Who are we? We’re not the Millers…

Before I bore roughly nobody with a tale of a trip to Disney that, at one point, had my mother lying on the floor of the Canada movie, you need to know who went.

It’s been a while. We’re not the droids we used to be.

Me: Well, I’m still me. I’m an asshole albeit one with less hair than the last time we spoke. However, I’m an older asshole…not to say I’ve grown up…simply older. I’ll be 40 in a few months and while this doesn’t scare me into the whole “Ermahgerd I’m old” way at all, it’s something to ponder. I usually don’t have time to ponder it because I’m too damn lazy. I’m just trying to do my thing and wring a little joy out of life (man…this whole “get back into writing” really is showing off its dark side, isn’t it?).

Let’s face it, 2013 really sucked ass and I’d like to move on. So, here I am. Nearly 40, bald, high blood pressure, generalized malaise.

I like to think that I look more like this:

But really, it’s more like this:
This is who led the troupe south for a week. Shackleton I am not.

JewelrySlut: We remember her. Sassy, potty-mouthed, oh so tolerant… Well, she’s still many of those things but a little more tired around the edges. Having 3 children will do that to a woman, especially when one of the children is a nearly 40 year-old bald asshole. She’s now a Zumba lady and got her license in 2013. So that’s cool. She likes it and is good at it so why not try to make a few bucks doing something you like. Beats sitting here writing this shit.

She likes to think that she looks like this:
Mostly she feels like this
Shmuppie: Remember her? My little pants-crapping spawn? She’ll be 12 in a few months and is in the 6th grade. What now? She’s a budding soccer star who is learning the ukulele. She’s a good big sister. Howevah…she’s got the common sense of a sea cucumber. She also has the hygiene of a 14 year old boy. This is a kid who, when given $100 for the day in Disney, came back with a 6’-foot wide sombrero and asked me to hold it for her.

Sometimes, she can be this.
J 1-20-14
Mostly, she’s this
J hat
Moo: Well…then there’s Moo. She’s….well…she’s hard to define because if she didn’t look like her parents, we’d be convinced she belongs to another family or another species. This is NOT her sister’s sister. For all the jock that Shmuppie always was, this is the family princess. This is the spitting image of her mother. This is what happens when the 2 of them spend a LOT of time together. It’s not fair to me. She’s got every single nuance, eye roll, glare, mannerism and body language her mother has.

She sees herself as:
We see her somewhere between here:

And here:
moo choc
This group got in a car and drove 500 miles in September. We all made it home.

It’s about a Mouse

Last September, we had to do it. One can take one’s children to the beach only so many times before they start chanting like deranged lunatics about what they REALLY want to do. So, we did it. And it wasn’t too bad.

We did Disney.

We’d been holding them off for a while because we’re of the mindset that if you take a toddler to Disney, you’re a fucking lunatic. Taking kids…taking ANYONE there is a chore. But a slobbering pants-crapping kid? No thank you. I’ll handle those 2 areas on my own thank you very much.

Like all things, we planned the trip. My parents belong to a timeshare thing. They bought it in 2004 for reasons unknown and have been adding points to their account at a pace unknown to mankind ever since. They’re all platinum level and have 80,000 points per year to play with. What does 80,000 points get you as a platinum member? Enough to spend 8 weeks in Hawaii in the high season in an oceanfront deluxe condo.

Or…it’s enough to buy a resort in the Disney area.

Over the years, whenever they didn’t’ know what to get us for any occasion, my parents gave us “a week of points” knowing damn well we’d never use them. So, while we had probably 4-6 weeks of points in our Christmas stocking, we had never cashed them in. Now was the time to do so. But, we did so with great trepidation because nothing in this world is free. I tried to convince myself that we could stay on the grounds in a discount hotel. I tried…and failed. We were stuck.. Basically, we couldn’t NOT ask for the points because we’d be in BIG TROUBLE if we went and didn’t use the points.

So I asked. In a “Well…if you have any extra points available and might be able to spare them, and it wouldn’t be too much trouble, we’d be really grateful if we could have some points…but really…only if you have plenty to spare”. They said yes. I was only using like 1800 points so my father laughed at me for even asking.

