I have a pig-shaped nerf football in my office

Another weekend come and gone. That’s good.

I can’t remember Friday at all. I worked and was aggravated I’m sure. I’m on a mission from God to bring order to the disorder that is work.

My brother and his girlfriend were in town for the weekend so we went up the road to the COP for dinner. It was OK I guess. No problems, no fights. It’s still odd that we’re related. We still have nothing in common.

Saturday was a bid day here at LunaticGardens (or whatever I’m calling this place lately). The pool was opening for the season and I had pipes to find. BrownJason was hot to trot to find missing cleanout pipes in front of a few houses. So, I got an old metal detector I had and we set out. I’m happy to say that it appears that my wedding ring is not made of metal. But, apparently, the air outside of our home is. That’s nice. Getting nowhere fast, we went to a friendly person’s house (Kathleen) and decided to literally poke around. We got some metal skewers and started poking in the ground in the area where we thought we’d find the pipe. All we did was aerate her yard.

Of course, and those keeping score will know this, Kathleen lives near BatShitCrazyPearl. So, as we were poking about, BatShitCrazyPearl opened her door and stuck her crazy head out to see what has happening. Pleased to see that Whitey was up to no good, she decided (I think) to try to anger us. She took what appeared to be a year’s worth of garbage and dump it out on her front steps. At one point, as it piled up, I asked DeborahTheWise is BatShitCrazyPearl was trying to irritate us. We agreed that we couldn’t have cared less if we tried. All I know is that I didn’t have to clean it up, nor did I care. I think she was testing our resolve. She (BatShitCrazyPearl) has been told not to throw her garbage out on her steps. I think this was her way of telling us she’ll throw her garbage wherever she wants.

OK Crazy lady.

Later in the afternoon, we held our little Black Panther Pool Party. One family came and announced that since they were not hungry, they would not be bringing food. Considering that these people won’t send their kid to school (preferring home schooling) because there’s not enough religion in NC public schools that made perfect sense to me. But CrazyAnne brought a bunch of food, we brought drinks, and a few people had a good time. The turnout was lackluster at best. But, what do I care. Shmuppie had a good time in the pool. The water was chilly, as expected, but not too bad.

We had to go back to the COP for dinner. More food and booze was consumed. Shmuppie and I played soccer for a while out in the yard and had quite a good time. I managed not to hurt myself, so I consider the evening a success.

On Sunday, the family came over for a swim. We hung out in the sun before the lovebirds headed home to DC. I also put in a new ceiling fan in the living room. It was frustrating, but I learned that the makers of ceiling fans have finally learned that people don’t have tails. They’ve made them a lot easier to hang. A little metal hook-thing is a part of the mounting base. It allows you to temporarily hang the fan as you wire it. Usually, you need another person to hang the fan while you wire it.

Of course, this changes my whole life. Usually when people would ask me if I’d rather have a monkey tail or monkey feet (and this happens ALL THE TIME), I’d say tail and cite ceiling fan installation as a primary reason. Things change.

On Monday, I took my lovely saw to more pieces of the deck. As of now, a good 1/3 of it is gone and all the scraps have been hauled off. I cut up more tree roots. I’d say we now have the space for the garden all set. There’s still a ways to go before we can think about planting anything. We need to address the crappiness of the fence and haul in a few tons of dirt.

We swam some more and all took naps. Weather-wise, it was a lovely weekend and we got some nice sun. Poor JewelrySlut has pattern sunburn at this point. She wore several different bathing suits this weekend and got burns all over the place.

I’m home this week and for part of next. I’m in NJ from Wed-Fri next week and possibly the following. We’re just so damn short staffed at work lately that it’s very hard to not be there. Of course, being there means I’m there, so being here is always better.

I need to go write up the reunion still. I’m lagging behind and know that all 4 of you can’t wait to see what happened.

No…it was fun

How did my trip home go yesterday?

This is what I wrote to Ben and Jerry’s:

Yesterday at Newark Airport, they had the heat set to “Damn Hot”. So, for reasons unknown, I decided that a B&J sorbet would make a good dinner. I’d tried to order there a few months back and was yelled at “We don’t make no smoothies” (To make this fantastic, the employee yelling this at me was standing under a “SMOOTHIES!” sign). In any event, I hate myself, so I tried again yesterday.

