Month: June 2007

by

Go ahead…laugh at me

I can’t even begin to explain this past week. I may just focus on today. As Moose A Moose would say, today is Thursday.

I had to meet someone in the lobby at 7:45. Earlier in the week, I had thoroughly annoyed enough people at RedCompany that the cavalry was coming to my rescue. The multi-million dollar project I’ve been working on by my lonesome for the past 2 months? Well, it finally got noticed. People got pissed. Not at me, mind you. I just kept standing at the bottom of the abyss, screaming for help. Help arrived the other day. This week, I either made my name at RedCompany or started getting fired. Either works.

Thursday

7:45AM: Lobby to meet KF. I knew her form PA so it was good to see her. Off we go to HealthCareRelatedCompany. We arrived and I took her to the front door to sign in. Now, recently, HealthCareRelatedCompany decided that we evil bastards from RedCompany were no longer safe to let loose in the building. SO, they passed a law; no one from RedCompany can escort another person, no matter who they are, around the building. So, we get to the desk and I sign KF in.
Me: So…I’m not on the list
Security: You can’t escort her. (KF’s eyes bug out of her head)
Me: OK…none of the approved escorts are here. Call Mel. (The VP at HealthCareRelatedCompany in charge of us hellions)…no answer. Call Jane (his Admin)…no answer.
Security: You need an escort
Me: Try Rich…nothing. Try Al…nothing.

I’m real close to having this SOB page the CEO of HealthCareRelatedCompany. Let’s get his $20million a year ass down there to walk me to the office.

Finally, the head receptionist saw me and recognized me and walked us all of 50 feet to our offices. We call this setting the tone for the day.

We got coffee (me sneaking KF to the food room all the while) and called some Canadian dude who couldn’t make it here last night because Mother Nature is a fickle bitch. We started talking about whatever the hell we were supposed to be doing when VPBrian walked in. He wanted to talk to us all about the latest Master Plan.

Having thoroughly talked, we had to go to our meeting with HealthCareRelatedCompany about this project. The main lady from HealthCareRelatedCompany was on the phone and 2 underlings were in the room. The meeting went well. If we don’t win this business, some people are going to be very pissed at a lot of people (not me though…I asked for the help and got NOTHING). It’s some serious business and will make me inst a rising star. I really want this to break our way.

11:00: We wrap up and KF’s cell rings. I had planned on working with her all day. Her mother was in the hospital. She had to bug out to go back to PA to see what was happening. So, I was left, with my dick in my hand, still in NJ. On Wednesday, I had moved my flight until Friday. (Side note, my original flight was cancelled. The weather at the airport is about to enter the story).

So, I spend the next few hours with my hair on fire. HowardTheJew (NEW NAME!!!) is thoroughly amused by this. Nobody enjoys my suffering like he does.

1:40PM: I get this email from my father:
SecretAgentBrother and Fiance are on plane to Atlanta. We are sitting at gate in RDU. Right now our flight is delayed to 2:20 p.m. but subject to further ground control delays. If we do not make the connection Delta shows nothing available to Europe before Monday. However, we guess the options, if any, would be better from JFK. IF our flight is cancelled here, Dopey will come and retrieve us and we will figure options. If we go late to JFK and miss the connection we will crash with Friend 1 or Friend 2 and take things from there.

Shit.

Mom and Dad are trying to get to Italy for TheItalian’s wedding. Brother and Fianc‚ (Yes…they’re engaged…more to come) tried to go last night, but could not. I call my father. They’re stuck indeed and their original flight just isn’t happening.

While we’re on the phone, I’m getting his Delta number so I can try to book a new flight. I log in as him and he’s been re-booked (from my Cleveland adventure, we know how that goes). They’re booked from RDU – JFK – London – Pisa, Italy. That’s it. They can’t get to their destination of Rome. I tell him. He shits. The Delta lady comes on the overhead, announces that everyone is fucked and makes a point to tell people NOT to yell at her; it ain’t her fault.

