Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun

I have to write something. It’s my D-Land birthday for God’s sake.

But what to say?

Other than the fact that my feet are cold and the house is eerily quiet (my ladies are in FLA) there’s not too much to say.

Let’s make this a totally unoriginal retrospective:

Here is where I came up with the not so clever idea to name entries after Buffett lyrics. Trust me; this is not always as easy as it sounds. You should see some of the googling I have to do in order to find a lyric that has run away from me that happens to reference pancakes and fly swatters.

This one tells of my very first in-person internet encounter. I’d love to say it involved heavy petting or back door action, but it instead involved me meeting a grown man and his kids on a boardwalk and talking abut fish. Meeting HisPimpNess was a trip. And, little did I know what was to come. The meeting also signified that I had more than 2 readers out there and that maybe…just maybe, someone loved me.

Drunk Entry. Good times.

First comment from Down Under. At the time, this was the coolest thing ever to happen to me.

Sweetness

Not Sweetness

#1 most viewed page and I have the Intrepid Mr. Dangerspouse to thank. What a manlyman he is.

Then, if you go to mid-June, you can see the Moving Chronicles. What a mess this all was. It was worth it though.

I met up with Wombat and WarCryGirl at some point. I don’t know if I wrote about it. I can’t find an entry. But we had a 3-some at an Applebee’s and then I saw WCG’s panties.

FLOOD! For all that the flood sucked, we got a new basement out of the deal. That’s sweet. But still, sewage = bad.

Knee Porn

Love, Exciting and New (or old and short).

That’s it. I’ve been dull lately.

But, it’s been fun. Heck, I met people who I’d only known over the internet. That was both scary and fun. It involved less lube that I’d have expected.

I actually like some of the people here and would consider allowing them in my house. I won’t say who because if I miss anyone, they’ll be all bitchy and assholey. I don’t need that.

You know who you are.

Or do you?

I hope in year 2 I can remember how to do linking without needing a cheat sheet. I also hope to make a more funner template.

Thanks guys. I’ve had a lot of fun with this and you all have made it more funner.

I think I’ve got cabin fever

I’ve been busy lately. I’m sorry.

I can’t say what I’ve been busy doing (not because I’m trying to take over control of a local port or anything). I come down here before 8:00 and end up working until nearly 6. Still, I don’t know what I’m doing all day. I seem to be on a lot of conference calls. I do a lot of searching for answers to any number of problems that arise when you try to shut down a production site. I really am just dazed.

Plus, there’s usually curling on TV. Curling wins every time. Last night, I was watching the Women’s Gold medal match and was A: Excited that they went to an extra end, and B: Yelling at Anette Nordberg to draw it into the button instead of throwing heavy weight and getting the double. Of course, she got the double and the associated Gold Medal. Once again, it proves that I’m an idiot. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t you? You know you do.

Speaking of You, I fully expect participation in the upcoming NoGoodDaddy March Madness Spectacle that I will be planning. I see you as my stiffest competition. As a side note, I expect everyone to compete. I don’t care if you’re a girl who doesn’t know what a basketball is, or if you’re a HOAR, or, for that matter, if you’re just Batshit Crazy. Hell, even if you hail from a Land Down Under, you’re signing up. No Feygs allowed though. I have some standards.

Since I know Meany’s going to be jealous without any hot link action, there you go. Happy now? (That sounds icky…like a sexual thing involving a breakfast sausage)

Back to work. It’s still strange. But, I did find out yesterday from FinanceGuy that he has my salary on the books until the end of September. So, as I see it, they’re either going to extend me OR just pay me for 3 extra months. Either is OK with me.

However, I have a lead on a job. I think I’d be a good fit for it. It’s a production manager position for a local printing company. It sounds like it could be a good opportunity. I’d want to learn more in a face to face though. I had a call with the recruiter the other day and I think it went well. I’m a little inexperienced for some aspects of the job, but very qualified for others. I think it could be a good fit. If nothing else, it could be a bargaining chip with HealthCareRelatedCompany. RedHeadedMoron is being just that. I don’t think she thinks I’ll go anywhere; that I’ll just linger and take my pending unemployment. Ok, toots, give that a try.

