2011 can eat a bag of dicks

January: We started the shitstorm of 2011 poorly. I weighed in at 190 and immediately became sickened with myself. My mother had her back surgery. Since I spent the day before and day of said surgery in the bathroom puking up my guts, I didn’t call her. After she got home, I was “sent for”. She lectured me about not calling her “What if I had died?” I told her we both knew she wasn’t going to die and if I hadn’t called then I’d have to live with it (whatever that meant), not her; she’d be dead. I then went on the assault. We didn’t speak again for months. Work sucked. It was cold. I started running

February: JewelrySlut turned 40 and I managed to make a nice mid-week dinner for her. Our planned trip to Asheville was scuttled because of my mother’s back, Shmuppie’ s inability to stay at their house without freaking out and my mother and I and the whole not speaking thing. I’m sure Moo did something cute. Work sucked even more. My feet hurt. I needed new sneakers and some $400 inserts. My feet still hurt. I got under 180.

March: Shmuppie was tracked out for 3 weeks. Grr…having her at home for all that time was evil. On a positive note, we took a vacation at the end of the month. We went to WEI and promptly walked into horrid weather. The Wii saved us from certain insanity. We won’t complain about a week off from life, but it could have been better. My feet hurt. I kept running. I got into the low 170s. On a positive note, UConn went on its run through postseason basketball. From a fan’s perspective, it was a joy to behold.

April: Pollen, tornadoes and more suck from work. It really was a horrible year at work. My main account was just terrible; both the clients and my coworkers. I worked way too much in 2011 and am hoping to not be so stressed out from work in 2012. I kept running. I didn’t like it but it was getting somewhat easier. I was up to about 2.5 miles at a time. I stayed in the low 170s.

May: Shmuppie turned 9. I don’t remember anything else happening other than that I’m sure I hated work. I ran some more. IN convinced someone else to run. She became angry with me. She was down nearly 20lbs by now too. I was in the high 160s.

June: It was hot. We had swimming. Swimming sucked. Shmuppie did not take it seriously and lollygagged through the summer. She also tracked out for 5 weeks. My mother took her on another cruise. My parents and I were barely speaking. I was fine with it. Work was awful. Running became infinitely less fun as the temperatures went up. Life was madness. Swimming 2X per week and Saturday meets. It was all a blur of trips to the Y and working on my blackberry late into the night.

July: We went to FLA for July 4th. JewelrySlut’s father was moved to a hospice facility for a “respite”. He was to stay there for a month. S was at home, mostly trying to regain her sanity and life. She’d been caring for him 24/7 for 2 years and it had taken its toll on her. We had a nice visit, ate shrimp, set off fireworks and drive home in storms. Work, as expected, was beyond bad.

August: Happy Birthday to me. I celebrated by running 3 miles. I was in the mid 160′s, having lost 25lbs and had managed to keep it off. JewelrySlut was also running and was cursing me with every step. Work was…you know.

September: Shmuppie tracked out again and we went back to EI. MerlotMan, ChurchBomber, and us all decided that we needed a good trip down there after March’s misadventures. We got it. The weather was wonderful and we had a great time in our oceanfront house. We played in the sand, ate well, and had a wonderful time. Moo really enjoyed the beach. By now, she was more than a handful. She’s developed quite the personality. Watching her play in the sand or stand in the waves with her mother was among the highlights of the year for me. Work… I went to Cleveland for a few days. I hit 162.

October: I got back from vacation and walked into a tsunami wrapped in a tornado, glazed with a forest fire. I spent the first week back waiting to get fired. My team had fallen apart in my absence and everything went to shit. I realized that there was nothing I could do to save things. I was going to have to accept that I was considered a failure and take my beatings that continue to come on a daily basis. I rode the worst of it for 2 weeks.

Then, one fine Wednesday, JewelrySlut walked into my office with red eyes. “Dad’s dying”. FUCK! We had her and Moo no a plane the following morning. We hoped that they could race Death to Florida. They made it in time. Did they ever. By Saturday, he was still alive and I had gone insane. I jumped on a plane, sending Shmuppie to my parents’ house. In typical NoGoodFamily fashion, we put the shit behind us and rallied. They took Shmuppie for a few days. I got to FLA for long enough to realize that my father in law didn’t plan on dying on our schedule. He was waiting until he was ready. I put us all on a plane and brought us home. We needed to restore some sanity.

The running continued.

