summer, I told her what I thought and she didn’t speak to me for months because she was pouting. Whatever. I’m in Raleigh and can’t be bothered.

I’m not the problem with their marriage. They’re the problem with their marriage. If she says she hasn’t been happy n 35 years, that’s not my problem. It’s hers.

Until then, I’ll keep working in my basement. We need to get an electrician in here because I think a pack of blind chimps wired this place. The other day, I hooked up another ceiling fan and after 5 minutes it burst into flames. That was not cool. I screamed like a little girl. Then, we’re getting a contractor to come look at this basement. It’s got potential and may be worth flinging a few bucks at. Until that time, I’ll enjoy my new commute.

7 thoughts on “Veja Veja Veja Du

  1. Forbidden Meat? bwahahaha! you sneaky hot stud, you!!! Um, that's "forbidden" like in "desirable" as opposed to "rancid", right???

  2. Hey No Good-
    This is coming from the man who lived where you love–The Virgin Islands, and now live in Phoenix. Last month, I had seats close to where your Dad was sitting @ BOB, in the Clubhouse section, they were sweet! First time I sat in a ballpark that had waitresses bringing me sweet, delicious BEER. The 4th of July was only about 106 degrees, not too bad considering next week is expected to go to 114-116…..
    Sounds like a sweet life for you in your new digs, NC sounds pretty nice. Good Luck!

  3. Very NIce! Looks like you've found a very happy place to live. Good luck with fixing up the basement, flames dont sound fun(though its funny to imagine you screaming like a girl). :)

  4. Dude, if I was your neighbor I'd make you a chicken pot pie and maybe some toll house cookies. Hubby's an electrician but he's lazy. Sorry.

    We Southern folk are all about hospitality.

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