4 people seemed to be working. 3 were talking to either each other of friends (cell phones). One girl was waiting on people at her own pace. and my that, I mean “whenever she damn well pleased”. At one point, another customer asked what he had to do to get an order taken. The one “worker” announced that she had to take out the garbage and then she’d help him. She did so, and then (without washing her hands) served my line-mate.

This is just a horribly managed operation. I’m in Newark airport all the time for business travel and I see behavior like this each time I walk past. It’s not good for the brand. I mean, there is no peace love or harmony going on there. Not one bit.

I didn’t save the one I sent to Continental, but it was about the same.

TGIFAIANINJA
(Thank God it’s Friday and I am not in NJ anymore)

A full weekend

A whole lot happened this weekend.

To start, anything reunion-related will be posted on its own page. Look to the left. See the link? That’s where it will land.

To the crew in general: we may have new visitors soon. Let’s treat them nicely and not be too mean to them.

OK…

Thursday:
We flew up and things went well. JewelrySlut got to see the generalized airport silliness that I live and breathe every few weeks. It was odd to be flying with someone, but, since I like her, it was OK. If it were any of you jackals, I would think differently. We got to EWR, got our car and headed out to ChurchBomber and MerlotMan’s house. We grabbed a little pizza on the way and settled in for an evening of wine and wine.

Having had enough, and knowing I had to wake up in the morning, and fighting off this odd chest congestion thing I had going on, I went the hell to bed. It was cute; JewelrySlut and I had separate beds for the weekend. How Ozzie and Harriet of us.

Friday:
I had to go to the office for work. Now, I don’t belong here on Fridays. I have not been in NJ on a Friday since November. But, work was madness, and I got to play my merry role of office jester. I should get the hat and tights and just be done with it.

We went out to dinner on Friday at an awesome restaurant in Parsippany called the Reservoir Tavern. We’d heard about it for years; it’s often mentioned when they list the best pizza in NJ. Shockingly, OTB doesn’t seem to have been there yet. Note to them: go! Anyway, we ordered way too much food and every morsel of it was amazing. We had fried calamari and a seafood salad to start. Both were excellent. MerlotMan ordered up a big vat of pasta with assorted shellfish. That’s an easy dish to foul up. They hit it out of the park. ChurchBomber ordered a chicken and arrugala salad. I think an entire chicken was in there. JewelrySlut ordered stuffed eggplant. It was stupid it was so good. I had them bring a Margherita pizza out to the table to test their pizza-making mettle. It was awesome. We ended up bringing home at least half the food. We went home and drank too much wine.

Saturday:
We left the house at about 11 to head to Pingry. As I stated, more will be said later. It was very interesting. That place is not a high school. I have no idea what it is, but a normal high school does not have a sculpture garden, performing arts wing and pink walls. The place just ain’t right. We met a few people and I started having more fun than I could have ever imagined.

I also started losing my voice. That made it fun.

We left school and went back to get dressed for the evening in the city. We hadn’t been to the city together since the night before Shmuppie was born, so it had been a while.

We got to Hoboken, parked the car, and went to the PATH trains. Our plan was to get into the city, go to eat in Little Italy (lower east side), go uptown to the party (upper east side) and then gat back on a PATH (midtown). The PATH could have taken us into 14th street, or the new WTC station.

We chose the WTC station.

Now, we’ve made bad decisions in our lives, but this one was near the top.

The thought was thus. We’d get in downtown and see how we felt. JewelrySlut had never seen the site and, if we felt OK, we’d go walk near it and cry a little bit. I know we weren’t there and only peripherally know people who were, but, as we keep saying, “It’s just so sad”

We’re on the train, and are close to the stop. I know this, because I know the path of the WTC train from my commuting to downtown days. I look up ahead of us, and emerging from the darkness is light. My brain screamed at me “OH NO! FOR GOD’S SAKE, PLEASE NO!”

It NEVER occurred to me that the train came into the site. It makes perfect sense; they use the same tracks, but where you used to be underground, under a building, you’re now underground…in the open. My mouth was agape and I was screaming in my head. I was somewhere where no person belongs. You’re literally down at the bottom of the site. I can’t explain how wrong it is and how horrible it felt. It’s just bad.

The train stopped and we got out. The station is open to the outside, but within a chain link fence for walls. But, you’re right there, at the bottom of the site. I could barely move and slowly made my way to the fence. JewelrySlut made it there before me and I could see she was crying. I started crying too. There are no words to describe it. It’s just so fucking horrible. I don’t know. It just hurt.