There’s some Skating with the Champions thing coming to Raleigh in the spring. I may go just to make a sign that says “Johnny Weir is Gay”. It’s funny in its understatedness.

I thank DeadSpin for This eeeeewwwww

I’m sending the girls to FLA next week to see Gramps. It looks like they’ll have good weather. But I’ll be home all by my lonesome. So if anyone wants to come hang out and make sure the litter box stays clean, let me know.

Oh, we’re headed back to Myrtle Beach for a few days next month. I need a few days off before April hits. I’ll be no the road a lot I think and would like a few days of relaxation. I wanted to go somewhere more stupendous, but can’t rationalize spending the money. So, we’ll go back to Myrtle and bring a lot more booze this time. I get stupendous in August when we go back to St John.

I’ve been noticing something lately. Know the White oval stickers that people have on their cars? Yea..so I’ve seen some very strange ones lately. I can’t say they’re stupid. JewelrySlut has 2 (a BNL and a STJ) and I have one that looks like this:


You win a prize if you know what it is. But some people have really strange ones. I should make a list.

I should also have a point when I start a new paragraph.

That was painful.

Well, I must go now. I have a few decent entries started and saved here and there, but they require work to stop them from becoming the swill that this one became.

And, I have a 1 year anniversary coming up so I have t plan that out. I intent to pay tribute to the awesomeness that is me.

And that’s the key to my man

Not much to say lately. I’m just hoping that this post does not require hours of edits by moi as I go and fix all the dopey things Dland does to my punctuation marks. His Awesomeness gave me some hints on how to correct, so we’ll see if he’s full of shit or not.

I’m home for a while so I’m happy about that. We did a lot of nailing this weekend. That, also, was good.

Otherwise, life is dull. I can’t say I missed the snow up in NJ. I rather enjoyed, instead, playing out back last night with Shmuppie while I grilled up dinner. We didn’t even have jackets on! It’s supposed to be in the 70′s here later this week. Now, if I could only find a job down here and not have to suckle from the HealthCareRelatedCompany teat any more. I’ll use them until I find something and then screw the hell out of them.

I don’t understand many things. Like this:

When one goes to the Y, you go downstairs and hand the person at the desk your card. In exchange, you get a sweat towel and a locker key. Seems simple, right? Nope. Apparently, and I’m yet to figure it out, there’s some Byzantine ritual that determines who gets what key. Yesterday, I plopped my card down and waited…and waited… The woman, staring at the nearly empty rack of keys (It was 1:00PM on a Tuesday after all) asked me if I had a preference. I said “Oh…how about in the men’s locker room?” Failing to see my humor, she continued to stare. Finally, I got number 114 or something. Why I didn’t get any of the other million keys is beyond me. I don’t get it. Did I somehow exude a certain 114ness? JewelrySlut’s been asked the same thing before also. But, she’s also seen people piss and moan about their locker assignment. I don’t get it. It’s a fucking locker. They’re all alike. Of course, these are probably the same people who circle the parking lot looking for a spot closest to the door. Um…we’re going to work out, aren’t we? Would 17 extra steps kill you?

I don’t know. People baffle me.

I didn’t get JewelrySlut anything for Valentine’s Day. She was not shocked. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I did. She got a card, but that was it. Am I a bad husband? It was her birthday last week, so I usually make up an excuse of not being able to handle the stress of it all at once, but really, I’m a heartless asshole. I DID, however, send flowers last week while I was away. And, I had bought her a Bouble CD and a Scrubs DVD set as a little gift. I promised her a day at a spa thing, but need to find on e that doesn’t look overly pretentious or run by rednecks. I’m sure that if I got off my ass and actually looked instead of talking about looking, she’d have an appointment. What can I say?

I may be getting sick. Not good for JewelrySlut. Not good at all.

UConn lost the other night. Normally, that would have made me sad, but they were due for a loss. Villanova did a good job running them ragged. I’ll be upset if they fail to make adjustments before their next game. Until then, I’m pleased. (Did anyone but Smed give half a shit about that?) I’m telling you all. They’re winning the title this year. OK…maybe not. Just beat Duke along the way and I won’t care what happens after that. I hate Duke.

