That bathing suit makes you look FABulous

There’s not much going on lately. There’s a ton of nonsense, but who wants to hear about me pulling weeds out of my front yard? I don’t want to be doing it so I can’t imagine you want to hear about it.

Have I ever mentioned JewelrySlut’s BFF?

I don’t think I have.

BFF lives here in the neighborhood and her and JewelrySlut are tight as tight can be. All summer, they share long talks at the pool and truly enjoy each other’s company.

My god, it hurt me to even write such a lie.

BFF lives nearby and is an idiot. She talks too much and makes poor JewelrySlut want to cry.

That’s more like it.

BFF also has 2 kids. One is 9 or so and the other must be about 11. They’re both mentally retarded or possibly gay or possibly evil. We’re not sure.

Shotgun, as we call the younger one, is more retarded than anything else. He doesn’t speak like a human. Rather, he spits out non-sequitors. He’ll appear at the house and stand on the front steps. He doesn’t ring the bell or knock…just stands thee. Then, when you get off the floor (having suffered a minor heart attack at the sight of an odd-looking child with his nose pressed to your storm door), he’ll say something like “HI IS SHMUPPIE HOME I LIKE POKEMON WE’RE AT THE POOL MY DOG’S NAME IS SMITTY AND THE OTHER DAY AT SCHOOL BLUE THINGS SCARE ME”

The Eyes, as we call the other one, definitely has a touch of the gay and a big heaping of the evil. He doesn’t look at you when he talks. He stares right through you and glares at your soul. He also gets tired after about 5 minutes in the pool and needs to rest. He’s also best friends with a 40-something year old woman. All in all, he’s really evil.

Back on track…
JewelrySlut manages to avoid her BFF for most of the non-summer months. BFF works at the Y, but JewelrySlut has become very good at avoiding her at all costs. I get cornered all the time when I’m there, but I mostly make up stories to tell her. That’s a fun game because BFF stores up all my made-up stories and then tells them to JewelrySlut all summer long. JewelrySlut then has to try to figure out when it was that I went to Greece to trap llamas.

But, mostly, BFF likes to talk and talk and talk and talk. She just rambles about how her husband is stupid (he really is), how her house is falling apart (it is) and about how she’s always trying to keep her kids way from the horrid influences of



Yup…in addition to everything else, BFF has a touch of the racist in her. It’s delightful.

So, back to my point.

Last Sunday, Shmuppie and I are out back planting sunflowers. BFF and Shotgun walk past on their way to the pool. Shmuppie, not knowing any better and never one to pass up a chance to swim in 43 degree water, wants to join them. We wrap up our work and I tell her we can go to the pool.

I tell JewelrySlut that we’re going and she groans. JewelrySlut does not want to go to the pool to face BFF. There are several reasons:
It’s not that warm out
BFF is awful
I have purposely not told BFF about JewelrySlut’s current condition
JewelrySlut is mostly uncomfortable lately as the baby settles in and is expanding her sovereign right to be in mommy’s belly
JewelrySlut is not happy with her bathing suit options.

Usually JewelrySlut can be found at the pool in a bikini. BFF also wears one, but it’s not the same. BFF has, over the past 4 years, developed a beer gut. She doesn’t drink (She claims not to be able to smell or taste food…so she doesn’t eat…but also complains all the time about how she doesn’t like how things taste), but is looking sloppier than I do after 4 months of eating at the Olive Garden up in PA. JewelrySlut can’t really fit into her bikinis lately. She could fit into the bottoms, but the top would be a mess of too-big boobs and a fleshy expanse of belly (I really am an asshole, aren’t I?). So, she bought a big tankini suit. It’s all rainbow colored and makes JewelrySlut looks like a huge Gay Pride flag.

Shmuppie and I get to the pool and I start listening to BFF babble about something. JewelrySlut then waddles up to the pool. It’s clear that something is up. She’s usually skinny and in a bikini. She’s now expansive and wrapped in a flag. Does BFF say anything? Like “Wow…you’re pregnant!”


She just stares at JewelrySlut. You can see the gears in her head turning. She’s clearly happy that, over the course of the winter, JewelrySlut seems to have gained 20+ lbs and that, sloppy belly and all, she can reclaim the title of Pool MILF. We were only at the pool for about 45 minutes before the rain came, but you could see BFF trying to find ways to tell people that JewelrySlut had gotten fat.

