Well, it almost turned ugly for all of you last night. And, it has nothing to do with the admission of my love for a former HS classmate. JewelrySlut was quite interested in seeing who she was, and had picked someone else. Strangely, she picked the girl who my pal, Mike, was in love with. Funny…
I nearly resigned from the Board last night and am still considering doing so. You folks, in addition to the board members get to convince me otherwise. While I understand that they are interested in me staying for reasons like “NoGoodDaddy helps the community and improves things”, you bastards are interested more from a “This shit is funny” standpoint.
BatShitCrazyPearl (her official name…it’s been put in Word as an autocorrect and everything) called me yesterday. 90 minutes later, I got off the phone.
Now, to all of you who just said “Dipshit…hang the hell up!” please put yourself in my place. Would you hang up on a client at work? A coworker? Because that’s how I treat my enormous “responsibility”. I spent a lot of that time with the phone against my chest because the shrill tone of her voice was too much to handle.
Here were her problems:
She read the bylaws of the community and saw that we were supposed to have held last week’s annual meeting on a Wednesday. We held it on a Tuesday. Now, she got this in her head because the former President was upset because he’s a faggot and wasn’t re-elected last year and that we were “breaking the rules”. He had threatened to come to the meeting and declare it illegal if we didn’t move it to Wednesday. We held it on Tuesday. Nobody cared. Well, BatShitCrazyPearl now thinks that all monthly meetings need to be on Wednesday. I asked her point blank how any of this could possibly affect her life and inconvenience her. She gave her boilerplate answer of “I want the rules to be followed”.
She also wants to attend the monthly meetings (held on Wednesdays of course). I told her she could petition to get on the agenda during Homeowner’s time, but could not attend the rest of the meeting. It’s a closed meeting unless you are invited. She didn’t like that at all. I’ve not heard the last of that.
Then, of course, we discussed the rampant wild animal problems we have here. That took an hour. Apparently, there are wild animals in the community and she plans to do something about it. And something is take pictures on her cell phone. She’s also gathering a posse of disgruntled people. Apparently, all of court 2 is afraid to go outside because of all the wild animals. They are also afraid of our property manager. As a result, they apparently are taking their grievances to BatShitCrazyPearl for resolution. I told her that if someone has a problem, they need to contact the manager. Because until they do so, it’s not a problem that I need to worry about.
This went on for a while longer. She ranted about everything; the bills for the property manager, the color of people’s shoes, the fact that I, or a board member, should be cutting the grass here and not a landscaper. She accused me and all white people of being racist. She dropped more than a few N-Bombs.
She told me she wants to assault someone and doesn’t care about the consequences because “I don’t work for no man. I work for me”. 3 minutes later, she told me that an assault charge would bring shame on her family. She reminded me that her uncle is a Senator and a former Supreme Court Justice (not true by the way) and that another uncle is a Federal Govt. employee and has connections.
I can see it now (dream sequence noise)
Riiiing (checks caller ID…Washington DC? That’s odd. Who from RedCompany is from DC?)
Me: Good afternoon, this is NoGoodDaddy
Voice: NoGoodDaddy, this is Dubbya. We got a problem (in my head, Dubbya sounds like Dana Carvey doing Ross Perot…it’s my fantasy so go along with me)
Me: Mr. President?
Dubbya: Yea. I’ve been talking to BatShitCrazyPearl (goofy Dubbya laugh here (when he says “heh”)) and we have a problem. She says you’re a racist and that you have a squadron of attack cats.
Me: Umm…don’t you have a country to run? And maybe a war to do something about?
Dubbya: Not important. What’s important (Use the Ross Perot voice, people, or I’ll get pissed!) is that you tell me how to get a squadron of attack cats. That lady’s out by the fence again and I need to stop her.
Me: OK, Mr. President. I appreciate the call, but my floor is on fire right now.
That’s how it would go. And, if nobody was half as amused by that as I was, too damn bad. It’s my blog!
So, I sent the board an email telling them that they needed to convince me not to quit. Because, this has gone too far. We spend too much time on her problems, and can’t focus on what’s important; like improving the appearance of the property and helping boost property values.
So, over the next 3 hours, CrazyAnne, RedNeckPam and DeborahTheWise all showed up to talk me off the ledge. This is sad…I’ve decided to send BatShitCrazyPearl a letter via certified mail requesting that she not call me or come to my house. It’s basically Step One on the road to harassment charges.
While we’re all sitting in our dining room, DeborahTheWise’s cell rang. It seems BatShitCrazyPearl had gathered a posse and was banging on someone’s door. There was a cat in the parking lot and they wanted these other people to do something about it. Never you mind that it was a stray and didn’t belong to the people who were being attacked.
So, like the Action News Team, we flew into action and headed to Court 3. I had to talk this nice lady off the ledge and beg her not to stoop to the level of the people outside her door. All the while, BatShitCrazyPearl is stalking the parking lot with a pad and pen, taking notes.
After freeing myself from 2nd hand smoke hell in Kathleen’s house, I tried to walk home. BrownJason (not because he’s brown, but because he works for UPS), a new board member, had been grabbed by CrazyAnne and brought into the fray, and was walking with me. He was flabbergasted. We got to Court 2, and out came BigKelly. She’s my VP. So, over the next hour, the 3 of us stood there in the parking lot and tried to figure out what to do next. The consensus is that we haven’t a clue.
So, that’s my story.
I get to go away for 8 days. I can’t wait to go to NJ. Yes, I said it. Remind me of that statement next week while I’m up there and bitching about not being home.
Packing for this trip has been a joy. I need a lot of clothes! I finally have it all figured out and have a suitcase of un-ironed clothes to bring up with me.
One last thing before I go…over o the right side, I have a new link. St John Spice has finally gotten front page billing. I have to thank Jeff from Blue Tang and OSJ for letting me “borrow” his image. Not that any of you care about St John, but I do and he runs a cool site. But, if you like hot sauce, fun coffee, seasonings and general awesome things that will make your head explode from goodness; go see Ruth at St John Spice.
I need to poop.
Oh! I”m adding a page there on the left side with a board and community roster, along with the names I’ve given them and descriptions. Enjoy