I find a flight for Friday on Continental and hang up to try to get them booked on it. Meanwhile, chaos is erupting around me at work. Obviously, the fact that I’m talking into my headset is not at all an indicator that I might be ON THE PHONE!

I get through and learn that I can’t swap them to Continental. OK…back to Dad. He’s learned that they may be able to get from RDU – JFK – London (Gatwick) – a bus – 8-hour layover – London (Heathrow) – Rome.

Good times!

We part and he goes to board the RDU – JFK flight.

Time passes.

StupidIndian (NEW NAME for a woman in the office who pisses me off to no end) is babbling at me about money saved. Bottom line is that I don’t have the annual quantities on the job. I need them to give her a total $ spent number. I ask her to pull the invoices (she has them). We get them, and little do I realize, and notice that they don’t have quantities. I ask Aubrey (Might as well use his name now as you’ll see) to get the pre-bills so I can get the quantities. He flips out at StupidIndian. They start yelling.

Now, the 2 of them yelling is common occurrence. I hear about it all the time. So, I decided to do something about it. They work for LittleIndian (Yes, I’m a racist pig), a guy from Rochester. He’s a little younger than I am and we get along well. We both kinda “get it” at the office and hang out at the hotel with ImNotMolly all the time.

I send this email:
Subject: The Battling BA’s
It’s got to stop. I’m never here and they’re driving me insane. I can’t imagine what the room has to deal with all the time.

5 minutes pass, and I’m still trying to get my parents a flight when I hear Aubrey start in again. Seems, the LittleIndian has called him to say that someone in the office said he was fighting again. Since only HowardTheJew and I were in the office at the time…it was clear who did it. I had to get up and pee.

I called JK (Another name) who was off-site today to let her know I planned to kill the LittleIndian. I felt he deserved it. She agreed. That’s why I love JK.

So, having peed, LittleIndian called my cell; mostly because I sent him an email right before I left saying “YOU ARE NOT HELPING!”

He told he’d sent Aubrey home for the day. I told him I though he was an asshole for ratting one of us out and basically killing any chance at office harmony. LittleIndian and I went at it for a while. Seeing that he’s a stubborn SOB, he didn’t agree with me. As we know, I am always right.

4:30 PM: Still annoyed, I went back to the office for another series of calls.

5:00 PM: Yet another call. This one had some upper level people on it. One joined, saying, “Oh…NoGoodDaddy is here. You’re having quite a week, aren’t you?” Word of my deeds had spread. This call was about why the people at HealthCareRelatedCompany are douches. They are. I plan to get one fired.

5:30: LittleIndian calls me; Aubrey’s gone. He’s been fired. Need I point out that he’s black?

Recap: I got a family of “them people” evicted and now got one fired.

6:00: My father calls and wants to know if I can get them on an Alitalia flight out of JFK because they may not make it on time. Back to Delta I go…Nancy and I speak for a while and we decide that, while I could send them here: JFK – Cab – LaGuardia – Boston – Paris – Rome, I’d let fate take over and let them make it on their own. Nancy’s bosses are getting an email from me. She’s da bomb.

6:15: my cell rings from a number I don’t know. Then, my office line rings. I’m on with Delta still, so I ignore them both. I get off the phone, and call the number.

Me: Hi, this is NoGoodDaddy; I’m returning your call.
Aubrey: NoGoodDaddy, it’s Aubrey
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Me: Yea…so…
Aubrey: LittleIndian said someone called him to say I was fighting…(then he ranted)
Me: Yea…it was me. I didn’t expect the final result, but I did it
Aubrey: (Silence)
He and I have been pals and I don’t think he expected it to come from me.
We talked for a while, and I explained that he was too abrasive, too big of a personality, and that LittleIndian thinks too much of himself.

Not a call I needed.

