The King of somewhere HOT

Let’s recap

I spent all of last week in NJ.

FUCK

My 8:00 Friday night flight was cancelled.

FUCK

They put me on a 6:00PM.

Woohoo!

It left at 7:55PM.

FUCK!

I was back on a plane to NJ on Monday AM!

FUCK!

I’m back in NC

Woohoo!

It’s 103 degrees

FUCK!

I had to take my brother in law and family to the airport this morning.

FUCK!

Their 100+ lb black lab is living here now.

FUCK!

Work is sucking the life out of me. Apparently, according to MidgetVP, I’m not holding meetings with vendors when I’m in NJ. I don’t know what the fuck else you should call it. I’ve seen more of these people than I have my wife and kid over the last 2 weeks.

FUCK!

I’m so goddam tired.

FUCK!

more to come once I remember where the hell I am

Try to make the best of whatever comes your way.

So, I’m back. Like I should think that anyone missed me.

Work is funny. I spent 2 years at HealthcareRelatedCompany with NOTHING to do. It’s not like there were no results: I was able to overplan and execute the single greatest vacation I’ve ever taken, our 2004 trip to St John to celebrate the moment of my birth. I also discovered this place. But, when I say this place, I don’t really mean THIS place because THIS place is being written at just this moment. As usual, I digress; you all know what I mean.

But, now they have me currently doing 3 jobs. I work for one person on one of them, for another (Redheadedcornturd) on another and for absolutely no one on the 3rd. I consider the 3rd, running my printing empire, to be my #1 priority at all times. No one else even knows how I do it, or for that matter, that I do it. It’s fun.

That leaves me with 2 other projects. The newest one is part of a corporate wide document strategy. One part of it (mine) is to transition the printing operation out of our building and to the vendor who the company selects. That’s nice. I get to work on the one thing that will terminate my employment. However, they just decided to extend me on through Dec. 31. That’s very good. I get the feeling that in 2006, I’ll still be working for HealthcareRelatedCompany in one capacity or another. I plan to use this project to really beef up the old resume or to show my amazing value to some other departments and leach myself on to them. JewelrySlut is in no mood to go back to work any time soon and the longer I milk this, the longer she stays home.

Which brings me to:

I’ll be baaaaaack in NJ next week and possibly the following week.

Oh Joy. While taking a trip on a big airplane like a big boy does hold some excitement, why can’t I be going to our offices in St Thomas or something? Oh yea…we don’t have them. We have offices in NJ. I’ve only been here 3+ weeks, but I already know that I’m not prepared to go back to NJ without losing my mind entirely. I’m going to miss this silly place…the quiet, the uncrowdedness, the lack of commuting…you name it, and I’ll miss it. We’ve grown quite attached to Raleigh.

It’s funny though. Several times each day, I’ll look around and remark “Well, I know I slept in my bed last night. And this is all our shit, but when do we take it all home again? I mean, we can’t actually have done this, right?”

It’s very surreal. We live here.

AND WE FUCKING LOVE IT

Best. Decision. Ever.

To make you all somewhat jealous, here’s my day.

7:00AM: Alarm goes off. I snooze it twice

7:18: Get up (JewelrySlut is still asleep next to me). That makes me smile every day. In our past lives, she’d be arriving at work at this time. Me and Shmuppie would already be sitting in traffic. I brush, shave and piss.

7:25: To the basement to start working.

8:00: (and today I’m late) Go upstairs for coffee and the paper. We have a lovely but silly little paper down here. I love it how when you get to a 3rd tier city like this, the paper is entirely made up of articles culled from the AP and the major papers in your geographic area. Nothing is written in house. They must have someone there though because every article is carefully chosen. They all somehow relate back to Raleigh and Wake County. Bombings in London? The headline was something like “Triangle Residents involved in London Attacks). You can be assured to find, in any article, a sentence like this: (In an article about migrant workers in Southern California) Jane Doe, who once passed through Wake Forest and once used a portable toilet in Knightdale, is working to ensure the rights of grape pickers”. Or something. I love looking for how much of a stretch is needed to tie the article back to this area.

8:30 or so: back downstairs and back to work. This continues until I get tired of working. Then, I hop to this computer and play 18 at Pebble Beach or something. Later, if I’m hungry, I emerge and get something to eat or go run an errand or 2.

