Before I bore roughly nobody with a tale of a trip to Disney that, at one point, had my mother lying on the floor of the Canada movie, you need to know who went.
It’s been a while. We’re not the droids we used to be.
Me: Well, I’m still me. I’m an asshole albeit one with less hair than the last time we spoke. However, I’m an older asshole…not to say I’ve grown up…simply older. I’ll be 40 in a few months and while this doesn’t scare me into the whole “Ermahgerd I’m old” way at all, it’s something to ponder. I usually don’t have time to ponder it because I’m too damn lazy. I’m just trying to do my thing and wring a little joy out of life (man…this whole “get back into writing” really is showing off its dark side, isn’t it?).
Let’s face it, 2013 really sucked ass and I’d like to move on. So, here I am. Nearly 40, bald, high blood pressure, generalized malaise.
JewelrySlut: We remember her. Sassy, potty-mouthed, oh so tolerant… Well, she’s still many of those things but a little more tired around the edges. Having 3 children will do that to a woman, especially when one of the children is a nearly 40 year-old bald asshole. She’s now a Zumba lady and got her license in 2013. So that’s cool. She likes it and is good at it so why not try to make a few bucks doing something you like. Beats sitting here writing this shit.
She likes to think that she looks like this:
Mostly she feels like this
Shmuppie: Remember her? My little pants-crapping spawn? She’ll be 12 in a few months and is in the 6th grade. What now? She’s a budding soccer star who is learning the ukulele. She’s a good big sister. Howevah…she’s got the common sense of a sea cucumber. She also has the hygiene of a 14 year old boy. This is a kid who, when given $100 for the day in Disney, came back with a 6’-foot wide sombrero and asked me to hold it for her.
Sometimes, she can be this.
Mostly, she’s this
Moo: Well…then there’s Moo. She’s….well…she’s hard to define because if she didn’t look like her parents, we’d be convinced she belongs to another family or another species. This is NOT her sister’s sister. For all the jock that Shmuppie always was, this is the family princess. This is the spitting image of her mother. This is what happens when the 2 of them spend a LOT of time together. It’s not fair to me. She’s got every single nuance, eye roll, glare, mannerism and body language her mother has.