Big Trouble Again

I wonder if I possess the strength to beat my head against my desk enough to actually give myself a concussion. Because, I could use one right about now.

We’re in trouble with my parents again. What a shock.

This is why:

For her recent birthday, Shmuppie wanted to see a Mudcats game with the whole family. So, all 6 of us went…and the rain started. The game was eventually called when local animals and fat people started lining up 2 by 2 in the outfield.

From what I understand, JewelrySlut and I were not pleased enough to see my parents. They apparently felt slighted.

Let’s see. We were standing in a damp, cold, concourse, watching Moo run amok while waiting for Shmuppie to blow a gasket because her birthday was rained out. And, we’d gone out to lunch and were full. As a result, we weren’t our usual beer-guzzling selves.

When they finally called the game, we decided NOT to go back the following day because my parents could not make it. They’d been sniping at each other all day about power washing. In fact, when they called that very morning, neither had wished Shmuppie a Happy Birthday. They had taken turns complaining to me about the other. We decided to go this coming weekend.

We also mentioned that we were making the birthday feast on Sunday. Shmuppie had requested Korean-style pork and BBQ fixins. We didn’t invite my parents because we were pretty sure they would not eat what we’d made. It is a tad on the odd side.


Time pasess…

Now it’s Mother’s Day weekend. My mother had invited Shmuppie up to MD for the weekend to watch by brother and SIL run in one of those Tough Mudder things. We reminded them both that it was Mother’s Day weekend and that, perhaps, Shmuppie should stay home. No harm, no foul…as far as we knew.

So, on Mother’s Day, the 4 of us went to brunch at a dim Sum place (yes…we are total food snobs). Since my parents were away, we never mentioned it to them. Even if they’d been home, we would not have mentioned it because they’re not quite the chicken feet and pork bun crowd. We called when we got home and left a message (confirming, to us, that they were not home). They called back at about 6:00PM and missed us because we were walking to a nearby store to get some bread (man…we just sound like awful foodies here. Then, I jumped in my Hybrid and joined the Occupy Movement). They left a message and we all moved on.

Or so we thought.

On Monday, I went to St Louis and Shmuppie started a few days of her End of Grade Exams at school. And, bedlam ensued at home.

Still…as far as we know…all is well.

Then it started.

I had posted pictured from Shmuppie’s birthday dinner, including the nifty ice cream cake JewelrySlut had made. My father mad his monthly visit to FB and commented on the cake picture. He said how much of a shame it was that, despite living only 6 miles away, they could not share such a special occasion with their beautiful granddaughter.

Ah…the passive aggressiveness of the NoGoodFamily has now come out.

In fact, a FB friend messaged me to say “Wow…you’re in trouble now”.

Now we know we’re in the shit…we just haven’t realized how deeply we were. By mid-week, my brother had posted a message saying that he was ready for his mud run.

Oh. Fuck.

My mother had the weekends wrong (shocking) and they had been home for Mother’s Day…and we had ignored them.

JewelrySlut and I could sense the cloud of bad hanging over Raleigh. So, on Monday, I had Shmuppie call her grandparents. She missed them and left a message. My mother called back and got me; Shmuppie was outside playing. I could tell that she was pissed but, in typical fashion, wasn’t saying anything. I confirmed that we were on for Saturday’s game and was told to call my father.

I emailed him (not wanting to do this over the phone) and we got a long reply this morning outlining all the bad things we’d done (as shown above). He suggested that we all get together so JewelrySlut and I could explain why we were acting the way we were and explain why we had so many problems with them.

Allow me to also mention that, recently, we switched from AT&T back to Time Warner for our internet. That’s not an important detail other than to say that we were able to reactivate our old TW email addresses. Guess whose mother has been emailing her daughter-in-law on the unmonitored email address for some time now. And who is unhappy that her daughter-in-law’s been ignoring her through email and not responding to invites for social gatherings. Yup…so we’re in trouble for something we didn’t even do or know that we didn’t do out of no fault of our own.

In essence:
They watched the girls in April while we went away: something they offered to do and strongly suggested. We have not appropriately paid them back yet
We were not happy enough to see them at the rainout
They did not come over the following night for dinner or cake
We didn’t do anything on Mother’s Day
We just suck, in general.

This is how it goes; they offer to do something and we accept. Then, we are not made aware of the strings that are attached and end up in trouble for something we didn’t know that we did or didn’t do.

They fester.

They fester some more.

We go on with life trying to maintain sanity in the face of what goes on at our house from 5-9 every night (utter chaos).

They fester some more.

Then, they start sniping.

You’d think that, at any time in the past 3-4 weeks, they could have called to ask what was wrong; why we weren’t happy enough at the game.

No…they prefer to let it build. I’ve actually been told that I’m supposed to call them when this shit happens because, as the son, it’s my responsibility. As I’ve said “I’m supposed to call you because you’re mad at me about something I don’t even know about”. Yes. That’s how the parent-child relationship works.

Maybe they could have called for Mother’s Day to see what was going on. No, that’s MY job. I’m supposed to coordinate all holiday gatherings. I didn’t even try this year because, as far as we knew, they were not at home. I didn’t think to call them earlier in the week to make sure that their schedule hadn’t changed. I’m gonna have to take a hit for that; for not checking up on their schedule.

JewelrySlut will take a hit for not taking the girls to their house the day after Mother’s Day. The kids didn’t need to say goodbye to me before I left for the airport; that was not as important as seeing my mother.

However, whenever they decide it’s time to talk, I think JewelrySlut is gonna blow. I try to keep her from these sit-downs because they just end up sucking.
But she’s had enough.
Enough with them creating these scenarios where we’re the bad guys.
Enough with letting these things stew.
Enough with the online troll attacks.
Just enough.