All during this, JewelrySlut and Shmuppie are upstairs doing their thing. Shmuppie loves to come downstairs and holler “Be quiet Mommy. Daddy’s on the phone”. People at work enjoy that.

5:00: If the weather’s good, I quit for a while and take my ladies to the pool. If it’s not, I still go upstairs and have a beer or 2.

That’s it. They’re getting more hours from me but I don’t really care. I’m still winning. I’ve filled my gas tank once since we’re here. Gas is expensive, you know. I like knowing that I can spend that money on beer and fireworks instead. I usually return to my lair before dinner to tie up some loose ends and then I’m done. No driving, no traffic.

It’s nice.

When I’m up North next week, I have to travel with a cooler. Already, we’re missing certain foodstuffs. We tried to buy Italian sausage recently.

Fuck it…it’s 24 hours later than when the last sentence was typed. Work is way too busy. However, I do get to wake up at 4:00AM on Monday so I can be in Newark by 7:30. That’s one hell of a way to start your week. Whenever we’ve left for a vacation and been at the airport at 7 or something, I always see the people just landing and say “Suckers”.

Yup…that’s going to be me.

So, if you’re in Parsippany next week, swing by the Embassy Suites for a drink. I’ll be buying booze for my room. We’ll party like over worked grunts!

Maybe I’ll have time at night next week to discuss the fuckingly odd weather that we seem to have here in North Raleigh.

Writing his memoirs, losing his hearing, but he don’t care what most people say

**Note**

Ok…so I’m a putz. I put in all the answers and failed to mention who sent the questions.

Sorry, Other Chad

1) Even though you call yourself the NoGoodDaddy and your wife JewelrySlut, you and she obviously love your kids. Therefore, as a reasonably good parent, what type of bad parenting on the part of other people really makes you want to kill some midgets, or at least bang your head against a wall?

Well, thanks for the compliment…I think. I see so much bad parenting that I can barely contain myself and can’t pick a favorite. It could be that parents don’t always seem to understand that life changes with kids. You can’t expect a kid to behave in public…especially at night. Who takes their kid to a restaurant at 10:00? An asshole, that’s who.

But, no…this is the one I’ll gripe about because I saw a lot of it the other day:

Maxim for child rearing:
People have been having kids for millions of years. There’s nothing new to it.

Why do I say that? I say that because I had to listen to a woman for 6 hours on Sunday talk about how Little Perry doesn’t sleep through the night and doesn’t do this or that or needs to go to the Dr for this or that and has this or that ailment.

Wanna know why LP doesn’t sleep through the night? It’s because you keep fucking waking him up every hour to feed him. I don’t know…maybe if you let the kid sleep and get on a schedule, he may not be as much of a little shit (LP is 7 months old by the way so it’s not like he knows he’s a shit, but you all get what I’m saying). Kids need to sleep. I know that SIDS is a serious thing, but your kid’s probably not going to die unless you wake him up every hour. It’s going to piss him off more than anything.

And, your kid does not have Hypothyroidism. He’s got big eyes. Why does a kid with big eyes need to have some bizzaro hormone imbalance? People are fucking nuts.

This woman has her kid on 2 kinds of antibiotics right now. Why? Probably because her doctor’s sick of having her come in every 3 days to complain about an ailment. Then she bitches that the kid has the shits. No shit he has the shits. You’re a fucking dietician, lady; you know what antibiotics do to your kid’s intestines. I suggested that he have some yogurt…get some bacteria back in his system. She said she might try some baby yogurt. I nearly spit my drink out as I blurted “Baby Yogurt! Are you out of your mind?” Probably should have kept that one to myself.

The kid wasn’t allowed to play with one of those big-page kid books. He might get poisoned from the paper. Hello? Did I miss a newscast outlining the deadly impact of paper poisoning on kids in Johnson County, NC? No, I didn’t. Know why I didn’t? Because there isn’t one! Jesus.

All the while, Shmuppie’s eating bugs, playing in the dirt, and acting like a kid. This woman keeps looking at her with amazement. She can’t A: imagine a kid behaving so well at an adult party and B: fathom that we’re letting her roam free.
So, in answering the initial question, what annoys me is when parents don’t think about how their actions impact their kids. They’re people after all. Would you want me waking you up all the time to shove a thermometer up your ass?