We left the station and went up the old escalators; the escalators you’ve seen in the movies and I used to commute up and down every day. At the top, the tourists hang out. I wanted to take every one of their cameras, stomp them, and scream “This is not a tourist destination. Get the fuck out of my city!”

Fighting back a true flood of tears, we just got the hell out of the area. It was too much. I never need to see the site again. It’s just too much.

Having depressed ourselves, we headed to dinner. The trains (subways) were on some “NoGoodDaddy and JewelrySlut are in the city” schedule and we had to do some insanity to get to Spring Street. We got there, walked to Mulberry and headed to Luna’s.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

They closed Luna’s? As if the depressing sights, choking tourists and pouring rain wasn’t bad enough, our place was closed? You’re fucking kidding me!

We found another place to go to and it sucked. I won’t even mention them by name. We went to Caf‚ Roma for dessert and it was good. The service was horrid, but the desserts were good.

We hiked back to Spring Street and took the 6 to 68th and Lex. The party was here. We walked over and were the first to arrive.

Good times ensued.

We got home at 2:00. Shit, that’s too late for some old farts like us.

Sunday, we got up and lazed about for a bit.

We drove out to Hackettstown to see the old neighborhood and the house. They’re doing a LOT of building near where we used to live. We moved there 9 years ago and were surrounded by corn fields. Our property taxes were $2500. Now, they have strip malls everywhere, a retirement community is going in the field where the county fair used to be and property taxes just broke the $7000 mark. Thank God we moved.

But, our pool house looks like shit. It’s really gone to hell. One of the many reasons we moved was that the house needed to be painted/sided and the roof needed work. Looks like they’ve done neither. The paint looks really bad and mold is growing on one side of the house. The fascia boards at the roof like are all rotted and I can only guess what the roof is doing. The landscaping looks like shit, JewelrySlut’s garden is gone and it just looks horrible. We felt bad for the house.

To make us feel better, we went to Poor Boy’s and got some pizza. Damn you Raleigh and your no pizza-making skills. Damn you to hell!

We finished up, and went back to the house. I took a nap and the rest of the crew had some wine. We ate and then JewelrySlut and I left to go tot the hotel.

This morning was normal. JewelrySlut came in here to meet the crew. I drove her to EWR. Her flight was on time, and when she landed, she called to tell me that Continental had lost her bag. AWESOME!

So, here I am. I’m sleepy and could use a nap. My voice is shot and I have a big presentation tomorrow.

Good times.

Look for updates to the left as they come.

Tell me why

Well, it almost turned ugly for all of you last night. And, it has nothing to do with the admission of my love for a former HS classmate. JewelrySlut was quite interested in seeing who she was, and had picked someone else. Strangely, she picked the girl who my pal, Mike, was in love with. Funny…

Anyway…

I nearly resigned from the Board last night and am still considering doing so. You folks, in addition to the board members get to convince me otherwise. While I understand that they are interested in me staying for reasons like “NoGoodDaddy helps the community and improves things”, you bastards are interested more from a “This shit is funny” standpoint.

BatShitCrazyPearl (her official name…it’s been put in Word as an autocorrect and everything) called me yesterday. 90 minutes later, I got off the phone.

Now, to all of you who just said “Dipshit…hang the hell up!” please put yourself in my place. Would you hang up on a client at work? A coworker? Because that’s how I treat my enormous “responsibility”. I spent a lot of that time with the phone against my chest because the shrill tone of her voice was too much to handle.

Here were her problems:
She read the bylaws of the community and saw that we were supposed to have held last week’s annual meeting on a Wednesday. We held it on a Tuesday. Now, she got this in her head because the former President was upset because he’s a faggot and wasn’t re-elected last year and that we were “breaking the rules”. He had threatened to come to the meeting and declare it illegal if we didn’t move it to Wednesday. We held it on Tuesday. Nobody cared. Well, BatShitCrazyPearl now thinks that all monthly meetings need to be on Wednesday. I asked her point blank how any of this could possibly affect her life and inconvenience her. She gave her boilerplate answer of “I want the rules to be followed”.

She also wants to attend the monthly meetings (held on Wednesdays of course). I told her she could petition to get on the agenda during Homeowner’s time, but could not attend the rest of the meeting. It’s a closed meeting unless you are invited. She didn’t like that at all. I’ve not heard the last of that.

