He hates to admit it, but Xmas is more work than fun

How did Christmas go?

It went.

When was the last time I poked my head in around here? I can’t even remember. I think I told the story about the migrant workers trying to take a nail gin and circular saw on a plane. Did I? (Too lazy to go check, but somehow energetic enough to keep writing about it)

I’ve been home for a little while now. So, that’s good. I was home all last week and work was insane. I have to get used to being at home for work again. But, I’m doing OK. I think it would help if all my coworkers hadn’t been thrown out of our office and scattered to the HealthCareRelatedCompany wind. It’s somewhat hard to contact anyone. But, I muddled through and made it to 3:00 on Friday. We were told we could knock off for the weekend at that time.

So, having knocked off officially, we went food shopping. Quasi, Dingaling and El Guappo were coming over on Saturday and we needed to buy stuff for dinner. They had told us that they were too bust to come over on Sunday for Christmas Eve (fine with us), so we had to prepare a giant children’s meal for them. They have the eating habits of 2nd graders, so it can be hard to make anything worthy of my culinary mastery. JewelrySlut decided that a nice simple baked ziti, garlic bread and salad would be more than fine. That way, they would have nothing to pick through on their plates and I could remain somewhat stress-free.

Saturday came and Raleigh was bathed in lovely weather. I found this out at 8:15 when the phone rang.

They sold the house in NJ. They’re coming in early February.


Having thrown up, we went out. It was warm and sunny. We hit the Farmer’s Market (note to selves: Don’t go there the weekend before Christmas). It seemed to be Ghetto-Day. I have nothing against my neighbors in Christ of Color, but it was rough in there. A lot of pushing and yelling. Shmuppie, normally the Queen of the Farmer’s Market, was not happy.

We survived and went home to prepare dinner and relax. Shockingly, when the 3 of them arrived, things went well. The 2 adults behaved and spoke in complete sentences. Guappo and Shmuppie got along and played nicely. Guappo even ate vegetables. His parents were duly shocked. We exchanged gifts and sent them on their way.

Sunday was a relatively quiet day. Shmuppie and I had to run out to buy parsley and rent some movies. Otherwise, we just hung out. We played outside again (it was still warm) and had a good time. JewelrySlut and I managed to eat our weight in assorted seafood. We had mussels in a white wine sauce at 3:00 as an appetizer. Later, we had spinach pasta with shrimp, calamari and clams. We washed all this down with a bottle of champagne and 2 bottles of wine. Things were going well on Christmas Eve. We had plans to put Shmuppie to bed, get the gifts out, assemble them, drink some more champagne, screw and go to bed.


We put Shmuppie to bed and decided to watch a little TV in the basement before raiding the guest room closet for gifts. I poured 2 Poinsettias (champagne with cranberry juice), handed them to JewelrySlut, grabbed some cookies and a DVD and headed to the basement. Well, JewelrySlut hit stair #3 and went flying. Her feet went out from underneath her, drinks went flying and she landed hard on her back. Fortunately, the stairs are split with a landing, or she’d have tumbled down 12 stairs. Good times. She seemed OK, but had managed to spill nearly 1/2 a bottle of champagne! Not good times. So, I hustled upstairs, grabbed some towels and we started cleaning.

We gently led JewelrySlut down the rest of the stairs and put her on the couch. I started watching the movie and she promptly fell asleep. I’m not sure if this was from the drink or the extreme pain. But, it was 8:45 and she was snoring. So, I watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend (not a movie I recommend). After it was thankfully over, I went to get the gifts.

Here’s what Shmuppie asked for:
A Drum
Another Drum
A banging drum
A trumpet
A violin
A Flute
Paz Stuff (From the TV show Paz the Penguin)
Discovery Kids stuff
A game
A microphone.


We got her an electric drum pad kit, a microphone, a recorder (one of those flute-things we all played in the 3rd grade), some simple percussion things (a bongo, clackers etc), Chutes and Ladders, a computer mouse and some other assorted stuff.

I lugged it all downstairs and put it together. JewelrySlut woke up at some point (likely when I got out the torch to cut the toys away from their packaging) and was mildly upset that I had started without her. Of course, she was paralyzed and in no condition to do anything about it.

We laid out the loot, laid each other and went to bed.

Shmuppie blessed us by not waking up until 9:00 on Christmas. Woot!

I made coffee and headed downstairs ahead of them. I had the new video camera out and wanted to catch the moment.

Shmuppie comes into the basement, looks at the tree and asks “Where are my instruments? I wanted a flute, a banging drum, a trumpet and a violin. And, where’s my Dora game?”


She spent the whole day complaining about what she didn’t get. When my parents called, she announced that she was very disappointed in Christmas and that she didn’t want to talk on the phone. The kid sulked all day.

Now, I once sulked on a Christmas. It was 1991, my senior year of high school, and I got a laundry bag and a shirt that was 2 sizes too small for Christmas. That was the year I finally realized that my parents didn’t like me. But, that’s another episode.

So, we had a sulking kid. A spoiled rotten sulking kid. She got a dump truck worth of stuff but kept bitching about it. She also made mention at one point that Nana (JewelrySlut’s mother) had died because it was Christmas. That earned her some face time with the corner.

The holiday may have sucked for the kid, but it was good for us.

I got:
2 shirts from Eddie Bauer
My World Almanac
Scrubs Season 3, Arrested Development Season 3, the 2 Kevin Smith College Tour DVD’s and Pirates of the Caribbean #2.
I got a loud Hawaiian shirt and a Buffett-related book.
For the big stuff, I got the enormously huge National Geographic World Atlas and a 12V Dewalt cordless drill.

I did well.

JewelrySlut got one main gift: a laptop. She also got a cordless mouse and some new ear buds. I had picked up some unmentionables for her back in NJ a few weeks ago, but they’d been worn and crumpled weeks ago.

So, 2 of us were happy. I looked through the atlas and JewelrySlut puttered about on her computer. Shmuppie sulked. We watched Cars (a new DVD for Shmuppie) and made a lovely prime rib for dinner.

Shmuppie sulked.

JewelrySlut and I took in another movie and went to bed.

I’m allegedly working today (but trading it in for Friday).

My parents arrive on Thursday at about 11:00. They’ll be in for the weekend. We expect it to suck. My mother is doing nothing but complaining over her plight. She has to pack up the house and hates to pack. She also wants to take Shmuppie to Italy next summer without us and we get the feeling that she plans to bring all the “missing” instruments with her when she comes down. If she does, there will be trouble.

I hope to be back here soon.

5 thoughts on “He hates to admit it, but Xmas is more work than fun

  1. I missed the Gay card this year. I didn't know NGD was going to start the player hating so early before the K-State Slaughter of Rutgers. Then again, I heard he was always a little premature….

  2. I received no such holiday card conveying tidings of great gayness. Blow me you antisemetic homo bastard.

    Dewalt? That's the best. JS did you good.

  3. I, too, received the Christmas Card of Eternal Gayness and wondered if JS found a new and improved use for her cake pan. The only thing that would make you look any gayer (besides having an actual dick in your mouth) would be if you were doing jazz-hands. And oh holy shit, nip it in the bud! Put a stop to it or 12 years from now all you'll be hearing is "Where's my Beamer? I asked for a cherry read Beamer, with a surround sound cd car system and a big back seat. Why didn't I get what I WAAAAAAANTED?????" Oh, and JS's hair looks great.

  4. Hey, take the kid's presents away altogether. I bet she won't sulk anymore. BTW, I received your card, and you couldn't look any gayer. I loved it. Now go read your atlas, you big nerd. :)

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