Deeper baby. Take it all

Every now and again, it sounds like I work in the adult film industry.

We’re attempting to redesign an envelope. If you have an envelope handy, take a look at the back of it. Some have seams on a diagonal; others have them running up the sides.

When you use a side seam envelope, it can sometimes be hard to put more than only 1 or 2 sheets in it. A lot of our packages are upwards of 6-7 sheets. So…we have to pay special attention on the design.

What we do is make the envelope with a deeper throat. This allows you to fill it more.

So, over the past 2 days, I’ve been sending emails and having phone calls in which I keep asking for a deeper throat because I need to fill it up more.

Who said printing isn’t sexy?

So…I need to recap.

I need to explain why I recently told Shmuppie that she was more effective than a condom.

I’m swell like that, aren’t I?

Our recent trip to Myrtle Beach was an epic disaster. The weather sucked, I got sick and Shmuppie wasn’t behaving. It, in a nutshell, was our version of National Lampoon’s.

Friday:
I had decided that we should leave at 10:00. Why I put us on a schedule is beyond me. It was yet another example of me trying to manage the process and subsequently losing my mind.

We woke up a little late and I immediately panicked. I was also somewhat hung-over after starting my vacation the night before with my friend Mr. Rum. So, crapping a river of evil, I started losing my mind.

For some reason, we hadn’t packed before Friday morning, so that had to be done. I also wanted us to fit in only one bag, so as soon as we didn’t, I continued panicking. We were running late and I couldn’t pack the car as early as I wanted because we weren’t ready. I totally lost it. At one point, I had to sit on the stairs and rest because I was nearly in tears. I’m serious, folks, lately, I’ve been in bad shape. I’m losing my mind from the stress of work and because I am constantly stressing myself out over things that don’t need stressing.

Js was ready to kill herself or have me committed. Shmuppie was somehow not behaving.

We finally left and had a nice visit at South of the Border. Always a good time for us.

I should also mention that the weather was supposed to suck. Earlier in the week, it looked like it would be nice, but it turned ugly. We were looking at 4 days of rain and wind and temperatures in the high 30′s. Let’s go to the beach!

We got down in to the area and wanted to do some outlet shopping. Shmuppie was saying she was hungry and thirsty but wouldn’t eat anything. Her eating habits lately have been horrid. So, I was pissed at her for being a jackass. We shopped a bit, but Shmuppie wanted no part of it and did everything she could to make me crazy.

We got into town and went to the new hotel. For some reason, upon arrival, Shmuppie started crying. I was well into the red and JewelrySlut was looking for a drink.

We unpacked and went for a swim. That went mostly OK. We went out to dinner and that was mostly OK. I don’t think Shmuppie ate anything. However, my dinner did not agree with me. Within an hour or so, I had crippling heartburn. The rest of the evening was not fun. I think we watched a movie, but I was in considerable pain so I didn’t care. I couldn’t even drink!

Saturday:
Saturday dawned with temperatures of about 34 and pouring rain. Just what the doctor ordered for a cranky toddler and a stressed out set of parents! We fought with Shmuppie to eat breakfast. I, bring an idiot, drank too much coffee and woke up the heartburn gods. We went for a swim, but it was cold (indoor pools, but it was still cold).

After our swim, we knew we needed to head out…but where?

We wanted to hit another outlet center to see if we could find a bedding set for Shmuppie. It just went horribly. The rain was relentless, Shmuppie wanted nothing to do with the stores, I was sick and JewelrySlut was just beyond the capacity for rational thought. At several points, Shmuppie cried. After shopping, we wanted to go back to the hotel to get something to eat. I don’t remember whether or not we did. I know, at some point, we drove over to Broadway at the Beach to go to the aquarium. Of course, upon arrival, and not a few minutes prior, Shmuppie announced that she needed to eat. She, like most kids, is known for her timing. However, I also think I was trying to do too much and trying to fit some self-imposed schedule.

Well, Shmuppie ended up crying. We trudged through the rain and found an ice cream place that was selling hotdogs. Shmuppie had a hot dog and strawberry ice cream. I had Tums.

We went to the aquarium and Shmuppie had a good time. However, it was packed. The weather was driving everyone indoors for the day. The redneck factor was off the charts. But, Shmuppie seems to really like aquatic things and had a ball.

We went from there to dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise. (Can’t give Jimmy enough of our money, can we?)

Dinner made me ill and Shmuppie refused to eat.

We went back to the hotel and I was just in bad shape. I got email that a former coworker had died after she fell down her stairs so I was seriously depressed. It was not good times.

OOH! I forgot! All day, my parents were trying to fly to LAX for a cruise that was leaving on Sunday. The weather in Atlanta (connection point) was horrible. As a result, my father was calling every 3 minutes to update us. It was fun. More fun than anything was that they didn’t land in LAX until about 1:30AM.

I think we all went to bed early.