November: My father in law passed away early in the month. This time, JewelrySlut, Shmuppie and I all went down to FLA for the services. My brother in law and his fat derelict family showed up. We spent 4 days not talking to one another. A year of calls from their debt collectors had soured us all on each other. The services were what they were. My mother-in-law’s family and kids all came down to FLA and it was good to spend time with our new family. Some people don’t get our decision to keep her in our lives; she is, after all, just a step-mother. We don’t see it that way and are happy our kids have another grandmother…a bonus grandmother.

I went to Lima OH for work.

There was a rash of un-friending on Facebook. Apparently, I’m a tad too much of an asshole for some.

We ran a 5K. JewelrySlut won her age group. We ran WAY too fast.

Thanksgiving was its usual bout of wine-induced fun.

December: Work started sucking a little less. Shmuppie tracked out again but spent a week at my parent’s house. The 3 of us sat around the house and relaxed. We went back to FLA for Christmas. IT was a good trip; filled with the usual insanity, but done while in shorts.

I guess we’re back to normal with my family. We talk now and think we’ve reached another level of d‚tente. It is what it is with us. We’ll never be normal or storybook-looking. Too many bridges have been blown up to ever have that. I gained a few pounds at the end of the year and finished 2011 at 168. I also finished it with a 3.5 mile jog with JewelrySlut. I don’t know who these 2 skinny runners are who live in my house, but I think we like them.

2012:
I need to lose 5lbs.
We will run another race or 2.
JewelrySlut and I are taking a vacation in the spring; just us. We need it and my parents are pushing us to do it.
It’s supposed to be a St. John year, but I don’t see it happening. It’s too much money and hassle. I prefer EI and its simplicity.
Shmuppie turns 10. Good lord.
Moo will turn 3.

I hope 2012 is better than 2011. 2011 goes down in the books as a very bad year around here. The only thing I can say about it is that we got fit. That’s good, but not good enough.

Thank God nobody reads this because I just realized how often I change verb tenses

What a mess of a weekend.

Saturday 7:00AM:
The alarm woke me from a deep sleep. I was not happy about being up this early on a weekend. But, parental duty called. Shmuppie, apparently, was none too pleased either. She fought getting out of bed. Sorry kid, you’re the reason we’re up.

7:40: Out the door for the Y. We had basketball practice at 8:00!!!! I used the time to go work out. I was not about to go sit and watch 7-9 year old girls play basketball. After getting my sweat on and totally blasting my pecs, I went back upstairs to catch the end of practice.

Things I wanted to yell but thought better of:
(They seemed to be running a simple offense/defense drill with Shmuppie’s team on offense. They had her on the right side wing)
Point guard (stationed at the foul line (talk about setting up the offense deep in the zone)) swings to Shmuppie. She passes into the corner.
Me: Cut to the basket! There’s a huge gap in the zone! You can catch it on the run for an easy layup!

Shmuppie is now on defense. Same spot on the court. Her girl gets the ball, and in a repeat of the other play, passes into the corner. Shmuppie promptly stares off into space.
Me: Go double the girl in the corner! It’s a perfect place to trap her into a timeout or an untimely turnover. The girl in the Hansbrough jersey can leave her man/girl! That girl in the turquoise pants isn’t even paying attention. Hansbrough can slide over to cover your spot. Turquoise pants sucks!

Shmuppie is back on offense. The zone has been set up inside the paint.
Me: Ooohhh…no they didn’t! They did not just do that! They’re daring you to step back and drain the 3! Step out! Step out!

Instead, I sat there quietly and giggled to myself. Because, other parents were indeed yelling all these things. Shmuppie seemed to be having a good time.

9:00: Leave Y and stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way home. Mmmmm…coffee…
Home: Drag 2 boxes to the dumpster. Then, load up the wheelbarrow…flat tire and all. And lug a metric shitload of other crap up around the house and to said dumpster. Ever push a fully-laden wheelbarrow that has a flat tire? No? It SUCKS! I need to replace the tire, but it’s been too damned cold.

Shower…be cranky.

10:30: Back in the car…all 4 of us now. We have swimming at 11:00! We found the pool (it’s downtown-ish) with Annette’s help (She’s my new GPS) and parked ourselves on the deck. We have Shmuppie in a weekend-only stroke clinic thing for the next few weeks. We didn’t want to do weekday swimming for a little while so she could have a break.

