I hope today goes better

Let’s discuss yesterday.

On Saturday, we moved all the plants into the greenhouse and JewelrySlut was happier than a clam. Not a mussel, mind you, a clam.

(Side rant)
Tanya, as we know, is an ass.
Why now?
Regarding my pissedoffness about not being able to find mussels: Jesus you’re a picky little bitch, aren’t you?”
This is like ordering a steak and being offered chicken instead. Same thing…in the sense that it’s not at all the same in any way.
I hate her. I hate Andria more though.
(End rant)

So, greenhouse is assembled and the plants are in it. My little temperature/humidity sensor was in place and I was tracking data like a madman. JewelrySlut pruned and weeded her plants and we danced in the living room (which no longer looked like the botanical gardens).

Then, the rains came.

Much Needed Rain, I’ll add.

Well, we woke up on Sunday and I quickly realized that I should have stayed in bed until 2009.

(Side rant)
Shmuppie has been sleeping in the guest room for about a month now. She was supposed to have gotten a bed from my parents for Christmas. At this point, it’s looking more and more like an Epiphany gift. Bed hasn’t arrived yet. Anyway, on Saturday night, we went to drain her at about 11:00 as we always do when we realized that she’d managed to piss through her diaper (she tells me it’s a pull-up. I tell her that if you piss in it, it’s a diaper), her PJ’s, the sheets, the mattress pad and onto the mattress itself. HOORAY for no bladder control. So, we had to field strip the bed at 11:00 and line it with beach towels.
(End rant)

So, it’s Sunday and JewelrySlut comes downstairs and checks her plants. It’s pouring outside. She steps into the greenhouse and the carpet squishes.
JewelrySlut: Carpet’s wet
Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Now, it’s not like we just put carpet on the deck and walked away. We battened down the plastic skirt on the outside of the greenhouse and then made sure that the plastic flooring we put down overlapped the inner skirt of the greenhouse. The damn thing was watertight. Or so we thought. I started inspecting it and saw that in every place where there was a seam or fabric patch (to attach the poles), water was pouring in. I found the worst offenders and duct-taped them. Those leaks slowed, but the others only grew angrier.

The plants are back in the house.

Then, I was using JewelrySlut’s laptop to look up advice on how to deal with the greenhouse when Windows decided that it wanted her to compact her outlook messages. Like an ass, I decided to do it.

WHAM.

That was officially the end of my good day. OE went insane and blew up. Bu the time her computer restarted (after a blue screen of death flashed past), all her email was gone. I spent the better part of the next 6 hours trying to restore her email. The good thing is that I can find and have backed up all of her old messages. I just can’t get OE to recognize them. I’ve tried everything. I pointed OE at a new folder to find the messages, I tried to import messages, I tried to uninstall and reinstall OE, I downloaded, I swore, I screamed.

Nothing. I’m running out of ideas, but have a few things left to try. I think I’m going to take her messages and put them on the home computer, open up her profile on it and point OE to a new location to find them. Then, maybe if they import OK, I can export them to a different location, save those and then reload them to the laptop.

If not, I may just cry.

Sometimes I really hate Bill Gates.

Then, the hits kept coming. We had to go grocery shopping. Of course, between here and Kroger, the rain reached “Noah” levels. And, to make it more funner, we had Skippy the Retard bag our stuff. One. Item. Per. Bag. In fact, we even got some empty bags. All good times in the pouring rain (not in the store…it has a roof…that was more of a parking lot and unloading comment). The best part was when the box holding 40lbs of kitty litter broke. Luckily it didn’t burst the inner lining when it fell or else the whole planet would have heard me. And, during this, Shmuppie was her usually retarded self.

On the way home:
Me: When we get home, you are to go straight into the house. Do not stop just inside the door. Do not stop by the table. Do not lie on the floor. Do not shit on the floor.

Shmuppie (Showing that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) Can I go peepees on the floor?

JewelrySlut: (Grabs the rum bottle that she apparently keeps in my car.)

Once we were home, I had to cook dinner. In the end, I made a lovely Mexican chicken stew, but the journey there was rough. I lost the ability to use spring loaded tings, nearly throwing chicken all over the place in the process. I also learned (the hard way), that you should not remove the blade from a Cuisinart until AFTER the sauce has been poured out of it.

After dinner, I had a few drinks and everything was OK. JewelrySlut took care of me.