Then, of course, we discussed the rampant wild animal problems we have here. That took an hour. Apparently, there are wild animals in the community and she plans to do something about it. And something is take pictures on her cell phone. She’s also gathering a posse of disgruntled people. Apparently, all of court 2 is afraid to go outside because of all the wild animals. They are also afraid of our property manager. As a result, they apparently are taking their grievances to BatShitCrazyPearl for resolution. I told her that if someone has a problem, they need to contact the manager. Because until they do so, it’s not a problem that I need to worry about.

This went on for a while longer. She ranted about everything; the bills for the property manager, the color of people’s shoes, the fact that I, or a board member, should be cutting the grass here and not a landscaper. She accused me and all white people of being racist. She dropped more than a few N-Bombs.

She told me she wants to assault someone and doesn’t care about the consequences because “I don’t work for no man. I work for me”. 3 minutes later, she told me that an assault charge would bring shame on her family. She reminded me that her uncle is a Senator and a former Supreme Court Justice (not true by the way) and that another uncle is a Federal Govt. employee and has connections.

I can see it now (dream sequence noise)
Riiiing (checks caller ID…Washington DC? That’s odd. Who from RedCompany is from DC?)
Me: Good afternoon, this is NoGoodDaddy
Voice: NoGoodDaddy, this is Dubbya. We got a problem (in my head, Dubbya sounds like Dana Carvey doing Ross Perot…it’s my fantasy so go along with me)
Me: Mr. President?
Dubbya: Yea. I’ve been talking to BatShitCrazyPearl (goofy Dubbya laugh here (when he says “heh”)) and we have a problem. She says you’re a racist and that you have a squadron of attack cats.
Me: Umm…don’t you have a country to run? And maybe a war to do something about?
Dubbya: Not important. What’s important (Use the Ross Perot voice, people, or I’ll get pissed!) is that you tell me how to get a squadron of attack cats. That lady’s out by the fence again and I need to stop her.
Me: OK, Mr. President. I appreciate the call, but my floor is on fire right now.

That’s how it would go. And, if nobody was half as amused by that as I was, too damn bad. It’s my blog!

So, I sent the board an email telling them that they needed to convince me not to quit. Because, this has gone too far. We spend too much time on her problems, and can’t focus on what’s important; like improving the appearance of the property and helping boost property values.

So, over the next 3 hours, CrazyAnne, RedNeckPam and DeborahTheWise all showed up to talk me off the ledge. This is sad…I’ve decided to send BatShitCrazyPearl a letter via certified mail requesting that she not call me or come to my house. It’s basically Step One on the road to harassment charges.

Fucking great.

While we’re all sitting in our dining room, DeborahTheWise’s cell rang. It seems BatShitCrazyPearl had gathered a posse and was banging on someone’s door. There was a cat in the parking lot and they wanted these other people to do something about it. Never you mind that it was a stray and didn’t belong to the people who were being attacked.

So, like the Action News Team, we flew into action and headed to Court 3. I had to talk this nice lady off the ledge and beg her not to stoop to the level of the people outside her door. All the while, BatShitCrazyPearl is stalking the parking lot with a pad and pen, taking notes.

After freeing myself from 2nd hand smoke hell in Kathleen’s house, I tried to walk home. BrownJason (not because he’s brown, but because he works for UPS), a new board member, had been grabbed by CrazyAnne and brought into the fray, and was walking with me. He was flabbergasted. We got to Court 2, and out came BigKelly. She’s my VP. So, over the next hour, the 3 of us stood there in the parking lot and tried to figure out what to do next. The consensus is that we haven’t a clue.

So, that’s my story.

I get to go away for 8 days. I can’t wait to go to NJ. Yes, I said it. Remind me of that statement next week while I’m up there and bitching about not being home.

Packing for this trip has been a joy. I need a lot of clothes! I finally have it all figured out and have a suitcase of un-ironed clothes to bring up with me.

One last thing before I go…over o the right side, I have a new link. St John Spice has finally gotten front page billing. I have to thank Jeff from Blue Tang and OSJ for letting me “borrow” his image. Not that any of you care about St John, but I do and he runs a cool site. But, if you like hot sauce, fun coffee, seasonings and general awesome things that will make your head explode from goodness; go see Ruth at St John Spice.

I need to poop.

Oh! I”m adding a page there on the left side with a board and community roster, along with the names I’ve given them and descriptions. Enjoy

Follow me, folks. This gets messy

Let’s jump all over the place here.

