So then I went out and bought a bunch of grass

Hi. I doubt you missed me.

I was supposed to have written about the Homeowners Association meeting I think. I don’t feel like it. Let’s just say there was screaming and yelling and near fights. I stood, arms crossed, above it all and let the rednecks act like…rednecks. Good times.

And, since then, there was Memorial Day. It went well. My parents had by brother and SIL down for the weekend. They also had their ‘homo friends” (their words…the homos that is, not mine) from FLA. We caught a Mudcats game and ate a lot of pork.

But, the reason I’m here is to tout my accomplishments.

The backyard work is finally done. Some time ago, I had discussed the deck we were going to build. It got done about 3 weeks ago. The vegetable garden is in and the plants are taking off. We’ll have cucumbers and tomatoes soon. This morning, we bought us a lawn.

The World’s Smallest Backyard is complete. For perspective, it’s 20′ wide and only 11′ deep. As HowardTheJew said “My patio is bigger!” Remember…this is a townhouse.

Allow me to show off some pictures.

This picture shows some of the old deck. I can’t believe we don’t have any pictures of it. This was taken when I decided to have the bright idea of sawing up the deck and sawing through the tree roots.

old deck

Since then, the tree came down and the fence was replaced.

This is taken from the back door looking out at the deck. It’s 11′ x 11′. We bought the 3 chairs and have hung little citronella candles. Joseph and Jesus watch over us…slightly out of frame because Flickr cropped the picture. Damn them.

This is the deck again, taken from the grassy side of the yard. I can’t say enough about the deck. You need to consider that I have the building skills of a retarded chimp. Having built this was a huge accomplishment. We’re quite proud of it. I sweep it off on a daily basis. No leaves shall dirty my deck!

Here’s the grass. The garden, obviously, is on the left. Front left is zucchini with cucumbers behind them. We have tomatoes on the right side and peppers in the middle. Those are peas in the pot hanging above. LOOK AT THE GRASS!

Here’s a view from up near the doors, looking right towards the grass. The next thing we need to do is power wash the patio. It’s filthy. We’ll wait until the fall to do that. Don’t want to hurt the grass.

Now…for those of you who are calling me stupid for putting down sod in June.

First off, the sod cost us $18.25. so, if it all dies, it was only $18.25. It was fun.

Secondly, the farm told us that it should be OK. Of course, what else would they say? IT doesn’t get a whole ton of sun so it won’t bake all summer, and watering it will only take 5 minutes. A neighbor recently put in some sod in a similarly sunny space and it’s flourished. I think it will be OK. If not, we’ll try again in the fall for another $18.25.

That’s it. We’re quite proud of ourselves. However, we suspect that the neighbors will be pissed off. It’s going to be, by far, the nicest yard in the community. If anyone sees it, I gather they’ll think I skimmed HOA money to do the work. Fuck ‘em. It looks cool.

We had wanted to get this done by this weekend. Next weekend ChurchBomber is coming down to go to the Buffett concert and we wanted her to be able to see our handiwork. She’ll shit when she sees it because she knows how stupid I am.

What you know about a 4-footed clay horse?

This all happened today:

TELG68: Both of the twins cancelled so I’m not going. I won’t be coming down Friday. I know you were so looking forward to my company so please don’t cry. You’ll get to abuse me soon, I’m sure. They’re supposed to be at their con they’re holding in November. FUCK!
nogooddaddy81: ok then
nogooddaddy81: i can’t say I’ll miss you at all
TELG68: I know. And I was so looking forward to ALL THAT ELECTRICITY AND RUNNING WATER.
nogooddaddy81: makes my schedule easier…I was going to have to take a conference call from my car
nogooddaddy81: get $$ back no the tickets?
nogooddaddy81: on
TELG68: No, they’re non-ref but if I don’t use them in Nov I can use them to visit family in Ft Myers. I’m thinking if I wait until they are cheaper than I paid I can switch destinations with minimal if no fee.
TELG68: Rumor has it they’re not going to refund the gold Ticket I bought, they’re giving out VOUCHERS for the Nov con. They SWEAR they will both be there then.
nogooddaddy81: on what airline?
TELG68: Southwest. BOTH WAYS, BABY.
nogooddaddy81: wait…I am talking about getting money back no the airline. I don’t give half a fuck about geek con
nogooddaddy81: on…again
nogooddaddy81: i didn’t think southwest had non-refundables…
TELG68: Yeah, I know but should I keep the airline tix or just get them refunded? I’m not getting any $$$ back so I HAVE to go to the next con to get my money’s worth.
TELG68: I used the Wanna Get Away rate.
TELG68: I thought that was non-refundable.
nogooddaddy81: oh yea…reusable only. no money back for you
nogooddaddy81: you have a 12-month credit with them
TELG68: I can use them in Nov.
nogooddaddy81: you can
nogooddaddy81: no change fee…i think
TELG68: and if I don’t go to GeekFest I can visit fam in Ft Myers.
nogooddaddy81: indeed
TELG68: I do get my $$ back from the photo ops. Like you care.
TELG68: Dude, have you seen that Gumby vid on YouTube that Sundry linked?
nogooddaddy81: no..have not read sundry in ages
TELG68: I’ll get the link.
nogooddaddy81: i’m on the site…
TELG68: Video
nogooddaddy81: “put that in the oven like the jews”
TELG68: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That vid is so wrong on so many levels but I can’t stop laughing. Hubby didn’t get it AT ALL.
nogooddaddy81: leave me alone…i have to put the volume up to hear it and don’t need you chiming in
nogooddaddy81: holy shit
TELG68: Churn the butter, churn the butter, churn the butter…
nogooddaddy81: jesus christ…that’s beautiful
TELG68: I thought you’d appreciate that.
TELG68: I missed the jew comment though…
nogooddaddy81: right off the bat…put it in the oven like a jew
TELG68: Burn that shit! Yeah, I heard it after you mentioned it.
TELG68: Sucka dick!
nogooddaddy81: shit is rough
TELG68: I cna’t wait for the opportunity to ask Hubby how he likes mah dick now.
nogooddaddy81: burn these muthafuckas
nogooddaddy81: suckadick
TELG68: I need to send this to Andria…
TELG68: Are you watching any of the other vids?
nogooddaddy81: #3 right now
TELG68: The first one was funnier.
nogooddaddy81: much
TELG68: HAHA, they beat you to it:
nogooddaddy81: what you know about a 4-footed clay horse?
TELG68: Not much muthafuckah.
TELG68: So, when I’m ready to use the tickets from Southwest do I just show up at a flight and get a boarding pass or do I have to do something special? Also: it’s 80 degrees out and it was hailing earlier. HELL HAS FROZEN OVER. How you like mah dick now?
nogooddaddy81: what? are you a dumb fuck?
nogooddaddy81: you need to call them today and say “I can’t live out my perverted fantasies in FLA. Please credit my flight”
nogooddaddy81: Then, and save the confirmation #, call them when you want to fly and make a reservation
nogooddaddy81: it may seem like the bus, but it’s an actual airline. you can’t show up and say “I am WCG. I am here How ya like my dick now”
TELG68: So they’re going to credit my NON-REFUNDABLE tickets? WTF?
nogooddaddy81: They’re goping to issue you a credit with them…hold your $$ until you need it
nogooddaddy81: and, goping – going
TELG68: They’re going to grope me? OH GOODY.
nogooddaddy81: yo head look like a piece of winterfresh
nogooddaddy81: just call southwest
TELG68: So I just call them up and say “Let’s burn this shit”
nogooddaddy81: shit is rough, i can’t fly. how you like ma dick now?
nogooddaddy81: i’m fucking crying i’m laughing so hard
TELG68: So you want to eat me? I AM THE PIE. Mah dick is looooong
TELG68: Me too
TELG68: We’re so wrong

Than, I called her cell and we did nothing but laugh for a good minute.

the internet is fun

I laid wood.

I am so tired. And sore. And my ass hurts. And congested.

It’s a great Monday.

Damn…was I busy this weekend. And productive.

Last week, I had emailed Mikey to see if he had a circular saw I could borrow. And, by borrowing the saw, I explained that he had to come with it. This was all well and good because Mikey and his wife are poor. Like destitute. Like, shut off the cable and phones because they can’t afford it poor.

See, M&K moved here from NJ last fall. Mikey’s my brother’s best friend from their childhood days. They came here because neither of them had real jobs in NJ and wanted to try to start over. They lived with my parents for a while and nothing went well. Mikey kept saying that he was due some sort of settlement from a workplace injury and that once he had the money, all would be good. Well, he lied about the whole thing. Then, stupidly, they started listening to my mother. She convinced them to buy a house. At the time, K was making maybe $10/hour. So, they got a mortgage and bought a teeny house in a section of Raleigh that’s dodgier than where we live. Mikey found a job as a foreman with a landscaping company and things looked OK for a while.

Then he quit because…well, no one knows why. Then, a few months later, the police came to my parents’ house looking for him. Well, maybe he had never turned in his company credit card and maybe was using it to pay for groceries.

Mikey is arrested and goes to jail. K flips out and my parents, the enablers of all this, put up a wall. JewelrySlut is stuck fielding phone calls from K to rant about everything. Mikey gets out of jail. He fails to appear. He goes back to jail. The cycle begins anew.