6:45: I leave work…it’s raining. I get to the store to buy dinner and it’s my manager. He’s in Pittsburgh. Why? Because his flight from Milwaukee to EWR ran out of fuel flying in circles over PA. HA!

All the while, I have the girls on the phone.
(Did I mention that Shmuppie nearly got expelled from camp this week? Oh yea…Tuesday, she bit a kid, and on Wednesday, she was randomly licking people. She seems to have developed an oral fixation (something I wished JewelrySlut had. (You know…more time with my cock in her mouth and stuff)). So, I’m laying down the law from NJ).

7:30 PM: I arrive at the hotel. Dave gets one look at me and asks what’s wrong. ImNotMolly, ever son lovingly, asks what the hell is wrong. I guess I look like shit.

Riiing…cell again. It’s my father. They’ve landed at JFK. How’s the next flight look. ImNotMolly looks it up…it’s going to be tight. I wish him well.

8:00: Riiiing: It’s him. They’re on the plane and he’s out of breath

9:00: Riiing…they’re on the plane…sitting. Apparently, they just parked the plane and opened the doors. They walked 1/2 a mile to the airport and then had to cross 2 terminals and a million gates…to be the last 2 people on the plane. They’re still sitting.

I just spoke to JewelrySlut who is sick and ready for bed. So am I.

by

Sir? Who’s he?

So, I go to the Y on a few days ago because I like to be all trim and fit.

I got to the fitness desk to pick up my towel and get my locker room key. Behind the desk was the cutest/prettiest young woman you’ve ever seen. She must be home from college and is just a lovely looking young woman.

I ask for a key and say that anywhere in the locker room is fine. She hands me a key and says “Here you go, sir. #85″

Sir? Somewhat crushed, I walked into the locker room wondering if I looked like a sir. In no way did I expect to score with said adorable young woman, but, did she need to call me sir?

After biking, I got dressed and went to return my key. I was told “Have a nice day, sir”.

Just emotionally devastating. I’m a wreck and a half.

On to less amusing topics…

I’m up here in NJ this week, and I ran into one of my old pals from HealthCareRelatedCompany. A year ago or so, she wisely escaped the pit of despair where we used to work and now works in the pit of despair that is the Ivory Tower. Anyway, I walked over and said hi. She asked if I’d heard about Mike.

Me: Mike?

FinancePal: Yes, Mike D.

What happened?

He had a stroke.

WHAT?! I was thinking about him last week.

Back in the old days, I had made reference to Mike. He was our inventory guy, a diabetic, and someone who took shitty care of himself. I made an off-hand reference to him here that makes me unhappy to read because my prediction almost came true.

I’m slightly pissed and slightly depressed. Pissed because he should have known better all along. He once passed out in the office and slipped into a minor little coma-thing because his sugar was all effed up. Pissed because he knew what he was supposed to do to take care of himself, yet he never did it.

Depressed because the guy turned 40 2 days ago.
Fuck.
He just had a fucking stroke. I’m not in one of those “Let’s reassess my life” moods, but I’m still not happy. I take good enough care of myself, but I’m wholly expecting to burst into flames some day or be sitting on a plane with the next highly contagious TB patient or something. If I make it to 50, I’ll consider it an accomplishment.

Damn. I need to get his number and call his ass.

But, let’s see if I can lighten the mood.

Poop?

No? Ok…let’s talk about the rabid monkeys here at work.

MTR (New name alert! New name Alert! This is short for MarcTheRetard) is out this week on vacation and it’s my job to try to figure out what he’s been up to. He left me a whole pile of shit to “watch over” in his absence. And by “watch over”, I think he meant “Figure out that I’m a retard and then communicate that to the vendors because, Whooee Jesus, I’ve been fucking up a lot lately”

In an email to one of our programmers, I actually said:
“Not to sound like too much of a jerk, but please ignore MTR. What we discussed this morning is accurate.
Thanks, NoGoodDaddy”

The programmer wrote back to thank me because MTR was making no sense. I mean, (and here I go on a technical and boring tangent), he can’t even measure a piece of paper. Nor can he differentiate between which specs are for programming and which are for production. As a result, I have both groups calling me to ask what the hell is going on.

