No plane on Sunday

Sometimes I feel that if I post nothing, like 2 people will be sad. But then, if I mail it in like I’m doing here, like maybe 3 people will be sad. See my dilemma?

Here’s why I have nothing to say. This is my life:

2 hour flight delay going to EWR

2 hour flight delay coming home

I’m hella stoked because I won all 3 of my fantasy football games last weekend. I’m 2-1 in 2 leagues and 1-2 in the other. I need to pick it up in the last league…especially when you consider that the 2 losses are to SecretAgentBrother and JewelrySlut. Not good.

Back to NJ on Sunday night

Potty training rolls on. The chart seems to be working. Shmuppie was stalled at 3 stickers for a while and is now up to 8 or 9 and not having many accidents. 2 poopies yesterday! That’s exciting.

My mother is still insane

Big baseball weekend. Sunday’s going to be rough because the Yankees/Sawks game is not on anything I can watch. Drat.

The project at work continues to roll towards completion. I have now started shamelessly using it as a career stepping stone. If I don’t come out of this thing with a job from either vendor or a new one at HealthcareRelatedCompany, I deserve to be anally raped by an angry rhino.

Speaking of sex, got the latest shipment. I’ve decided to hold on to the porn for now because it occurred to us that I’d given all of ours away and had very little to show for it. Just a few CDs of music that I hate. So, I’m keeping the porn this time.

We do have one of these available:

That’s not exactly it, but it’s close enough to convey the message. This one has cute little lips. I keep going to JewelrySlut and saying “Give me some sugah” and having it kiss her. Then Shmuppie grabs it and runs off using it as a microphone. She sings into it.

Yup…parents of the year. So, if you’d like it, send me some swag that I can actually use.

What else…?

It’s cooling off here as fall arrives. Lordy lord, it sure is nice here now that it’s below 100 degrees outside. And…no leaves to rake this year!

Finished Wolves of the Calla. I was disappointed only because I think Stephen King knows that us Constant Readers are clamoring to see how this t ale ends. It’s like he said to himself “Self! I can really fuck with them now. Let’s write myself into one of my stories, thus creating a paradox of fiction vs reality that will really piss them all off”. Thanks, dude…just what I needed. Go get hit by another truck.

The library.


They let you check out books for free. I’m all about the books.

Did I mention that we joined our local YMCA? Now if I were ever at home for consecutive days, I could go avail myself of the many services it offers. Goodbye flabby gut. Hello, Mr. Sexypants. Who am I kidding? I’m a balding 31 year old.

Oh, this was fun. I’m down here yesterday working and I was getting pissed. I couldn’t see the computer screen. Over to the right side of my field of vision was a crescent-shaped shimmering thing. Like looking at a highway mirage. It wouldn’t go away. Turns out it was Stage 1 of a migraine. Fun. I took some Excedrins and lay down. Fortunately it went away before the whole puking thing and the pain started. I spent most of the rest of the day feeling hung-over.

Go to Trip Advisor (link at left). Go to Mahwah, NJ and click on the Doubletree hotel. Read my review. I found it amusing. You? You all should use that site before you book any kind of travel. It’s a wonderful thing.

And, to finally wrap up this disaster, we’re almost fully booked for our USVI vacation. We now have tickets there and are booked on the way home as far as Atlanta. The ATL – RDU flight hadn’t opened up as of last night, so we’re waitlisted for the return flight. If it doesn’t open in the next 2 weeks, we may be walking home from ATL. That might suck donkey balls just a wee bit.

Well…gotta go put my plan together for Monday’s mayhem. I intend to cause a ruckus and a half in our vendor decision meetings. Corporate has stacked this thing against one vendor; essentially giving them no chance. Only thing is that the vendor with no chance is by far and away the better vendor for this project. And, when you’re awarding over $350million in contracts, you’d like to base it on whether or not they can do the job, not on how much payola they provide.


Let those winds of time roll over my head

8:30: Something about towers and silos. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m nearly asleep and not in the mood to be doing this all day. By 3:00 I should be in great shape. I have to sit here and look awake until 10:30 and then the room is mine. In the meanwhile, I need to look attentive.

9:15: LOOK! A slide with a big lime green box on it. Just seeing that much color on such a large screen was enough to momentarily jolt me awake. Don’t you just love when you’re in a big conference room-type meeting and one ass monkey just keeps pounding away with very specific questions that don’t fucking matter? Not that anyone here is doing that…

9:25: One more hour until my turn. I’m in Tower 2 or Bucket 2, depending on who you ask. I think I’d rather be in a tower. Speaking of Towers, I just started Stephen King’s Wolves of the Calla, another book in the Dark Tower Series. It’s good so far, but it strikes me that he’s trying to force the reader to have read the other books a few times so all the tiny little references could be noticed. It’s vaguely annoying. But, having invested parts of the past 13 years in these books, I need to press on. Thank God that truck didn’t kill him a few years back. I, and many other readers like me, would have been hella pissed.

