Can you beam me somewhere, Mr. Scott?

Here, at long last, and thanks to the most awesomeist thing ever, Google Earth is NoGoodDaddy’s Pictorial Autobiography.

My parents brought me home from the hospital here.

Lodi, NJ. It stands for Land Of Dumb Italians. No, I mean it. Let’s conduct an exercise:
I’m going to say something. You get an image in your head.

Jeresy Girl

See her? She lives in every house in Lodi. It’s a shit hole. It was bad in the mid to late 70′s, but now it’s all but a slum.

So, in the late 70′s my father got transferred here:

Concord, CA. It’s outside San Francisco. We lived there for a little under 3 years. Concord is where I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Amy and she gave me my first kiss. SecretAgentBrother was born in California. Explains a few things.

In March of 1981, we moved back east and landed here:

Basking Ridge, NJ. We bought the house, I believe, for under $150000. Last fall, it was for sale, so we went to the open house (We had one the same day). It was selling for almost $900,000. The pool was not there when we lived thee. It’s also had the back blown out to add a huge kitchen. We lived there from when I was in 1st grade until December of 8th grade. 7 ½ years there.

We moved here because my mother was restless:

Another house in Basking Ridge. This is, by far, the largest house I have ever lived in and will ever live in. Again, the pool was not there when it was ours. This was a big ass house. That piece that sticks out on the far right…a 2-story library. Yup…a huge house. This was my address until I got married. It’s the longest I’ve ever had one address, but I only really lived there for a little under 5 years. Once I left for school, I pretty much left.

I went to high school here:

The Pingry School. Yup…I went to private school. I was surrounded by opulence. That’s the entire campus. The place is huge. The far end of the left wing, under the white rectangle, is where I spent a lot of time…it’s the pool. There, I became Big Fish in a Tiny Pool (pardon the pun), hence inflating my ego. I went there from 7th grade through high school.

After graduating, I took a life guarding job here:

Looks like an estate, yes? It is. At the time, it was a school. Actually, it was the Lower Campus of Gill St. Bernard’s School. I happened to go there for 5th and 6th grades. The pool is in the upper left area of the picture. While working there, I met a VooDoo woman who seduced me. It’s since been bought and converted back into a private house.

She lived here:

They had a pool. We had sex in it.

A little over 4 years after meeting, we went here on September 21, 1996.

We got hitched at Our Lady of the Mountain in Schooley’s Mountain, NJ. On September 22, 1995, we went here.

Disney’s Polynesian Resort. We honeymooned in Disney.

After the trip, we returned here:

JewelrySlut’s apartment became our home. What a raging shit hole this place was. I don’t know how she managed to live there for nearly 4 years. I lasted almost 2. By 1998, we’d decided that we wanted to be poor. So we bought:

Our first house. We lived here for just over 7 years. I lived here longer than at any other address. It wasn’t awesome, but it was home. We brought Shmuppie home to this house. This house may have ensured our future. We sold it and I cried like a baby as I stared into it as we left. There are a lot of memories in that house.

So, we packed up and came here.

We’re the 2nd unit from the left. Shmuppie’s personal toilet is behind us. We’ll be here for all of next year. Then, we’ll decide to be poor again and buy a big house. This place is just fine for now. No bills, no worries. We like it.

Of course, I’d rather be here

“You pick the century and I’ll pick the spot”

I pick this spot.

That’s my life.

Looking back on my background

Before I get into below’s activity, Stolen from PeterPeter, I need to do the following:

I owe WarCryGirl’s an apology. She knows why. I confuse easily and didn’t mean to cause any undo stress to you and the family.

It’s been a rough 24 hours here at the NoGoodHouse.

We moved the living room couch downstairs yesterday. It needed to be flipped and negotiated out the front door. I then had to load it onto the wheel barrow to go down the hill to the back of the house. Then, we had to wrestle it into the basement and into the office. Now that it’s done, there is NOTHING better than attending conference calls while lying on a couch.

I went to get the new one and we wrestled it in the house. It’s quite comfy and it was cheap. We’re happy

To those who have met Shmuppie, I hope you liked her. To those who wanted to, too bad.

We’re killing her today.