It’s gonna be a delightful summer. I think JewelrySlut is finally going to snap in the next few weeks and try to murder BFF.

Who are you?

OK Fuckos, someone’s been banging Ardrian’s site from here pretty hard. Who are you?

For that matter, who the hell are all of you? I’ve seen the same damn IP’s for 4 years. Shor your faces. You in the Navy, you in Charlottsville, you in Redmond, you in Texas, you in FLA.

Who the hell are all of you people?

1/2 hour in my life

I have spent a lot of the past 4 years wandering around in a daze. I’m sure the super tanker of booze I’ve consumed plays a small part, but, mostly, it’s the oddity of my life that causes it.


Yesterday: 5:15PM
“Oh look. I can pretend to stop working now. Let’s go downstairs.
Hmmm…what’s for dinner? Oh right! Leftovers. There’s some broccoli. I’ve been meaning to cook that for Shmuppie and myself. I’ll do that.
(Opens beer)
Mmmmmmmm….beer. Red Stripe.
Deedle Deedle Dee…’How are you feeling, hon?’ (Barely listen to answer). Grab JewelrySlut’s boobs and squeeze them…Deedle deedle dee.”

Ok…so to this point, things are OK. It’s a nice day and I’m cleaning broccoli. It could be worse.

My pants vibrate.
“Oh look…it’s MK from Michigan. He’s been dodging me for days. He needs to get his ass in gear and do some work for me.”
We chat about work, but it’s mostly about how he’s a huge loser who makes excuses for not doing his job. He agrees because he knows I’m right. He tells me he’ll catch up on the work he needs to tend to.


“Shit! The office line is ringing and I can’t pick it up.”
Why not?
Well…the receiver to the cordless phone is in the guestroom. The base of the phone is in the kitchen? Why? Because, ever since the damn flood, I have had to play Phone Olympics to make sure we have access to both lines on the top 2 floors of the house.
“Double Shit. It’s my boss”

I hang up on MK and head upstairs to call the boss back.

“What? Who’s texting me?”

“Please send me the # for AmEx Travel. Love, MP”
Blerg. MP knows that I have the number and she must be in somewhat of a crisis not to have it handy. I know the number’s in my phone, but what I don’t know how to do it text someone numbers. I can barely text letters…numbers present an entirely unique challenge.

I fumble about and get the number sent back. “Oh look…phone is now on low battery. SHIT”

5:30PM – I call the boss back. He puts me on hold for 2 minutes.
“When were you going to tell me you’d volunteered to work on the new client?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your name’s all over the project plan”
“The new client in Chicago? The one that requires someone to be on site?”
“Yup. Had you planned on telling me?” (He’s kidding about that)
“Umm…I kinda figured that as soon as I found out, I’d tell you. You do realize I don’t live in Illinois, right? A lot of people still think I live in South Carolina…I can almost understand that, but Illinois?”
“Yea…I thought so”
“I’m wondering…what job did I volunteer for?”
“IT Manager”
“Really? That’s great. I can certainly try to do the job, but I can’t make any promises about how I’d do.”
“I’ll remove you from the project plan”
“Do we know who did this?”
“Ok…I’m a little confused. I still have a job, right?”
“Hell yea”
“Ok then…I think I need a nap now”

5:37PM – I wander downstairs. JewelrySlut gets one look at me and ass what’s wrong.
“Did you volunteer us to move to Chicago? Someone seems to have volunteered me to move to Chicago. Was it you”
“Yes…it was me. Pack your things and leave”
“You do realize this leaves you with that (points outside) and THAT (points at her belly)?”
“Never mind then”

At this point, Shmuppie runs into the dining room:
“C tried to beat me up. He tried to strangle me” (C is her little friend from a few houses down)
“What now? Why did he try to strangle you?”
“He got all mad and started beating me. Bye”

At this point, I’m making a face that must resemble a dog looking at a radio and someone who smelled a really bad elevator fart. I sit down for a moment to collect myself.

The front door opens and shuts. C has left the building.


It’s C and his Mom. My first thought is that the other side of the story has come out and C is here to tattle on something Shmuppie did. Like beat him with a rake or throw bees at him or whatever kids do these days.

No…as usual…C wants to stay for dinner. I curl up in the chair and start sucking my thumb. JewelrySlut explains that it’s leftover night and we don’t really have enough for him (we do…but we can fib). C’s Mom explains that they’re having spaghetti for dinner. JewelrySlut explains that we’re having leftover spaghetti. C throws himself on the floor in our front hallway because he doesn’t want spaghetti.