11:00: Show time for the NoGoodDaddy. This project had been eye opening for me. Anyone out there in readerland who’s, I’d guess, over age 30 may be able to understand this. Back in July, I took over a meeting here in a room full of “grownups”. They listened to me. They listened to me because I knew what I was talking about. Anyone else ever find themselves in this place? You know who you are (in my case, a farting, balding, pooping, drunk who likes Hawaiian shirts and Jimmy Buffett), and you can’t believe that real grownups will listen to you. Then, it hits you…and it hits you really hard. YOU are an adult. YOU are a grownup. People who are older than you listen to you because they have put you in charge of something important. It’s scary.

1:10: I’m done and I think I kicked serious ass. Between the internal people who liked the work I did to get to today’s meetings and the vendor team who, I believe, is clamoring to hire me, I’m doing well. I was sitting with my boss here and she looked at me after I finished and said “You’re going to end up working for them, aren’t you?” Yup. I guess I’m a grownup and people expect more from me that run on sentences and fart jokes.

On a side note…and I keep forgetting to mention this…we get the Sunday New York Times. I’m not fully sure why. I guess I wanted to hold on to my NY-metro roots even after we moved. So, we get it and spend the morning poring over it. All I have to say is that it must be rough to be a Times reader. It’s got to be tough to be always on the edge of everything that the Times has decided is awesome. And, Jesus hopping Christ is that paper and its reader list on the left side of the ledger. Holy shit. The readers are out of control. In the magazine, they have an Ethics column. People write in their latest ethical dilemma.

Last week had a woman who didn’t know the ethical way to figure out the following “I like one type of music and my kid likes another. How do we decide who controls the radio in the car? Kid says that she should have more than 50% of the share because I often use the car by myself.”

What? 1: Who gives a fuck? B: What?

That’s what I mean

Speaking of New York…my flight last night was supposed to have been a 7:55PM flight. In the end, as usual, I was delayed. We left RDU at almost 10:00. We landed at a little after 11:00. Anyhoo, they brought us up from the South but we landed from the North. I hate that approach because it adds almost 20 minutes to your flight. However, if you approach that way, and you’re on the left side of the plane, you come in nice and low over the NJ Turnpike with the NYC skyline right outside your window.

I don’t know if it was that I was tired or if I haven’t paid attention on approach lately, or if I haven’t landed at night in a while, but, shit…I love that city. If we ever talk and I refer to “the city”, it’s New York. I could be living in Spain and would say “the city” and mean New York. It, in my opinion, is the ONLY city. We came in and I had a view of the GWB…down through Harlem to Midtown. All the lights were on. We got south and saw downtown. This is an awfully silly thing to say, but I can not tell you how much I wish the Twin Towers were still there. My heart aches each time I see the skyline. I almost cried last night. In my life, I worked in NYC for all of 6 weeks. I never lived there or went to school there. It was just “my city”. And, a part of it was ripped out. I can’t even say what about it is that I miss. Is it the shame and tragedy of the loss of life? Is it the alteration to my skyline? Is it the end of innocence? I don’t know and can’t say. All I know is that I wish like I wish for nothing else that the attacks had never happened. It got me thinking…I have not been in NYC for fun since May 4, 2002…the day before Shmuppie was born. I think I’ve been in Manhattan once since then for work. Still, I know that I can go back and the city will welcome me back. My favorite restaurants are still there. The shops I love are there. When we decided to move to NC, leaving NYC was probably the biggest issue. We never went, but always knew it was there. We knew that when we went to NC, we’d lose that. Raleigh is not a city. It’s a bunch of streets. NYC is a city. I don’t know when the next time I’ll be in NYC. But, then, I’ll be a tourist. It may sound stupid, but if you’re from NY or NJ, I think you’re nodding along with me.

Of course, then I got off the plane and got on the monorail in the wrong fucking direction. I’m a danger to myself.

By the way, Shmuppie’s not potty trained yet. We did Pimp’s chart and nothing has happened yet…outside of a trail of piss on the carpets. Shmuppie knows that if she does well, she gets a sticker and that more stickers mean good stuff. She also knows that when she shits herself, she loses a sticker. We can’t get past the 3rd sticker. JewelrySlut is ready to kill herself. To say this is frustrating is an understatement.

