May become charges pressed

Notes from the Kingdom:

We had a cleanup day on Saturday. Friday was rainy and icky, so we were not sure if anyone would show up. Well, it cleared and we spent 3 hours chopping shit down. Now, you ask why we would do this if we live in townhouses with a lovely landscaping contract. Because El Jefe (me) don’t want to pay 2G’s for this cleanup. So, we cleaned.

And I got poison ivy.

But, I did get to climb a tree. JewelrySlut caught me doing it and was none too pleased. Maybe it was the long telescoping saw in my hands. Maybe it’s because I’m prone to hurting myself.

But, while this all is going on, we’re facing a lawsuit from a resident. We’re being accused of everything; harassment, racism, whatever you want. Do you all remember cat poop lady from a while back? Well, she’s back. And, she’s mad. She’s mad because we’re asking her to stop running a daycare center out of her house. Apparently that’s racist. We’re also asking her not to throw her garbage out on her porch. That also is racist. We’re also asking her to not let her husband repair his car and drain his oil pan into the parking lot. Racist. And, for fun, her mother is a lawyer and they’re ready to sue. But, riddle me this: should she lose, wouldn’t we (the Homeowners) just sue her back for legal bills? And, should she win, and is awarded damages, who pays for this? That’s right; she does (as a homeowner). That makes a lot of sense.

I also learned today that she has not paid her sewer bill to the city of Raleigh for 4 years. She’s insisting that the HOA pay it. Our property manager told her that’s not how it works. Anyone want to guess what she said about that?

I love it. So, I have to deal with the idiots at work all week and then watch these emails fly around at home. It’s good times.

Hey…does anyone want a kid? We’re ready to start over again and get us a new one. Shmuppie is not behaving so well lately. It’s any number of things; not listening, whining, pitching fits, not eating and generally acting like a bitch. It’s bad for JewelrySlut because she’s stuck home all week with her. At some point last week, Shmuppie managed to get JewelrySlut to break down and start crying. This was before last night when JewelrySlut just lost it. Shmuppie was just acting horribly and she just couldn’t take it. And, it’s no picnic for me. I come home on the weekends and all I do is yell. All I say is “No”. We’re not happy. We know it will pass and my not being home is a big part of it, but we need a break.

For example; on Friday, Shmuppie had taken out a puzzle book she has. It’s got like 6 puzzles built into the book. She spread them out on the floor and put them together. That’s fine. But, she refused to clean them up. JewelrySlut told her, “Clean it up or we’re getting rid of it”. Well, Shmuppie didn’t care and threw the book in the trash. Oh, that’s great. I’m not sure what that says about any of us. Is she spoiled? Yup. Does she just not get it? Yup. So, I called my mother. Not because I need advice from a lunatic, but because they’re coming down this weekend. Grammy likes to bring lots of toys when she visits. I told her that she was not to bring nay toys or gifts. None at all. She tried to argue with me that Shmuppie really wanted a pair of binoculars and they were already purchased. I said no. Who wants to bet they arrive at the house on Thursday night? I’ll kill her if she brings anything. This should be a fun weekend of being belittled and undermined. I can’t wait.

I really don’t have too much else to say. I’m kinda tired and cold. Maybe I should turn off the A/C in the hotel room and put on some pants.

I don’t know.

And rent yourself a goat

I finally got home a little after 10:30 on Friday night. It was good times. I felt like shit warmed over and was none too happy.

But, Saturday was a better day. We went to the State Fair.

2 words.


I’d never been to anything like this before. So, we parked the car near the house and hopped a bus to ride over. This was a good idea considering the absolute snarl of traffic in the surrounding area. We finally got in, paid our admission and were just awestruck.

I mean, the thing is huge. It keeps going. And, so do the asses of most of the fair-goers. Rides, games, fried food, more fried food, mullets, huge asses, goats, you name it.