Sunday:
The weather broke. It was cold but not raining. I didn’t feel quite as sick. We fought over breakfast and went swimming. Shmuppie was ready to go play outside. We decided to go outside and walk on the beach. I don’t remember why, but Shmuppie was not behaving and was more or less refusing to walk. We walked to the other hotel we’d stayed at and got JewelrySlut a hot chocolate at Starbucks. I bought Shmuppie a cookie that she refused to eat. I drank Pepto.

We walked back and sat on the beach and let Shmuppie play in the sand. It was cold.

I think after that, Shmuppie took a nap and I tried to watch some football. JewelrySlut read and drank wine.

We went out to dinner and I felt well enough to eat. That was nice.

We left on Monday and I don’t seem to recall anything bad happening, but I’m sure it did.

In a nutshell, the trip was terrible. And, it makes me feel bad because we never seem to vacation as a family. But, the way we all seem to not be getting along lately, it may be for the best.

So, what did I do last night? I started researching discounted cruises for the week Shmuppie has off for Spring Break. I think I found 2 possibilities.

Why do I torture myself…and for that matter, JewelrySlut.

She deserves better.

Guess what I did tonight?

So…still here in NJ this week.

I forgot to mention that when MarcTheRetard asked me if I liked movies it was I am Legend that he was offering me.

That’s right douchebags!

I am Legend

Fuck to the yeah!

So, I even went out and bought a new S-Video cable, hoping to run the laptop through the room TV. WRONG!

(Like Dr. Cox now…)
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!

So…I had to watch it on the laptop. It made no matter. The movie was awful and I loved it. Vampires, Will Smith, a wholly terrible ending. What else could I have wanted?

So…we all know what I did tonight. Come on, folks. We remember
this post, don’t we?

Stop shaking your heads at me like you didn’t expect it. You all know me too well.

I saw me some motherfuckin’ Clovermotherfuckinfield.

That’s right.

Holy mother of God. I have looked into the eye of beauty itself and it shall be called Cloverfield.

Never before have I seen a movie that was so exquisitely…delightfully…dare I say splendidly horrid. I loved every fucking second of Cloverliscious shit that it doled out to me. Of course, the seconds were scant…seeing how the movie (credits included) is barely 1:20 long. Good thing I plan to expense the cost of the ticket.

I was in the theater with 3 other people, a mother and her kids. When it ended, they started yelling at the screen. Not like black people do as in a “Don’t open that door, Latisha” kind of way, but more in a rich white people way.

As in:
Mom: That’s it? That was a movie?
Son: That was terrible
Daughter: I have to text Adam (or someone) and tell them not to see it
Me (Bent at the waist laughing)
Mom: I mean…that sucked
Me: (Gasping for breath) It was every bit as horrible as I had hoped it would be. (Turning to the kids) Kids…may this be a lesson to you. Don’t get jobs that require you to travel to places far from home where you will think seeing movies like this is a good idea.

I did think some things in how the movie was done were actually good. The non-use (for the most part) of the monster was good, but the awfulness of every other part just made the movie a splendid suckfest.

Would I go see it again?

Come on. Don’t insult me.

Will I buy the DVD?

Uh…duh.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m sick, or that something I ate for dinner seems to have poisoned me, but I am in a state of utter bliss over the movies I have had a chance…nay…been blessed to have seen over the past 2 nights.

Sometimes…life can be good.

One last side note.
I had a good parenting moment today.
Shmuppie’s been sick lately so when JewelrySlut woke up her from her nap today and said that maybe she shouldn’t go to swimming, the kid freaked the fuck out. I called and managed to soothe the child by saying that perhaps she could ask Mommy to get out the portable DVD player and put on a movie for her in her new bedroom clubhouse.

Well, I was told that was a great idea. When I called back before the movie, Shmuppie was under her bed (the bed’s a loft…so we made the underneath into a clubhouse (I even strung up rope lighting for her(It’s waaaaay cool))) watching Willy Wonka and eating dinner.

As I told JewelrySlut, I was able to come up with this because I was like a general, 5 miles behind the front and was able to see the whole battle. JewelrySlut, unfortunately, for her, was in the middle of Manhattan dodging a 250′ tall monster.

See how I did that?

Cloverfield!

What do you like?

I have a few things to say, but not all at once. I can draw out the suspense better this way.

Anyway…I’m here in NJ and MarcTheRetard (MTR) asks me:
Dooooooooo you liiiiiiiike Mooooooooooviesssssssss (He doesn’t quite draw out words like a Southerner (they’re better known for adding syllables) but more like Dory the fish from Finding Nemo when she starts talking to the whale. Know what I mean? No? OK…he’s a retard. Let’s leave it there)

Anyway…that made me think of something (JewelrySlut is at home reading this giggling)

It’s 1997. We’re on a cruise. It’s a big family vacation. It’s me and JewelrySlut (only thing is that in 1997, had I known what a blog was, her name would have been DemureLabTech or something. Fortunately, she grew up into a sex-crazed JewelrySlut), my parents, my brother and Claude (The Italian who came for 2 weeks and then never left).