Speaking of her.
Reason 398 why she’s the best.
My Christmas card

Front panel: A reindeer girl is on a stripper pole with Rudolph (in a short sleeved dress shirt) and an elf watching.
Rudolph: Jingle those bells, Baby! Woo!
The bottom of the card reads: Why they call her “Vixen”

Inside: Merry Christmas
JewelrySlut added: I’d like to lick your peppermint stick and swing around your pole (I’m talking about your penis)
Love,
JS
(emphasis on the “S”)

I’m telling you. I have no idea how I managed to luck out like this.

So, on to today.
2007 draws to an end, and I don’t think I’ll miss it.

Do I have resolutions? I don’t know. More like goals:
Travel less for work
Travel more for fun
Work a lot less (like not when on “vacation”)
Have more time outside of work (see above)
Qualify for Marriott Gold (Need 50 nights…hard when I plan to travel less, but I have a plan to travel less and still get my nights)
Get the kid to stop pissing the bed
Slow down
Write more.

That’s it. Happy New Year, all 2 of you!

Holiday Recap

We’re still here. Let’s recap:

Friday:
NoGoodMother called. SecretAgentBrother, SIL and her kid were in town and she wanted to know if we wanted to come over for dinner. Let me think…we’d be seeing you all on Saturday, Monday and Tuesday. Did we want to see you on Friday?

No.

We stayed home and prepared cookie dough for Saturday’s baking.

Saturday:
I have no idea what we did all day. I think we did some last minute shopping. I seem to remember a trip to the wine store. At some point, we made cookies. Then, we washed up and loaded up the car to go to M&K’s house. We actually had a nice time. They’d done a great job decorating the new house and put out a good spread. The family behaved (mostly because I said and drank very little). But, it was loud and we spent the evening watching YouTube videos of Iraqi insurgents getting blasted by helicopters. We had to get home at a decent hour to get Shmuppie to bed.

Sunday:
We had shopping to do. Since we had to go up the road for both the 24th and 25th, and we knew the food would likely suck, we decided to do our own special dinner on Sunday. Of course, this meant that we had to venture out into what I am now calling the Gastronomic Black Hole.

We needed spinach for the 25th because, suddenly, we had been placed in charge of all the side dishes for dinner (more on this later). To the Farmer’s Market we went. That went well. Then, we needed regular groceries. We also needed food for dinner; shrimp, scallops, mussels. Well, Kroger had some pallid looking shrimp and some oozy scallops. Not a mussel to be seen. Not surprised, we decided to run to Harris Teeter on the way home. They had shrimp and scallops, but no mussels. I asked if they had any in the back, and the guy offered me clams. Um…Mr. Fishmonger….a clam is NOT THE SAME THING AS A MUSSEL!

By now, I was depressed. I was also pissed off and prepared to drive to Maine (or wherever the fuck mussels come from) to get them.

We went to Fresh Market and waded back to the fish counter. There, I saw a measly bag of mussels. It had maybe a pound in it. I asked the man in a whimpering tone if he had any more. He did, and I bought them. I also picked up the shrimp and scallops. Suddenly, life was good.

We spent the afternoon watching me cruise to victory in one fantasy league and drop a heartbreaker in the finals of another. All in all, I went 23-4 in the regular season of 2 leagues. Not bad.

As the afternoon wore on, I paraded out a variety of snackables and wine. We had a good time just lazing around.

Dinner (recipe in the recipes section) was lovely. JewelrySlut and I ate too much and were happy. We drank wine and probably had sex. I really only barely remember.

Monday:
Fuckall…I had to work. I was taking one for the team and was one of 2 people working. I gave up at about 1:00. We had to get ready to go up the road.

Beforehand, we’d laid down the law about Christmas Eve. We would not be there all night. Shmuppie had to get home so we could prepare for Santa. This made my father mad. We’d also learned that my mother was not cooking. SecretAgentBrother would be cooking. He had mentioned on Saturday that he’d bought an octopus.

Well, we got there and SecretAgentBrother was trying to cook up a storm. The kitchen at my parents’ house is huge but is horrible. There’s a lot of room, but none of it is useful. SecretAgentBrother and SIL were trying to cook and making a mess out of things. JewelrySlut and I tried to eat some snacks. We knew that we needed to fill up early. Shmuppie immediately went up to the 3rd floor where her cousin (Step cousin?) was playing Halo on his X-Box. Shmuppie spent the evening trying to play Halo. I think she ran into walls a lot and got eaten by bugs.