A lot.

I think I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll eat. Then again, I need to lose a few pounds so maybe I won’t.

I know what I will do. End all of your misery by punching out.

Twenty degrees and the hockey game’s on

Good Evening and welcome to Casa NoGood where we’re watching the Opening Ceremonies to whatever the hell Olympiad this one is.

Since my hero, Simmons, has made the commentary/diary of a large television event a staple, I figured I’d rip it off.

I promise nothing. I have a good feeling this is NOT going to be funny at all. But, that’s why we all stop to watch train wrecks.

8:09: If it’s not Mary Carrillo’s hair scaring me to death, it’s Michelle Kwan’s teeth. Bitch, get those things fixed for the love of Christ. Fucking fix those choppers. And, as an aside, figure skating is NOT a sport. If it’s judged, it’s not a real sport. Michelle Kwan should be home getting beaten by her father right now, not on my TV.

8:20: According to Darren Rahlves, the “snow is insane” on the training run. According to JewelrySlut, it’s “Fucking crazy”. I know not what either means.

8:25: No more skiing practice. We’re watching The Office now. You Two HOARS need to settle down, mop your nether regions and stop panting.

8:53: Say what you will about The Office (especially if you’re a whiny bitch who compares it to the UK version) but that shit is funny.

Also…spoke to Meany today. I don’t like her voice. OK…it’s not that bad, but I didn’t think it matched her online personality. I don’t know what she was supposed to sound like (not Alvin and the Chipmunks or anything) but not what it sounds like. I even said Fuck twice while we spoke. Oh yea, I said fuck. My quote was “When you talk to her, tell WCG to shut the fuck up”. I don’t know why I said that, probably because I was in the Philadelphia area. I fucking hate Philadelphia. I’ll get to my plane trip later on, but cataclysmic fucking fuck up come to mind when I think of it. I was kinda supposed to meet Meany and WCG tonight or something, but, especially after my flight, I kinda begged off. No offense, ladies, I like one of you, but I want to be ball deep later on tonight, not entertaining you clowns.

Whoa…that was a bit much, especially since the recipient of said sexual dissatisfaction is looking over my shoulder as I type.

Hello?
Hello?

Am I posting this?

As David Gregory would say to Imus, “We should have this conversation on the air next time” (OK…so that was a joke for the 2 of us. Go to hell the rest of you. OK…that was SOOOOO unnecessary…someone named NoGoodDaddy needs to avoid US Air for a while)

9:03 Ford or someone is sponsoring Paralympics Superheroes. Oh God am I ever going to hell. Imagine…tards in chairs…with capes…fighting what? Drool?

Well…we’re underway and some Russian Wop in an outfit straight out of Return of the Jedi is making flames shoot into the sky that are (according to my cohort) “Absolutely penile-looking”. As she said “I could say phallic, but I prefer Penile”

I need another drink.

Go get me one.

Look over here, you slut. Get me a drink NOW! I mean it. Get me a refill.

Sweet…it worked.

Leave it to us Eye-talians to, in the words of the immortal Bob Costas, “Form a beating heart. Obviously, the universal symbol of passion.” Funny, I thought that was a wet twat.

9:10: When I host the Olympics, summer OR winter, the opening ceremonies will go thusly:

Athletes walk in
I pick two at random (I will be dressed as Chairman Kaga while I do this)
They fight to the death in the middle of the stadium.
Citius Altius Fortius my ass. I want blood and death. (Why do I know the Olympic little phraseology there…because Norwegian asks it on every cruise as a part of Sports Trivia. Ask me what a Stimpmeter does. I know. ASK ME I SAID!)

Since I’m not hosting the Olympics, we have people dressed as cows ice skating. And trees…also skating. As we know, “1/3 of the country is associated with the mountains”. Thanks, Bobbo. What that has to do with Wops dressed up as cows are way beyond me.

9:16: “This is one of several protocol portions of the Opening Ceremonies” (According to Bob) “28 Spaghetti Benders?! And they’re outfitted by Giorgio Armani?” says the scribe to my left.

