Holiday Rants and Raves

Strap in

Topics for discussion:
Bug Zapper
Homeowner’s Association Madness

JewelrySlut is being mean to me. There are 3 movies I want to see that I have been told I am not allowed to see. I may not see them because they have been deemed stupid and worthless.

National Treasure 2: Or, as I call it, Treasure Bath. Shit, I loved the first one. It was stupid enough to keep me amused and worked in a little history. It was way too much fun.

I am Legend: Will Smith! Vampires! Those 2 things mean I may not see the movie.

And, the winner of them all. When I saw Transformers (a movie I was only allowed to see because JewelrySlut and Shmuppie were in FLA at the time), this movie’s preview showed. Of course, at the time, it was title-less and was only known as 1-18-08. Now it has a name and it shall be Cloverfield. I need me some Cloverfield. Like Andria needs Migrant Worker Cock, I need that movie.

Before our holiday party at work, we had to answer a survey. We played a little game in which we had to match answers to people we work with. It was actually quite fun. We had to list our 3 favorite movies. Here’s what I answered:

1 Star Wars
2 Rounders
3 Anything else that my wife won’t let me watch because it includes any of the following: space ships, robots, lasers, Mars, giant insects, giant laser-equipped robotic insects, mummies, mummies with lasers, robotic mummies, female frontal nudity.

Need I explain why Starship Troopers was the perfect movie? I will argue this point to the death. I have scientific proof that it was the perfect movie. It hit all the required elements: lasers, spaceships, evil insects, Neil Patrick Harris, Boobies.

(This is where I drop the keyboard and just walk away. That’s right. I’m done and you got nuttin, suckah)

Bug Zapper:
Earlier this summer, we started discussing these things at work. So, we looked for a while, and, through Deadspin (of all places), found a link to a site where we could buy these. (Canadians can buy them, but it’s hard to find them for sale in the US. But, that’s not anywhere near a reason to want to be a Canadian. Canadians suck.) It’s what it looks like. It’s an electrified tennis racquet. You charge it up and swat bugs with it. We’d seen them on St, John and they’re spectacular. If you have enough juice in it, the bug explodes.

So, I have one now. A coworker shipped me one. So, I put in the batteries and charged it up. It whistles!

Last night, JewelrySlut was lying on the coach with a foot out. I walked over and tried to zap her foot. Since she had a sock on, nothing happened. We figured it might not work well. I approached her hand. I held it over her hand and just stood there. She gave me one of her looks.

Look be damned!


It was loud and the ensuing spark was huge. JewelrySlut screamed. Me? I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself.

Will there be revenge? Will it be painful and possibly involve my nuts? Yes.

Will it be worth it?

Hell yea.

They’re baaaaaaack. And, by that, I mean my family. We had 2 years down here to enjoy ourselves. Now, it’s back to the holidays I remember so un-fondly. Yelling…bad food…yelling…anger…drunken rants…anger…open hostility.


Currently, SecretAgentBrother, SIL and the older of her 2 kids are driving here from DC. We’ve been drafted into a dinner on Saturday at M&K’s house (M&K are friends of my brother who moved in with my parents before buying a house in a decidedly sketchy part of Raleigh). We might escape Sunday on our own. I plan to cook for us that night because, after then, it’s bad food time.

On the 24th, I thankfully have to work. So, we won’t head up the road until about 4. And since Shmuppie needs to get to bed at a decent hour (lest Santa not come), we have to leave before 8. It will suck, but only for 4 hours.
At my parent’s house will be:
The 3 from DC
The 3 of us
4 dogs

I suspect we will have a horrible time.

Then, we get to go back on Christmas. My mother plans to ruin a prime rib for the occasion? Why not have them here, you ask?

A few reasons. Our house is not large enough for the masses. Yes, we have space enough for them all, but not enough rooms and TV’s. Everyone needs a room and TV to his or herself and we lack the space. And, my mother doesn’t like to come here. She may have to look at a black person if she did.

Yesterday was Shmuppie’s little class holiday performance. My mother attended.