Then it was time to pay. “So Mom…do you want to come too?”

JewelrySlut and I cringed as she said yes. We’d discussed this too and knew that this was, at least, a double-edged sword.
Pros: We had an extra adult and could split the kids up and handle them separately
Cons: Have you met my mother?

We booked a 3BR condo and bought the admission tickets.

And wouldn’t you know it, as we got closer to the trip, the other shoe fell. JewelrySlut and I are not stupid; we were ready for these shoes because we KNEW this was coming.

“Your father wants to come too. “

Of course he does.

“And, he can come mid-week and bring C”

Of course he can.

C, you see, is Shmuppie’s best friendboy. We’re not allowed to call him a boyfriend. He’s a friendboy. So, why the hell not, let’s take a family vacation for 4 and turn it into a 7-person circus.

We has some old passes that we hoped my father and C could use.

So, we had quite a mission on our hands. We had 2 kids to deal with all week and then a cranky old man and another kid arriving on Wednesday. To say nothing of my mental state in 2013; this trip could not have come at a worse point in the project schedule, but I didn’t care. I was going away for the week and the world probably wouldn’t spin off of its axis. But, fingers crossed!

So, that’s all you get for now.

Though, the week down there led to this picture

No, I didn’t win a lamp

I can make excuses all day long. Fuck you and fuck me and my excuses.

Here at the Big Red X, they nominate people in the North American Delivery Organization for recognition. I don’t know how many people there are out there who do what I do either directly or tangentially, but it’s a monstrously large beast that, for the most part, excels at doing things piss-poorly.

So, one can be nominated as being especially delightful or something. So, in 2013, 350+ people were nominated. About 170 got recognized. So, if you get nominated, it’s a 50/50 shot you win. And you win a gift card for $175. That strikes me as an amount that’s odd as fuck, but what do I know (or care).

I won in the 4th quarter. Yay me.

I also learned I was nominated in the 3rd quarter but didn’t win. Boohoo for me.

Here’s where it gets fun. Of the 170 or so winners, they pick 8 for the year to be recognized as being especially awesome.

Guess who’s awesome?

So, I get $175 and “receive an invitation to a recognition dinner and an overnight trip with a guest”. I’m not sure if I get the trip paid for, but I do get a shiny invitation. Knowing my luck, the dinner is at a Cracker Barrel in Hickory NC.

Am I ungrateful? You betcha. Know why? Well, here’s what was said about me.

“Robert worked untold hours with great personally sacrifice in support of XXX” (FANTASTIC typo left there on purpose)

Here’s what my most recent boss said about me (I say “most recent” because I’m now on my 7th boss in the past 30 months. Yay for reorgs!)

“You met the challenge and exceeded where others failed. I could not be more impressed that you worked tirelessly (sometimes 12 and 16 hour days) to make that account successful, there is no quit in you.”

So…if I understand, all you need to do to win an invitation to dinner is be willing to put your life on hold for a year and sacrifice your happiness, your health (physical and mental) and the overall well-being of your life and family.


Because that’s what I did and that’s where I’ve been since September of 2012. I’ve been in a hole working to set every record for performance that our organization has. I didn’t eat right, I didn’t run enough (getting bitten by a racist dog didn’t help), I drank WAY too much (and that’s coming from me), I didn’t sleep well and I was a more insufferable asshole than I normally am. And, it seems that, in order to get your boss promoted, that’s what they expect from you.

My direct team is down to 6 people. We used to have a dozen. 6 have quit because this is such shit. And before anyone tells me to get off my ass and do something…I’m trying. I’m actively looking for new opportunities both in side of and outside of the company because I need a change. As I told people this morning, I’m tired of having to implement other peoples’ bad ideas. I know I can do it and I want to do it…my way.

Anyway…I want to do more of this in the coming whiles. I promise to try harder at writing. Maybe it will help me get out of the funk I’m in.

Here’s what we look like now.


Captain America to the rescue. You suck. – incredipete