And rent yourself a goat

I finally got home a little after 10:30 on Friday night. It was good times. I felt like shit warmed over and was none too happy.

But, Saturday was a better day. We went to the State Fair.

2 words.


I’d never been to anything like this before. So, we parked the car near the house and hopped a bus to ride over. This was a good idea considering the absolute snarl of traffic in the surrounding area. We finally got in, paid our admission and were just awestruck.

I mean, the thing is huge. It keeps going. And, so do the asses of most of the fair-goers. Rides, games, fried food, more fried food, mullets, huge asses, goats, you name it.

So, we wandered about for a while and headed to the animal exhibits. Now, at a fair like this, people bring the prized cow to be shown and judged or something. So, we’re walking in the big exhibit hall (where we’d been like 3 weeks ago for a home goods show?!?!) filled with cows and cow people. So, Shmuppie is having a ball looking at all the cows. We even talked to a cow girl and Shmuppie was allowed to pet the cow. All in all, good times, and not too strong of a cow shit smell. Then, a few things occurred to me:

Most of the cow chippies were smoking hot. I remarked to JewelrySlut that they must import these babes for the fair because it’s impossible that the farm girls of NC look that good. This was later confirmed at the goat building. Apparently, there’s more money in cowing because they could afford the cuties. The goat girls were fugly.

The people sleep with their animals. And, I may just mean it like that you pervs. But, as you walk along, the cows are all lined up in their little cow pens, and, right there, are cots, sleeping bags, microwaves, and odd looking people. I remarked to JewelrySlut that we had very little in common with these people. Sure, we breathed oxygen, but it stopped there.

You can polyurethane a cow. Yes, you can. Don’t doubt me because I saw it happen. Seems that the closely cropped look is in this season for cows. Before showing a cow, they give the animal a buzz cut except for along its spine. That hair is allowed to grow to like 1/2″ long. Picture a cow-Mohawk. Then, the cow handler man takes a blow dryer and a can of Minwax polyurethane. He brushes the Mohawk hair “backwards” so it stands up straight and then sprays it with the polyurethane. I’m still not sure what purpose this serves.

Like I said, we have little in common with these people.

Having seen enough of life on the farm to convince us to stay in the city, we wandered around some more. Shmuppie rode a few shoddily-constructed rides and JewelrySlut and I had a barbeque sandwich. The food place was nice; they offered you melted cheese on anything on the menu for only 50 cents more. Sweet deal if you ask me.

We got to the midway area and it was a sight to behold. I got a picture or 2 on the digital, but left it in NC this week. It was wall to wall humanity. Like nothing I’ve ever seen. It was like those shots of Mecca when all the Muslims go to the big black cube thing. Except, they don’t clutch turkey legs and weigh 450 lbs.

By the time we got done there, Shmuppie was getting tired and I was done. We needed to go home and do something sophisticated.

But, before we left, I paid $5 to make a joke to JewelrySlut. It was worth it. Does anyone watch My Name is Earl? If so, follow along.

We’re sitting on hay bales (what else?) and Shmuppie is eating some ice cream. A scraggly-looking dude plops 2 little index cards in my lap. They read:

So, like I’m deaf and stuff. God Bless everything. The pins are $3 each or 2 for $5″.

That’s not exactly it, but is pretty close.

JewelrySlut didn’t see the cards, all she saw was this odd-looking dude looking at me.

I hand over $5 because I feel a good joke coming.

He does some sort of “Thank you” thing in sign language and wanders off.

I hand her the 2 cards with the pins attached.

“I sure wouldn’t let him be my lawyer, but I’d buy his pins.”

8 thoughts on “And rent yourself a goat

  1. Royalties?

    Our car seats were in my husbands car. THe girls were at home sleeping in their beds. Thank Gob.

    Pay day is next week. I'll brush up on AB until then.

    BTW, I JUST now got the "Wet Spot" car wash pic you have linking to DLAND. I crack myself up.

  2. We had a bottle of Purell in JewelrySlut's purse that we used liberally. And, we went to the potty to wash hands. hell, I scrubbed down our sneakers when we got home.

    I had sex with a goat though. Is that why my cock hurts?

  3. You let her touch the cows?!?! Did you miss the whole petting zoo debacle last year? Oh, and anytime we go to the fair (which isn't that often – I've been 3 times in my 29 years) we always wonder where all these people come from. Seriously, I think they get every hick in the world to come to the state fair.

  4. Hee hee!
    BTW…Saturday's attendance at the fair was the highest single day attendance ever! Over 142,000 or something like that.

  5. You let your kid ride the rides? Are you insane? Don't you know that crack-headed goat humping carnies assemble those things? Did you get fried cheese on a stick? If you did just how fast did it go through you?

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