Uh-duh-duh-duh

I’ve been really lazy lately.

Or, just busy with work. I’ve been on the phone too much. One day last week, my cordless actually lost its charge. That’s how long I had been on the phone. That’s not good.

I’m home for a 3 week stretch here so things are almost normal here at Casa NoGood. By Sunday the 12th, though, JewelrySlut will be ready to bid me adieu and send me packing. I can’t blame her. I’m an ass.

Life here in the kingdom is fun though. Let me recap:

Remember the people I got evicted? Well, the Sherriff’s department finally came to padlock the house because they had refused to leave. Well, that didn’t stop them. They broke into the house and are hanging out. Guess what the neighbors did? If you guessed “Called the police”, you were WRONG. They called CrazyAnne. She told me. I told her that I couldn’t care less.

I love these people.

Then, remember our botched attempt to set up a Community Watch program? I refused to be involved because I had enough else to do. Well, it seems that the block captain for the 2nd court is currently in jail. Good times! Last Wednesday, BigKelly called me to announce the padlocking of 1778. She had been trying to get in touch with Jeff, the block captain, but it didn’t seem that anyone was home.

So, Friday evening, CrazyAnne came over to dish. She was over to tell me that Jeff was in jail, apparently for drugs. Of course, Shmuppie was in the room so CrazyAnne insisted in speaking in some sort of Yokel Code. As it is, she is unable to complete a sentence without saying “Uh-duh-duh-duh” (her way of expressing something that she otherwise lacks the vocabulary to express), so the conversation was utterly un-followable.

It went like this “He was painting Brad’s house with another guy and uh-duh-duh, he was getting the other one back into drugs and uh-duh-duh-duh, he couldn’t make bail and was in jail uh-duh-duh-duh, so duh duh duh”

All the while, I was pouring my self an increasingly strong rum drink.

From what I could gather, Jeff (the new neighbor, block captain, and, according to his business card, “Brother in Christ Jesus”) was picked up for some sort of drug offense. He was in jail.

I giggled for about 57 reasons.

Saturday, we’re at the pool. CrazyAnne appears again. This time, she had been speaking to the Rev (also from the 2nd court…the owner of our recently-installed geyser) about what was going on with Jeff. It seems Jeff had a warrant out for his arrest from an overdue traffic violation from the other side of the state where he used to live. He was in jail because his wife could not make bail. The Rev gave the wife $125 for groceries but now wanted the Board to take action and start a fund for Jeff to get him out of jail. As I told CrazyAnne “I can’t get the bastards here to come pull weeds at the pool, I’m expected to get them to bail a stranger out of jail”.

Well, as far as I know at this point, Jeff is still my Brother in Christ Jesus. Only thing, he’s hanging with Jesus in jail.

When are we moving, you ask? We’re not sure, but sooner than later.

First things first though…
Last week, the board voted to have the buildings in my court repainted and to have our fences ripped down and rebuilt. Hello, $55,000 in repairs. Then, we’re kinda hoping I can extract a bonus from RedCompany this year. If I do, it goes to either paint the interior of the house or re-do the kitchen. Then, we’ll be ready to consider selling.

As I see it, I only want to live here another 2 years or so. What we wish we could do is lift the house out and move it elsewhere…like to a place where I don’t have to worry about lunatics calling me at all hours or having neighbors who claim that a $10/month dues increase will bankrupt them. These people make me crazy. But, we like the house.

It’s my birthday in 11 days. Ready?

Luckily for me, I’ll be in Bethesda, MD for the weekend at my brother’s wedding.

JewelrySlut and I can’t figure out what to get them. I mean, it’s marriage #5 if you count all their previous attempts. What do you get someone in such a situation? Money is no good, considering that they seem to have more than they know what to do with. I think I came up with something. I found an autographed DVD cover from the movie Overboard (starring Kurt Russell). I can also go to Chuck Norris’ website and get an autographed picture of him kicking ass. We may buy both, have them framed, and present that as a gift. I happen to think it’s cool.

Any thoughts?

Shit, I just got nothing.

Take another road to another time

Really, folks, I hope you enjoy my travel rants. I mean, it’s all I write about, but then you have adventures like I do, what else is there to say (or write).

Thursday:
I had a meeting at HealthCareRelatedCompany at 8:00 about this large project. The goon squad from RedCompany was coming in to finally present our bid. I had to pack up, get to HealthCareRelatedCompany and get clear across the campus for an 8:00. Good times. I’d spent the night before guiding in a guy from Canada. He was on the presentation team for the meeting and, naturally, had been delayed.

It was a silly day for me because I had a 1:35 flight out. I had to leave HealthCareRelatedCompany at 11:00 to get to EWR so I could get home for the baseball game.

We meet at 10:00, and at the stroke of 11, I leave.
I got to the car and started on my way.

