Answer me this.
What have I been doing here lately?
Yes, I know; writing poorly-constructed typo-riddled sentences. We all know that.
Writing about how I hate NJ? Yes…we know that.
Yes…thank you WCG (it’s clear you have no life). I’ve been writing about how miserable the 3 of us have been ever since Shmuppie decided to become a HellBitch.
And what’s the #1 most important lesson we’ve all learned over the course of the last 3 years?
No, WCG, I’m not picking you.
You are correct. I am an idiot.
So…what have I spent this week doing?
The only think I know how to do.
Planning a family vacation.
Damn me. Damn me to hell.
JewelrySlut and I have been discussing (more like I have been babbling and she’s been looking for booze)* that when Shmuppie is off from school in early April we should take a trip. The 3 of us have never really taken a vacation. JewelrySlut and I usually do all we can to get away from Shmuppie when it’s time to go away.
*I’ve been doing a lot of implying lately that all JewelrySlut does is drink when I talk about anything. I should try to air a little less of the family laundry, you think?
I found a cruise on Carnival that leaves from Jacksonville. It’s 5 days and relatively inexpensive. But, it’s an old ship; in fact, in April, Carnival is selling it to some Spanish company. Do we want to be on a ship that’s on its last legs? Probably not.
There’s a cruise on NCL going out of Charleston. But, it’s Saturday to Saturday and I’m afraid of a full week trip with the 3 of us. Plus, it’s more money.
What to do. As my father would now say “Well…when you live in a secondary market like this, travel is a lot harder”** But, he has a point. To get anywhere except up and down the east coast, you need to go back to EWR or to ATL or Miami. Since I don’t want to waste a day flying, our choices are limited. What to do? What to do?
**Advice: Move you and Mom back to NJ and have EWR all to yourselves.
I uttered the words that should be unsaid during March and April “Disney?” We pondered it for a moment; we could get a great fare on Southwest. We’d suck it up and not rent a car. Then we realized that our best bet for WDW would be to bring my mother and stay in a villa using their timeshare points. Then, my mother could wrangle the kid. Then we realized that, in that scenario, the whole “family vacation” thing would be out the window.
I tromped off to the gym with my latest Caribbean Travel and Life magazine in tow.
Oh look! An article on all-inclusives. Those are supposed to be fun.
Page 52: The Family Resort.
(Antennae go up)
Page 54: The Budget Resort
(Penis goes up)
Hmm… I was interested. They mentioned the Riu resort in Cancun. Now, I know that Delta is apparently starting non-stop service to Cancun from here next week. I had an option. Not much of one, but an option. I know a little bit about the Riu chain and have heard only good things.
I went home and looked up the airfare. Apparently, Delta isn’t starting N/S service from RDU-CUN. OK…there goes that idea. I checked other places where Riu has resorts. The Dominican Republic. That’s cheap. I happen to know that several charter airlines fly there from Baltimore or Philly. We could Southwest it up there and then hook up with someone like USA3000. (Yes…this is all during the workday. And, yes, I have a well-paying job with RedCompany and they are most definitely NOT paying me to do this).
I found Riu’s 3 resorts in Puerto Plata.
Sidebar: JewelrySlut, years ago, stated that she would never visit the DR; Puerto Plata or Punta Gorda in particular. According to her; they sounded like, respectively, something you do in the toilet and “dirty pussy”.
Hmmm…I ran the numbers for a 4-night stay at the Puerto Plata resorts.
Between $644 and $752 for the 3 of us, all-inclusive?
OK Expedia. Do your thing. Find me an airfare.
WHAT? Under $450 each? On Delta? With minimal layovers?
OK Delta…beat them. You can? Holy hell.
Me: Hon come down here.
JewelrySlut: Blurg? (She was still sick)
Me: Look at this? (For once, not pointing to my pants) All-inclusive in the DR.
JewelrySlut: (Seeing the hotel totals) per person?
Me: No…for all of us
JewelrySlut: Blurg? (Up-tilt of the voice as if to show delight and not drug-induced comaness)
Me: I know. Look at these airfares.
Me: I know. This could work.
The 3 of us can go away for 5 days and pay just about $2000. This includes air, transfers, taxes and 4 nights of all-inclusive debauchery…and a kid’s club that runs from 8:00 – midnight.
So…what do we do? I have done my homework and the Riu Bachata looks to be up to our standards. It’s not the fanciest place in the world. But, the food is supposed to be good (not gourmet), the booze is free, there’s a beach, there are several pools. There is snorkeling. It’s not Raleigh. I won’t have a laptop or cell phone with me. The flight down, start to finish, is only 5 1/2 hours. The layover at ATL is only an hour. The trip home is about 7. So, it’s not a killer on the travel side. We’d leave the house at 7:15 to go to RDU and be sipping rum poolside by 4:00.
Do we go? We haven’t decided. I think we need to go.
JewelrySlut and I need to have a frank discussion about it. We’ve already floated it past Shmuppie and have told her that little girls who don’t behave don’t get to go on vacation. She responded by getting a blue card at school yesterday. Blue is not good. Green is good.
I really think we should go. We’re all about to suffer breakdowns and need the relaxation and family time. This will be a good test to see if we’re going to keep Shmuppie or drop her off at Pet Smart one Saturday during pet adoption day.
Anyone ever go to the DR or stay at an all-inclusive.
DK: Please don’t answer. I don’t need to hear about one of those naked resorts that HOARS like you stay at.
And…because I seem to get comments when I post a picture:
JewelrySlut noticed some inconsistencies above. I said that she would not want to visit Punta Gorda because it sounds like “Dirty Pussy”. The staff at nogooddaddy.com regrets the error and would like to make a correction.
JewelrySlut never wanted to visit Punta Cana because it sounds like “Filthy Pussy”. Puerto Plata still sounds like something you do the morning after a hard night of drinking and pork rind eating.