To say that potty training is going poorly is like saying the Challenger had problems with its launch. We’re really trying, but she’s smart enough to know what she’s doing.

For example:

Last night, we gave her some juice with dinner. As we were eating, we suggested a potty break. She went and peed. That was good. 10 minutes later, she announced that she needed to pee again. She did. That was good. Then, 5 minutes later, she announced that she needed to poop. This is big news. Getting her to poop on the potty is a big thing. She’s yet to do it. So, JewelrySlut takes her to the bathroom and gets her pants off. Before the diaper can come down, she grunted and shat. Right there next to the toilet. She knew exactly what she was up to. Needless to say, I went insane. I dragged her upstairs, changed her, bathed her and sent her to apologize to Mommy. She’s such a willful little pain in the ass.

We are officially accepting all suggestions. Even if they come from DK or any of my other kid-less readers. Whatever you suggest can not be too outrageous. We need help.

Yesterday, JewelrySlut bought fresh tortillas at the supermarket. They were made with black bean salsa and CUMIN. Holy shit. This AND Google Earth all in one week?

What’s next?
Ok.. On to this thing. As an aside, fuck you to everyone for not including me in your game. I officially hate you all.

10 years ago:
I was starting my senior year at Rutgers. I had no desire to be in school. I was engaged, the date was set, and my fiancé lived 10 minutes away. School was low on my list. I think I took 19 credits that semester and worked like 15 hours a week. I wasn’t exactly doing the whole college thing. I had to be up at or before 6:00 every morning and was living off campus in residential apartment complex with my roommate, Amy. I spent 3 or 4 nights a week at JewelrySlut’s apartment. I knew I had a useless degree coming in May (Exercise Science?!?!?). I didn’t want to go to grad school. I wanted to be done and get married. And, above all else, Rutgers is the worst school on Earth. It’s a fucking pit.

5 years ago:
Oh, this was good times. If when I say good times I mean the worst times ever, then it was good times. Better times were just a week away, but I really didn’t know that yet.

I spent the summer of 2000 in a horrible job and in the middle of a corporate lawsuit. Me and the company I was working for were being sued by my last employer. They claimed I stole secrets and did all kinds of bad things. I was working in printing sales for a Chicago-based company and was horrible at it. I had no support or guidance. Plus, the lawsuit really hindered what I could do and who I could see. Over the course of the summer, I ate up nearly all of our meager savings on legal bills. I was as close to depressed as I think I’ve ever been.

JewelrySlut earned her stripes that summer. She was a rock. I was a quivering mess, prone to fits of sobbing at the drop of a hat. I don’t know how or why she put up with me that summer. But, I thank her all the time for doing so.

However, I was less than a week away from getting a new job. I actually accepted the job while standing in Disney’s Animal Kingdom. We’d had a planned vacation on the books all year. It came at the perfect time. From right after Labor Day on, things got much better. I did eventually have to go testify in Federal Court about the case, but it was a joke. The prosecuting attorney forgot the names of the companies involved. It was a joke.

About 6 months later, the sue-ers went out of business, having spent all their money on the case. The Sue-es folded a year later, having spent all their money on the case.

However, it all led me to Raleigh. If I had to go through it to get here, I guess it was worth it.

1 year ago:
The seeds of our move were not yet planted, but were in their little packet, lying on the counter top. I think neither of us were ready to say it out loud, but we knew our time in NJ was closing. I, as usual, hated my job. The summer, other than the week in St John, had been a horrible mess. We’d been through my parent’s non-divorce and the passing of JewelrySlut’s mother. The trip to St John in Mid-August was a perfect tonic for us. But, at this point, we were back in NJ, getting ready to face the Fall traffic. It turned out to be the final straw.

I don’t know…I woke up, came down here, surfed the internet, moved furniture, ate some food, had conference calls, drank some vodka…a typical day in Raleigh. I’d tell you how much I love it here, but Pimp has threatened to kill me if I do so.