2) Michael Jackson has been judged not guilty by a jury of his peers. What’s your take on the whole thing? Assuming you care. If you don’t care at all, tell us what the hell is wrong with those of us who, sadly, do.

I missed most of the trial. It was during a lot of the move and I also couldn’t care less. He did it, he will do it again and he was NEVER getting convicted. While I can never say that the kids got what they had coming, I wish there could have been a way to have the parents get molested. I mean, who sends their kids to a grown man’s house…didn’t they see what happened to Dudley and whatshisname at the bike shop?

Ok…so we have a known freakshow. He thinks he’s a child. He doesn’t even look human. He used to be black and could sing the shit out of a song and now is some sort of albino freak who can’t carry a tune. He’s built himself an amusement park. He’s a suspected kid toucher. What do you do? Send your kids to his house for the night. That’s what you do…

I hope the parents of these kids all burn very slowly when they get to hell. What they did was the worst form of evil. They let their kids get molested. To what end? To try to make some money? That’s just not good at all. I don’t care what your bills look like. You NEVER pimp out your kids. Not cool.

And if you followed the trial…well, it’s not like there’s too much else on TV.

3) What actor out there is really popular, but whose success you just cannot understand?

Since saying “all of them” would be too easy…let me ponder this one a while.
(scratches nuts)
(picks nose)
(ponders whether or not I need to pee and why lately it burns when I do so)

Since I started pondering, I’ve answered 4 and 5 and done a bunch of work…

I can’t name one. I don’t get why we care about celebrities in general or why they think we care about whet they care about. Just do me a favor, shut the fuck and do your acting thing or your singing thing. I couldn’t care less about the rest. That’s probably why I don’t have a good answer. I don’t pay attention at all to who’s doing what. I don’t know who Katie Holmes is or why I should care. I had no idea that Tom Cruise had gone insane until I read it in everyone’s journals.

But Carrottop? Come on folks.

4) Between Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh, which fat guy would win in a battle of “who’s the biggest hypocrite?” Or arm wrestling.

Well, Michael Moore, I think, is the bigger asshole. And, as JewelrySlut just added, he’s Canadian. Don’t get me started on Canadians. I mean, Canada’s not even a real country. I’d love to say he’s a hypocrite, but I don’t know enough about the guy to know whether or not he’s done anything hypocritical. I guess he’s entitled to his opinion and you didn’t need to go see his movie if you didn’t want to (I didn’t go see it for just that reason). All in all, he’s an asshole, in my opinion.

As for Rush, I think he wins the hypocrite award. In fact, any “conservative”, “family values” person always wins. And this is coming from a person with a conservative Republican view of things. Why are they always the hypocrite? Because everyone likes to drink and screw. It’s what people do. To say that doing those 2 things is bad is silly. I mean, if some conservative nut’s parents didn’t drink and screw, how would he have been conceived? Everyone knows that all babies are conceived while their mother is bent over the sink in a friend’s parents’ basement bathroom after drinking too much rum punch, don’t they?

Hello?

Hello?

Are those crickets?

Back to Rush. He tells us what is right and what is wrong and to be wrong is to be bad. Right? And, all the while, he’s hooked on painkillers. Sorry, Rush, but the pot should have checked the kettle’s color.

As for arm wrestling, Mike Moore in a heartbeat. Can’t you see him pulling that hat around just like Sly Stallone in Over the Top?

5) How much should one tip for good service in a decent restaurant?

Easy. 20%. It all starts at 20%. I give any waitperson 20% to start. It’s up to them to nudge that towards 25 or down to nothing. Unfortunately, it often plunges towards nothing.

2 recent examples:

The night before we left NJ, we made our way to TGIpplebee’s or whatever the local chain restaurant was. It was almost 8:00 and we hadn’t eaten all day. All we wanted was a beer or 2 and a burger. Nothing more. They seat us in the back of the dining room and we wait…and wait…for 20 minutes. Finally, I walked to the bar and asked for 2 beers. The bardude wouldn’t give me them. I was instructed to wait for a server. I mentioned that we were in the back and I was pretty sure that nobody knew we were there. Now, there was a table right next to us with people at it. They had a waiter. Us, not so much. Finally, 2 servers started bickering at a table right near us over who was covering our table. Finally, some slackjawed kid came over and muttered something about how they work in teams and his partner wouldn’t take our table. We ordered our beer and burgers. He came with the beer and muttered that they were “on the bar”. At that point, I announced to JewelrySlut that if they indeed were, it would be made up for in the tip. Well, another round later, we finished. The bill had all 4 beers on it. Sorry, dude, that equals a $2 tip for you. Why? Well, you bickered with a coworker in front of a table. That’s bad. Take it to the fucking kitchen. 2: you said the beers were “on the bar” which I, apparently foolishly, interpreted to mean “free” and then charged for them. Not cool.