Did I mention that we got our plane tickets for the trip to St John booked? We got them. It took me ½ hour on the phone, but I finally got them. We’re arriving a little later than I wanted (3:30 vs 1:30) but, I’ll be on island time so who cares? At this time, I’ve moved on to the phase of the planning where I try to find ways to spend money. We may take a sail around the island or to the BVI. Or…we may hop a seaplane to St Croix for the day. Before I die, I will take a seaplane out of Charlotte Amaile’s harbor. I can’t imagine how amazing that will be. I blame Jimmy.

And lastly…we joined our local YMCA this past weekend. It looks cool. It will do a few things. It will force us to exercise and it will help Shmuppie and us meet people. I’m flabby as hell and would like to get in better shape. I’ll be waking up earlier and heading to the pool. I hate “static exercising”. Getting back in the pool will be more fun and challenging. I’ll never be as study as I was when I was 17 but I’m going to make a run at it. I used to make JewelrySlut really wet. I’d like to see if I can do it again simply based on how I look, not based on my mad tongue skills.

Try a little love and luck and you’ll get by

9 years ago this morning, I woke up and puked. This morning, I managed to hold it in and simply got dressed.

Happy Anniversary, babe. I love you a whole lot of bunches and would never consider going through life with anyone else.

OK…have your fun wit that, you cretins.

We’re back home in lovely NC. Myrtle was fun. The hotel was right on the beach and we all managed to have a good time without killing each other. It was our first full-fledged family vacation and we passed our tests. Shmuppie’s still alive…albeit while shitting and pissing herself again. She fell off the wagon a wee bit this past week. She took a shine to wallowing in the sand for a while and then dropping a deuce. I must commend my lovely wife. She managed to change shitty diapers on the beach whilst in a tempest of wind and sand. Kudos to her.

I am so cheap it’s no longer funny. I can’t believe how little money we spent on this trip. It likely has something to with the fact that we at 1 meal per day. We’re all funny that way and it worked to our financial advantage. We decided that if we went to eat each day for a late lunch/early dinner, we could avoid any crowds and allow Shmuppie to take her time and actually eat. It worked. We did, however, manage to throw too much money towards Jimmy and his MegaCorporation. We ate at a Cheeseburger in Paradise Grill and a Margaritaville Café. We also did some damage in the Margaritaville store.

Quick reviews:
CBIP: Better than expected
Margaritaville: Not impressed at all

But, the beach was fun. Myrtle disappointed in one sense. As a result, we’re bound to go back. See, it was way less hideous than we’d expected. Sure, it was hideous in parts, but not as bad as expected. I’m sure that going out of season had a lot to do with it. We really liked it, despite the tackiness and overwhelming number of shitty shops that sell little blankets with smiling kitty cats on them. Who buys that shit? There weren’t even too many rednecks and yokels there. There were a lot of people from up in NJ and from Ohio. Why, if you live in NJ (a state with 120 or so miles of coastline) would you choose to drive 700 miles to another state’s beaches? I’m just asking as all…

The weather was great. We drive through the hurricane’s outer bands on the way down, but had nothing but sun while down there. I’m sunburned and I look like a tiger. Because I’m getting fat, I got striped sunburn on my fleshy underbelly. I guess where it decides to roll stayed out of the sun. It’s quite amusing. If I didn’t think it would blind you all, I’d take a picture.

We also got to see South of the Border. Wow. That was so bad and awful that it actually disappointed. It was not at all awful in a good way. It was awful in a depressing and smelly way. It was empty and just had an odor that resembled Pine Sol mixed with piss. Not good. We did enjoy the signs though. They make the drive pass quicker.

So, now I’m back here and have to board a plane on Sunday night to go back to NJ. I’ll be up there until Tuesday night. 2 days of fun in the Garden State. I can hardly wait. I have to go meet with our takeover vendors to ask them what the fuck their proposals meant. Never in my live have I seen so much paper used to say so little. It seems that both of them just ignored everything I gave them and said and just did whatever the hell they wanted. I asked in a meeting yesterday what happens if neither vendor proposes a working solution and was told that the print operation may just be dropped from the whole corporate-wide thing. Wha? That would be fun. I have visions of me standing in our print room at 12:01AM on January 1, 2006, having to run machines. That would be bad. The trip should be a hoot. I’m staying in a different hotel. I hope they provide complimentary hookers.

I have to stay up late tomorrow. I’m not prepared to do so, but it’s for a good cause. I need to be on the phone with Delta at the stroke of midnight so I can book our flight for next summer to St Thomas. Yup…we’re headed back to St John. Since the hot flights book immediately when you’re cashing in points, I need to call as soon as I can. So, Friday is exactly 330 days from our departure date. Then, I get to book the house and start obsessing about the St John trip. That’s good because if I’m not obsessing about a vacation, I’m not right. I’ll have to start watching fares for ChurchBomber and MerlotMan so I can get them a good price. We also have to figure out what we’re doing with Shmuppie. She’s not going with us. This is one last adults only vacation. JewelrySlut is hoping to woo me into impregnating her on the trip, so we need our privacy and such. Really, we just don’t want to be bothered with a kid down there. They can be a bit buzzkillish from time to time.