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
Fruit mixed with Rum

5 songs I know all the words to:
The Wino and I Know – Jimmy Buffett
Your Smiling Face – James Taylor (our song..and a bitch to dance to)
Jolly Mon – Jimmy Buffett (Shmuppie’s favorite song)
Most Billy Joel Songs
If I had $1,000,000 – BNL

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
Pay off the debts of us and family (included are immediate family and that of ChurchBomber. She be fambly now)
Buy houses here in NC, near Orlando and on St John. (Can’t live down island. Shmuppie needs to go to a real school)
Buy ChurchBomber and MerlotMan a house on St John…or just make ours so fucking huge that we could all fit with room to spare. I’d invite all you retards down too
Learn to fly and buy the The Hemisphere Dancer
so I can fly all you retards down to St John
Buy a big ass boat so I can sail/motor around the Virgin Islands

5 places ideal for running away to:
St John
Any other place in the Virgin Islands
Nebraska (I get the feeling there’s a lot of space there)
A good book

5 items you’ll never see me wear:
Fishnet stockings
Low-rise jeans
A tank top
A Speedo – spent enough time in one while in Highschool

5 best TV shows:
Family Guy
West Wing
Rescue Me

5 biggest joys in life:

5 favorite toys:
My cheapo digital camera
Fantasy Football (is that a toy?)
Shmuppie – Not like that you pervs. Nothing beats playing with your kid…I said not like that, you pervs

Hope you liked it.

I think I’m going to assemble a scrap book of my life to post, all based on images pulled from Google Earth

I like Google Earth so much that I’ll say it a few times

Google Earth

Google Earth

Google Earth

I took off for a weekend last month

I’m warning all 3 of you. This entry could run long. It’s likely to be boring and un-funny. With that in mind:

We had a fun weekend. I’d say it’s one of the 2 best weekends we’ve had in the past 2 weekends.

Saturday morning started well. Shmuppie let us sleep in. Upon waking, I wandered downstairs to start breakfast. Promises of bacon had the women in my life excited. Nothing gets the 2 of them excited on a Saturday like bacon. Shmuppie would eat bacon for every meal if we let her. I told you the kid was smart.

After breakfast, we went out couch hunting again. We’ve all heard the sad story of our big comfy couch that lives in exile down here in the basement. Well, we still hate the couch that’s upstairs. We’ve been looking for a replacement since we got here. There’s a used furniture place not to far away and they’re always having sales. I know…used furniture… But, they claim to clean it all and I plan to do the same once it gets here. We’d gone a few weeks ago and found something we liked, but it came with a loveseat that we didn’t want. So, we found another one this weekend. With coupons and sales and shit, it was $300. That’s not bad. It’s in pretty good shape and is hella comfy. Even if we only hold onto it for a year and then sell it for $100, we’re still ahead of the game. I get to go pick it up tomorrow. That means that upstairs couch needs to come down here to the office.

After couch shopping, I got gas for my car.

Holy Shit. $34.00! What happened there?! I can fondly recall the days of a $12 tank. And it’s not like I drive a monster truck or anything. It’s a friggin Intrepid. A dorky white dude car. Now for you all to hate me a little more…

I was so shocked because I’d last bought gas on July 30. I made it a month between fill ups. I did some quick ciphering and realized that if we were still in NJ, we’d be spending almost $500/month in gas alone. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. I have no idea how we would have pulled that one off. It’s not like we had an extra $300 lying around the house on a monthly basis. Boy, am I happy we moved.

After showers, we were off to WarCryGirl’s neck of the woods. After buying gas an hour before and calculating the trip mileage, I realized that this trip would cost us almost $15 in gas. I expected to be compensated in the form of a leg hump.

I should have known better from my last visit with her not to trust her directions. For the big lunch, they were mostly like this:

“Take the highway for a while. Turn a few times. Fuck it, we all have cell phones.”

These directions were:
Come off the highway, go left, go to the 4th light and turn left.

Ok, sounds simple.

Only, it was more like:

Get off highway; turn left, drive for days. At the 5th light, turn left. 4th light, 5th light. Who cares when you’re lost on the set of Deliverance?

Oh, it’s not that bad. I’ll just say that we’re happy to be living in the megapolis that is Raleigh and not up in the woods. Her town (she has asked for it to remain anonymous. She’s afraid of stalkers like Peteyboy come by and ask her to lick them where they pee) is cute, but a bit rustic for us.