Now, at 10:00, Continental told me my flight was on time. All I cared about was that it was not cancelled. I had a 3 hour cushion built into my day.

I dial them up and go through the process of yelling into the phone to get the voice recognition system to recognize me.
Me: 2261!
Them: I’m sorry. Did you say 2261?
Me: YES!
Them: Let me check… (time passes)…that flight has been cancelled.
Me: FUCK!

I hung up and called AmEx travel. I knew that Continental had already re-booked me; it was a matter of when. I didn’t want to deal with them. So, I went to the source.

Me: Hi, this is NoGoodDaddy, my flight just got cancelled. Where did Continental put me?
AmEx Guy: Well, they put you on the 6:45 flight.

Nope…that won’t do. I need to be home by dinner time. What’s happening (looking at a sunny sky)?

Newark got killed this morning. In fact, all of NYC did. Weather’s coming form the west and they’re cancelling flights in anticipation

What does American have?

Nothing. They cancelled everything too.

Shit. Delta from LaGuardia? Or even American from there?

Nothing and nothing. All cancelled. I can get you out on US Air, but it’s not leaving until 4:30 and you’d be lucky if it even left at all.

**This is all going on as I drive south. If I were to go to the 2 NYC airports, I had 2 decision points. I could take Route 4 to the bridge or stay the course and when I got to 80, stay on it. But, I needed to make a decision**

Damn…Kennedy? Anything on Jet Blue?

Well, there’s a 2:00 on Jet Blue, but it’s already showing 3:30 and…

And, if it doesn’t go, I’m stuck at JFK with no other real options to get home.

Yes sir.

**Here comes gut check time**

Philly? Southwest? How does PHL look?

Oh…that’s an option. PHL is, for some reason, clear. No delays at all.

I’ll try. What do you have?

There’s a 2:10.

***Mind you, it’s now 11:20 or so and I am…oh…120 miles from PHL. I need time at the airport and have a bit of a drive ahead of me. I also know that if I miss the flight, there are 3 more going to RDU and Southwest will let me move from flight to flight.**

Book it. Let’s go for it.

Blah Blah Blah…here’s your confirmation. Good luck sir.

And off I go. I call JewelrySlut as ‘m passing the Meadowlands to update her. I learn I have 109 miles to go. I also learn some hours later that JS looked at the map, looked at the clock, looked back at the map and said a prayer. She gave me the directions and a traffic update for the Turnpike and off I went.

Now, just 2 weeks prior, I was going 90 on 95 through South Carolina. But, this ain’t SC, this is NJ and I was in a car with out of state plates. I could not go above 75 or risk death by roadside execution. Fortunately, the road ahead was clear. I exited the Turnpike at Exit 3 and flipped out. Somehow, my EZ-Pass was gone. I’d had it when I got on the road, but now it was gone. I had to pull over to the side of the road and tear the car apart. It turns out that (naturally) my cell had dies along the way. So, when I plugged in the charger, I put the EZ-Pass in the little storage place in the dashboard. The same storage place that is as deep as the entire hood of the car. It had slid a good foot into the car. I never saw it slide away and had to pull it out. Thoroughly flustered, I made my way to PA.

I arrived at the airport at 1:00 on the nose for my 2:10. This was gonna be tight. I had to drop the car, get on the fucking bus, check in (sans boarding pass) and go through security.

I drop the car, get billed $529.22 for my troubles, and get on the bus. The driver decides it’s time to get off the bus and go on break. SHIT! In the old days of HealthCareRelatedCompany, I rented from Hertz. From Hertz, it was a 3 minute walk to the terminal. You can’t walk from National. I mean, you can, but you have to scale 3 fences and cross 47 lanes of traffic. Not good times.

We get to the terminal and I can see the line inside is a mile long. I do curbside check in. It only takes a minute and I actually allow myself time to breathe. It’s about 1:15. I can make it.

I bound up 2 flights of stairs and notice that the line for security is non existent. Sweet! I grab my boarding pass and my… I grab my pass and my…

WHERE’S MY PASSPORT! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PASSPORT!

My heart explodes and I realize I never got it back from the guy on the curb. I turn and start running down the stairs. Halfway, I spot him coming up the escalator with my passport.

I go back to the line. He comes to the top and yells to me that I’m in terminal E and that I need to go to D.

WHAT? The RDU flight never leaves from D. FUCK! It’s now 1:20. I run to D and my fears are realized. The line is eternal. The only hope I have is that I don’t see a guy who had been on the National bus with me. Since I don’t see him, I can assume it only took 10 minutes to go through the line. WRONG!

I can see my gate from the line.

1:40. The plane arrives. I’m not even properly on the line yet. I’m on the line that leads to the line. I clear the X-ray at 1:55.