They start with a 50 free. Some boy goes first in her lane. She leaves 5 seconds later. She swims over the kid just past the flags, hits the other end and swims back. Meanwhile, all the other kids have stopped after a 25 and are 110% gassed. They’re gasping for air. Our little fish is bobbing up and down at the far side of the pool, chatting up the coaches. JewelrySlut and I put our heads in our hands.

For most of the next hour, Shmuppie plows through the drills and the 2 of us busy ourselves in our reading because the caustic stares from the other parents are making us feel funny in our privates.

12:00: Swimming is done. JewelrySlut and Shmuppie head to the locker room. I bundle Chicken up against the cold. It’s Farmer’s Market time. We arrive to find that many of the stalls are empty…it’s simply too damned cold. Mind you, it’s like 15 degrees outside. We find some spinach, and stop in at the pork store to get some piggy parts. Finally…we head home.

I immediately set out dismantling JewelrySlut’s car and loading it with stuff. It’s off to storage I go. 3 runs later, I’m done. Cooked, finished, exhausted. I’m cranky and my entire body is sore. I, of course, take this time to go through more stuff in the basement, make a tomato salad, and prep stuff for dinner. While JewelrySlut runs to Goodwill, I slice eggplants. I hear an odd noise, but soldier on. Now the noise is louder and odder. Shmuppie is in the living room doing something. It seems Chicken has woken up and is screaming.

Did you hear your sister?
Yea.
Did you plan to tell me that she’s been screaming?
I forgot.
I’m going to kill you. You know that, right?

Shmuppie followed me upstairs and more or less gets in the way as I was getting her sister out of bed and changed. At this point, I banish Shmuppie from the upper floor of the house. She sulked. She was also tired and cranky but refused to admit it.

I think I was able to sit for 5 minutes right around kickoff of the Jets/Bengals game. I was up and down for most of the first half as thing after thing kept happening that required my attention. I was so tired that all I wanted to do was cry. At some point, things calmed down and so did I. But it was a very long day.

Sunday: Wake up…pancakes…back to swimming…(JewelrySlut stayed home with Chicken and packed boxes)…Trader Joe’s run…1 very full storage run. ..sorting/cleaning in the guest room/Chicken’s room/my soon to be office.

The day settled down after a while but I can’t remember what I did. I didn’t see a lot of football. I did get a good dinner to the table. Spinach and sausage for the parents, ribs and green beans for the kid.

Back to work today…basketball from 7-8. Js and Chicken are going to Mommy’s monthly illegal dice game at 7:00. We’ll all catch up at some time.

We have about 5 more weeks until the work starts in the basement. We’ve made good progress on clearing it, but there’s a long way to go.

Sir…can you move that thing? Yes…your penis.

I remain unsure whether or not I understand the Y.

We’ll put Sally aside for now because my dream of having her be less stupid in 2010 apparently isn’t going to come true. She still can’t assign lockers without jumbling everyone into one small area. There’s only so much man ass I can take.

Also, it’s now January. January at the Y means one thing and one thing only; more people! Yes, folks, you too can make a resolution to be fit. You can spend a ton of money to join the Y. and then, once the calendar flips to February, you can get the hell out. It’s busy this time of year and that makes me mad.

I also don’t understand people who lift weights. Sure, I pump tons of iron on the cute machines, but I’m talking about the guys who lift on the benches with the bars and weight plates. They’re not there to lift, are they? They’re there to validate penis size. Gentlemen, if Sally’s working, you don’t even need to hit the exercise room to do that, just ask for a locker.

Today, I decided to clock myself as I did my weight exercises. I do 6 exercises. 3 sets of 15 on the stomach and back machine. And then 3 sets of 10 on 4 assorted arm machines. Don’t ask me to name the machines because I simply don’t know. What I do know is that they work a good assortment of muscles. In essence, I’m not focusing on having Popeye arms or a huge neck. Just an all-over reduction of flab.

So, today, it took me just about 13:30 to do those 6 exercises. I don’t know if that’s good or bad; it just is. However, during the first half of that time, I saw a guy plate up a shitload of weight (3 big plates and one medium per side of the bar) and then lie on the bench and look at it. Then, after I was halfway through my exercises, he walked away; not having lifted anything. He was also nice enough to have left all that weight on the bar.

But, I’m telling you, I got hard just looking at him stare down all that weight. Maybe tomorrow, he’ll actually lift his arms and hold on for a while. I figure by March, he’ll be in the ICE with a crushed windpipe. Then, I’ll laugh.

Look, kind sir in your resplendent NC State garb, go away. Nobody’s impressed. If anything, people are making fun of you. Bad people…like me.

