A boring, mostly unfunny update about my bathroom

We had a banner weekend at Casa NoGood. We employed the services of our favorite contractor to renovate the master bathroom.

We employed the HAPC.

Never heard of the HAPC? They have a proud history.

HAPC is a wholly owned subsidiary of the somewhat more famous HACC. Never heard of the HACC? Your loss. The Half-Assed Carpentry Company has been in business since 1998 and has been doing shitty work ever since.

The HAPC, of course, is the Half-Assed Plumbing Company. Please don’t confuse then with the HAEC (Electric). They played a small part in the work this weekend too.

But, back to the HACC. They got their start in 1998 back in Hackettstown. I found myself as the happy owner of a house that was falling apart. I also found myself without any money. So, I did a lot of “home improvement”. And, yes, it involved a lot of shimming and caulk. One day, I’d like to own a house with walls and floors that are straight.

The HAPC came next as I learned that bathrooms like to leak. I learned again that copious amounts of caulk can solve a lot of problems. Sink leaks? Caulk it. Leaky toilet? Caulk it. Hell…once, I crawled up into the attic during a storm and shot caulk into a hole in the roof in an attempt to stop water from cascading into the kitchen. Caulk saves everything.

The HAEC has not done a lot of work because OSHA and JewelrySlut have deemed them to be wholly unsafe. This stems from the one time I tried to short a circuit rather than shut off the breaker. The resulting burns didn’t go over well.

More recently, other franchises have opened. The HADC (deck) opened last May. With an assist from a lovely assistant, we were able to build the deck and have it still be standing a year later. The HASC (sod) failed miserably last year and los investors literally tens of dollars.

HAKCC (Kitchen Cabinet) seems to have had some success. The kitchen remains upright and straight.

So, this past weekend, we hired HAI (Half-Assed Industries) to work in the bathroom.

When we bought the house nearly 4 years ago, our bathroom was a disaster. The day after we moved in, we called Bath fitter because we were not using the shower until it had been replaced. The rest of the room was dreadful. There was awful striped wallpaper and a broken sink. I used to sit on the crapper and peel wallpaper off the walls. When we re-did Shmuppie’s bathroom, we were able to use her sink in our bathroom. Of course, the guy who did the work had to work fast because the valves would not shut. He had to work faster than the leaks were happening.

A year ago, a friend of my mother was gutting her bathroom. She noticed the vanity and counter top and had it saved for us. So, finally…a year later, I got to work on installing it. The deck and kitchen got in the way. But, with Thing2 coming, we decided to do the bathroom now.

Friday: I ripped up the toilet and put it in the shower. Classy…I know. I ripped apart the existing sink and vanity. A lot of spackling followed. There were holes all over the place from 30 years worth of nails, screws, towel bars, etc.

Saturday: I started by sanding all the spackle. COUGH. I made quite an amazing mess in the bathroom. Everything was covered in dust. Then, I primed the walls and ceiling. By the way, if you have popcorn ceilings, don’t paint them. Hire someone. It sucks ass…twice. I hate popcorn ceilings. Thankfully, we only have them in our bathroom and the dining room. I’m never painting the dining room.

Off to Lowe’s I went for paint and supplies. I had to buy wood, valve things, more wood, and something else. It added up to $145. I got home and then painted the walls and ceiling. The color is a nice tropical blue. The ceiling still sucked. A lot of paint was used and I was unhappy.

Then, I tried to tackle the floor. There have been rust stains on the floor behind the toilet for as long as we’ve lived here. We’ve tried to clean them, but it was hard with the bowl in place. With it out, I went to work. I sprayed an assortment of caustic things on the floor. Nothing worked. Eventually, I gave up. The floor’s cleaner, but not white. It’s more of a pale tan in the area behind the toilet.

Then I ate dinner, watched basketball, and went to bed.

Sunday: I went out to buy new insides for the toilet. I needed JewelrySlut to help me through the 25-step process of reassembling it. I hate plumbing. However, I got it set back up and put together with no leaks. That’s a first for me. Usually, toilet repair = lots of leaks. Toilet in, I went to work on the cabinet. We needed to bring the floor up to the right level to hold the cabinet. That was easy and I got to use the table saw again! It got screwed in and I placed the counter on it. I then started wiping it down. Then I noticed the blood. Lots of blood. It seems I had sliced my finger open on one of the holed drilled for the faucet.

Then, we hired the HAEC for their part of the job. I killed the power to the circuit named “Upstairs bathroom”. I swapped out the light switches in about 4 minutes. Then I went to work on the outlet.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

FUCK!

That makes sense…why put the outlet in the bathroom on the bathroom circuit? It, apparently, was on the master bedroom circuit. I cleaned the urine off the floor and continued. By the end of the day, the toilet was working, the shower had been cleaned again and the cabinet was mounted.

Monday: Mid-morning, I went upstairs and caulked the counter to the cabinet. I had to go back to Ace to buy sink guts. Before dinner, Shmuppie helped me put in the faucet. We out it all together and turned on the water. Amazingly, we only had one small leak. A few turns of a wrench later, the leak was gone. Simply amazing.

In a little over 72 hours, I’d remodeled the bathroom. Well…almost. I’m not quite done. I have paint to touch up and some more caulking to do.

Then, we need to hire the HACC for an important job. The counter we’re using was originally from a double-sink. It’s cultured marble. We’d had someone cut the left side to fit the cabinet. But, it doesn’t extend across the bathroom. So, we had another piece cut. I now need to screw a frame into the wall and mount the extra piece of counter to it. It needs to be dead on level and fit smoothly against the existing piece. I dread this job. I’m not good at being exact and I already know that there don’t seem to be enough studs in the walls. This should end horribly with me lying under a slab of marble.