I now start rocking back and forth. Nothing is comforting me.

C’s Mom unglues him from our floor and drags him home. Shmuppie sees me in the chair and decides it will be fun to jump on my head and fart.

End Scene.

As always…it’s my life. You just get to watch it happen.

12 days in my life

Thursday April 30:
We had a roughly 7:00 or so flight down to Tampa. We were going for a visit to see the old folks. I had work to do though. I had to get their laptop running, make sure the wireless worked, hook up the printer, work my “real job” and then drive home.

The flight was fine. We left on time and got to TPA in good shape. Shmuppie was a tad upset though. She wanted to know where the movie and meal was. We explained 1: this is Southwest…be happy to have a seat, and it’s only an hour-long flight. We arrived, picked up our free rental car (ended up costing about $100 once all was said and done with taxes, fuel, bend over and take it fees) and drove up to Crystal River.

Friday May 1:
I was up early and off to work. I’d gotten my laptop on the wireless network the night before, but JewelrySlut’s would not connect nor would the new laptop. This frustrated me mildly, also did the fact that as the house came to life, it turned into an insane asylum.

Components of a crazy house:
Barking dog? Check
Bored 6-year old who does not understand why Gramps insists on not letting her watch her shows on TV? Check
Said TV on the local news with the sound off? Check
Old people bickering about how to work the remote? Check.
Elderly father in law who’s got a degenerative disease that’s rendered him waaaaay cranky? Check.
Stepmother in-law who’s sweet as can be but also a ninny? Check
Pregnant wife who needs to be fed and is also a mix of sad and maybe just tired by the whole FLA situation? Check

I finally got the wireless working and kept plugging away at my day. My cell was ringing constantly and I was spinning plates in an attempt to not lose my mind. I started in on the printer and realized the software was missing. This led to another old-person fight. 300MB of download later…I was back at it.
The 3 ladies went to lunch at one point, leaving me in the house with Gramps. He now had the SOUND ON THE TV AND WAS WATCHING A MOVIE.

I called it a day at 4 and we went to the pool. We ate and all went to bed by 9:30. Western FLA saps me of my will to live.

Saturday May 2:
I got the 3 of us the hell out of Dodge and out to breakfast. Mmmm…Cuban Sandwich.

Back to the house. The kid was restless again, the dog was barking and there was more bickering. I still had to hold Computer Training for Geezers 101, get us out of the house again, and get ready to leave.

The 3 of us went to a local beach and let Shmuppie frolic in the water. JewelrySlut had a nice sit in the sun. We went back to the house for computer class. Unfortunately, Grandma has the attention span of a sea cucumber and could not be coerced into sitting down to learn anything. Explaining what a router was and why it needed to be kept plugged in was a chore. All the while, Gramps was watching us and muttering about how: A: This wasn’t necessary because he can’t use a computer, B: Leaving things plugged in starts fires, C: This is pointless, D: I am probably doing it wrong.


Finally, it was almost time for me to go. I needed to get Gramps to sign the deed of his car over to me and get moving. He can’t drive anymore and, thusly, didn’t need his car. He was also afraid to sell it. We agreed to buy it. So…new(ish) car for me. Unfortunately, the registration and insurance was missing.

Cue the barking and yelling.

I found the registration, but the insurance card was gone. While the rest of the group yelled, I called Nationwide (on my side) and got them to show me how to download a new one.

Having loaded the back of my new car with trash, I set off. What? Trash? Yes…the garage is a mess, but Gramps won’t let anyone throw anything away. Does anyone need about 47,000 vacuum tubes? I can get them for you. So, I left with a carload of junk.

I drove off, leaving JewelrySlut staring at me with sad eyes. They were staying through Monday. The ride out of FLA is painful. 3+ hours of back roads and state highways filled with speed traps. I hit Jacksonville and started shooting up 95. I got to Savannah about 2 hours later (having missed my hotel’s exit because my glasses were in Crystal River and I was mostly blind) and went to bed.

Sunday May 3:
Out hotel, turn right, turn onto 95 North. Drive. Left on 40, right no Beltline. Home.
I was home by 12:30.
I cleaned up the house and made myself dinner. Then, I drank a bottle of wine and went to bed.

