Day 2

Work was…work. The weather looked nasty all day.

Off to EWR I went. The flight to PBI was delayed a bit; we ended up leaving 50 minutes late.

For fun, JewelrySlut called me while I was waiting. She called to tell me that Delta had emailed me to log into my flight today.


Fucking travel office. They had never put through the change I made to my trip. As I watched the people deplane from the previous flight, I scrambled to tell Ahmed to change my flight.

The flight was OK and they even fed us tiny turkey sandwiches. I have been trying to remember if I have been fed on a coach flight since St. Thomas in 2004.

We arrived; I got my bag and went to rent my car. On a hunch, I went to the National desk.

Yup…they’d cancelled my car rental. Fuckers.

I got my car, got in said car and drove up here to Port St. Lucie.

The hotel is fine, and I pounded out a bunch of work.

I think a thunderstorm woke me at 3:00 this morning. We’re having apocalyptic-like weather here.

Good for me.

Hate to ruin your Monday

Got to RDU at 5:30 for my 6:40 flight. That’s AM.

Security was messy but I weaseled my way into a better line.

I had seat 14A (an awesome seat)

We were on time

We landed on the funny runway at EWR, but I can’t complain.

It’s cold, but OK. Work only sucked a little bit.

I am here in the hotel with a nice bottle of wine.

Tomorrow’s forecast is for snow changing to rain.

Anyone actually think I can make it to FLA on time?


Or…to kick it more old school:

I want to lead the glamorous life. I don’t need a man’s touch.

Um…yea…that sounded a little gay or something. Forget I said it.

Here’s my upcoming schedule:

Monday February 25:
I am booked on Continental 844 leaving RDU at 6:40AM to go up to EWR.
I arrive in time to be double-booked for 10:00 and 10:30 meetings
I then have a Noon-4:00 meeting with some software people or something.
I stay in Mahwah, NJ at the Courtyard

Tuesday February 26:
Staff meeting up at HealthCareRelatedCompany at 9:00AM
When he arrives, I have to bust the LittleIndian’s balls. I have not seen him since before the holidays
I leave HealthCareRelatedCompany a little after lunchtime because I have to get to EWR. I’m booked on Continental 1854 down to West Palm Beach, FL.
Upon landing at PBI, I have to drive northward to Port St. Lucie, FL

Wednesday February 27:
8:30 meeting in Port St. Lucie during which I hope to meet Wilfred Brimley
This meeting wraps up at about 10:00 or so. After this, things slow down a tad.
Sometime that evening, a crew of people from RedCompany will be arriving in FLA and meeting up with me.
I hope to have nice weather on this day, seeing as I won’t have anything official to do after about 11:00AM. My hotel has a pool.

Thursday February 28:
We have meetings from 8:00 or so until 2:00. I have done a wonderful job of sucking up to people at RedCompany and get to participate in a workshop to help redesign some documents and workflows. Good resume fodder.
I have to then drive nearly 2 hours down to Ft. Lauderdale to catch an 8:05PM flight home. I can’t fly back out of Palm Beach because there are no direct flights here and I’d really rather not go home by way of Atlanta, Charlotte or Philadelphia.

Friday February 29:
Home. I plan to try not to work.

Saturday March 1:
I have a flight at 12:14PM to go up to Boston for training.
I arrive mid-day and have several free hours to entertain myself. HowardTheJew will be there, so I’m sure mischief will ensue.

Sunday March 2
Classes all day

Monday March 3
See Sunday

Tuesday March 4
Class in the morning and then a trip to a trade show, for 7 hours apparently. That should be fun…or not
I then have a flight home at 7:10PM.

Really, this should be a lot of fun. The only good thing is that the flight home from FLA and the Boston flights are on Delta. So, I can earn more miles that we can never use. And, for all this, I only get 3 Marriott nights. I’m running behind for the year and need to get some nights back.

Still haven’t booked the DR trip. Today, for fun, Shmuppie got her card turned to red. This means a note was sent home and that I, again, was able to smell colors.

Not quite Dick in a Box

More like “Bottle up a nose”

Poor JewelrySlut is still sick. So, my mother suggested she pour the contents of a mini-teapot up her nose.

Wanna see?

I had hoped so.

Step 1: Look skeptically at the box. Look! It’s a Neti Pot. That sounds refreshing! And blue.

Step 2: Be given the finger because you are going to post unflattering pictures on the interweb. Thanks, hon. And, yes…the cabinet in the upper right looks funny. We’re slowly re-doing the kitchen with off-the-shelf cabinets from Lowe’s. That was the first one we tried.

Step 3: Add contents of little packet of powder to little teapot.

Step 4: Shake little teapot. (For those who are wondering, it helps to cover the spout before you try this step. Some cleanup may be required otherwise)

Step 5: Bend over (as the sheet says “To your comfort level”. At this point, I’d have expected her to get on all fours and point her ass skyward, but that’s just me) and pour the liquid into one nostril. Now…in theory, the goo should come out the other side.

Step 6: Really nothing is happening here, but the picture is priceless.

Step 7: We have a winner…2 streams of fluid are exiting my wife. And, to think, I didn’t even have to help.

Thank you. This is what we’re doing for fun here today. We had to turf Shmuppie off on to my parents because I am ready to kill her. Apparently, last night when I told her to get undressed and ready for bed, I really said “Get the fish food, open the tank, and feed the fish.

I think I was able to see smells and smell colors after this. That’s how angry I was. The trip to the DR is still not booked.

What have we learned?

Answer me this.

What have I been doing here lately?
Yes, I know; writing poorly-constructed typo-riddled sentences. We all know that.

Writing about how I hate NJ? Yes…we know that.

What else?

