I have a pig-shaped nerf football in my office

Another weekend come and gone. That’s good.

I can’t remember Friday at all. I worked and was aggravated I’m sure. I’m on a mission from God to bring order to the disorder that is work.

My brother and his girlfriend were in town for the weekend so we went up the road to the COP for dinner. It was OK I guess. No problems, no fights. It’s still odd that we’re related. We still have nothing in common.

Saturday was a bid day here at LunaticGardens (or whatever I’m calling this place lately). The pool was opening for the season and I had pipes to find. BrownJason was hot to trot to find missing cleanout pipes in front of a few houses. So, I got an old metal detector I had and we set out. I’m happy to say that it appears that my wedding ring is not made of metal. But, apparently, the air outside of our home is. That’s nice. Getting nowhere fast, we went to a friendly person’s house (Kathleen) and decided to literally poke around. We got some metal skewers and started poking in the ground in the area where we thought we’d find the pipe. All we did was aerate her yard.

Of course, and those keeping score will know this, Kathleen lives near BatShitCrazyPearl. So, as we were poking about, BatShitCrazyPearl opened her door and stuck her crazy head out to see what has happening. Pleased to see that Whitey was up to no good, she decided (I think) to try to anger us. She took what appeared to be a year’s worth of garbage and dump it out on her front steps. At one point, as it piled up, I asked DeborahTheWise is BatShitCrazyPearl was trying to irritate us. We agreed that we couldn’t have cared less if we tried. All I know is that I didn’t have to clean it up, nor did I care. I think she was testing our resolve. She (BatShitCrazyPearl) has been told not to throw her garbage out on her steps. I think this was her way of telling us she’ll throw her garbage wherever she wants.

OK Crazy lady.

Later in the afternoon, we held our little Black Panther Pool Party. One family came and announced that since they were not hungry, they would not be bringing food. Considering that these people won’t send their kid to school (preferring home schooling) because there’s not enough religion in NC public schools that made perfect sense to me. But CrazyAnne brought a bunch of food, we brought drinks, and a few people had a good time. The turnout was lackluster at best. But, what do I care. Shmuppie had a good time in the pool. The water was chilly, as expected, but not too bad.

We had to go back to the COP for dinner. More food and booze was consumed. Shmuppie and I played soccer for a while out in the yard and had quite a good time. I managed not to hurt myself, so I consider the evening a success.

On Sunday, the family came over for a swim. We hung out in the sun before the lovebirds headed home to DC. I also put in a new ceiling fan in the living room. It was frustrating, but I learned that the makers of ceiling fans have finally learned that people don’t have tails. They’ve made them a lot easier to hang. A little metal hook-thing is a part of the mounting base. It allows you to temporarily hang the fan as you wire it. Usually, you need another person to hang the fan while you wire it.

Of course, this changes my whole life. Usually when people would ask me if I’d rather have a monkey tail or monkey feet (and this happens ALL THE TIME), I’d say tail and cite ceiling fan installation as a primary reason. Things change.

On Monday, I took my lovely saw to more pieces of the deck. As of now, a good 1/3 of it is gone and all the scraps have been hauled off. I cut up more tree roots. I’d say we now have the space for the garden all set. There’s still a ways to go before we can think about planting anything. We need to address the crappiness of the fence and haul in a few tons of dirt.

We swam some more and all took naps. Weather-wise, it was a lovely weekend and we got some nice sun. Poor JewelrySlut has pattern sunburn at this point. She wore several different bathing suits this weekend and got burns all over the place.

I’m home this week and for part of next. I’m in NJ from Wed-Fri next week and possibly the following. We’re just so damn short staffed at work lately that it’s very hard to not be there. Of course, being there means I’m there, so being here is always better.

I need to go write up the reunion still. I’m lagging behind and know that all 4 of you can’t wait to see what happened.

16 thoughts on “I have a pig-shaped nerf football in my office

  1. Since BatShitCrazyPearl likes stuff on her doorstep why not deliver her a nice flaming bag of poo? I’m totally going to visit you this summer; as I drive past BSCP’s house I will be blasting some heavy metal, or maybe even some Tenacious D.

  2. Oh, and news flash to your bible-thumping neighbors: there is NO religion in NC public schools, unless you are Muslim or Jewish. Then there is plenty of religious studies in NC public schools. And showing up to a party empty-handed is the height of rudeness. Shitheads.

  3. Now, now. She did send one of her kids home to bring back a tupperware container full of doritos that she made sure she left with when they left the pool. She also did announce that while they were not hungry, if we needed anything, she certainly lives close enough to a store to go out and buy something.
    She’s swell.

  4. Dipwad…that was my point, because there isn’t enough religion in NC schools (and by that…read NONE), she home schools her brood.

    Were the people cooking out on Sunday by the pool and not sharing food, drinks or snacks with anyone else also rude? Poor Shmuppie just wanted a chip. But, King Whitey’s kid gets no chips.

  5. She served doritos in tupper ware? Who the fuck serves dorritos in tupper ware? Wouldn’t you just send the kid out with the whole bag, rather than subdividie your $1.99 chips into plastic containers?

    Where these used dororitos she had already opened and decided to donate them to the party?

    What, where these redneck home made dororitos?

    I keep trying to tell you folks your a tire short of a trailer park. …

  6. Wow, you’ve got some selfish people living around you. At least your neighbors get out and talk (even if it is only to bitch at you), my neighbors are either never home or never outside. Oops, wait…that would be me. I’m with BoogerFace on this one, she could have at least brought a full, unopened bag of Cheetos. And my point was that yes, there IS religion in public schools just as long as you’re not Christian. Wanna learn about the Jews? Jr did that in class last year. Wanna hear about Islamic holidays? Got that covered, too. But GOD FORBID you refer to Christmas Break as anything but Winter Break.

    How much you want to bet all of her kids never make it past being a cashier at the Evil Empire?

  7. Yes, these were clearly chips that she had in her pantry and brought out to “share”.

  8. I once knew a guy who owned a ferret. hat has as much to do with your post as your title. I’m not even sure what that means…is it like Stephen Wright and his “used paint in the shape of a house”? you need to email me. I have fun stuff tho share.

  9. Ummmm….

    You do realize that in the homosexual community the phrase “I have a pig-shaped nerf football in my office”


    “I’ve got my officemates giant penis stuffed in my anus”

    I mean, you knew that, right?

  10. Boofer = Spooge.


    I type like a special needs child on crack.

  11. I need to move to NC I guess! I mean really homo erotic pig shaped footballs, special needs kids on crack, “Boofer” faced people….I’m so jealous.

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