But, all in all, it went well. By this weekend, it should be 100% done and I’ll be ready to tackle the next tasks at the house. The kitchen cabinets still need to be stained and finished. I need nice weather to do that task.

Other updates:
It’s a girl.
JewelrySlut is getting huge.
Poor Shmuppie has been sick for 2 weeks.
I’m still not allowed to leave the house.

baby march 20
Look! a cropped off picture of our unborn child. My HTML skills suck. that, or I need a wider template. where are those homos I use to design this place?

Questions…that bothered him so

“Mommy? How does the baby get out of you?”

Yup…it’s that time.

Shmuppie asked JewelrySlut the other day and she was unsure how to answer. Not because we’re all Puritanical or anything and we’re channeling our old Catholic upbringings, but more because the kid can’t keep her mouth shut.

We know if we explain it, she’ll go to school and start telling people. And, when she does, she’ll get in trouble. She’ll get in trouble because Shmuppie’s teacher hates her. Don’t think so? Well, about 3 weeks ago, the kid got in trouble for wiping her ass. That’s right. She was in the bathroom making poopies and the teacher demanded the return to class. Shmuppie could not because she had a wipey dump. So, the kid lands in trouble.

Anyway. I suggested we talk about how the baby got into Mommy first.

You see, honey, here’s how it happened:
Daddy got Mommy drunk.
Then Daddy fumbled Mommy’s clothes off.
Mommy said “No. That’s not where it goes if you want to make a baby.”
Daddy started sweating and grunting.
Mommy cried.
The baby was made.

I think that’s a fair representation.

Getting back on topic, I’m not sure it’s OK to explain that the baby comes out of Mommy’s ha-ha either. We’re gonna have to work on the story to make sure we have it straight and easily explained.

Maybe we’ll explain it while we’re on vacation next month. Then, the kid can ask questions all week and maybe be tired of the conversation by the time she goes back to school.

Speaking of which…a final and huge Fuck You goes out to Delta. No, I do not want a 20 hour layover in Atlanta. I want a fucking flight to Puerto Plata that costs under $1000. I realized…and I’m dead serious, that we could have flown to and stayed at a 4-star hotel in Beijing for less money that it would have cost to go to the Riu Bachata again. That’s just not right.

So, we’re renting an oceanfront house in Emerald Isle. It’s not the Caribbean, but it’s not work either. We’re hoping for some nice weather so we can sit in the sand and I can impale myself on a variety of fishing-related things.

I can’t seem to avoid RDU and the dopes who travel from there

On Tuesday s and Thursday s, Shmuppie has swimming in the late afternoon/evening. JewelrySlut takes her to the Y and often exercises during that time.

When home…
(Dance break)
I’m hope now. For the undetermined future. We froze all travel that’s not sales-related. So, I’m here. At home. It’s odd. I have to try to manage production from 400 miles away. It’s not gonna be easy. I also can’t wait to see how, 3 weeks from now, we all react when I’m still here. We all love each other, here at Casa NoGood, but we’re also all used to me leaving every few weeks.
(/dance break)

On those evenings, I cook dinner. It’s kinda nice. I go upstairs at about 5:15, pour myself a drink, and spend the next hour whipping up something for dinner.

Yesterday, I’d decided to thaw some ground turkey to make meatballs. I was gonna keep it simple; spaghetti, meatballs, a little sauce and salad.

I puttered about and had everything just about done. The ladies had just walked in the door and food was coming to the table.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My cell phone? WTF?
(Checks the ID)
Fuck

Me: Why did I know I’d be hearing from you soon?
WCG: Bawk Bawk Bawk B-Gawk! (That’s kinda how she sounds when I replay our conversations in my head)
Blather. Blather. Blather. Flying from RDU in the morning. Blather. Blather. Blather. $70 to park. Blather. Blather. Blather.

Me: Sure. Come here and I’ll give you a lift. Leave the car here

WCG: Because Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. And then Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather.

Me: Do you have a GPS or do I need to email directions?

WCG: Blather. Blather. Blather. Email

Me: What time is your flight?

WCG: 11:45. Blather. Blather. Blather.

Me: OK…dinner’s ready. See you in the AM.

(Time passes)

It’s this morning.

My ass rings again…

Me: Are you lost?

WCG: No…I’m on the big highway and I’m so scared. I didn’t know roads could be paved. This is asphalt, right? I’m used to riding a donkey everywhere I go.
(It wasn’t really this way, but it’s funnier this way)

Me: See you in 6 minutes.

WCG: Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Blather. Where do I park?

Me: A visitor spot.

WCG: How do I know it’s a visitor spot?

Me: They’re the ones with VISITOR printed in them.

(7 minutes pass)

I see the WCGMobile pull into the lot and park.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Me: I’m looking right at you. Why are you calling me?

WCG: Which house is it?

Me: The one with me in it.

All the while, JewelrySlut is cleaning Frip’s cage and telling me I’m an asshole.

So…WCG came by this morning. We had a chat, I made her coffee. She offered to give me a BJ in trade for letting her park in our parking lot. JewelrySlut thought it was a fine idea. I was horrified (and it takes a lot to horrify me).

I showed her our new backyard and she read your blogs for a while as I was pretending to work.

Now she’s on her way to FLA and her car is in my parking lot. Can I sell anyone an old Buick? I’ll take $100 and a blowjob…assuming you’re right purty-like.

Baby update:
She’s still pregnant. Next ultrasound is on March 20. We’ll find out the sex of the baby at that time. We have a girl name picked out but don’t have a boy name yet. We have one that’s in contention, but not settled on yet. The other night, I went from A, naming all the names I could. Took a while, but we may have a winner.

JewelrySlut is getting fat.

I said it.

I’m an asshole.