This past Saturday the 3 of us went to a local place called Bahamas Breeze. There, they try to serve Caribbean food. Since that’s what we like, we figured we’d go see how bad it was. They broke some major rules. The dumb waitress brought our drinks OK and our appetizer. Then, it went to shit. No sooner than the wings arrived, the entrees arrived. I just stared at the runner and asked her where she thought the food was supposed to go. To her credit, she did not say “Bend over asshole and I’ll show you”. So, there we are with a mountain of food on the table. A few minutes later, appetizers still there, the waitress comes by to see how we like our entrees. I told her we wouldn’t know, all the food came at once and we’re sure the entrees will be cold by the time we get to them. She looked puzzled, muttered something about how that shouldn’t happen and wandered off. Later, she came by and I asked for 2 beers. 5 minutes later, she came back with 2 mixed drinks. I told her we’d wanted beer. At this point, there was no sense in arguing, so we took the drinks and shooed her away. So, to date, she sent us all of our food at once and botched a drink order. There was time to salvage things, but that would come with the bill. Well, the bill came and we were charged full fare for everything. I know we could have sent the drinks back, but, really, it was not worth the hassle. What should have happened is that we should have been charged the beer rate or nothing for them. Nope…full fare. I handed over the Amex. She did come back and mentioned that “management” has adjusted one of the drinks to the beer rate. Thanks, sweetie. There’s 9% for you.

So, don’t fuck up and you deserve 20%. Fuck up and you get less. Ask them boys at the local Mexican place that we love. They get 25% or more every time. The drinks are cold and the food is hot and right.

Well, there you have it, 5 answers to 5 questions. Anyone else want to play?

Veja Veja Veja Du

Enough with the boring travel report. Needless to say, we’re here and we finally closed in NJ. I guess we’re north Carolinians or something. It’s funny though. I keep waiting to “go home” and go back to life. Working from home is cool. Having the rest of the family home all day is cooler. This is like some odd vacation that doesn’t seem to be ending. We like it. A lot.

Things we’ve observed so far:

The people are nice. It’s kinda creepy though. When the truck came to move us in, we pretty much blocked up the whole parking lot here. As people needed to come and go, they were very polite about it. For example:

In NC: “Hey y’all. Y’all movin’ in? Oh…that’s great. Do y’all mind if I move my car so you can have more room?”

In NJ: “Hey asshole. Get your fucking truck the fuck out of my fucking way before I come over and fucking kick your fucking ass”

See the difference? It’s subtle, but it’s there.

They folks here are really friendly also. Most times when we go out, Shmuppie accessorizes. Some times it’s just sunglasses, other times it’s a winter hat and mittens. Whatever it is, you can rest assured that a dozen people will stop to talk to her about how cute she is. For example:

In NC: “Oh…ain’t you juuuuuuust the cuuutest little thing”

In NJ: (nothing is said, but you get a look that says “What a fucking bunch fucks. Who the fuck dresses their fucking kid like that.”)

Again…subtle differences make all the difference.

There’s so much shit to do. Back in NJ, we had to drive 30 minutes to get to anything not named Wal-Mart. Here, we can drive all of 5 minutes and be at any store you can think of, eat any kind of food you’d ever want or be on the area’s 2 major interstates.

Did I mention that it’s so quiet here that it’s almost spooky? Not a peep from anyone.

(Please don’t take this the wrong way)
There are black people here. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that we’re not used to it. Warren County, NJ is like 99.9% lily white. I had a neighbor once say to me (in a whisper of course) “You know, we have a few of them around here. But they have jobs so they’re the good kind.” Riiight. So, it’s almost odd to see different races all commingling and all.

We have awesome cable TV down here. We have Digital cable. WOW. That shit rocks. It wasn’t available in NJ where we lived. We have this TiVo-like thing that allows us to tape shit and stuff. NC ROCKS!