As we pulled off the highway, we passed by a dusty parking lot. In it was an odd-looking woman in a motorized wheelchair. This was on the side of a main road and the parking lot seemed to be bereft of cars. How this woman got there was beyond us. JewelrySlut did remark that it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.

We got to the Rec Center just in time to be loaded like mules with chips and assorted edibles. The party went well. WCG’s no dummy. She didn’t plan anything. She just let the kids run around in circles throwing things at each other. It went well. We had slabs of cake and too many Doritos. Under 2 hours later, we were done.

We went back to the WarCryEstate afterwards. Under penalty of death, I am sworn to say that her house is immaculate and that Martha Stewart has nothing on the WarCrys.

(I’m OK now, right?)

After meeting Hubby, we went to dinner at the local Foodateria. Buffets are big down here. Us and the buffet, not co much. They’re not big up north. But, Hubby did say that the kids would enjoy it and get stuff that even they would like. He was right, The Cap’n, DJ and Shmuppie all chowed down. The food wasn’t bad. It’ wasn’t good, but wasn’t bad.

We got to discussing tea. The waitress brought me a refill of unsweetened tea. I’m waiting for the day when I order it to be asked in return “What part of NJ are you from?”

Down here, they drink Sweet Tea. If you don’t know what it is, please imagine this:
7 drops of water
2 tea bags
42 pounds of sugar.
Steep, stir, drink, go into sugar shock.

WCG was saying how you can’t sweeten cold tea. This is where I showed my Yankeeness.

While I agree that stirring sugar into cold tea can be problematic, there is an alternative.

Me: Make a simple syrup.
Them: Blank stares
Me: You know. Equal parts of water and sugar (at this instance, I could hear the train in my head derail. I could not get out of this sentence. I’d already started it and would have needed to drop my pants or something to distract the group. I knew it would end poorly and that I’d end up looking like a snotty mcsnootsnoot. But, I’d started and couldn’t stop) heated into a syrup. You add it to drinks and the sugar’s already dissolved
Them: Blank stares
Me: in my head Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid

Another dinnertime observation: there was a room next to where we landed that was filled with black people. Not a single white face in there. I found it odd. It was almost like the restaurant decided to segregate itself. Little things I notice down here.

But, dinner was fun. The WarCryFamily is fun to hand with. As a group, they’re funny. Cap’n and WCG are a pair and Hubby and DJ are another. One talks non-stop, the other quietly puts up with the other 2 and eats. Guess which set is which.

Our waitress was nice. She called me “Shug”
Me: (to JewelrySlut) She’s sweet on me. She called me Shug
JS: She called me Shug too
Me: Maybe we can take her home for a threesome
JS: Sure
Me: I’d probably just let Sir Clarence strangle her like the hookers in the hotel rooms
JS: Once he got a taste for blood…

We said our goodbyes and, as we were leaving, Shmuppie said bye to Hubby and then flashed him. I know they bought us dinner, but I don’t think she needed to show off her chest to Hubby. She’s going to be fun when she’s 15.

I made great time going home. Back in NJ, I never really went over 75. I don’t know why. Probably because it was hard to trust the other drivers. Down here, there’s nobody on the roads. I went between 80 and 85 the whole way home. We made awesome time.

Sunday was awesome. I knew we had a lot to do. In order to get the upstairs couch down here, we needed to clean out the office. When we moved in, shit just got piled wherever it fit. Well, we got all the storage boxes out on the patio and sorted them. We then got them all back into the storage room. There’s only office things in here. Plenty of room for a couch. We were quite pleased.

We followed up the moving and unpacking with showers.

Later on, we put on a Wiggles DVD for Shmuppie and had sex. That was nice.

Then we washed my car.

Then we went to the pool.

Then I made a huge slab of meat for dinner. At some point, I need to tell the love story of me and my grill. It’s quite a story.

Then, we drank wine and went to bed.

All in all, an awesome weekend. We were productive AND had fun.

One more thing.

On Friday, Cory AKA THX 18366 (link broken in the comments) mentioned Google Earth. Holy Jesus Christ Almighty. Words can not describe how Google Earth makes me feel. Go download it and we can discuss it later.