I see they’re still not boarding. Since I’m in the C group, I know I have some time. I was OK. I went to the bathroom to pee and change into some shorts. Fearing the bathroom floor, I kept my shoes on. So, I go back to the gate in my dress shirt, tan shorts, black socks and black shoes. Oh yea…the ladies love me.

I managed to get my sandals on in time to step on the plane. I start down the aisle and see a window seat. It’s a miracle! I also see a fat Indian (with a dot, not a feather) in the aisle seat. I politely ask her if I can get in the row. She responds my tightening her seatbelt. (WTF?!?!). I ask again…she tightens more. I kinds heave my backpack over her and then kinds do a straddle/fall into the middle seat (thankfully empty) and scoot into the window seat.

We were wheels up at 2:30 and on the ground at 3:30.

I’d done the near-impossible. In 4 hours, I had left HealthCareRelatedCompany near the NY border, driven to PHL, checked on, gotten on a plane and flown to RDU.

Not something I recommend to anyone.

But, I made it home in time to change for the baseball game. The Biscuits won and we had a good time. JewelrySlut had her ego stroked several times, but we could not convince any biscuits to give her a hat.

We did manage to drink $14 worth of beer. It was $1 beer night, but they only serve it in 12 oz cups. Still, not a bad haul. I think we may get season tickets for next year. Or maybe a Thursday night package or something.

The weekend went well for the most part, but that’s a different episode.

I make it rain on them hoes

So this is a somewhat odd week for me here in NJ. The original plan was to have been for me to fly on Sunday night and come home on Wednesday night. I needed to be home for Thursday night. Then, of course, things changed and I flew up here on Monday. I now have a flight early on Thursday afternoon. I really have to be home by Thursday evening.

Why do I need to be home?

Let me tell you.

On Thursday, the Carolina Mudcats, our local AA affiliate of the proud Florida Marlins, host the Montgomery Biscuits, the AA affiliate for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Why do we care? Well, go have a look at Monty the Biscuit, the mascot. I mean, it’s an anthropomorphic biscuit. It’s got a pat of butter for a tongue! In any event, JewelrySlut became enamored with them as soon as we started scouting the Southern League for teams to see play the Mudcats.

In May, we were at a game with my father and checked the schedule to see when the Biscuits were in town. We saw that they were here this week. We also noticed that Thursday is $1 beer night. We also figured that if we bought the tickets in May, we’d get to sit wherever the hell we wanted. So, we have seats in Section 101; Row A, seats 1-3. Basically, the first 3 seats in the whole stadium. In addition to being right on the field and within earshot of home plate, you can lean through the screen into the visitor’s team dugout…for this game, the beloved Biscuits.

So, JewelrySlut went to the Biscuit Basket to do some shopping. Here’s where I need some help. Not help from just any reader; I need to call in the HOAR of all HOARS to help here. I mean, JewelrySlut needs help on how to tramp it up, and who better to ask than our resident tramp, right?

She bought a tight little t-shirt and a hat. We’re trying to figure out what she should wear under the shirt. It’s somewhat sheer, so it’s likely she’d be arrested were she to go out sans bra. If we were in NJ still, a black bra would be appropriately slutty, but, down South, things may be a bit different. She plans to lean through the hole in the fence, rub herself, and yell things like “Hey Biscuits. Can I see your balls?”

It’s gonna be good times.

Since there is also $1 beer, I may have to wet the girl down a bit.

Yea…I’m not exactly the most wonderfulest husband out there.

But, what can I say? Girlfriend’s been working out and looks good. The 18 months of working out at the Y have shown their dividends. She even went out a few weeks ago and bought a tiny little string bikini. Meeee-yow. It’s nice to be down at the pool and see my old lady wife looking hotter than the 18 year olds.

Things in the Kingdom are fairly ridiculous lately. I am ready to either just up and quit or list the house and move. In fact, if we had a way to move the house to another location, I think we’d do it immediately. The neighborhood’s getting on our nerves and the insanity of having to be El Jefe is getting to me.

Here’s what’s happened to me lately:
A few weeks ago, BatshitCrazyPearl called me at dinner time. Her deck needed a repair, and I was apparently supposed to go to her house to fix it. I had to explain that it wasn’t up to me to fix her deck. She didn’t want to hear anything from me. I was supposed to go over there with a hammer and nails and get fixin’. I was also told that this had to be done before the end of July because she was having a party. I think she’s having her family over here from Africa. I plan to take pictures of this, because if I’m lucky, this will turn into a scene from Coming to America. I can only hope!

Then, a few minutes later, the phone rings again. It’s the Rev’s wife. Apparently, they have a water problem and need to know if I can fix it. I quickly changed my clothes after JewelrySlut reminded me of what happened the last time I was at the Rev’s house. Last time I was there, I got showered in shit. It was nice.