It doesn’t sound bad, but when you factor in that he was apparently hired because of his vast printing knowledge, it’s not good.

I don’t know.

I’m still pissy about Mike.

by

Got rope?

It sure gets dull around here when I’m not having airport-related woes, doesn’t it?

Saturday, we picked Shmuppie up from the airport. She and my mother had been in Bermuda on a cruise.

Here’s another reason why it’s fun to have a 5-year old:
Me: When you went to the beach, did you go in a taxi or did you ride the big bus?
Shmuppie: We rode in a car.
Me: OK. It was a taxi car, right?
Shmuppie: Yea, but the seats were looking at each other and we were looking at the other people the whole time.
Me and JewelrySlut: ??
Shmuppie: And the driver sat where the Moms sit.

OK…did anyone get that? Because, suddenly, JewelrySlut and I knew exactly what she was saying. When I told my father the story, he got it too.

See, in Bermuda, they drive on the wrong side of the road in British cars. So, the driver was in the Mom’s seat (the right side). It’s funny to see how she talks things out sometimes.

In fact, I heard someone at the Y yesterday say something utterly stupid, but I forgot what it was (more reason why I need a parrot on my shoulder at all times to take notes for me). I want to make up a segment called something like “Who said it”. You can guess if it was an idiot or Shmuppie.

Speaking of idiots, can someone get me a map of Durham, NC? I need to find a nice public square. As I see it, the only way Mike Nifong can make it better for us is to go to that square with a length of rope and hang himself.

What a mess.

It’s horrible on about 47 levels. Here are 2:

1: The kids from the team who got charged and dragged through the mud really got fucked over. Their whole lives will be tainted because of this asshole’s stupidity. From what’s coming out, they knew early on that there was no evidence and that woman may have been making it all up. But, he pressed on. And…where are Jesse and Al? Weren’t they here to vilify and publicly shame the accused players? Where’d they go? Hello?

2: It sets a BAD precedent for women who actually are sexually assaulted. Hoe many women may stay quiet now because they just assume that their claims will be taken less seriously? That might actually be the worse part of all this. If a woman in Durham, or anywhere, fears coming forward with a report of an attack because of how this was bungled, Nifong really does deserve to hang.

Moving on now…

Things are quieting down here in the Kingdom.

BatShitCrazyPearl, however, is up to tricks again. Last week, she announced that she was no longer paying her dues because there were some weeds in front of her house. I ignored the whole mess, knowing we’d just fine the ever living shit out of her and eventually, she’d be forced to pay up or foreclose.

Yesterday, CrazyAnne was handing out fliers for yet another Community Watch program meeting when BatShitCrazyPearl came after her to announce, yet again, why she was not paying dues. CrazyAnne told her that when she piles rocks up in her front yard, it’s kinda hard for the landscapers to properly mow, and that maybe she should consider moving the piles of rocks. CrazyAnne (earning her name for the day) then told BatShitCrazyPearl that if she continued to not pay her dues, maybe we’d just shut off her water. While this isn’t entirely possible, it was meant as a scare tactic. BatShitCrazyPearl replied by saying “I’m from Africa. I can bathe in a bucket.”

Good times.

Also, /BatShitCrazyPearl seems to be running her daycare business again. She’s been told that if we see it, she’d be fined. Well, we’re now in the evidence gathering stage. I made RedNeckPam mad the other day when I wouldn’t start fining the other day. I explained that we need a nice pile of pictures of cars coming and going in the lot, blocking spaces and causing a mess and a log book of in and out times.

As I’ve said so many times before, this is one group of idiots fighting with another. It’s a lot of fun.

That’s about it. Life is quiet this week. Shmuppie has day camp this week and next and JewelrySlut has been going to the Y a lot to sweat to the oldies.