So, he’s out now and on probation. He’s maybe working from home grading homework assignments on line. I have no clue. They have a house and can’t afford food. K drives her NJ-registered SUV that costs her over $00 per month in lease payments a good ways to work each day. She works at The Fresh Market.

So, when I told Mikey to bring the saw, the plan was to feed him lunch and feed both of them dinner. We’d pay him some $$ for the day’s work. It was a strict violation of the Guy Code, but we’d do it. Normally, the going rate for helping build a deck would be lunch, dinner and a case of beer. We tossed $200 at him. I told him that it covered not having to buy a saw (at $200 that’s one fucking expensive circular saw).

So, he got to the house at 8:00 on Saturday and we started surveying the area. We went to Lowe’s and came back with 31 2X6 boards and an 8 foot section of 4×4. By 10:00, we were working.

It took over 3 hours just to get the posts measured and cut. Mind you, these posts were, at time, as small as 1 1/2″. A lot of measuring and cutting was done. When we broke for lunch, we were ready to make progress.

By 5:00 when Mikey went to go pick up K, we had only 9 boards to go. The joists were in place, all the end boards were in place and we had 2/3 of a deck. We wrapped up at about 6:00.

We have a deck in the backyard. It’s awesome. It’s got over 300 screws holding it together so this bitch ain’t moving. I’m quite proud of us. The yard’s going to look very nice in a few weeks when we’re done with it. I’d post pictures, but it’s been pouring for 2 days now and the yard is a muddy mess. It makes the deck look ugly. I want my deck to be pretty when I take its picture.

When K got to the house, she was all keyed up. It was Mother’s Day Saturday and she runs the floral department. Apparently, she was very busy and her clientele was very stupid. JewelrySlut gave her vodka to settle her nerves. JewelrySlut forgot that A: K’s a lightweight, 2: they can’t afford to drink, and C: She had not eaten all day.

K got really drunk.

JewelrySlut had made a vat of potato salad and a huge tomato salad. I grilled up 3-4lbs of sausage and a big slab of London broil. It was a sight to watch the 2 of them eat. They devoured most of the beef on their own and made sizeable dents in all the rest of the food. We sent them home with all of the leftovers. We hope we kept them fed for at least 2 more days.

I guess I feel bad for them; but mostly for K. Mikey is probably the smartest person I know. He’s probably borderline genius. And, that’s his problem. He’s one of 7 siblings and his parents are insane. His mother is ludicrously Catholic and believes that saying a Rosary will cure everything. She also hates K because she’s not a practicing Catholic. So, he grew up not getting enough attention. And when someone that smart doesn’t get enough attention, they start scheming. I’m sure that if I were to ask, he could give me detailed plans on how to rob a bank…or launder money, or deal drugs. It took him like 7 years to get through college mostly because he didn’t care. He’s very talented and a hard worker when it comes to landscaping and construction, but he doesn’t care and isn’t motivated. So, he keeps making up lies about how he can fix their financial situation, and sits at home doing nothing. Getting out for a day and building something was good for him. I said that he could probably sell decks to half the neighborhood if he wanted. He looked interested for about 3 seconds.

Their biggest problem was that they listened to my mother. My brother and I have discussed this and M&K are the latest crutch she needs. My mother needs to control someone, and my brother and I told her to fuck off long ago. So, she’s got them now. My recurring, and unhelpful, line is “Why did they buy that house?” They had no business buying a house. I can remember what it was like to be recently married. I wanted a house. But, we waited it out for a while in a crappy apartment until we found something we could afford. Instead of doing the same, they got themselves an interest-only mortgage on a house that’s barely big enough for the 2 of them. They’re screwed. For ever.

But, we now have a deck. I need to dig in a drain and put in the sod. When it’s all done, we’re going to have a little oasis in our yard. It may only be 20 feet wide and 11 feet deep, but it’s going to be awesome. After that’s done, we’ll re-focus on the kitchen and get the cabinets hung.

Hopefully, I won’t lose my job during all of this and we can keep improving the house. Yea…work is great. I don’t even want to talk about it, but I’m most certainly cranky. Cranky with RedCompany, with my boss, with HealthCareRelatedCompany and with everything.

Otherwise, we had a quiet and rainy Mother’s Day. Shmuppie bought JewelrySlut a new bromeliad and a nice orchid. I built a deck and supplied unsatisfying sex. I also cooked up an awesome penne with vodka sauce and some very tasty salmon.

I’d just be happy if the weather improved. It has not been very warm yet and our drought is most certainly over at this point.

In my next installment, I’ll talk about my annual Homeowner’s Association meeting. It should be fun.


She’s 6? What the fuck happened to us? And, where’d all my hair go?

Happy Birthday, Shmuppie. We love you very much even if you lead us to borderline alcoholism.

Let’s add some photos:

Literally…her birthday


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