9:22: Ok…I hate US Air. The plane on Monday was filthy. It had ripped seats and sucked balls. To make matters worth, it was taking me to PHL. I hate PHL. It sucks. Today was worse. I made sure to arrive seriously early because PHL is known for long lines. I was forced to wait for roughly ever to get through security. Don’t get me wrong, I’m for the checks, but open the lines up. You can’t have only 2 lines open when you have 5 stations. It’s not cool at all. So, having gotten through security, I got to my gate and hung out. When it came time to board my group (#4), I sat back waiting for the line to subside. As I was about to hand off my boarding pass and go down the ramp to the jet way, they called group 5. I swear to Christ, 20 people so budged. They cut the line! 20 grown adults, many of them business people, pushed me out of the way. TO WHAT END? TO WAIT ON ANOTHER LINE. I loudly said “Go ahead and push…we’re all on line still”

JewelrySlut is mad because I’m ranting about US Air and not the spectacle that is the Ceremonies. More to come.

9:29…are you watching the ceremonies? Ok…so the part where they formed a ski jumper…sp at the end, they shoot things…we were hoping for T-shirts…like when Maude Flanders died.

Some Olympian man/boy is a dead ringer for Molly Ringwold. Look for him. I can’t tell you what he does, but I’d wager it involves ice or snow.

So, I, JewelrySlut, am taking over the keyboard. I’m supposed to say now “That’s right, bitches, I’m taking over the keyboard”

9:33…what the fuck is this? Cirque de Soleil meets Willy Wonka me thinks. Even Costas is speechless. Honestly, who gives a crap about this artsy fartsy shit? Just bring in the ath-a-letes already.

9:36…please welcome the ath-a-letes…Yay! The ath-a-letes! Albania, Albania, you border on the Adriatic. Athens apparently got residual benefits from hosting the Olympics, according to Bobbo. Is that like a friend with benefits? Are those boys playing leapfrog? (Greece just walked in or something) Have you ever noticed how fucking excited the announcer is? And why are we playing a medley of 70s music? All of the dresses of the placard bearers are apparently designed by a mosquito. What?

Australia in the hizzle…HOLLA!!!!
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! OY! OY! OY!

And apparently Austria will survive, just like Gloria Gaynor, but will they lay down and die? Only time will tell.

May I just add that I’m being edited by the almost totally drunk NGD…not cool. Not only is he never around, but when he is, he doesn’t satisfy me (I was told to write that, by the way).

9:43…Bermuda has one athlete and I’m curious to see if he’s wearing shorts. Aren’t we all Bob Costas? Aren’t we all?

9:45: Canada’s coming soon. Remind me to tell you all how much I hate Canadians. And< I know I have a few red dots from Canada on the map, but I hate you none the less. Unless, you're from Vancouver. I'd move to Vancouver was it not in fucking Canada (and yes, I'm back.). They do have cool hats though.. Through a program called "Own the podium" the Canadians plan to win more medals. Say it with us, folks, "Who owns the team…ownsssssssss" If you don't get that go watch Slap Shot and then come back. Whoa...Bob just trailed off into a commercial. JewelrySlut thinks he got attacked by an Italian dog.

Now it’s JewelrySlut again…I’m in trouble because I abbreviated someone’s name. So, allow me to apologize here…it’s not NGD, it’s NoGoodDaddy, NoGoodDaddy, NoGoodDaddy and now I throw it back to him…that would be NoGoodDaddy, by the way.

Back in control of my company-owned laptop…I offer a prize to the person who can first find the only time I called her by an abbreviated name. I did it once. Only once. Go find it, losers.

I’m a heavily armed land mine Brian. So what? I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean (from JS, am I allowed to abbreviate my own name? Well, I’m going to…JS, JS, JS…so there)

Me again (JS, that is)…NoGoodDaddy just said “Ethiopia’s next” and my response was, “And they’ll be chased by flies.” I understand I have a warm spot in Hell reserved for me. Don’t we all?

9:57: Me again. Did I mention that ChurchBomber is coming down this weekend? No? She is. That means that we have to be quiet during our sensual lovemaking this weekend.

9:58…JS here…I just threw up in my mouth, just a little bit.