So, I run over and notice a lovely geyser spouting out of their front yard. That was awesome. It seems they had some jackass named Wayne over there installing a backflow valve to the sewer cleanout line to prevent any backups (like the one that showered me in shit or flooded my house). Well, Wayne was real smart-like and sawed through the cleanout line…and the house’s water main. Hence the geyser and front yard swimming pool that was in the process of forming. Keeping in mind that the Rev has become a drug-addicted old fool, this was even more fun. When we called the city to get someone out to shut the water off form the street, he couldn’t remember his address nor could he provide directions to his house. The city came and shut off the water. Our water is shared by the community, the HOA pays for it. So, to shut off the water to one home, you have to kill the whole court. No sooner than the water was shut off, doors started popping open. I had to go house to house explaining to people that the Rev had severed the water main and that things would be back to normal shortly. They wanted to know exactly when the water would be back on. Me saying “I don’t have a clue” was apparently the wrong answer. While this is going on, Mrs. Rev came out to let us know that she had no water in the house. “Barbara…you have no water because Wayne here (pointing to the gaping hole in their yard) cut your water line. Remember?” I think she’s been in his pills.

I must digress:
I just went to the can to pay rent on my coffee. I walk into the bathroom, and standing at the sinks is a man. His pants and boxers are around his ankles.
I go to pee and there’s a guy in the stall sending text messages.
Whatever happened to going into the bathroom, taking a leak, washing up and then leaving?

I actually wrote this earlier today and never posted it. I have to add this:

I was on a conference call from 3-5 and someone said this “BAPS is part of IW but it’s also on DBCCC2″

And, then just because Jesus hates me, my phone rang at dinner. It was BrownJason. He left me a voicemail to let me know it was raining.

Thanks.

I need to go to bed now

I should be writing more.

But, I kinda went on writing vacation last week in addition to going on pseudo-vacation to FLA.

The trip to FLA went well enough. We all saw the fun that was had at South of the Border. I managed to buy Andria a wonderful souvenir. I just need to get back home, pack it up and mail it to 123 Hoar Blvd, Slutland CA.

But, FLA’s an odd place; especially when you’re out in retiree land like we were.

I can’t see myself ever retiring to FLA and living like they do down there. I can see myself still here writing crappy things with poor spelling, but never wandering the world looking for a deal on lunch.

Here’s a typical day down there:
8:00 – wake up and start coffee pot
8:15 – start eating breakfast
8:30 – start discussing lunch
12:00 SHARP – eat lunch
12:02 – Start discussing dinner
5:00 – go to dinner
5:15 – start discussing breakfast
8:00 – turn on TV WAY too loud and watch hideous old-time movie
9:00 – go to bed

On Wednesday morning, I was in our room doing something on the computer. It was 9:21. The discussion from the kitchen was about what time we should eat lunch because I needed to be fed before I went to the airport. I walked into the kitchen and exclaimed “It’s 9:20. Stop talking about food!”

This, of course, was not to be confused with our arrival. We rolled to their house at about 1:30 on Saturday. The first topic of discussion was lunch. I hid in our room and unpacked while JewelrySlut got stuck with a sandwich.

The food is unrelenting.

Then, we drive to Clearwater Beach on Tuesday.

Oh Jesus.

We let JewelrySlut’s father drive.

Bad Idea.

Real bad idea.

I mean…really bad.

Several times I thought we were about to die. I ended up driving home because we all agreed that we didn’t want to die. It was bad. He was all over the road.

JewelrySlut and I are a bit worried about him. He seems old. I mean, he is old, but he’s never acted old before now. It’s kinda scary. JewelrySlut is a little concerned and I can’t say I blame her at all.

I was happy to leave on Wednesday and go home to the relative insanity of work. The girls left on Friday afternoon and got home on Saturday afternoon. They had a mostly-OK trip except for the part when Shmuppie projectile vomited in a restaurant bathroom on Friday night. Good times!

I got to spend a few odd nights at home by myself. That was kinda fun and more than a little strange. I’m never alone in the house. But, it was OK. I didn’t mind the quiet.

The ladies got home, as I mentioned, on Saturday and we had an enjoyable rest of the weekend. We went to the pool Saturday afternoon and then again on Sunday. Since I’d done the food shopping for the week on Saturday morning, we truly had nothing to do. It was very nice.

I have a great many tales to tell about life in the Kingdom. Maybe I’ll use my time of solitary hotel confinement this week to get them all written down.

And…because who loves you?

Wait…wrong picture. I meant to post this one:





Kisses!

Like Flies to shit

We had to stop here again. I mean, how could we not stop?

It smells like pee on top of the tower

Since I don’t have my good link to my picture upload thing, this will have to suffice. I did some good graffiti-ing up there as you can see. I think if you click on the link, you see the full image. I don’t know anymore. This whole internet thing scares me sometimes.

And, leave comments (if anyone will) on the main page, not the image page…again…I’m still confused.