Whenever this powwow happens, it should be buckets of fun. We can either just accept the blame for everything and roll over…which will give us 4 months until the cycle starts again or maybe everyone can agree not to do this anymore.

I doubt that will happen. We’ll just start the cycle again. The only problem is that, with every cycle, my scar tissue builds. I’m tired of this and really have next to no patience for it anymore. I wonder how badly I need to have my parents involved in our lives. With more of these episodes, I’m going to wonder if I need them at all.

Go to hell, Wii

I was in Saint Louis last week. In and of itself, that’s unremarkable. A few days spent out by the airport meeting with annoying college administrators is about as exciting as it sounds. What was remarkable about it was that, while away, I missed my 500th day on the Wii Fit.

Today was day 509 and I’m going to take time to look back and remark about how awesome I am.

We started on the Wii on December 26, 2010. I weighed in at an appalling 188lbs. The Wii told me I was overweight and suggested I either kill myself or lose some weight. 2 days later, I weighed 190lbs. The Wii spat at me, told me I was fat, and stormed off. I agreed with it. I had been watching my weight creep up consistently for a while. I exercised regularly but could not keep the pounds off. I knew that the jump from 190 to 200 would not be a hard one to make. 200 was NOT going to happen.

After the Wii got done telling me I was fat, it casually mentioned that my optimal weight was 162.5lbs. Holy Fuck. When had I ever weighed 162.5lbs? It probably was my senior year of high school. I know I was in the 150s during swimming season, and I also know that I tended to gain weight after the season ended and I wasn’t burning 14-bilion calories per day in the pool. So, I probably weighed about that much at graduation. Yikes.

I set my first goal; lose 5lbs. Wham…it came off. It wasn’t hard.
I set another goal: lose another 5. Thank you, stomach virus. Off it came.
Having lost 10lbs, I decided to rest a while. I let myself settle in at 180 for a few weeks to make sure I could hold it.
5 more came off with relative ease.
The next 5 were a pain in the ass. I had started running and immediately suffered foot injuries. All I could do to lose weight was watch what I ate. That’s not easy in this house when I know, at the start of every day, that I’m staring an extra 500-600 calories in wine intake per day.

Do the math. 500-600 calories per day / 100 calories per glass = NoGoodDaddy is an alcoholic

Finally, my feet got better and I could run. It took a while, but I eventually hit 170. I had lost 20lbs. As a bonus, none of my clothes fit. FUCK!

I sat there for a while, knowing the next 5 would be the hardest. Fortunately, it was now the summer of 2011 and we were eating lighter meals. It’s just too hot to eat anything heavy during an NC summer. I stayed right around 170 for a while and then I made the push to 165. I hit it in early September. I’d lost 25lbs. The clothes I bought at 170 were now hanging off of me. Double FUCK!

The Wii kept pestering me about 162.5. “You know, dickweed…your optimal weight is 162.5lbs”

Meanwhile, JewelrySlut was telling me that I looked fine. Of course, she was 10lbs below what the Wii told her she should weigh. She’s lost 20lbs in the same timeframe. As a couple, we’d lost 45lbs. But, 162.5 kept laughing at me. I was never gonna make it.

In April, JewelrySlut and I were able to go away for a week…just the 2 of us. Despite the many miles biking around Emerald Isle, we both managed to put on a few pounds. That daily 500-600 calories from wine probably was over 1000. Hey…the kids were in Raleigh. Leave us alone.

Since mid-April, I’d been staring 167 in the face every damn day. And, keeping it at 167 was not easy. I could feel myself wanting to start creeping back. And I had told myself that I would NOT lose all this weight just to gain it back. Plus…I had NOTHING that fit at this point and was not about to go buy size 34 pants again.

So, last week I was in Saint Louis. And, I was traveling with someone who really didn’t drink. When I got home on Friday, the Wii scolded me for having missed 3 days (It really can be an asshole when it wants to be one).

Then it scolded me for my weight.

I’d done it…I’d blown through its imaginary number and found myself at 161lbs. Now the damn thing wants me to gain weight. And, this week, try as I might, I’m still dropping pounds. I just weighed in at 160lbs and change. I’m a skinny little shit.

There really is no moral to this story. If you care to know, this is how we lost weight:

That’s it. We still cook all of our own food and eat well. We just eat a little less with every meal and finish dinner off with a salad. It takes up that remaining space in your stomach and does so with next to no calories. Since I can’t eat dairy products without getting sick, I don’t have to worry about being tempted by many desserts. That’s not to say that, on a Saturday night, we won’t blow through half of a chocolate cake. Cuz we do. But, by the following Wednesday, it’s gone. I can’t say that we’ve given up any food that we love. We just eat a little less of it. That 3rd helping of pasta is now a salad. The 2nd helping of potatoes; salad.

I also run between 17 – 20 miles per week. I now consider myself a runner…not just an asshole who runs. There’s a difference. Look at my feet, you’ll see it. I’ve not yet been told that I look like a runner, but JewelrySlut has. Despite hating what I’ve done to her, she was proud of herself. Just the other night, she announced “I have the split!” Her calves had “finally” split and you could see both heads of the gastroc muscle.

Do we stand around in our underwear and pose for each other?

We might

Did we earn it?

We did.

You can lose 20lbs too. You don’t need a pill or some magic diet. All you need to do is burn more than you take in. Run, bike, dance, masturbate vigorously. Do something. And, at dinner, finish it off with a salad.

So, get out there and get sexy!