All quiet on the Tarheel Front

I feel I should have something to say abut anything, shouldn’t I?

Thanksgiving went well. ChurchBomber and MerlotMan arrived on Wednesday afternoon and we started demolishing alcohol more or less right away.

In advance of the week, we’d stocked up:
1 case of Fossi Bianco (6 1.5L bottles of medium-cheap white wine)
1 case of Fossi Roso (6 1.5L bottles of medium-cheap red wine)
3 Zinfandels
3 Beaujolais Nouveaus
2 Rieslings

As of Sunday night, all we had left was 1 Nouveau and 2 of the Rosos. We also drank a Cabernet that I had been saving for roughly ever. That’s basically 28 regulation-sized bottles of wine spread amongst 4 people all consumed in a little over 4 days. And, I went dry on Sunday to start recovering.

It’s fun to watch how Wednesday unfolds at out house on Thanksgiving week.

MerlotMan and ChurchBomber sit at the table and watch JewelrySlut and I whirl around in the kitchen. Usually, JewelrySlut has afternoon duty. That’s when she makes the apple pies (Pumpkin and coconut had been made on Tuesday). I do food prep for my evening of side-dish cooking.

We trade off spots in the kitchen and I make the chestnut and sausage stuffing, the cornbread dressing (doesn’t go in the turkey) and the sweet potato pudding. JewelrySlut returns later on to make the cranberry sauce. It wasn’t bad; we wrapped up by about 9:30. Back in NJ, this affair would often continue well past midnight.

On Thursday morning, I got the bird stuffed, lubed and in the oven. The rest of the day went off without a hitch. Everything came out of the oven on time and the turkey was flawless. Things went well.

Basking in my success, I drank too much and got silly drunk.

I technically had to work on Friday, so I didn’t start imbibing until about 2:00. I made my stock and then my gumbo and then proceeded to drink too much.

Saturday was occupied with football and wine.

Sunday offered more football, but no wine for me.

Yesterday, I sent ChurchBomber and MerlotMan home.

The house is back to normal and all is well.

There’s not really much else going on. Shmuppie is doing well at school, I’ve been home a lot from work (a good thing I guess), the Homeowner’s Association is mostly under control and JewelrySlut remains sexy and full of lust for me.

Not too much else to ask for, is there?

An open letter to Mr. Iracane

Mr. Iracane,

As I mentioned in my email, I would like very much to be a commenter on Deadspin. I feel I am deserving of the honor and would like to prove my mettle against the utter genius that resides there.

I have a nice little link to the site over to the right. Carl and I go way back.

I own a YWML shirt and have been known to wear it proudly while out of the country.

I used to live in NJ and graduated from Rutgers. I feel that should count for something.

I am the father of an adorable little girl who also happens to be amazingly strange. If I do nothing but post quotes from her as comments, I’ll do just fine on the site.

I appreciate the time you have spent considering my merits. I am sure that my friends here at will happily back me up and say loving things about my talent as a writer. (Assholes…this is where you say nice things about me).

Thank you and best of luck.


Did I just run your kid over? My bad.

I had a Board meeting last night. It was fun.

Last month, we’d had some…issues…in our parking lot that resulted in the police coming to visit a pair of feuding neighbors 3 times in 5 days.

side rant
When did it become OK to just call the police because you and your neighbor can’t get along? I see that all the time here and it baffles me. People around here can’t have civilized discussions. They immediately call the police. Inevitably when this happens, my doorbell rings because the cops are given my name. They come and explain that there’s nothing they can do if 2 adults don’t feel like acting like adults. I thank them for coming out and apologize for wasting their time. As I told another neighbor recently “Low Class knows no color”.
/side rant

Anyway…on a Friday, someone pulled into the parking lot with their stereo blasting. I heard none of this probably because I was down here in my cave on a conference call. Neighbor 1 apparently approached Neighbor 2 (whose nephew had the car) and asked that it be turned down or off. I was told the response was “Go fuck yourself”. Good times! This led to a call to the police.

On Sunday, kids from Neighbor 2 were playing football in the parking lot (something they have been told about 47 million times not to do). They bounced the ball of Neighbor 1′s car. N1 (Abbreviations will now take over) talked to the kid and went to talk to N2. N2, instead of acting civilized, apparently sent her boyfriend outside to kick N1′s ass. The cops were called.

This led to N2 and his wife to come to my house to complain. I told them N1 has received notices about the kids playing and that we’d address it. An hour later, the police were at my door and calling me Richard. I don’t know who the fuck Richard is.

That Monday, we sent N1 a letter notifying her that this was her 3rd violation and that a hearing had been set.

The cops were back a few hours later.

Fast forward to the end of that week. ShortCarol got the following email from N2.

This is in reference to the letter I received concerning the violation fo N2
1744 OurStreet (MyKingdom).
This action is so bias in my opinion.
I do need to talk to the board members concerning this matter and to state my CASE…….
11/13 is a big inconvenience for me because I go to school………………………………………
however, Thurs 11/1 @ 5pm will work fine or anytime on a Saturday.