10:00: This better not be a commercial for Pennsylvania. The only thing I hate more than Canada is Pennsylvania. Speaking of which…the flight sucked. After getting budged, I had to deal with the people on the flight. See…it’s apparently no longer socially acceptable to check bags. I was about 2/3 of the way back in the plane and by the time I got to my seat, EVERY overhead was taken. No problem for me because I check my bag. But, a long drawn out ordeal ensued. It ended up with people having to un-board and check bags. As a result, we left ½ hour late. I was vocally bitching to my section of the plane. In fact, I’ll say I entertained my section of the plane with my witty jokes about how stupid most people are. I mean, is it everyone’s first trip on a plane? How hard is it to check a bag or go through security? Apparently very hard…

“The speeding White Sausage”. That’s Gaorg Hackl’s nickname. Make your jokes now. He’s a luging fiend. Don’t we all wish to be a Speeding White Sausage luging fiend?

10:10: The USVI has a luger lady. So, because we can, we’re naming locations on the USVI and the BVI, to boot, where one could street luge. That’s right…we’ve been to both VI’s. And we like them a lot.

10:13: We’ve moved into the 80′s for the background music and we’re happy about that.

10:19: The Mongolians have AWESOME hats AND… “Video killed the Radio Star” is playing. Did you know that was the first video played on MTV?

10:22 Poland is up…cue Brian Williams’ reference to the late Pope John Paul II as a skier.

Whoa….Bob and Brian just noticed the music. And I quote the Great Bob Costas: “If I hear Bette Davis Eyes by the immortal Kim Carnes my night will be complete”. Brian adds “Donna Summer will do it for me. As we look at the athletes, let me mention that they are in fact cold”. Nice attempt to cover that up, Brian. Would Tom Brokenjaw have said that? Would he? Would he? (Get that one, you know Who?

10:29: We’re coming up soon. And when I say we, I mean the good old U S of A. You know it…we’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s apparently the American way.

They’re drunk. It’s official. Brian and Bob are drunk. Where’s Katie Couric? Blowing somebody? Why can’t we have her here doing whatever it is that she does?

There’s that Michelle Kwan bitch again. FIX YOUR TEETH!

Shaun White…he’s the snowboarding Molly Ringwold look-alike. Apparently, he has a very engaging personality. Thanks for that, Bob.

Earlier, Bob reminded us that the vast majority of all athletes never even have a chance at a medal. Thanks for reminding us that most of these people are there for the booze and the trim. I needed to know that.

“Trim, that’s funny” I am dealing with a 12 year old pubescent boy. Lord have mercy on my soul.

10:36…NoGoodDaddy (heaven forbid I refer to him as NGD) is in the fetal position on the couch because Ronald McDonald is on the telly. Do y’all know that he is afraid of clowns? Well, he is. And that is precisely why I want to get myself one of those Burger King heads and scare the hell out of him when he wakes up to me wearing it. Yup, I crack myself up thinking about that. I am so funny!

10:42: Arby’s has 2 for $4 fish sandwiches for sale. I fucking dare you.

10:44: Burn Baby Burn…Disco Inferno.

10:46: Here come my people. Maybe, like SecretAgentBrother, I’ll get “SPQR” tattooed on my guns. I swear. My brother is a faggot. A gay-ass faggot. No wonder his wife left him for another man. We don’t know what song they’re coming in to, but JewelrySlut says “Let’s say it’s something from Paul McCartney and Wings” Why? Beats me. “Why not?” says she.

10:48: Holy shit…almost 2200 words. I applaud any of you for making it this far. That ends it for the Olympians. Time to go have sex or something.

(She sneers in my direction.) I vote for the “or something”, but I don’t think I have a choice in the matter. Sucks to be me, I guess.

Didn’t suck to be you when I propped you up on the washing machine and hit that thing earlier tonight, did it?

That was hours and many drinks ago. I’m sleepy and at least buzzing. If you can hit that thang without too much effort from me, I am so there. If not, sleep tight sweetie, happy to have you home.

Take me back to days full of monkey shines

Back on the road this week.

Mixed reviews so far.

Bad:
I miss the girls, as usual.