One other note; every season, my father and I go to one NC State game. We end up seeing a shit game because it’s near-impossible to get tickets once the conference season starts. Mind you, the games are not 100% attended, but they are sold out. Jackasses. So…yesterday, we went to see Florida play State. We’ve been to a lot of games, and this may have been the worst one ever. So, as regulation wound down and Florida missed a shot to win the game, we left…as Overtime was starting. Yes…we left an OT game. It was just that bad. As we turned onto our street, this happened.

Sorry about the ad

State Sucks.

When a name is more than a name

We have a new swimming schedule at the house. Shmuppie has practice M/W/F from 6-7. It’s a horrible time for all of us, but we’re trying to make it work.

The plan, for now, is for me to take her to the Y and for JewelrySlut to stay at home and do her nbest to juggle Chicken and get dinner put together so she and I can eat when Shmuppie and I get home.

Monday was the first night.
We explained to Shmuppie that she had to eat beforehand because we did not want her eating dinner after 7:30 and then rushing into the shower and to bed. Monday went well. We did our things and, afterwards, Jewelryslut and I ate and Shmuppie had ice cream.

Then we had yesterday.

For me, it was a bad day at work. So, at 5:20, all I wanted to do was get out of the office and get to the Y. I went upstairs and Shmuppie was still eating. In fact, she had a long way to go.

“Folks…it’s 5:20. It’s getting late”
JewelrySlut: I know. But she has time.

I took Chicken int other other room and sat with her.

5:25: Almost done yet?
Getting there.

5:30:
“You have exactly 3 minutes. If you’re not done, you can go to you room”

5:32:20: Daddy? how many more minutes?

EAT!

5:33: That’s it…time up. Go to your room. You’re not swimming tonight.

So, Shmuppie missed Day 2 of practice. Now able to smell colors, I went upstairs and reamed her out. I was probably a tad over the top and JewelrySlut told me I cursed a few times. I honestly don’t remember. I was furious.

why?

A few reasons.

The petty: Swimming, between now and Christmas, is costing us over $700. I’m not about to waste money if the damn kid can’t do her part.

It’s not like she was given a feast for dinner: a small salad, some macaroni and cheese and like 4 bites of pot roast. nothing much.

The non-petty: We’ve been fighting a LOT lately with Shmuppie over dinner…heck…about food in general. She refuses to eat. She picks what’s for dinner (as long as she helps me cook it) and then won’t eat. What we’re trying to avoid is having food time turn into fight time. That’s never good when there’s a little girl involved.

Plus…the kid’s got to learn some responsibility. We’ve been talking to her a lot in the past month about how the house is changing and how we expect her to help out more. most importantly, that she main thing she needs to worry about is being a good student and enjoying her swimming.

She knew 5:30 was departure time. She challenged us. she lost. If she pulls that shit on us again, she’s done with swimming until next summer. She wants to be on the most competitive team at the Y. We’re holding her back because, mentally, she’s not ready for the responsibility. It’s hard to reason with a 7-year old, but we’re trying.

then…several hours later, we were getting Chicken ready for bed. She’s so cute.
Me: (to Jewelryslut): I had my doubts that this was a good idea.
JewelrySlut: Me too
Me: I don’t anymore.

Lastly… the picture form the game.

Bottom of the first…we get up to get food. I am in charge of hot dogs, my father is in charge of beer. While on line, I noticed that after every pitch, they were showing our seats. And…the game ws on TV.

after we got back to the seats, I told my father that I’d have to go take his picture at some point. He started texting a coworker to turn on the game. I was not sure we had the channel. sure enough, Sam had the channel and could see him.

Me: (dials phone). Hi…see if we get channel 251. We may.
Jewelryslut: I don’t think we do
Me: check anyway!
JS: I hate you. It says Knight Rider is on
Me: Check! The game is supposed to be on TV.
JS: I hate you.
Me: I know. just do it, will you
JS: Fine. HEY! There you are!
Me: Cool. Record it.
(Sticks up middle finger)
JS: Nice, you asshole.

2 or 3 things

Current job is sucking more than I thought possible. I liked it when the operation asked me this morning how much work they had on the floor left to complete?

“I don’t know, guys. How’s about you go look?”

2: The other job is looking like it possibly could maybe me more promising. they’re doing some transfer paperwork.

3rd:

Man…that’s going to be funny forever.

“Daddy’s on the TV! He’s giving you the finger Mommy!”
-Shmuppie