Can’t hire no Kinjan to wear dis hat

I wear hats. Not like Shmuppie; who likes to accessorize most outfits with a hat, but just a hat to cover my awful hair. Since I roll out of bed in the morning and troll straight down here, I put one on. I keep it on through the afternoon when I shower. This way, it’s on when I’m at the gym. This serves 2 purposes…hiding my bed head and mopping up sweat. A head with less hair absorbs a lot less sweat. If I don’t have a hat on while I work out, I drip a lot. Eew.

I like to keep 3 hats at a time in the rotation. I just switched to a new set of 3. I figured you may want to know about the 6 that were just in motion.

Going away:
Low Key Water sports. I picked this one up 2 years ago in St John and it’s probably my favorite hat. Navy blue, sandwich brim, embroidered with the name and location on the front and side. It’s a good hat, but it’s been taking a beating lately and needs a rest.

My Air Margaritaville hat. This is also a good one, but not good for working out. It’s more of a low profile hat (yea folks, I know the difference…having worked for a place that sold promotional apparel). Tan hat, blue brim…washed out look. It’s got nice, colorful embroidery.

White UConn hat. Got this one a while ago. I normally shun white hats because they get really dirty, but I like this one and it’s good to wear down here…though not lately.

Coming out:

Blue UConn hat. This one’s filthy, but not as bad as the UConn hat that I got in 1989 that I believe has legs. I wore it for a summer of lawn mowing. This one’s a simple navy blue hat and has some paint stains on it.

Onion Jack hat. I don’t remember when I got this one…the 1997 or 2001 trip. Either way, it’s the opposite color scheme of Air Margaritaville. Pretty faded out and icky, but I like it.

NCL Crew Hat. Picked this one up in 2000. Navy blue, red under the bill, lots of raised embroidery, American Flag on the front. This is a sweet hat. It’s been worn a lot so it comes out only on occasion. After the Low Key hat, it’s my 2nd favorite hat.

I saw a nice hat in Myrtle Beach last week. I should have bought it. Of course, because I’m a dork, I didn’t. C’est la vie.

OK…so I’m back from the Y now. Here’s something not to do when at the Y:

I drove into the parking lot. When you do so, you pass the fenced-in kiddie play area. Shmuppie was in there playing with the kiddies (JewelrySlut was sweating to the 80′s in the gym). Shmuppie happened to be near one of the fences today so I slowed down and rolled down the passenger side window of the car. I kinda leaned across the seat and said Hi to her. At just that moment, the entire staff of the Y stopped to look at me. Here I was…man who should be at work, wearing a hat, sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt leaning out of a car talking to little kids. I quickly rolled the window up and went and found a spot. All I need is to be branded a kid toucher by the locals.

I try to be nice while I’m driving around. It’s part of the Un-Jerseying of me that’s going on. So, when I’m driving along and there’s a red light ahead of me and people are trying to pull out into traffic, I slow down and try to wave them into the lane in front of me. I figure “I’ve got to stop anyway…why not let them in?” Well, I tried to do it today on the way home. I was tooling along and saw a line of cars trying to pull out of a strip mall into traffic. My light was red. So, I slowed down and waved the woman into my lane.

And waited.

And waited.

After maybe 5 seconds of waving at her, I started pulling forward. Naturally, she took this as an invitation to start pulling out.

So, I stopped and glared at her. Naturally, she stopped again. I waved her in yet again, this time with a little “Fuck you” in my wave.

She then proceeded to do a Raleigh special. The “Pull out halfway and stop”. This is a relative of the “Come to a dead stop before turning right”.

By now, the light is green and she’s half way out into the lane. She’s got a look of terror on her face (probably because of the look of rage on mine). At this point, I threw my hands in the air and just screamed at her. She s…l…o…w…l…y pulled out in front of me…and stopped again.


As quickly as I could, I pulled past her into the other lane. When I passed her, I noticed that she had a fake front license plate.

The Australian Flag

It Figures

12 thoughts on “Can’t hire no Kinjan to wear dis hat

  1. Yes, a trailer – one of the 14 trailers on our campus. You've not been paying much attention to the news and the current school space crisis, have you? *L*

  2. How fortuitious! I just sent you a Kind Of Hat. It is truly magnificent, and I think you should share it with everyone by taking a picture and posting it. It is so… well, perfect for you! xoxoxoxo

  3. Oooohh…. give the poor lady a break, if she WAS Australian, she's not only used to driving on the wrong side of the road, but she probably doesn't understand your traffic lights accent.

    Don't blame me, I don't even drive. Thanks for the linkage plug tho.

    When I wear hats I look like the homeless lady collecting cans in a shopping trolley. My kids wear hats and they look like movie stars. Hate em.

  4. Yeah, I know all about wearing hats. There's the housekeeper hat, the wage earner hat, and the infamous single sexpot hat.

  5. A few years ago I was waiting to see a movie at Crossroads 20 when I happened to see one of my 5th graders. Now I should probably insert her that it was a kid with whom I had a running joke where we'd sneak up on each other in the hallway. I was about 10 feet behind him and his back was to me. Without even thinking I started to sneak up behind him… until his dad reached out and clenched a hand around my wrist! I realized what it looked like I was trying to do in the same moment that the kid turned around, yelled, "Hey, Ms B!" and hugged me. I still run into kids everywhere, but now I make sure they identify me to their parents before I approach them.

  6. I also have three hats I wear in rotation. But mine are just a little different.

    Welders helmet- I wear this one when I'm at work at my desk mostly because I like to pretend I'm a welder and not a salesman. It also throws off the HR director. Keeps them on thier toes.

    Viking Helmet- I just wear this in protest of Cowboy hats. It seems that even though it is a sort of dying profession, people still wear them socially, even when the only bull they ever rode was in a country bar and it was mechanical. I like to think I'm bringing the Viking lifestyle back into fashion.

    Handmade Paper hat- I wear this one when I think it is going to rain because it also doubles as a little boat I can sail in the gutter and pretend I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, and the British are chasing me.

    Other than that Hats are for kids and you shouldn't wear them or you'll go bald.

  7. It's not all shit and hats…well today is hats, but yesterday was family, travel, puke AND shit. I've been in a rut lately. You're making me feel bad now. I may cry. I promise more writing next week while I'm away. I'll have nothing to do other than jerk off, so I'll write.

    F1 hats? As in racing? Wha?

  8. All these hats are baseball hats, aren't they?

    Kids shitting in the pool. Dads talking about "different baseball hats"…I'm thinking of a color that starts with the letter "R". I'm thinking of a part of the body below the head that stars with the letter "N".

    Do you remember when you used to write about wine, and food, and travel and famly? Now it's all shit and hats. Hats and shit.

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