My hotel room: I’ll get to why the hotel itself is awesome, but the room…eh. I’m at the Homewood Suites in Lansdale, PA. Look it up. I have a suite. Hence, the name. I walk in and immediately to the left is a kitchen. I have a fridge, sink, dishwasher and 2-burner stove. I have a little food bar-type thing. Then, I go into the room and have a couch and coffee table and a work table (here I am!). The chair is too low. In fact, I just moved to the food bar….AHHHHH much better. The heat doesn’t really work, and since I’m now a Southern pussy, I’m cold. It’s also LOUD. And, then I have a bed across the room and a dressing area and shower/toilet room. This morning, I went to turn on the lights in the bathroom and the bulb blew. I had to put a bedside lamp in the bathroom, lest I shower in the dark.

And, work is sucking. We’re not making the progress we’d have hoped for and everything’s bogged down in procedures and paperwork. All I want is to see progress.

And…I’m out of a job with HealthCareRelatedCompany as of the end of June. So, tell me, faithful readers, what do you do? Bust your ass and end up living on the road for most of March and April or maybe take another look at things? I’m not one to slack off, but why go through the effort? What do I get? RedVendor has told me I could have a job in the future, but as a Project Manager, I’d be on the road 40 weeks of the year. That’s not for me. If I were single, maybe. But, as we all know I’m not.

OK…done with the bad.

On to a funny story…and then the good.

I’m leaving the office today on the way back here. I call JewelrySlut. We’re chatting it up

Me: What’s on tonight? Is Scrubs on?
JewelrySlut: Yup…wait…maybe the Grammys are on. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. Either way, I have to watch because Mariah Carey’s opening them and she’s performing with the Gorillaz

***Important note…I heard… “Mariah Carey is performing with Gorillas”….sounds the same…VERY different**

Me: OOH!!!! Rev up the TiVo. I got to see that
JewelrySlut: Yea…especially because they’re not even real.

Me (to self) WHAT!?!?! She’s going on stage with guys in gorilla suits (images of the train scene from Trading Spaces pass by). Holy fucking shit…this has the potential to be the best thing ever.
Me: (out loud) WHAT?
JewelrySlut: You know…they’re like animated. They’re not even a real group. She’s likely to have another breakdown
Me: WHAT??!?!?! OH! The Gorillaz…with a Z. Oh…I thought she was going on stage with guys in gorilla suits. Imagine that. All I know now is that I have to put up an entry tonight. They’re going to love this.

See…I need to go home.

So, to the good:

The hotel:
Holy Mother of God. The room may blow, but the place rocks. The little website told me they had a manager’s reception at night with food and drink. Now, at the Embassy Suites in Parsippany, I get my free drink card and an offer of corn dog nuggets or little egg rolls. It’s free, so how can you complain? This place blows it away. Last night, I went downstairs and saw a guy holding a beer in a plastic cup. “That’s oddly ghetto” I thought. Then I saw that the breakfast room/nook has
FREE BEER ON TAP!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!
AND FREE WINE!!!!
DID I MENTION FREE BEER ON TAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup…Awe-to-the-some.

They also have dinner. FOR FREE!!!!!

Tonight, because I’m a fag and try to eat healthily while on the road, I got to have some vegetable soup, a salad, steamed vegetables and some baked fish. I’m in heaven. I celebrated with 2 cups of decaf (I’m oh so cold) and 2 cookies.

FREE BEER ON TAP!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!
AND FREE WINE!!!!
DID I MENTION FREE BEER ON TAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And…I know I said he had the personality of a leaf, but my PM from RedVendor is a good guy. We’re getting along a little too well. So well, that last night, he invited me to his hotel for some, as he said, Brokeback Keyboard. Whatever that means. Instead, we sat in the lobby of his hotel and worked.

And… (And no linkage because I’m lazy), I may have a date this week.
MEANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She’s in the area tomorrow and if we don’t meet up while we’re both here, maybe she’ll swing by the estate in Raleigh later in the week. And, WCG, I told her to take 85 because we secretly hate you. You gots my digits, girl. Holla at me.

Well, that’s most of it for now. I have to pee and catch up on my internetting.

Later, dudes.