If Google Earth could make potato salad, JewelrySlut would be on the trading block.

The Masai, not the wisemen, are circling my tent

A few things for a Friday:

We ordered JewelrySlut a dick-shaped cake pan the other day. She already has one but it’s at my mother’s house and likely will never make it to NC. Since we got it from Adam and Eve (do your own linking, I’m too fucking lazy), we got porn. I was excited because it had a scene from One Night in Paris on it. I wanted to see how bad it was. Well, dipshit that I am, I got a VHS tape. SHIT! VHS porn sucks. I’m not happy.

We look forward to the pan’s arrival. Worry not, several pictures will be posted. I married a sick woman.

Yesterday, youknowho, shat in her diaper 5 times. She absolutely refuses to go on the potty. I’m going to start cutting off her fingers soon to get her to do it.

Said sick woman just appeared in the office here making a pouty face. The 2 of them have been outside for a while playing in the back yard. I knew they had the tunnels with them (See old entries fro May 5 or so…still not linking). I also know that JewelrySlut can’t disassemble the little tents. So, I had to go outside to do it for her. I tried…again to show her how to collapse the tents. Needless to say, I collapsed all the tents.

I love Radio Margaritaville. As usual, it’s on here in the office. It’s awesome and you’re stupid if you don’t think so.

It’s been lovely here of late. We shut the AC off on Wednesday and it’s still off. It’s been almost chilly at night. We love being able to sleep with the windows open. It’s also nice to not have to deal with feeling cooped up. Also…the basement is a lot cooler these days. All the residual heat from Operation Dry the Flood is gone. I’m not even sweating too much.

By the way, the mail room may be back in scope at this point. But, secret meetings are happening and I’ll be advised on a need to know basis. Nothing like having control of your project.

I have a call later this afternoon with some bigshot at one of the 2 vendors. He’s seen my resume and we’re going to have us a little talk. It would be utterly cool to get a job with them after New Year’s, but still do the same job I do now. I’d also like to be able to stay at home. I like not commuting.

Speaking of which…I put gas in my car on July 30. I have driven 254 miles since then. 100 of those miles were for my sexy lunchtime threesome and 80 of the remaining are accounted for in 2 trips to the airport. Basically, I don’t drive anywhere anymore. We’d be saving a lot of money if we hadn’t turned into raging alcoholics since we got here. I don’t think we’re drinking over $500 more booze than we used to. We’re still coming out ahead.

Have you tried Google maps yet? Do so. It’s awesome and can keep me entertained for hours. Nothing gets me going like a map. I should be on Dora the Explorer or something.

Jesus…I need to bail out before this becomes totally stupid.

Have a nice weekend. I’m hoping to see WCG’s bra tomorrow. I mean, she showed me her underpants on her first date, I should accept nothing less.

With a little love and luck you will get by

Who wants to hear another reason why we love Raleigh?

The other day before the great flood, JewelrySlut sucked a muskrat or something into the vacuum. It got pissed off and started making evil noises and emitting noxious fumes. So, on Monday, I popped it open to look it over. Turns out the shredded the belt. So, I looked up the nearest Oreck dealer. It was on the way to and from the airport so we decided to swing in on the way home from dropping ChurchBomber off. Well, did we ever find something lovely…

The store was in this huge retail complex. There’s got to be every kind of store available in this place. JewelrySlut almost passed out. In a row were a TJ Max, a Pier 1, a Total Wine, a Pier 1 and a Barnes and Noble. She’s not a big shopper, but not even she’s powerless to that kind of retail pull. This place has been hiding there, 15 minutes from the house, since we moved in. We had nothing like that in NJ.

Then, last night, we had to take my car over to the Dodge dealer. I need to get it inspected (the final step in Carolina-izing it), get the oil changed and have them look over some flickering dashboard light. We found the place and also found yet another little slice of retail heaven. There was a huge Kroger there. We’ve been disappointed in the grocery stores here, even stooping so low as to shop at Wal-Mart for groceries. But, I think we just solved our problems. This store is hug and seems to be awesome. It was there the whole time…just waiting to be discovered.

I’m waiting to turn down a new street one day and just see people handing out gold bars and diamonds. I mean, why the fuck not?