So, we wandered about for a while and headed to the animal exhibits. Now, at a fair like this, people bring the prized cow to be shown and judged or something. So, we’re walking in the big exhibit hall (where we’d been like 3 weeks ago for a home goods show?!?!) filled with cows and cow people. So, Shmuppie is having a ball looking at all the cows. We even talked to a cow girl and Shmuppie was allowed to pet the cow. All in all, good times, and not too strong of a cow shit smell. Then, a few things occurred to me:

Most of the cow chippies were smoking hot. I remarked to JewelrySlut that they must import these babes for the fair because it’s impossible that the farm girls of NC look that good. This was later confirmed at the goat building. Apparently, there’s more money in cowing because they could afford the cuties. The goat girls were fugly.

The people sleep with their animals. And, I may just mean it like that you pervs. But, as you walk along, the cows are all lined up in their little cow pens, and, right there, are cots, sleeping bags, microwaves, and odd looking people. I remarked to JewelrySlut that we had very little in common with these people. Sure, we breathed oxygen, but it stopped there.

You can polyurethane a cow. Yes, you can. Don’t doubt me because I saw it happen. Seems that the closely cropped look is in this season for cows. Before showing a cow, they give the animal a buzz cut except for along its spine. That hair is allowed to grow to like 1/2″ long. Picture a cow-Mohawk. Then, the cow handler man takes a blow dryer and a can of Minwax polyurethane. He brushes the Mohawk hair “backwards” so it stands up straight and then sprays it with the polyurethane. I’m still not sure what purpose this serves.

Like I said, we have little in common with these people.

Having seen enough of life on the farm to convince us to stay in the city, we wandered around some more. Shmuppie rode a few shoddily-constructed rides and JewelrySlut and I had a barbeque sandwich. The food place was nice; they offered you melted cheese on anything on the menu for only 50 cents more. Sweet deal if you ask me.

We got to the midway area and it was a sight to behold. I got a picture or 2 on the digital, but left it in NC this week. It was wall to wall humanity. Like nothing I’ve ever seen. It was like those shots of Mecca when all the Muslims go to the big black cube thing. Except, they don’t clutch turkey legs and weigh 450 lbs.

By the time we got done there, Shmuppie was getting tired and I was done. We needed to go home and do something sophisticated.

But, before we left, I paid $5 to make a joke to JewelrySlut. It was worth it. Does anyone watch My Name is Earl? If so, follow along.

We’re sitting on hay bales (what else?) and Shmuppie is eating some ice cream. A scraggly-looking dude plops 2 little index cards in my lap. They read:

So, like I’m deaf and stuff. God Bless everything. The pins are $3 each or 2 for $5″.

That’s not exactly it, but is pretty close.

JewelrySlut didn’t see the cards, all she saw was this odd-looking dude looking at me.

I hand over $5 because I feel a good joke coming.

He does some sort of “Thank you” thing in sign language and wanders off.

I hand her the 2 cards with the pins attached.

“I sure wouldn’t let him be my lawyer, but I’d buy his pins.”

In the middle of late last night I was sittin’ on a curb

Well, what can I say? I’m back at PHL and it looks like a cross between the last days in Saigon and a Turkish marketplace. Have I used that line before? Maybe I have.

It’s been a long day.

The alarm went off at 6 because I try not to get fat while I travel. So, I got dressed and trudged down to the gym…only to find that the good machines were taken; leaving me a treadmill. Since I don’t like treadmills, I was not happy. They make me get shin splints and then you’d all have to hear about that. So, I went back to the room. I figured I’d just make a pot of coffee. Then I realized that all I had been that powdered milk/creamer shit. So, I went back to the lobby and got the little pouches of milk. Back upstairs I went. Decaf only. Back downstairs I went. Finally, 15 minutes later, I was ready to brew coffee.

It was going to be that kind of day.

But, I’ll digress to a story from yesterday. So, M and I are taking about something that HealthCareRelatedCompany prints. Depending on the volume needed at the time of the run, the components of the mailing are printed in different ways. If the run is large enough, they put the appropriate components on a printing press (ink) rather than run them on a digital press. You don’t need to understand what that means; just know that at some quantity, the job kicks to the other method.