Jerry Falwell died. Ha Ha. I know he probably had a family who likely loved him and I should feel sympathy for them, but I don’t. He was an asshole of epic proportions and deserves whatever is waiting for him on the other side. I happen to believe there’s something over there. I can’t say what, but when you die you don’t totally go away. Because, there’s no other way to explain how, a few months after my maternal grandfather died, my mother and I had the identical dream about him. He called us on the basement phone and we had essentially the same conversation with him. That sold it for me. You go somewhere when you die.

Anyway, Jerry’s dead and likely he’s got some ‘splaining to do to someone.

Next:

I love Jimmy Buffett. The music is fun, but, of late, I love his entrepreneurial spirit. Remember the Kamp Krusty episode of the Simpsons? Having held a mutiny at camp, Bart confronts Krusty and asks how he could possibly attach his name to such a product. Krusty responds with something like “They drove a dump truck of money to my house. What was I supposed to do?” Well, Jimmy, who already sells everything you can imagine, is now opening a Margaritaville Casino down around Biloxi. The best part is that his more idiotic fans will go there in droves to play Jamaica Mistaka Poker or try their luck at the Landfall slot machines. They will, of course, do this while drinking a Land Shark Lager, bellies full from the nearby Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant, decked out in licensed sneakers, shorts, shirts, underpants and hats. The man’s a fucking genius. I can’t begrudge him for a second. Because, if he didn’t think it would sell, he wouldn’t make it (or have his name slapped on it by a Chinese laborer). I can’t imagine what comes next, but I can’t wait to watch the lemmings flock to it in droves.

Next:

New bed arrived yesterday. You can imagine how unhappy I was at 12:48AM when I woke up to stare at the clock. Not to mention at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:30 and finally 6:59. Nothing like a long interrupted night of non-sleep to get your day started. I have no idea why I can’t sleep for more than an hour or 2 at a time, but it’s annoying as all hell.

Next:

When I manage to sleep, I keep having reunion-themed dreams. I don’t know why I’m so geared up to go. It’s not like I like these people anymore. I mean, out of a class of 110 or so, I’ve seen maybe 10 of them since graduation day, and no one since about 1997. I left high school and went out on my own path. I mean, within 4 weeks of graduation, I’d met The Girl and life’s been an adventure ever since. But, something is making me excited to go and see some of my old pals.

Next:

So, I have scanned in some pictures from my yearbook. The quality sucks, but you can see how handsome I used to be when I was skinny and had hair. Remember, back in the day, I was an athletic machine. I weighed maybe 150 lbs soaking wet (which I was most of the time.

Odds are good the text will now start fucking up. Thanks Sir Webmaster Dickbag But, wait, by adding a ton of lines of empty code, I almost made this work. Go bother Pete if you have a problem.

So, we have my senior portrait. I think it says “Hi, I’m NoGoodDaddy. I’m an asshole!”
portrait
















Next we have (Follow the stupidly wrapping text) me and my girlfriend at the time, HoseBeast. This is from the Junior Prom. I broke her heart in the summer of 1992, just days before my 18th and her 16th birthdays (we had the same birthday). I’d met another woman.
rob and heather














Finally, we have me and my pal, Mike. Look at us crazy whiteboys getting mad air.

rob and mike





















This is now where the picture descriptions end and we go back to my writing
Now that JewelrySlut is at the PLC (Pretty Lady club) meeting for today, can I say this here? She doesn’t even know this…it will be a secret for a few hours anyway.

Is it wrong to go to one of these things (a reunion) and tell someone that you never spoke to in high school that you had the crush of crushes on them? Or, is it creepy as hell? I don’t know. I think if I see her, I’ll say something. I swear to you I was in love with this girl. But, she was too cool for someone like me. We ran in different circles and never had reason to talk. As it was, I was emotionally retarded (like I’m not any more). I never dated anyone until October of junior year and that never went anywhere. Of course, I flowed from that series of dates straight to the HoseBeast and that ended up lasting over a year. But, I was an emotional retard and would never have had the balls to say anything to someone so Goddess-esque. Now that I’m a balding mess who has a smoking hot wife, who cares what I say? Senior year, we were in the same physics class and I got to be her lab partner the second half of the. Made physics a lot more gooder. I mean; it’s not one of those “Oh…I wish I had said something then”, but I think it would be cute and all. What does the group think? I’ll try not to have a raging boner when I talk to her.

JewelrySlut is now reading this and peeling ass downstairs to have me show her who it is in my yearbook. But, the other girl is not showing up on the reunion party RSVP list, so who knows?