Dinner came. He’d made the octopus (surprisingly good, but a little oily), eggplant parm, fried calamari (too salty), clams in sauce and spaghetti. I nibbled at a little of all of it. It wasn’t very good. I felt bad because SecretAgentBrother really tried hard. He had bad tools and a bad kitchen. My father gave us shit all night and then we finally went home.

We put the kid to bed (needing a taser to get her to sit still and get her pajamas on) and got the gifts out. We had some champagne and sat in the dark next to our tree. It was peaceful and nice.

Tuesday:
Because she’d been up late, Shmuppie slept until 8:00. AWESOME!
I crept downstairs and plugged in the giant inflatable snowglobe that Santa had left on the deck. Shmuppie came downstairs, saw it, and freaked out.

We came down here to the basement and more freaking out ensued. She was far happier than last year. The kid might be a retard, but she’s also smart. She decided that, this year, Santa would decide what she would get. She got a fish tank, some board games, a drawing pad for her V-Smile video game system, a Magic Kingdom play set and other shit.

I did well. I got some books, a new box grater, new underpants, a Jimmy CD/DVD, a new fancy weather station, and other goodies. It was good. Js got her greenhouse, some fancy drawers and stuff from Victoria’s Secret, a bunch of DVD’s and CD’s, and an assortment of teas. All was well.

Then, the fun ended. We needed to start cooking. It had been decided at the end of the evening before that we would be taking the prime rib home to season and pre-cook. We had ZERO confidence in my mother’s ability to cook it properly. We realized this when I asked her how she planned to season it and she had no answer. So, I made a horseradish crust for it and it kicked ass. I also made a potato gratin that was artery-clogging and delicious. We brought the spinach with us and JewelrySlut and I did dueling saut‚ pans to make it.

My mother micro-waved sweet potatoes.

Dinner, minus the sweet potatoes, was very good.

We also opened gifts.

I got a book. It’s something like “10,000 Answers to Odd Questions”. That’s what my parents got me for Christmas. That’s it.

JewelrySlut got some clothes and Shmuppie got her new bed (yet to be delivered).

I got a book I’ll never open.

I proceeded to get wasted. It was so bad that I gave JewelrySlut the keys to drive home. We got home and put the kid to bed. We sat up for a while and then had raucous sex.

Wednesday:
I was hung-over.

Happy Holidays, folks!

Holiday Rants and Raves

Strap in

Topics for discussion:
Movies
Bug Zapper
Holidays
Homeowner’s Association Madness

Movies:
JewelrySlut is being mean to me. There are 3 movies I want to see that I have been told I am not allowed to see. I may not see them because they have been deemed stupid and worthless.

National Treasure 2: Or, as I call it, Treasure Bath. Shit, I loved the first one. It was stupid enough to keep me amused and worked in a little history. It was way too much fun.

I am Legend: Will Smith! Vampires! Those 2 things mean I may not see the movie.

And, the winner of them all. When I saw Transformers (a movie I was only allowed to see because JewelrySlut and Shmuppie were in FLA at the time), this movie’s preview showed. Of course, at the time, it was title-less and was only known as 1-18-08. Now it has a name and it shall be Cloverfield. I need me some Cloverfield. Like Andria needs Migrant Worker Cock, I need that movie.

Before our holiday party at work, we had to answer a survey. We played a little game in which we had to match answers to people we work with. It was actually quite fun. We had to list our 3 favorite movies. Here’s what I answered:

1 Star Wars
2 Rounders
3 Anything else that my wife won’t let me watch because it includes any of the following: space ships, robots, lasers, Mars, giant insects, giant laser-equipped robotic insects, mummies, mummies with lasers, robotic mummies, female frontal nudity.

Need I explain why Starship Troopers was the perfect movie? I will argue this point to the death. I have scientific proof that it was the perfect movie. It hit all the required elements: lasers, spaceships, evil insects, Neil Patrick Harris, Boobies.