So, we went back to the pool yesterday.

Someone didn’t get to watch any TV last night. She’s alive today because of some good timing. We’d been at the pool for a while and were ready to head home. We think that as soon as she got out of the pool, Shmuppie shat. She looked less lumpy as she got out of the water, but was decidedly lumpy in the ass-region about 11 seconds later. I was ready to kill her. She escaped with her life because she didn’t actually shit in the pool. She got off on a technicality.

I decided that if you’re a parent and don’t think at least once a day that you want to strangle your kids; you’re a big fat liar. You may love them to death and would face down a pack of angry boars to keep them safe, but, at least once a day, you want to kill them.

Let’s talk about work and why it gives me hives.

So, we all know about the project I’m on…phasing out the printing that we do in-house and farming it out to a vendor.

After my last trip last week, I got a call from one of the vendors asking for the specs on the equipment in our mail room. I told him that I was 99% sure that the mail room was not part of the project but I would check and get back to him. This was Thursday AM.

I emailed the big bosses and they told me that I was wrong and the mail room was in scope. This was late Thursday.

I emailed the vendor back and told him I was mistaken and would get him the information. I was pissed. I’d been told the opposite back in July and had tailored the vendor visits around this information. Now, we were 2 weeks from the end of the assessment and I needed to get the teams back to NJ to show them the mail operation.

At 10:00AM on Tuesday morning, I was in on the weekly project meeting. I mentioned the flip-flop on the ail room and why I thought that putting it in scope was a bad idea. There were too many other people and departments that would be negatively affected. They took it out of scope.

At 11:00 AM on Tuesday, I got an email from one of the Powers That Be that we should put it back in scope.

I emailed RedHeadedGreasyDump about all this and she promised to talk to MiniVP about this but that I should go ahead assuming that it was in the project.

Since I’m not an idiot, I did nothing about it because…

Yesterday afternoon, MiniVP got back to her that the mail room was out of scope.

So, in less that a week, we went from out to in to out to in to out.

And they wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time. This is the stupidest organization I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if I’m cut out for corporate America. I really like small companies much better.

Continuing on this roller coaster ride of an entry…

Wouldn’t say that I’m having trouble adjusting to having JewelrySlut home all day, but it is odd. At least once a day, I see something in the house that I don’t recognize or find myself having to ask where something is. Back in the old days, we did all the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning and whatever else was needed together. Now, that’s “her job”. Laundry just happens around here. I never see it get done. Same thing for cleaning and grocery shopping. It’s very odd. I sometimes feel disconnected from what’s going on. I guess it’s because we had to share all the duties back in NJ because we had no time to do things any other way. Weekends were a blur of chores and cleaning. They’re still a blur but my friends Mr.’s Rum and Vodka have a lot more to do with that. Am I the only person on Earth who would complain about not having to clean toilets? I may be. It’s odd. But I like it.

We’re off to WarCryGirl’s house on Saturday. Capt Destructo is turning 4 and we’re invited to the shindig. Or, is it a hoe down? I don’t know. What I do know is that I intend to play up my Yankeeness to the hilt. I intend to bring my gnomes. I intend to take pictures. I intend to be delighted by the whole scene. Don’t worry, babe, I won’t necessarily be making fun of YOU, but more of everything about you. See the difference. It should be fun. Except for, as I’ve mentioned, the whole thing about JewelrySlut and WCG maybe getting along too well. I’m praying that JewelrySlut gets to see some signs for South of the Border. She was pissed not to see any on the tip here. She’s looking forward to seeing the signs this weekend.

2 ½ weeks until Myrtle Beach. I’m not sure I “deserve” a vacation, but I’m taking one anyway. And, the computer, beeper and cell phone are ALL staying home. I shall be incommunicado. That’s how I vacation. Nothing I do is so important that I can’t go away for 3 days. I hate people who work while on vacation. I think the people who are attached to their cell phones while on the beach are insecure. They figure that if they actually let someone in on what they actually do every day, it would be very evident that they’re wholly expendable. Just my 2 cents.

For some reason, I thought I had more to say. I’ll be damned if I can remember what the fuck it was.