It’s been this kind of day

We were starting to wake up, but still asleep at about 7:30 this morning. Lately, I’ve been sleeping late when I’m home and rolling right to work, coffee in hand. Well, at about 7:30 this morning, I could sense heavy breathing in the room. Since it wasn’t JewelrySlut, it meant one thing: Shmuppie was in the room.

I popped my eyes open and looked at her…standing next to JewelrySlut’s side of the bed.

Me: What?
Shmuppie: I made pee pees real hard and my pants are wet and so is my bed so I need someone to change the sheet.
Me: (To JewelrySlut). What?
Shmuppie: I made pee pees real hard and my pants are wet and so is my bed so I need someone to change the sheet.
Me: (To JewelrySlut). Did I hear that?
JewelrySlut: (To Shmuppie). Go in the bathroom.
Me: What just happened?
JewelrySlut: I don’t know.
Me: She said ‘pee pees real hard’, didn’t she?
JewelrySlut: It seems
Me: Did she lay there in bed and just piss? What’s wrong with her? Is she a retard?
JewelrySlut: Maybe she has a deficiency.
Me: As in vitamin? I don’t think she has biri biri (A disease I’m quite certain I invented)
JewelrySlut: Laughing. No, she’s a retard.
Me this is going to be a long day, isn’t it?
JewelrySlut: Yup.

It has been a long day. Shmuppie, in general, has been on a tear lately. She’s been more annoying than usual. I can’t even describe it, but think of a parrot who just wandered your home all day spouting nonsense. It sounds like language, but it’s not English.

She asked JewelrySlut the other day “Can you can’t see me?”
It’s like that.

Just now, we had another one.
Lately, we’ve had some minor parking issues in our court; some new people moved in and they seem to own like 35 cars. So, we’re always playing “Parking Olympics” to make sure we get a visitor spot in front of the house.

I got home from the Y today and JewelrySlut was parked in the visitor spot in front of our house…but she had backed in. That’s not normal. My initial thought was that she’d initially had another spot, the one next to ours opened, and she just backed over.

Me: What’s with the car?
JewelrySlut: The kid told me to park that way? I told her you’d be asking what was up.
Me: ?? And you started taking orders form her when?
JewelrySlut: (Glares at me)
Me: I mean…you never do anything I say.
JewelrySlut: That’s because all you tell me to do is ‘put it in your mouth’.
Me: Good point

That’s a fun game I like to play. It’s called “Put it in your mouth”. We play it at night. And, when I say “we”, I mean “I”. JewelrySlut says something to me and I answer “put it in your mouth”.

Men: Try it at home. It’s fun.

It’s been a long day. And, there’s plenty of day left.

9 thoughts on “It’s been this kind of day

  1. The diesease is beriberi. I think it was the typical “funny disease” of late 60′s and early 70′s sitcoms. Gilligan or Scooby doo would mention it. I think The unlce on “The courtship of Eddies father”died from it.

    anyhow, yes your daughter is retarded. you live in a trialer park, and your wife would put in her mouth more often, but she tells us your dick tastes like someone else shit.

  2. Uh, considering who her dad is, you out to be happy she’s not sitting in the front yard in a pile of her own shit drooling.

    But I think she’s the most brilliant child ever – she still makes you clean up her own piss, she’s telling your wife how to park the car, and she says shit you don’t understand and she still has control of you. Genius.

  3. Can you just imagine the shit she’s going to put them through when she turns 16? God I hope you’re still blogging then.

    They have internet access at the wacky shack, right?

  4. You have apparently, and I have no idea how, birthed the same manner of retard as Wife and I. Yes, you have.

    The Northern Hemisphere Retarded Pie.

    My retard answers school-type questions as if each is separate and unrelated, though they are, in fact, the identical same question.

    “What’s the last sound in CAT?”
    “Nope, the LAST sound.”
    “Nooooooo, those are the first. What is the last thing you hear?”
    “Since that answer wasn’t right the first 3 times you tried it, it still isn’t right. Listen closely, kkkkkaaaaaaaaaaahhhhTTTTTTT. If ‘cuh’ was the FIRST thing you just heard, what was the last?”
    (eyebrows raise as if complete comprehension) “CUH!”

    That’s been my fuckin’ morning thus far. Good times.

    And YES, she is a retard. We have one too. Ours is cute and gives me sweet butterfly kisses. I reckon something like that is what keeps you from leaving yours with the little number pinned on her shirt in the daycare thingie at IKEA.

  5. OK. Pie is nearly 5. While brushing her teeth the other night, she screams “DAAA_DEEE!” We come running. She is standing on her little stool, pissing herself. We look at her in utter disbelief. “The toilet is RIGHT. THERE. Why didn’t you go?” “I didn’t want to.” “Didn’t you feel the pee in your body?” “Yes, but I thought I could make it go away.”

    This same child draws beautifully intricate pictures featuring the man in the moon blessing all the puppies with fairy dust. Sigh.
    When asked what she thought of the Transformers movie, she replied “Kinda boring. My favourite part was the little girl asking if they were the tooth fairy.”

    We want a refund.

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