(This is where I drop the keyboard and just walk away. That’s right. I’m done and you got nuttin, suckah)

Bug Zapper:
Earlier this summer, we started discussing these things at work. So, we looked for a while, and, through Deadspin (of all places), found a link to a site where we could buy these. (Canadians can buy them, but it’s hard to find them for sale in the US. But, that’s not anywhere near a reason to want to be a Canadian. Canadians suck.) It’s what it looks like. It’s an electrified tennis racquet. You charge it up and swat bugs with it. We’d seen them on St, John and they’re spectacular. If you have enough juice in it, the bug explodes.

So, I have one now. A coworker shipped me one. So, I put in the batteries and charged it up. It whistles!

Last night, JewelrySlut was lying on the coach with a foot out. I walked over and tried to zap her foot. Since she had a sock on, nothing happened. We figured it might not work well. I approached her hand. I held it over her hand and just stood there. She gave me one of her looks.

Look be damned!

ZAP!

It was loud and the ensuing spark was huge. JewelrySlut screamed. Me? I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself.

Will there be revenge? Will it be painful and possibly involve my nuts? Yes.

Will it be worth it?

Hell yea.

Holidays:
They’re baaaaaaack. And, by that, I mean my family. We had 2 years down here to enjoy ourselves. Now, it’s back to the holidays I remember so un-fondly. Yelling…bad food…yelling…anger…drunken rants…anger…open hostility.

YAY!

Currently, SecretAgentBrother, SIL and the older of her 2 kids are driving here from DC. We’ve been drafted into a dinner on Saturday at M&K’s house (M&K are friends of my brother who moved in with my parents before buying a house in a decidedly sketchy part of Raleigh). We might escape Sunday on our own. I plan to cook for us that night because, after then, it’s bad food time.

On the 24th, I thankfully have to work. So, we won’t head up the road until about 4. And since Shmuppie needs to get to bed at a decent hour (lest Santa not come), we have to leave before 8. It will suck, but only for 4 hours.
At my parent’s house will be:
Them
The 3 from DC
The 3 of us
4 dogs

I suspect we will have a horrible time.

Then, we get to go back on Christmas. My mother plans to ruin a prime rib for the occasion? Why not have them here, you ask?

A few reasons. Our house is not large enough for the masses. Yes, we have space enough for them all, but not enough rooms and TV’s. Everyone needs a room and TV to his or herself and we lack the space. And, my mother doesn’t like to come here. She may have to look at a black person if she did.

(sidebar)
Yesterday was Shmuppie’s little class holiday performance. My mother attended.

Some notes on Shmuppie’s class. There are 19 kids. 5 are white. There’s only one little boy who’s white. We don’t have a problem with it. In fact, it’s probably a good thing for Shmuppie to be in such a diverse class. But, we have kids with interesting names. Like, a boy named Dakota. Or a girl named Jurni. (I happen to think this was meant to be “Journey”, but Moms couldn’t spell right) There’s also an Onyi and some other strange shit. Well, Dakota sits near Shmuppie. My mother observed, quite loudly in her NJ/Italian voice (Imagine the worst of the Sopranos women) that she can’t tell who’s who because some of the names really can be for boys or girls. JewelrySlut and I feared for our lives.

My mother is awful

(end sidebar)

Anyway…back to the holiday fiasco. We’ll be going there on back to back days. Just like old times in NJ. We’re not happy.

Homeowner’s Association shit:
It’s bad. I may have to quit and just become another asshole who complains about stuff.

On Sunday, during dinner, I had to field a call from a neighbor who wanted a car towed because it had parked in his numbered spot. Grow up and let it be? No. We need to tow the car and bother me.

Our property Manager seems to be holding back payment to contractors. So, they come to my hose to look for money.

BatShitCrazyPearl is well…BatShitCrazy. I hate her and hope she dies in childbirth.

Our property manager raised our dues for 2008. She raised them to an amount that we can’t find a reason behind, did it without Board approval, and failed to notify the community. This is bad because we had planned to raise them even more. Now, we’re fucked.

And, we’re running out of money.

And, I have no tolerance for any of this.

So…that’s it. That’s NoGoodDaddy’s Holiday Bonanza. I may be back before Christmas, but I may not.

Like you fucking care.

It’s time to make fun of the local paper again

You know it’s that time again…it’s time to bash the News and Observer, Raleigh’s newspaper.

This came from the N&O’s website.

From Staff Reports
Bundle up.

We’re in for the coldest temperatures of the season tonight, the National Weather Service says.

