If you love Jesus, please leave

I had some stuff to say. About Shmuppie going off to school, about how JewelrySlut and I are the worst parents ever, and about a real bad idea, but all of that needs to wait.

Because, sometimes life just writes itself.

BrownJason just called me. He wanted to know if Jeff (a neighbor) has been doing any work in our court. Jeff’s a new-ish neighbor and he’s a painter.

I think I’ve mentioned Jeff before, but let’s recap if I haven’t:

He moved here in May with his wife and 2 kids. He came up from down at the beach (can’t say “down the shore” anymore). He’s got his own painting business and seemed to be a very nice guy. We were going to start using him for Homeowner’s Association-related work.

His business card has his name and the tagline “Brother in Christ Jesus”.

That last part is VERY important.

We need to rewind a bit. Last fall when I met BrownJason, he introduced himself and, as a part of the intro, mentioned his church’s name.

This is also VERY important.

Can anyone guess where this is headed?

If you guessed “NoGoodDaddy bashes Christians”, you guessed correctly!

Here we go.

About a month ago, I learned through the coconut telegraph that Jeff had been arrested and was in the clink down in Morehead City, NC. Details were sketchy, but I heard it involved either drug dealing or drug possession or drug something or another.

As it turned out, Jeff’s car was stolen. When he reported it, they ran his record and saw some unpaid driving-related tickets and a bench warrant for failing to appear. He was arrested and taken to jail. Apparently, his wife could or would not meet bail and he has a vacation.

I then heard that he was working in a neighbor’s house, prepping it to be put up for sale. Jeff hired one of his pals to assist on the job. As the story goes, they spent the money for the job (paid upfront no less) not on paint, but on drugs. They were using this now-empty unit (the owner moved before he listed it) as a party house.

Recap: Our “Brother in Christ Jesus” is in jail and operating a shooting gallery 2 doors down from where his wife and 2 young kids live.


As I said, BrownJason called me to ask about Jeff. Or, as I put it “Jeff who’s been away for a while?”

Here’s the story:

Last week, BrownJason drove to Morehead City to pick Jeff up from jail. He’d been sitting there for a month on some sort of moving violation-related offense. That in itself is of interest to me, but that’s another discussion.

So, Jason picks him up and drives him back here to Raleigh. He then proceeds, in an attempt to help Jeff get back on his feet, to recommend Jeff to his parents for a painting job. Naturally, Jeff needs money upfront to buy paint and supplies. Don’t forget that Jeff is your “Brother in Christ Jesus”.

Anyone want to guess what happened next?

You’re probably close to right, except you left out the part where Jeff takes a neighbor’s car before he flees. Jeff who happens to be your “Brother in Christ Jesus”.

Apparently, his next door neighbor lent him her car. I’ve never really met this woman, but I have seen her and she appears to be 472 years old. Miss Betty, I believe, lent her car and only means of transportation to a neighbor suspected of doing drugs in the unit next door who also happens to be fresh out of the clink. Who else wants to bet that Miss Betty is a nice little Christian lady who thinks I belong in hell?

Now, Miss Betty has no car and BrownJason’s parents have $800 dollars less than they had a few days ago.

Me: Can I assume Miss Betty has filed a police report for her stolen car (knowing damn well what the answer is)
BJ: No.
Me: Say what?
BJ: She doesn’t want to cause Jeff’s wife any more suffering.
Me: OK then.

And, another day passes around here.

Upon hearing this, I went to go find JewelrySlut. She was sunning her fine ass by the pool. She was angry when the story was over. Not angry because of what happened, but angry because our lovingly na‹ve and hypocritical neighbors have struck again.

And so I ask?

When you accept Jesus as your personal savior do you also become a fucking retard?

Do you lose your grip on reality?

Is common sense not in the Bible? It must not be because how else can you explain any of this?

I can’t tell you how angry Christians make me. And, I don’t mean people who believe in the Baby Jesus and all (because I happen to), but Christians. You know them. They’re right, you’re wrong. They hate you for everything you do.

I fucking hate them.

There’s some religious tolerance for you.

5 thoughts on “If you love Jesus, please leave

  1. Are Christians all retards? Not the ones who believe that God helps those who help themselves. I hate it when people hide behind religion to do stupid shit. Makes me look like a retard and I don’t need any help in that dept, apparently.

  2. Those aren’t Christians. Those are trolls. And they’ll burn in the same hell Falwell’s in now. Make room for Ted Haggard, Larry Craig and Tom DeLay. Amen!

    The church I’m going to here in Minnesota actually cares about peace, social justice and helping members of all races, creeds, and colors better their life. Of course, they’d be locked up as commie pinkos by the mega-churched plastic people.

  3. There’s this giant umbrella of moral superiority called “christians”, but within it are thousands of microgroups with their own little judgemental, narrow-minded rules about who goes to hell and who will be forgiven and so forth, contradicting themselves, the bible and each other. When questioned about how this can be so, they justify “Well they’re not really christians.” As a non-xtian, I can’t tell the difference. I like Juddhole’s summation of the bible, which is basically “God said don’t do bad shit to each other”, and means christianity is the smallest minority religion in the world. Incidentally, today is Juddhole’s “older than Jesus” b’day, so all you feygs should go hump his bum or something.

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