So, I tried to explain that and it was like I was talking to an uninformed dog.

Me: So, at some quantity, they kick the booklets and claim forms to offset because it’s more cost-effective.

M: Telephone Area Rug, phone jack. (Actually, that’s not what he said. I don’t know what he said; all I know is that it had nothing to do with what I had told him.

Me: No, as I said, there’s a quantity break and those (pointing to the pieces) run offset and not digital.

M: UggaBoogaOonaGooga

Me: Sure. Whatever. You’ve worked in printing for how long? Because, I’ve met shoes that seem to know more about printing than you do.

Fast forward to last night. I was in PA eating with my old co-project manager. He’s been hearing the horror stories about our group from within the grapevine. He’s amazed about what he’s hearing. And not amazed in a good way.

I’m working in a very high-profile position. It’s not me, moreover, it’s the office. RedCompany has launched this office and it’s the biggest one of its kind on this side of the Atlantic. There are a lot of eyes on us. So, on one hand, if I make my mark, I can really use this as a springboard to other opportunities. However, if the fuckups I work with continue to be just that, I may need to find a way to get the hell away from them and get transferred to Greece. The country, not the town in NY.

On a bright note, I was lucky to have H’s company at the hotel last night. I think he got jealous that I was staying in PA last night and wanted to tag along. We had a tour at a facility that HealthCareRelatedCompany has in south Jersey and I figured I could go to the PA office and hang out. Naturally he wanted to come. Here’s how the multiple phone calls went.

Me (in my car): You don’t have a profile on the travel website yet. Call the office to book it.
H: I don’t have any paper.
Me: Great. Well, if you find some, call me.
Time passes…
H: I went on the website and it’s not working.
Me: Probably because you didn’t call them like I told you to. Here’s the number.
H: Where’s the hotel because I can’t find it.
Me: Courtyard by Marriott, North Wales, PA.
H: I can’t find it on line.
Me: The travel system sometimes has a hard time finding hotels in smaller towns. Did you consider calling the number?
H: Should I call?
Time Passes…
H: I can’t find the hotel.
Me: It’s there, trust me.
H: I don’t think it is. Are you sure you’re staying there.
Me: Well, I sure hope I am. I have a reservation and sure hope the hotel hasn’t vanished.
H: What’s the address?
Me: I don’t know. It’s at the intersection of Route 202 and 309.
H: No it’s not.
Me: Good Bye now.

Then, today at the plant, he argued with me about how to insert printed materials into an envelope. I think he wanted to use a printing press to do it. Does that mean nothing to you? Well, let me put it this way. Let’s say you needed to drive from here to there? Would you sit on your Cuisinart and hope for the best? I didn’t think so.

Then, today at HealthCareRelatedCompany’s facility, I learned that M seems to be confused by stairs. We had to walk up a flight and he stopped at the bottom for a moment of contemplation. I don’t know, maybe he’s in some odd religion that worships stairs and he needed a moment to pray, but once he gathered himself, he took the stairs like a toddler…clutching the hand rail and putting both feet on the step above before he prayed and tackled the next one.

These stories don’t even get into L’s behavior. I simply am not strong enough right now.

So, I’m sitting here on the floor near my gate. It’s 5:45 and I have at least 2 more hours to go. I’m sitting here next to 2 kids. He’s watching a movie and she’s arguing with her father because the flight is late. She can’t believe how this could happen to her and Dad seems to agree. I believe he wants her to do something about it.

It’s a mess here. But, they are clearing some flights and seats in the gate area seem to be opening up. That’s good because my ass went numb ages ago. If I stand up, I’m going to end up walking like a retard while the blood returns to my ass cheeks and legs.

I think I’ll take a nap now. Or kill myself.

Uninspired, drenched and tired

So what’s happening this week?

Well, I’m busy…or at least pretend to be. Mostly, just tired.