The Weather Service forecast calls for an overnight low of 24 degrees in Central North Carolina, which includes the Triangle. Most areas will be at freezing or lower for 12 to 13 hours tonight, according to the Weather Service.

The region hasn’t experienced such widespread cold temperatures since mid-February.

Temperatures during the day are expected to reach a high of only 47 degrees — below the normal high of 53 degrees for the date.

Tuesday also is likely to be chilly, with a high of 50 degrees. Look for a warm-up for the remainder of the week, with forecast highs of 57 on Wednesday, 58 on Thursday and 56 on Friday.

The Weather Service also forecasts a 50 percent chance of rain on Thursday and a 30 percent chance on Friday. But the rainfall is not expected to erase a rainfall deficit that has left the entire state in the grip of record-setting drought.

Winter starts Saturday. The forecast for that day: Partly sunny, with a high near 57.

Let’s look this over:

“The Weather Service forecast calls for an overnight low of 24 degrees in Central North Carolina, which includes the Triangle. Most areas will be at freezing or lower for 12 to 13 hours tonight, according to the Weather Service.”

What? The time between day and night equals between 12 and 13 hours? Who the hell knew?

“The region hasn’t experienced such widespread cold temperatures since mid-February.”
Shocking. Seeing as it’s been Spring, Summer and Fall for pretty much all of the time since then. I’m astounded that it hasn’t been that cold.

“a high of only 47 degrees”

Reason 43628098 to love NC (It’s December 17)

“But the rainfall is not expected to erase a rainfall deficit that has left the entire state in the grip of record-setting drought.”

Let’s see…while flying over Falls Lake this morning, I didn’t see any water. So, the paper feels the need to explain that the rainfall is not enough to replace the roughly 47 billion gallons needed to fill it back up halfway? I’d never have known.

“Winter starts Saturday.”

Thanks. If we’re playing the “Let’s be obvious” Game, let me add one “You are an asshole”

Back to the Island

That’s right, bitches. Look up there! See it? We’re booked and going back. I get to spend another birfday on island! I am awesome.

What else is awesome (and full of suck at the same time)?

Delta Airlines.

Full of suck because they’re being douches and not releasing many low-mileage-usage fares for those of us with warchests of frequent flyer miles. I guess they don’t have to release the cheap fares (seeing as they don’t make any money on them), but come on, assholes. Be nice to me!

Awesome because they released some low-mileage first class fares. Let me ask you this? If you knew that it would cost you 30,000 miles to get home from St. Thomas in coach or first class, what are you doing?

I believe we can all go reference this post to see just how I feel about 1st Class. Since JewelrySlut grew up as a migrant farmer (she did go to public school after all), she’s never flown in 1st Class. She’s stoked. It’s only the trip back, but it will do.

We’re also staying an extra day because Delta isn’t getting us to St. Thomas until after 3:00 in the afternoon. As we’ve seen here, one must want to go to St. John to get there. We figure that if we land at 3:18PM, as scheduled, we’re not setting foot on St. John much before 6:00PM. That gives us time to go to JJ’s for drinks, but we lose a whole day. So, I used some points and we’re staying here for a night. I plan to use my Platinum awesomeness with Marriott to pretty much take over the place for the night. My awesomeness shall reign supreme.

I still have to pick a house. We’re not returning to our old house. It’s time to move up in the world and have us a place that’s not falling apart.

Anyway…JewelrySlut is unhappy. And, this time, it’s not because she married me. On Monday, she left to go to the Y in the morning. No more than 45 minutes later, she was back. This was odd because she’s usually gone for like 2 hours when she goes.

JewelrySlut hurt her back.

JewelrySlut is now officially in the bad back club. Can all card carrying members please stand up?

Hey Nightmare. How’s is hanging? Who else is in the club?

Yup, she pulled a muscle and was more or less out of commission for 2 days. Fortunately, it didn’t seem to be all that bad because she’s now up in Shmuppie’s room painting it. When I pulled my back, it knocked me on my ass for a week. I don’t remember much of it because I took some pain pills and then slept for 2 days. But, my poor little wiferoo is now officially old.

A warning…
I was told the other day that I have to go up to PA next week for 2 days. One of our vendors fucked up, so I have to go visit 4 other vendors to threaten them or something. I’m not happy about it because A: I have to go deal with PHL, B: It’s going to be cold, 3: I had planned on being home for a while.

Yuck.