There’s not much going on lately. There’s a ton of nonsense, but who wants to hear about me pulling weeds out of my front yard? I don’t want to be doing it so I can’t imagine you want to hear about it.
Have I ever mentioned JewelrySlut’s BFF?
I don’t think I have.
BFF lives here in the neighborhood and her and JewelrySlut are tight as tight can be. All summer, they share long talks at the pool and truly enjoy each other’s company.
My god, it hurt me to even write such a lie.
BFF lives nearby and is an idiot. She talks too much and makes poor JewelrySlut want to cry.
That’s more like it.
BFF also has 2 kids. One is 9 or so and the other must be about 11. They’re both mentally retarded or possibly gay or possibly evil. We’re not sure.
Shotgun, as we call the younger one, is more retarded than anything else. He doesn’t speak like a human. Rather, he spits out non-sequitors. He’ll appear at the house and stand on the front steps. He doesn’t ring the bell or knock…just stands thee. Then, when you get off the floor (having suffered a minor heart attack at the sight of an odd-looking child with his nose pressed to your storm door), he’ll say something like “HI IS SHMUPPIE HOME I LIKE POKEMON WE’RE AT THE POOL MY DOG’S NAME IS SMITTY AND THE OTHER DAY AT SCHOOL BLUE THINGS SCARE ME”
The Eyes, as we call the other one, definitely has a touch of the gay and a big heaping of the evil. He doesn’t look at you when he talks. He stares right through you and glares at your soul. He also gets tired after about 5 minutes in the pool and needs to rest. He’s also best friends with a 40-something year old woman. All in all, he’s really evil.
Back on track…
JewelrySlut manages to avoid her BFF for most of the non-summer months. BFF works at the Y, but JewelrySlut has become very good at avoiding her at all costs. I get cornered all the time when I’m there, but I mostly make up stories to tell her. That’s a fun game because BFF stores up all my made-up stories and then tells them to JewelrySlut all summer long. JewelrySlut then has to try to figure out when it was that I went to Greece to trap llamas.
But, mostly, BFF likes to talk and talk and talk and talk. She just rambles about how her husband is stupid (he really is), how her house is falling apart (it is) and about how she’s always trying to keep her kids way from the horrid influences of
BOM BOM BOM
Yup…in addition to everything else, BFF has a touch of the racist in her. It’s delightful.
So, back to my point.
Last Sunday, Shmuppie and I are out back planting sunflowers. BFF and Shotgun walk past on their way to the pool. Shmuppie, not knowing any better and never one to pass up a chance to swim in 43 degree water, wants to join them. We wrap up our work and I tell her we can go to the pool.
I tell JewelrySlut that we’re going and she groans. JewelrySlut does not want to go to the pool to face BFF. There are several reasons:
It’s not that warm out
BFF is awful
I have purposely not told BFF about JewelrySlut’s current condition
JewelrySlut is mostly uncomfortable lately as the baby settles in and is expanding her sovereign right to be in mommy’s belly
JewelrySlut is not happy with her bathing suit options.
Usually JewelrySlut can be found at the pool in a bikini. BFF also wears one, but it’s not the same. BFF has, over the past 4 years, developed a beer gut. She doesn’t drink (She claims not to be able to smell or taste food…so she doesn’t eat…but also complains all the time about how she doesn’t like how things taste), but is looking sloppier than I do after 4 months of eating at the Olive Garden up in PA. JewelrySlut can’t really fit into her bikinis lately. She could fit into the bottoms, but the top would be a mess of too-big boobs and a fleshy expanse of belly (I really am an asshole, aren’t I?). So, she bought a big tankini suit. It’s all rainbow colored and makes JewelrySlut looks like a huge Gay Pride flag.
Shmuppie and I get to the pool and I start listening to BFF babble about something. JewelrySlut then waddles up to the pool. It’s clear that something is up. She’s usually skinny and in a bikini. She’s now expansive and wrapped in a flag. Does BFF say anything? Like “Wow…you’re pregnant!”
She just stares at JewelrySlut. You can see the gears in her head turning. She’s clearly happy that, over the course of the winter, JewelrySlut seems to have gained 20+ lbs and that, sloppy belly and all, she can reclaim the title of Pool MILF. We were only at the pool for about 45 minutes before the rain came, but you could see BFF trying to find ways to tell people that JewelrySlut had gotten fat.
It’s gonna be a delightful summer. I think JewelrySlut is finally going to snap in the next few weeks and try to murder BFF.