I came up to NJ on Monday AM and was ready to go back to bed by 10:00. RDU was crowded, EWR sucked and the drive from EWR to HealthCareRelatedCompany’s offices took way too long.

Is it wrong of me to already detest many of my coworkers? No? Good. Because I do.

Here they are:

H: He is one of the buyers that we have on staff. He’s a nice enough guy, but refuses to listen to anything anyone says. He also seems to be unable to make a decision on his own or take any initiative. He’s probably OK when given instructions, but needs everything spelled out. Not a quality that fits in well in this environment.

L: She’s our traffic manager and works in a similar role to me. She’s also our resident complainer, whiner, bitcher and all around sourpuss. Really, a lovely gal. And, she has a huge mole on her face. All she does is wail about something and complain that her back hurts. I think she needs to be asphyxiated. But that’s just me. She’s another one who can’t see that this is a HUGE project that we’re working on and that it will take a lot of time to get rolling. I keep telling her deep things like “This is not a sprint…it’s a marathon.” That’s me, chock full o’cliches.

M: Oh boy. This guy is a mess. No one is quite sure how he was hired. He’s one of those 50+ year olds that we’ve all worked with who asks questions like “Where is the internet?” He has ZERO computer skills. Like…he needed to be taught how to use a mouse. And, all he wants to do it work on his training courses; which he continues to fail spectacularly. How do you fail sexual harassment training? It’s never OK to grab anyone’s ass. If you use that as a guide, you’ll be fine. He was supposed to be working with me and L, focusing more on print and mail applications, but he’s just not anywhere near up to it. Now, he’s supposed to be a buyer, but is still learning how to use his mouse. He doesn’t know how to respond to an email!

K: She’s new. I just met her this week. She’s going to work with me and L. She’s quiet, but seems to know her shit. Also, a big plus for her is that she doesn’t seem to have missed the day in Kindergarten when listening was taught. That’s not the case for the rest of the crew. I think they’re trying to drive me crazy. It’s working.

My manager, J, is cool. He understands that this is a huge thing we’re doing and is giving me a long leash to run around setting things up. We get along well which is good because in a few weeks (I hope), I’ll be heading home and he’s going to need to trust me to work remotely.

In addition to us full-timers, there is a revolving crew of consultants and temporary setup people coming and going. It’s more than a 3-ring circus. We’re in this ridiculous office with the smallest cubes I’ve ever seen. There are 20 desks in here and, I think 4 phones. We have some network access, but HealthCareRelatedCompany has us so locked down that we can barely function. While I was playing in PA earlier this year, people here spent months trying to explain why we would need access to things like email.

All I want to do is go home and go to bed. I can’t sleep in this hotel worth a shit. I’m up all night, tossing and turning. The A/C is loud and just doesn’t work well. The fact that I’m out at dinner every night, having a few cocktails is not helping things I’m sure. I don’t know. I’m just beat.

So, I’m up here until Friday this week and then come back here Monday morning for another week.

But, what else?

Well, it was nice to be home last week. We went wireless in the house so I need to buy JewelrySlut a laptop. She’s wanted one for a while because I can sometimes be slightly ogre-ish when I’m in the office. I tend to give her nasty looks when she’s typing away on the home PC. Plus, it’s got to have the world’s loudest keyboard. I really need to buy a new one. Anyone got one for sale?

I suck at fantasy football this season. I drafted nothing but retards. JewelrySlut, on the other hand, is starting to do well. She’s actually ahead of me in the standings. I’m not happy about that, but she is, so I guess I am. Does that make sense?

I still haven’t posted any Disney pictures because I just haven’t had time. There are a few good ones form the weekend as a whole, including a few of JewelrySlut exuding lots of hotness. Meeeee-ow.

We’re planning on going to the NC state fair this weekend. It’s in Raleigh and we missed it last fall during the great flood. It should be a redneck tour de force and I’m excited to go see the Goat Dress Up contest (I shit you not) as well as the “Guess how many teeth” and “Guess your BMI” booths. It should a hoot. Plus…carneys!

Hell 2 DA NAW