We’re at dinner.

Now, some more words on Claude. He loves to talk and was quite famous for his speeches. They were always amusing, but more so because he used to do a fantastic job of butchering the English language. In fact, when he and Shmuppie spoke on New Year’s, it was epic. Anyway…he liked to talk and make bold proclamations.

So…we’re at dinner:

Claude: I like movies

Us: (All with arched eyebrows because we all know that something is coming) Oh?

Claude: I like all kinds of movies. I like comedies, dramas (but he didn’t say it like you or I would, he said it sounding more like the word “jam” (the “A” sound that is), action movies. I like movies.

Us: (Waiting)

Claude: Know what else I like?

NogoodMother: What?

Claude: Ice Cream. I love ice cream. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, all flavors.

Us: (Still waiting)

Claude: Know what else I like?

Us: No?

Claude: I like dick.

With this, he simply picked up his silver wear and went back to his mountain of food.

Us: (Stunned silence)

NoGoodFather: Did you say “dick”?

Claude (mouth full with his 4th steak of the night): Yup.

You had to be there.

So, in any event, when MarcTheRetard asked me if I liked movies, I had to stop myself from offering that I also liked ice cream.

And dick.

At some point, I will share the details of our horrible trip to Myrtle Beach last weekend.

And why going to wakes really sucks taint.
A lot.

Paging Mr NoGoodDaddy…you’re needed in hell

Shmuppie had to write a sentence about the book she just read (homework):

“Iv never seen a dog
with the dog will not
a bat that no dogs are
not alou in the haous.”

1: I am going to hell for making fun of my 5-year old daughter’s inability to spell or compose a sentence.

B: I wonder where she gets it from

She’s trying to say

“I’ve never seen a dog with mud because it gets so dirty”

I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, but it’s REALLY far from what she wrote.

We’ll call stuff like this LOLKIDS

Like these

“I’ve never seen a dog with mud ’cause it’s so dirty because it’s so dirty.”

she just tried again.

Really…I am a horrible parent

it’s all you can do…

How do I start?

With the “fuck yous” or with something else?

Yea…the “Fuck yous”

Fuck You Weather Channel. You told me there would be a foot of snow in NJ today. As a result, I cancelled my Sunday late afternoon flight to NJ. Yea…it rained in NJ this morning, hence fucking me

Fuck you, Continental. No more than 3 minutes after I got off the phone with you to change my flight to next week, you cancelled my original flight from yesterday. Fuck You for making me spend $130. Fuck you for making me nervous about your predisposition to cancelling Sunday flights.

Fuck You to me. For not being able to handle the changes in my schedule and just going into a cataclysmic meltdown over the past 24 hours. I’m a fucking mess. I can’t get out of my own way. One of my Resolutions was to try to slow down some and, until yesterday, I was doing OK. But, my brain’s been spinning for a day now and I’m a mess and a half. It was all I could do to get out of the house to get to the Y today. While there, I was trying to get out into the gym. I had my MP3 player, a towel and a magazine. Should not be hard to manage that. However, because I was thinking about 13 other things, I dropped the MP3 player. It managed to slide across the floor and get under a table. While picking it up, the towel fell out of my hand. While picking it up, my headphones fell out and to the floor.

This is how things go for me all the time. I’m constantly trying to do 4 things at once. JewelrySlut likes watching me do it. Sometimes, I’ll just freeze. I’ll be standing in the kitchen trying to decide what to do next. Like, Do I change the laundry and then start dinner or start food prep and then change the laundry. I’ll rock back and forth arguing with myself about which one to start first. At times, I’ve nearly driven myself to tears because I can’t do anything without arguing with myself over how I could do the task more efficiently or in a different order.

Whoa…that got a little out of hand.

Um…

Dick Joke?

This is mean, but Fuck you to Shmuppie. She and I did very well all last week. We didn’t fight. We were models off familial efficiency. Then JewelrySlut got home on Saturday. Since then, Shmuppie has been acting like an asshole. There’s no better way to describe it. It’s clear that she doesn’t want to share the attention of one of us. Since JewelrySlut and I have the nerve to try to talk to each other, Shmuppie responds by pissing herself or “forgetting” to flush when she shits. Sometimes, I want to strangle her.

That’s enough anger for now.

On a good note, I’m home this week and not in NJ. I’ll be away next week, but am home for now. And, another good note; the 3 of us are going away for a long weekend starting on Friday. Shmuppie announced that she wanted to go to Myrtle Beach and so we’re off. We found a new hotel to stay at and look forward to getting away for a few days. It should be fun.

Otherwise, I’m tired of work and need to go pee

Bye now