Did I just run your kid over? My bad.

I had a Board meeting last night. It was fun.

Last month, we’d had some…issues…in our parking lot that resulted in the police coming to visit a pair of feuding neighbors 3 times in 5 days.

side rant
When did it become OK to just call the police because you and your neighbor can’t get along? I see that all the time here and it baffles me. People around here can’t have civilized discussions. They immediately call the police. Inevitably when this happens, my doorbell rings because the cops are given my name. They come and explain that there’s nothing they can do if 2 adults don’t feel like acting like adults. I thank them for coming out and apologize for wasting their time. As I told another neighbor recently “Low Class knows no color”.
/side rant

Anyway…on a Friday, someone pulled into the parking lot with their stereo blasting. I heard none of this probably because I was down here in my cave on a conference call. Neighbor 1 apparently approached Neighbor 2 (whose nephew had the car) and asked that it be turned down or off. I was told the response was “Go fuck yourself”. Good times! This led to a call to the police.

On Sunday, kids from Neighbor 2 were playing football in the parking lot (something they have been told about 47 million times not to do). They bounced the ball of Neighbor 1′s car. N1 (Abbreviations will now take over) talked to the kid and went to talk to N2. N2, instead of acting civilized, apparently sent her boyfriend outside to kick N1′s ass. The cops were called.

This led to N2 and his wife to come to my house to complain. I told them N1 has received notices about the kids playing and that we’d address it. An hour later, the police were at my door and calling me Richard. I don’t know who the fuck Richard is.

That Monday, we sent N1 a letter notifying her that this was her 3rd violation and that a hearing had been set.

The cops were back a few hours later.

Fast forward to the end of that week. ShortCarol got the following email from N2.

This is in reference to the letter I received concerning the violation fo N2
1744 OurStreet (MyKingdom).
This action is so bias in my opinion.
I do need to talk to the board members concerning this matter and to state my CASE…….
11/13 is a big inconvenience for me because I go to school………………………………………
however, Thurs 11/1 @ 5pm will work fine or anytime on a Saturday.

If you can translate that for me, I’d appreciate it.
So, we had our meeting last night. N2 was there with her boyfriend.

I outlined why we were here and what had led to the hearing (namely that her bastard (in the literal sense actually) children continued to play in the parking lot and that it had to stop because it was now officially a major nuisance). I explained that CrazyAnne and I had asked her kids to play elsewhere on several occasions over the past year and that they had not listened. I also explained how nearly every time her kids play in the parking lot, my doorbell rings and that it had to stop.

Her response was epic.
She stated that ever since she moved in (about a month after us), she’s been regretting it because this is a horrible community in which to raise children. (She’s got 3 sons ranging from 9 – 17 or so). She feels they have no place to play and they can’t go outside. She doesn’t understand why her kids can’t play in the parking lot. She also said there’s nowhere else for them to play.

I responded by telling her it’s not like she owned a farm with several acres for her kids to run around in and it was suddenly paved into townhouses. She had to see what the neighborhood looked like when she moved in. I also mentioned that there are common areas for kids to run amok in behind her house, alongside her house, behind my house, behind CrazyAnne’s house and on our pathetic tennis courts. I said that I have a young child and that she doesn’t need to play in the parking lot to have fun.

I was told that the community is fair for 5-year olds, but not teenagers. I looked at her quizzically.

I suggested they play on the tennis courts and was told that they’re too messy (they’re kinda dumpy for a million reasons, but they’re flat and open). I suggested, as I do to all people, that they pick up a rake and do something. I offered them one of mine. They refused, stating that the Board should fix them.

CrazyAnne mentioned the inherent un-safeness in playing in the parking lot. Several people (N2 included) race around the parking lot like it’s Le Mans. She said there’s enough room for her kids to dodge the cars if they need to.

I mentioned that on more than one occasion, her kids have bounced footballs or bikes off of my car and that I’d really prefer that not happen.

So, like any immature, low-class, asshole, she announced that her kids would never again leave the house because she fears getting letters. I told her that she was more than welcome to do so but it was completely unnecessary. I stated, rather simply, that if there’s pavement, the kids should not play on it. If it’s not paved, it’s OK.

Then, she stormed off and left.

I put my head down on the conference table and wept for a minute.

I love this job.

So, here’s today’s Shmuppieism:
Last night at dinner, she was babbling instead of eating.

Shmuppie: Today at school, we read If You Give a Moose a Muffin. Then, our teacher gave us wieners. They had blueberries on them


5 thoughts on “Did I just run your kid over? My bad.

  1. Those aren’t blueberrries, sweetie; that’s herpes. What the hell kind of school are you sending this kid to? Next time tell N2 if her kids play in the parking lot again they will be considered speed bumps.

  2. I love living in a place that isn’t shared. I looked up your house on googlemaps and it didn’t look like any assholery was going on. You lie, googlemaps.

  3. I love the daily Shmuppieisms! I think that you should install a series of fines for people who call the police for no good reason. everytime that they call the cops for an argument, it is $25.00 fine, that money then goes into a President’s travel fund, or neighborhood party fund. And if they don’t pay, then you put a lein on their property so they have to pay, even if they move!!

    Fucking Trash.

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