I can’t see the future, but I know it’s coming fast

I don’t have the strength for a real entry today. Divine the intent of my last one. I have a lot of shit to do in the next 6 weeks.

Here’s a little ditty I made up about a year ago. Wombat’s going to know who this about and should shit himself laughing at it. This is about a coworker here who’s a little past his prime.

Order: Primate
Family: Amatotae
Genus: Baldus
Species: Nonerectus

I. DESCRIPTION:
Length (without tail) 74 inches. Males weigh up to 240 lbs and are twice the weight of females. Males have massive features (noses in particular) and a poorly-developed graying shaggy cape or mane. Face is pasty with wrinkles radiating outward from the minute brain case. Females exhibit pronounced monthly genital swelling.

II. GEOGRAPHICAL RANGE AND HABITAT:
Inhabits suburban regions of Northern New Jersey. They are rarely found above sea level due to an inexplicable fear of heights. They spend the night in houses, sometimes foraging miles during the day sucking up to anyone who may be able to keep them in steady employment but returning to the houses to sleep.

III. DIET:
Food consists of practically anything edible, but is chiefly made up of Non-SSN Conversion Letters supplemented with Diet Coke. In parts of Arabia, they are becoming increasingly dependent on canned dog food.

IV. LIFE CYCLE/SOCIAL STRUCTURE:
Baldus Nonerectus is socially and structurally distinct from other species of mammals. They show an amazing lack of social skills towards members of the human species. They have shown an amazing affinity towards dogs and bitches. For years, it was believed that Nonerectus raised dogs in an attempt to prove self-worth and provide much needed self esteem. Subsequent studies have proven that the dogs enjoy taking advantage and spending the meager finances of Nonerectus.
Nonerectus mates for life, and thankfully it only seems to do so once. There is no set rutting season, rather the mate of Nonerectus endures one mating session. The mate’s goal is to create a female rather than pass on many of Nonerectus’ traits. The mating session is often so brief that it leaves the female longing for something…anything more satisfying than the sweaty grunting and complaining about “not being able to get it up” that can often be heard.
Baldus Nonerectus is preyed upon by younger, stronger and more mentally adept mammals, and infants are sometimes taken by eagles. Life span can vary but is often believed to be too long.

V. SPECIAL ADAPTATIONS:
Nonerectus’ inflexible social structure is made it ill-adapted to special conditions: the changes and advances in technology and workplace efficiencies. This inflexibility often leaves Nonerectus in an agitated and irrational state. When in this state, Nonerectus can be heard yelling nonsensical statements like “Not for nuthin’” or “Basically Speaking”

VI. INTERPRETIVE INFORMATION:
The Nonerectuss was the sacred baboon of the ancient Egyptians, often pictured on temples and monoliths as the attendant or representative of Rosen, the god of SOPS, irrationality and utter idiocy.

These animals are not very social but, strangely, are stressed by isolation. A direct stare or carefully worded witticism is seen as a threat. To threaten in return, they will raise their eyebrows, showing their white eyelid and partially open their mouth, raise their paw and vocalize something that sounds a lot like “Talk to the hand”.

Intensifying the threat ,they may yawn, raise their hair (well, they really can’t do this at all), slap hands on conference tables, grind their teeth and scream. Fear is shown by a visible stain on the front of their trousers. They have a number of calls; alarm is given by a dog-like bark.

11 thoughts on “I can’t see the future, but I know it’s coming fast

  1. BWAHAHAHA!!! I think we have a cousin species here; their habitat is an old rocker on the front porch of said house and can be indentified by the repeating of the same stories over and over and over again. What teeth they have left are either grey, yellow or black in color.

  2. Yeah, don't watch. Seriously, I don't give a shit one way or the other, however, I think Jeff Gordon is a cry baby fag and that Junior is the best thing since his daddy hit the wall.

    Oops, I mean, since sliced bread. But really, NASCAR? It's like Greek to me.

  3. There's a lot of stuff that goes into study of Apes that you don't see from the other side of the National Geographc page. A lot of time was spent lurking in the background, observing, taking notes, vomiting blood.

  4. Pingback: nogooddaddy.com » Vaya con Dios you bald-headed weasel

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