Some notes on Shmuppie’s class. There are 19 kids. 5 are white. There’s only one little boy who’s white. We don’t have a problem with it. In fact, it’s probably a good thing for Shmuppie to be in such a diverse class. But, we have kids with interesting names. Like, a boy named Dakota. Or a girl named Jurni. (I happen to think this was meant to be “Journey”, but Moms couldn’t spell right) There’s also an Onyi and some other strange shit. Well, Dakota sits near Shmuppie. My mother observed, quite loudly in her NJ/Italian voice (Imagine the worst of the Sopranos women) that she can’t tell who’s who because some of the names really can be for boys or girls. JewelrySlut and I feared for our lives.

My mother is awful

(end sidebar)

Anyway…back to the holiday fiasco. We’ll be going there on back to back days. Just like old times in NJ. We’re not happy.

Homeowner’s Association shit:
It’s bad. I may have to quit and just become another asshole who complains about stuff.

On Sunday, during dinner, I had to field a call from a neighbor who wanted a car towed because it had parked in his numbered spot. Grow up and let it be? No. We need to tow the car and bother me.

Our property Manager seems to be holding back payment to contractors. So, they come to my hose to look for money.

BatShitCrazyPearl is well…BatShitCrazy. I hate her and hope she dies in childbirth.

Our property manager raised our dues for 2008. She raised them to an amount that we can’t find a reason behind, did it without Board approval, and failed to notify the community. This is bad because we had planned to raise them even more. Now, we’re fucked.

And, we’re running out of money.

And, I have no tolerance for any of this.

So…that’s it. That’s NoGoodDaddy’s Holiday Bonanza. I may be back before Christmas, but I may not.

Like you fucking care.

10 thoughts on “Holiday Rants and Raves

  1. This is from a review of Cloverfield:
    The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

    I mean…I NEED to see it now

  2. Re: I AM LEGEND… not only does it not have Vampires in it, it DOES have really angry Flesh Eating Mummies!!! You totally need to see this movie.

    P.S. Not all Canadians Suck. I know. I am one of them (a Canadian) and I don’t suck. Well, okay, I do. But not all the time!

  3. Kristen I thought it had zombies, not mummies. And Darren says you do indeed suck but in a good way. Dude, you hit your wife with an electrified tennis racket? HAHAHAHA!!!! So does this mean the next time I call you for some verbal abuse you’ll sound like Alvin Chipmunk? God I hope so.

    My brother used to play “beetle baseball” when he was a kid. We’d have these huge green Japanese beetles in the spring and he’d be in the backyard narrating a baseball game and smacking the shit out of them.

    You’re both ass monkeys.

  4. Reasons why Starship Troopers is best movie ever: Alien bugs, Dina Meyer, violence, boobies, violence, Dina Meyer’s boobies…. Did I remember to mention that Dina Meyer shows here boobies in that movie?

  5. Pete knows. Oh…Pete knows.

    I mean. they sat down to make that movie and must have had a checklist on the wall:
    Bad dialogue
    More lasers
    Use of stereotypes

    Then, they’re sitting there:
    Guy #1 “Something is missing…what is it?”
    Guy #2: “Neil Patrick Harris?”
    Guy #1: “Yes, but that’s not what will tie this movie together”
    (They all think)
    (In walks the janitor. Little do we know, but it’s really one of the Weinstein brothers. They didn’t always run the place)
    Janitor: “Boobies?”
    3 guys: “YES!!!!! Boobies! Who are you and can you run our studio?”

  6. WCG: They very well could be Zombies. Infact, they most likely are, since they aren’t all wrapped up like Mummies. Jeez, and I’ve seen the movie. Man that’s bad. Glad that I don’t suck too much.

    Merry Christmas!

  7. Goddammit, I didn’t know you updated. And, FYI, fucker, I DO indeed love migrant worker cock. So there.

    I can’t believe you want to go see those shitty movies. Thank god JS is there to save your sorry ass from yourself.

    Seriously. National Treasure?????? HOMO.

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