So, I missed my last porn offer so nobody gets the nudie playing cards. But, I have a new offer:

We have a XXX Sexual Feast containing all sorts of sexy sexiness.
We have something called the Strawberry Lips Masturbator
We have Strawberry Lube

Who’s in?

Well, I should probably get back to work soon. I hear noises from upstairs so I guess the family is awake. I’d love to say that I have something special planned for tonight, but we’re probably just going to our Mexican restaurant. No babysitter makes it difficult to go out anyplace nice. Eventually we’ll find someone responsible enough.

Until then, I just want one more opportunity to stand on a hill, or burm or other elevated land mass and tell the world how much I love my wife and how much life and everything would utterly suck had fate not brought us together.

I love my girl.

There’s whitecaps on the ocean and I’m watching for waterspouts

Jimmy calls it BSE. That’s short for Baby Support Equipment. Essentially, it’s the extra 4 tons of shit that you need any time you travel.

Here’s what I already have in the car. Also, please note that we’re going away for all of 4, maybe 5 nights.

In the cargo area:

3 beach chairs

1 beach umbrella

1 big beach bag containing a beach blanket and 3 towels

1 stroller. We’re taking the 3-wheeled jogging stroller.

The bag of clothes. We don’t have laundry available, so we had to pack a bunch of outfits for youknowwho. We’re using our big ass duffel bag for this trip. This is the bag that airlines hate. They always put the big “HEAVY” tags on it

1 clothes basket: It contains assorted toys and books for Shmuppie. It also contains Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit for the 2 of us to play at night…assuming we’re not drunk

1 cooler: We’re staying in a 2 BR suite with kitchen…so we’re packing for it. The cooler will contain assorted juices, wine, rum, coke, cheese, crackers, brownies, banana bread, cheerios, goldfish crackers mac and cheese mix, yogurt, fruit and whatever else we can cram into it.

The portable DVD player bag

Then the 3 of us have to somehow fit into the car. We also have cameras, CDs and, of course, Sir Clarence.

All this shit for 4 or 5 days.

I never said we pack lightly.

Does anyone find this as amusing as I do?

JewelrySlut got it in one of those ValPak coupon things and just left it out for me. She didn’t need to say why.

Thrust alignment? I think I needed one of those once. I wasn’t aligned and we know what that leads to.

Surprise Buttsex.

Watch for me on the weather channel.

It’s time to close the shutters. It’s time to go inside

We decided to stay home for tonight. With Ophelia bearing down on Myrtle Beach, we decided to wait it out here and see how things progress. By tomorrow night, it should have passed and we can get on with our little trip.

So, I have another porno sweepstakes cumming up (get it? Get it? Wink wink)

We got yet another Adam and Eve catalog today. We actually need one because we need to do some stocking up in the colorful condom department. As usual, free offers abound.

As usual, with me, nothing is free…tell me what I get and I’ll decide who wins.

Remember, last time, Nightmare won a VHS of porn and a Buffett CD in exchange for a Buffett CD and a Hawaiian shirt. Maeny got a porno flip book and 2 CDs in exchange for old Iraqi currency with Saddam’s picture on it.

Here’s one for a lucky winner:

A DVD including:
10 “Position Impossible” Videos
10 “All Girl Grope Time” Videos
10 “Out-N-About” Videos
10 “Colorful couples” Videos
10 “Natural & Naughty” Videos

Look at that, folks, 50 scenes of varied sexual activities. It’s apparently a 3 ½ hour sexual melting pot.

Who’s offering what?

There’s also a 2nd gift, but JewelrySlut really wants to keep it. I did mention that it could end up fetching a pretty penny among my sicko internet friends.

I quote: “XXX playing cards with sexy girls in all wet lesbian pussy action. A $9.95 value – FREE WHEN YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT 5 DAYS!

Folks, we’re not just talking about wet action. And, no, it’s not lesbian action. And, no again, it’s not pussy action. Folks, right here, I have wet lesbian pussy action. (Please read this in your best Don West voice (Holy shit, that is one funny as hell website. I’ll wait while you all go look at it, and I mean you, Pimp)).

Anyhoo…it’s going to take a lot to pry those cards out of my hands. What do you have to offer for them?

So, that Don West site is cracking me the fuck up. I have to go laugh at it some more.

Bye for now.