Monday May 4
Work work work.
The ladies got home at about 6:30. JewelrySlut was cooked from the 4 days spent down there.

Tuesday May 5
Happy Birthday to Shmuppie! My little girl turned 7.
They had a party at school and by the time she got home, she was flying high on cupcakes.
Gifts were opened. She got:
A snorkel set
A tent
A basketball
2 water guns
A croquet set
A hunting decoy in the shape of a turkey. It now lives in her room, and in her words “freaks her out”.

We had dinner and cake and all went to bed.

Wednesday May 6:

Oh fuck! That’s the water alarm!

Yup…it was flood time again! The sewer main was backed up apparently and the basement was swimming in foul-smelling water. I ran to Kenny’s house so he could get one of his guys to clean the line. I started pumping out the basement. JewelrySlut was almost in tears. The cleared the blockage just as people were all waking up and using more water. It almost got really bad down there.

We spent most of Wednesday clearing the basement of our possessions and loading them in to a storage unit that the Annes rent. The cleanup guy came and pulled out the carpet padding. The carpeting, after a good cleaning, was salvageable. Fans were set up and we stated drying out.

This time, the water only hit the store room, 1/2 of Shmuppie’s playroom and about 1/3 of the family room. We lost no possessions. We learned our lessons in 2005.

Here’s what happened. The Homeowner’s Association fired Kenny’s company from doing the sewer maintenance. They brought in a new company and, about 3 weeks ago, they cleaned the lines. Unfortunately, they were not advised of all the trouble spots in the system. So, when they flushed the main, it made an already-existing root impaction worse. This built up over 3 weeks until it finally backed up the system and hit us. And, for fun, the Homeowner’s Association is saying it’s not their fault and won’t pay my bills. My insurance doesn’t cover it because the blockage was off my property. So, now I have to battle the Homeowner’s Association for $1000 in cleanup bills.

We went to bed on Wednesday very tired.

Thursday May 7:
More drying of rugs.
I am now working in the guest room at a card table.
Part of the repair outside involved cutting down a large tree at BigSexyGlenn’s house. I used the resulting mulch to put the final touches on the front of the house. It finally looks good.
By the end of the day, we were pretty well dried out.

Friday May 8:
Time to start cleaning. We moved the sofa out onto the patio and rolled up the rugs. I then washed the cement slab with about a 1:1 mixture of bleach and water. Mike was over and he was told to stand guard and make sure I didn’t pass out.

Having bleached the house, we let it dry out. The carpet cleaners came at about 5:00 and spent 2 hours doing their thing. I had them spray everything they had on those carpets. They’re clean now.

Saturday May 9:
Farmer’s Market
More basement rearrangement
Yard work (more mulch needed out back)
I planted grass at the Anne’s houses as thanks for letting me fill their storage unit
I also set up Shmuppie’s tent in the now-empty basement. She quite rather enjoyed that.
We took JewelrySlut out to dinner…Korean Barbecue. It was, as always, awesome. Shmuppie enjoyed her first trip to the restaurant.
We went to bed exhausted…again. Shmuppie slept in the basement…in her tent.

Sunday May 10.
Happy Mother’s Day.
We had hoped to go rent a canoe or something, but the morning’s weather was bad. So, we did the next best thing. We went to BabiesRUs to go register. It had occurred to me that we have not done a lot of baby planning and August is coming up on us rather quickly.

Doing the whole Registry thing is about 6000% easier the 2nd time around. I was able to split up the store into 4 parts:
Fear Mongering devices – “This baby kick meter will prevent Stillbirth!”
Crap nobody needs – Wipe warmer
Crap you’d like…only if someone else buys it – a cool-looking baby swing
Crap you need – Sheets, carriers for the car, stroller

I felt bad for the first timers. I remember their pain. I remember wanting to cry when I learned that layette was a word.

We got through everything in good time and figure that JewelrySlut’s rich-lady friends from the gym will pony up for some stuff.

We sat outside for a while (the weather took a 180) and then went to my parent’s house for dinner.

Bark Bark Bark…dinner…wine…home and to bed.

I am as tired as I have been in roughly forever. The basement’s still not done. I need to get a carpet guy in here to replace the pad and lay the carpet down.
We have a plumber coming to install a backflow valve and a sump pump into the line that floods.
We have to reload the basement.

I’m tired just thinking about all the work that still needs to be done.