I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before something happens to give me a stomach ache.

by

I may have to change my name to something infinitely more powerful now

And I quote:


PropertyManagerLady,

If the letter dated June 4th of this year incorrectly identified tenants of 1778 OurStreet, I apologize. However, I do not feel that is the case.

Earlier in the week of May 27, a resident of 1776 OurStreet approached a member of the board to ask that he let the tenants of 1778 OurStreet into the pool. The residents of 1778 claimed that they were never supplied a pool key. Acting in good faith, the board member escorted the tenants of 1778, an adult female included, to the pool and admitted them. Within a matter of minutes, I was forced to leave my house (1730 OurStreet) and go to the pool to advise the tenants of 1778 that they were not to throw the pool safety equipment in the pool or at each other.

In the subsequent days, the same people, without the supervision of an adult, were often at the pool. During the time they were at the pool, they were loud, crude and disruptive. On several occasions, my wife, other residents of My Kingdom, and I had to reprimand the children. They were running on the pool deck, cursing at each other, and attacking each other with pool toys and safety equipment. Reprimands from adults at the pool were often met with profanity from the children.

On Friday June 1, the same children mentioned above were at the pool for much of the afternoon. I was working from home that day and my wife and daughter were at the pool for a while. The same behavior continued, and was so bad that my wife brought our daughter home. She preferred to stay home than subject our 5-year old daughter to the behavior and language that was being used by the children tenants of 1778 OurStreet.

During this time, I observed these same children “playing” with the gate and lock. I observed more people who I did not recognize from the community coming and going in and out of the gate without the use of keys. This made me suspicious that someone had vandalized the lock and gate. At approximately 6:00PM, I saw children riding bicycles around the pool deck. At this point, I went down there to stop them. I asked that they stop riding bicycles in the pool area. I also noticed that the gate and lock had been tampered with. When I asked the children present (without an adult to supervise them) if they had tinkered with the lock, I was cursed at. I then announced that I was locking the pool and that they had to leave. Again, I was met with a barrage of foul and racially motivated language.

Later that evening, I and another board member repaired the lock, taking time out of our evening and going through our homes to find the appropriate supplies.

On dates that followed, children from 1778 were observed coming and going in and out of the pool. They were also observed using electric outlets by the pool to charge their cell phones. I have been made aware through the grapevine that the electricity to 1778 has been cut. As a result of this “electricity theft”, we have capped off the outlet by the pool.

The behavior of this group of children, at the pool, as well as throughout My Kingdom has become problematic. The threat by the tenant of 1778 My Kingdom to file suit against members of the community, in my opinion, is as groundless as it is immature.

I will allow any fines levied against the property in regards to the incidents of June 1 to be dropped. However, the property manager for that unit must be made aware that the owners and residents of property in My Kingdom will no longer permit the tenants of 1778 OurStreet to behave like they have in the past. If they do not have a key to the pool, and have not been provided one by their owner or property manager, they will not be welcome to use it. If they are seen at the pool, they will be asked to leave. If they put up any resistance, either through words or physical action, the police will be called immediately to remove them.

Thank you,

NoGoodDaddy
President, My Kingdom Homeowners Association

I sent that on Thursday afternoon. Just now, I got this in my email:

PropertyManagerLady:

Based on the information I have received from NoGoodDaddy’s Kingdom Board members, yourself, and some of the residents at the property, we have decided to evict the tenant. My attorney will file papers at the Wake County Courthouse tomorrow and we should get a court date by the end of the month. I will urge the tenant to go ahead and move but I can’t guarantee that she will until she is forced to do so. Please do not spread the word to everyone that she is being evicted because I don’t want the tenant to hear it from neighbors, etc.

I would like to apologize to all of you who have had to endure such rudeness by our tenants at such a nice property!

I will keep you appraised of my progress with the eviction.

Thanks,

OtherPropertyManager.

What does this mean?

It means that I am the Fucking Boss.