We have a neighbor who we’ve dubbed Harry Potter. There’s this one super rednecky unit on the end of one of the buildings. I can’t tell how many people live there but it may be like 7 or so. Well, this teenager is always coming and going from the place with a rolling suitcase. JewelrySlut decided he lives under the stairs and needs to be known as Harry Potter.

Then, we have Anne. Anne is s lovely Southern lady who lives in our complex. She’s known as the hen. She was the first to come by and introduce herself. She played traffic cop on moving day. She baked us a cake.

I’m telling you, folks. Get your asses down here. It’s unfuckingreal.

Oh…lastly…they sell the following in supermarkets:
Beer
Wine
Fireworks.

Holy Shit. I may have died and gone to heaven. See, in NJ, the first 2 are bought at a liquor store and the 3rd just isn’t bought. But down here, they sell them all in the same aisle. Nothing says Welcome to the South like a 30 pack of Natty Light and some shit that blows up.

Other shit

So, it’s 4th of July time…that means one thing. My parents are getting divorced again.

YAY for me and SecretAgentBrother. We get to deal with all this shit again. Because it wasn’t nearly enough fun last summer. To recap, last June, they announced hat they were splitting up. They said their relationship with me was a big part of it. 3 weeks later, they were “back together”. The year since has been a textbook lesson on how Not to be married. They’re a mess.

So, I’m sitting down here in the dungeon on Friday and the phone rings. It’s my mother. I didn’t even say hello. I asked “Why the hell aren’t you on a plane?” Because my parents are dopey, last summer…mere days before Divorce Part I, they bought a $40000 Hawaiian timeshare. They never use it.

So, they were going to spend 4th of July in Phoenix and use some timeshare points. Phoenix in July? Sure…whatever, you bozos. Maybe next summer, you can go to the Sun. It may be hotter there. They were supposed to fly out Friday at noon. It was 2:00 when the phone rang. I got some story from my mother about how things haven’t been good lately (no shit) and how she has so much work to do and she decided not to go.

Giving my father a TON of credit, he got on the plane and is in Phoenix. I think he’s finally had it. He, like the rest of us, got upset last summer. I think he now realizes it’s a lost cause and has decided to go have some fun for a few days. He can come back to NJ and face the fire then. I told my mother that I can’t be bothered by their marriage anymore. They hurt me last summer and I no longer have the capacity to be bothered by them. I said that the last year has been a mess but I no longer live an hour away and can’t be bothered. As long as they find a way to be happy, I’ll be happy.

My mother’s nuts. Keep in mind that these are the people who wrote us that infamous $110000 check 2 weeks ago. She says they have no money. She needs to work 20 hours a day to make ends meet. She does custom sewing of draped and shit for rich people. All I know is that she’s always working and it makes my father insane. He’s making OK money, but they have no bills other than their property insurance. Despite this, all she does is gripe about money. I think he’s finally had it. He hates they house they live in and never wanted to buy it. He’d be thrilled to take half the money from its sale and just leave. He’ll buy a condo in FLA or Hawaii and go be a sportswriter for a local paper. That’s what he’s always wanted to do. Before last Friday, the man had NEVER done anything for himself. It was always for her. Now, he’s in Phoenix. He called yesterday from the BOB (Bank One Ballpark). He bought a $120 ticket and was 3 rows behind home plate. He sounded like a kid on Christmas. He’s going back tonight.

As for my mother, she thinks I’m going to be her friend in all of this. Riiight. I plan to be very upfront with her and tell her that unless she wants to hear what I think, she shouldn’t bother calling. I ain’t blowing no smoke up her ass. Last summer, I told her what I thought and she didn’t speak to me for months because she was pouting. Whatever. I’m in Raleigh and can’t be bothered.

I’m not the problem with their marriage. They’re the problem with their marriage. If she says she hasn’t been happy n 35 years, that’s not my problem. It’s hers.

Until then, I’ll keep working in my basement. We need to get an electrician in here because I think a pack of blind chimps wired this place. The other day, I hooked up another ceiling fan and after 5 minutes it burst into flames. That was not cool. I screamed like a little girl. Then, we’re getting a contractor to come look at this basement. It’s got potential and may be worth flinging a few bucks at. Until that time, I’ll enjoy my new commute.