If you can translate that for me, I’d appreciate it.
So, we had our meeting last night. N2 was there with her boyfriend.

I outlined why we were here and what had led to the hearing (namely that her bastard (in the literal sense actually) children continued to play in the parking lot and that it had to stop because it was now officially a major nuisance). I explained that CrazyAnne and I had asked her kids to play elsewhere on several occasions over the past year and that they had not listened. I also explained how nearly every time her kids play in the parking lot, my doorbell rings and that it had to stop.

Her response was epic.
She stated that ever since she moved in (about a month after us), she’s been regretting it because this is a horrible community in which to raise children. (She’s got 3 sons ranging from 9 – 17 or so). She feels they have no place to play and they can’t go outside. She doesn’t understand why her kids can’t play in the parking lot. She also said there’s nowhere else for them to play.

I responded by telling her it’s not like she owned a farm with several acres for her kids to run around in and it was suddenly paved into townhouses. She had to see what the neighborhood looked like when she moved in. I also mentioned that there are common areas for kids to run amok in behind her house, alongside her house, behind my house, behind CrazyAnne’s house and on our pathetic tennis courts. I said that I have a young child and that she doesn’t need to play in the parking lot to have fun.

I was told that the community is fair for 5-year olds, but not teenagers. I looked at her quizzically.

I suggested they play on the tennis courts and was told that they’re too messy (they’re kinda dumpy for a million reasons, but they’re flat and open). I suggested, as I do to all people, that they pick up a rake and do something. I offered them one of mine. They refused, stating that the Board should fix them.

CrazyAnne mentioned the inherent un-safeness in playing in the parking lot. Several people (N2 included) race around the parking lot like it’s Le Mans. She said there’s enough room for her kids to dodge the cars if they need to.

I mentioned that on more than one occasion, her kids have bounced footballs or bikes off of my car and that I’d really prefer that not happen.

So, like any immature, low-class, asshole, she announced that her kids would never again leave the house because she fears getting letters. I told her that she was more than welcome to do so but it was completely unnecessary. I stated, rather simply, that if there’s pavement, the kids should not play on it. If it’s not paved, it’s OK.

Then, she stormed off and left.

I put my head down on the conference table and wept for a minute.

I love this job.

So, here’s today’s Shmuppieism:
Last night at dinner, she was babbling instead of eating.

Shmuppie: Today at school, we read If You Give a Moose a Muffin. Then, our teacher gave us wieners. They had blueberries on them


She says it…I post it

I haven’t written in a while. Not because there’s been nothing going on, but more because I haven’t been home.

But, I’m home for a while now.

From the mouth of our pal, Shmuppie:

This was from this past Sunday. The night before, Shmuppie had gone to my parents’ house to stay over. JewelrySlut and I had needed a night out on the town. Instead, we went to a sushi joint in Wake Forest that was slightly disappointing. I digress:

Shmuppie: Last night when Grammy woke up in the morning. Yesterday and I was still asleep
Me and JewelrySlut: (reach for wine glasses)

After dinner, it was bath time. As usual, we debated who would be bathing the child. She didn’t want me to do so. Wanna know why?

Shmuppie: Daddy shakes my head too shaky and it bangs my teeth.

At some point, we were yelling at the kid about “pushing”. Andria now knows about pushing. Do you all know about pushing?

I’ll just paste in the email I send Andria. We were discussing pushing because she was recently on the Right Coast and threatened to come and visit next time. Hell, she may just come.

On Nov 10, 2007 9:53 AM, NoGoodDaddy wrote:

Come on down. You and the kid can sit together, watch Dora and push.
You do a lot of pushing I imagine

From: Andria
To: NoGoodDaddy
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 11:24:04 AM
Subject: Re: so?

I am going to assume that is some sort of reference to the fact that your kid has figured out the best way to fuck with you is to keep shitting herself instead of doing it on the big girl potty. She is a genius.

On Nov 12, 2007 6:57 AM, NoGoodDaddy > wrote:

pushing = masturbating

From: Andria
To: NoGoodDaddy
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 10:40:59 PM
Subject: Re: so?

You goddamned sicko. How does pushing = masturbating?

NoGoodDaddy > wrote:

Ok…say you’re 5 (and a girl)
(I can’t believe we’re about to have this conversation)
You lie on your stomach…put your hands between your legs and…well…push.
As the kid says “Pushing makes my ha ha feel good”

I went through all that because at some point this past weekend, Shmuppie announced “I push because that’s my job to do that”

And, lastly…

From yesterday:
Shmuppie (Said to JewelrySlut): Well, you have freckles, so that makes you a polka-dot leper.

I got nothing.

Since we’re all over the map, here are some pictures. Shmuppie got these gummy teeth things for Halloween.
Well, look at the other side. Needs pushing if you ask me.
I should go now, CrazyAnne’s at the door, painters are unloading paint in our parking lot and the crazy slobs next door want me to help them lower a table off their deck.

And, I have to prep for a board meeting tonight where one of my neighbors will accuse me of being racist. I can’t wait.