Yes…thank you WCG (it’s clear you have no life). I’ve been writing about how miserable the 3 of us have been ever since Shmuppie decided to become a HellBitch.

And what’s the #1 most important lesson we’ve all learned over the course of the last 3 years?

No, WCG, I’m not picking you.


Yes, Nightmare?

You are correct. I am an idiot.

So…what have I spent this week doing?

The only think I know how to do.

Planning a family vacation.

Damn me. Damn me to hell.

JewelrySlut and I have been discussing (more like I have been babbling and she’s been looking for booze)* that when Shmuppie is off from school in early April we should take a trip. The 3 of us have never really taken a vacation. JewelrySlut and I usually do all we can to get away from Shmuppie when it’s time to go away.

*I’ve been doing a lot of implying lately that all JewelrySlut does is drink when I talk about anything. I should try to air a little less of the family laundry, you think?

I found a cruise on Carnival that leaves from Jacksonville. It’s 5 days and relatively inexpensive. But, it’s an old ship; in fact, in April, Carnival is selling it to some Spanish company. Do we want to be on a ship that’s on its last legs? Probably not.

There’s a cruise on NCL going out of Charleston. But, it’s Saturday to Saturday and I’m afraid of a full week trip with the 3 of us. Plus, it’s more money.

What to do. As my father would now say “Well…when you live in a secondary market like this, travel is a lot harder”** But, he has a point. To get anywhere except up and down the east coast, you need to go back to EWR or to ATL or Miami. Since I don’t want to waste a day flying, our choices are limited. What to do? What to do?

**Advice: Move you and Mom back to NJ and have EWR all to yourselves.

I uttered the words that should be unsaid during March and April “Disney?” We pondered it for a moment; we could get a great fare on Southwest. We’d suck it up and not rent a car. Then we realized that our best bet for WDW would be to bring my mother and stay in a villa using their timeshare points. Then, my mother could wrangle the kid. Then we realized that, in that scenario, the whole “family vacation” thing would be out the window.

I tromped off to the gym with my latest Caribbean Travel and Life magazine in tow.


Oh look! An article on all-inclusives. Those are supposed to be fun.

Page 52: The Family Resort.

(Antennae go up)

Page 54: The Budget Resort

(Penis goes up)

Hmm… I was interested. They mentioned the Riu resort in Cancun. Now, I know that Delta is apparently starting non-stop service to Cancun from here next week. I had an option. Not much of one, but an option. I know a little bit about the Riu chain and have heard only good things.

I went home and looked up the airfare. Apparently, Delta isn’t starting N/S service from RDU-CUN. OK…there goes that idea. I checked other places where Riu has resorts. The Dominican Republic. That’s cheap. I happen to know that several charter airlines fly there from Baltimore or Philly. We could Southwest it up there and then hook up with someone like USA3000. (Yes…this is all during the workday. And, yes, I have a well-paying job with RedCompany and they are most definitely NOT paying me to do this).

I found Riu’s 3 resorts in Puerto Plata.

Sidebar: JewelrySlut, years ago, stated that she would never visit the DR; Puerto Plata or Punta Gorda in particular. According to her; they sounded like, respectively, something you do in the toilet and “dirty pussy”.

Hmmm…I ran the numbers for a 4-night stay at the Puerto Plata resorts.


Between $644 and $752 for the 3 of us, all-inclusive?

OK Expedia. Do your thing. Find me an airfare.

WHAT? Under $450 each? On Delta? With minimal layovers?

OK Delta…beat them. You can? Holy hell.

Me: Hon come down here.
JewelrySlut: Blurg? (She was still sick)
Me: Look at this? (For once, not pointing to my pants) All-inclusive in the DR.
JewelrySlut: (Seeing the hotel totals) per person?
Me: No…for all of us
JewelrySlut: Blurg? (Up-tilt of the voice as if to show delight and not drug-induced comaness)
Me: I know. Look at these airfares.
JewelrySlut: Oh?
Me: I know. This could work.

The 3 of us can go away for 5 days and pay just about $2000. This includes air, transfers, taxes and 4 nights of all-inclusive debauchery…and a kid’s club that runs from 8:00 – midnight.

So…what do we do? I have done my homework and the Riu Bachata looks to be up to our standards. It’s not the fanciest place in the world. But, the food is supposed to be good (not gourmet), the booze is free, there’s a beach, there are several pools. There is snorkeling. It’s not Raleigh. I won’t have a laptop or cell phone with me. The flight down, start to finish, is only 5 1/2 hours. The layover at ATL is only an hour. The trip home is about 7. So, it’s not a killer on the travel side. We’d leave the house at 7:15 to go to RDU and be sipping rum poolside by 4:00.

Do we go? We haven’t decided. I think we need to go.

JewelrySlut and I need to have a frank discussion about it. We’ve already floated it past Shmuppie and have told her that little girls who don’t behave don’t get to go on vacation. She responded by getting a blue card at school yesterday. Blue is not good. Green is good.

I really think we should go. We’re all about to suffer breakdowns and need the relaxation and family time. This will be a good test to see if we’re going to keep Shmuppie or drop her off at Pet Smart one Saturday during pet adoption day.

Anyone ever go to the DR or stay at an all-inclusive.

DK: Please don’t answer. I don’t need to hear about one of those naked resorts that HOARS like you stay at.

And…because I seem to get comments when I post a picture:

JewelrySlut noticed some inconsistencies above. I said that she would not want to visit Punta Gorda because it sounds like “Dirty Pussy”. The staff at regrets the error and would like to make a correction.

JewelrySlut never wanted to visit Punta Cana because it sounds like “Filthy Pussy”. Puerto Plata still sounds like something you do the morning after a hard night of drinking and pork rind eating.

Thank you