She turns 1 in a week. What happened?

I got good loot for mah birfday

She got some cake

Maybe I should write more often…

On August 10, 2009, I was on a conference call at 7:30. On said call, I was ridiculed, embarrassed and told my services would not be needed at my job. Of course, I still had to do my job; I just had to feed it to someone else who’d be the front man. I was deemed expendable and unnecessary.

That was the bottom. As I saw it, things could only get better.

It improved 7 days later when MooMoo came to see us.

It improved even more the following day when I had email from the Ops Manager at another job. They wanted to talk and start the process of hiring me.

It got better when I got that job and was able to start it.

It’s only gotten better since. I should say the highlight was the arrival of Moo, but it really has been my improved happiness. She certainly played a large part, but being happy at work, not having to travel and feeling better, in general, played a larger part. It took a while, but I finally feel good about just about everything. I still have plenty to bitch about; but not as much as I did a year ago.

What did I have a year ago?
More hair
A larger waistline
A pregnant wife
A job I loathed
7 St John shirts
19 Hawaiian shirts

What do I have now?
Less hair
A smaller waistline
Moo!
A job I love
9 St John shirts
20 Hawaiian shirts

Some you lose, some you win. All in all, the year goes in the win column.

Ugh. We’d only gotten to bed a few hours before. Friday night, our Canadian pal, Michael Buble, played the RBC Center. We knew going in that we were going to pay on Saturday for the fun of Friday night, but what can you do? The concert was fun, but we decided that it’s not worth sitting in shitty seats. You miss too much of the fun. And, you end up sitting next to smelly people who eat horrible-smelling food all night. Darling, there’s a reason you have to rest your arms on your boobs, it’s that fried slop sandwich you’re inhaling.

Anyway…we had to be at a local pool for 7:00 warm-ups. This meant a 6:45 departure. JewelrySlut stayed behind for a few minutes. She’d have to leave the meet early to go get Chicken from my parents’ house. So, we left and stopped at a local Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. We fuel the child with donuts before her early AM meets. I needed coffee.

15 minutes later, we left with 2 donuts and a coffee. Thanks DD, you suck taint. You really should have more than one asshole working there in the morning. The pool jerk was stupid to begin with but was also manning the counter and drive through. He was pitifully overmatched. My sternly-worded note has been sent to DD. I want me a gift card!

Anyway…we got to the meet and settled in. It was already about 80 and the humidity was just as high. I felt miserable. The kids warmed up and they started lining up for the first relays. Shmuppie was told that she would not be swimming in the first relay. As it is, she swims up with the 9-10 year old girls every week. She used to be on the #2 relay and, this past weekend, moved up to the #1 relay. Of course, the rest of said relay bailed on the meet. Seething, we told her to sit down.

Meanwhile, the coach was pleading with some remaining 10 year olds to swim up in the 11-12 relay. They’d have to be willing to swim a 50 though. They’re used to 25′s. I told the coach that Shmuppie would do it. So, the 8-year old swam with the 11/12 group. She led off the relay and swam a respectable backstroke. In fact, she was leading the race when she finished her swim.

She then went out and won her age group in the Free, Back, and Fly. Her free relay may have won.

On a related note, we recently had her evaluated for the Y’s year-round team (You can’t say “try out” because that may hurt feelings).
Afterwards, I spoke to the coach:
So…what’s the commitment really like on the Green Team (the lowest level)?
Who’s your kid?
Shmuppie
(He laughs). Oh no…she won’t be on the green team
(Head hanging). You’re gonna put her on the White Team, aren’t you?
There’s no need for her to be on the Green Team.

Blerg…The white Team is 4-5 practices per week. From 6:15 – 7:45. We’re not sure how we feel about it for a few reasons.
1: It’s a big commitment and she may not be ready to make it
2: We may not be ready to make it
3: That’s the end of weeknight family dinners. Call us old-fashioned or, if you read the NY Times, trendy, but we believe in sitting down to dinner. As it is, we only get do it maybe 4 times per week because of activities and whatnot. We like meal time, even if, lately, it’s punctuated by Chicken spitting mashed up food at us.
4: Did I mention the commitment? The last thing we want is for Shmuppie to do what I did; give up swimming at age 9. There’s a thin line between fun and burn out. We’d be edging up to it. With this program, if she progresses (and I’m not saying she necessarily will), the goal of the team is to either get you a D1 scholarship or to qualify for Trials. Will she do it? Who the fuck knows? But, that’s the path we would be taking. They’ve been eyeballing her for a few seasons now and she’s only 8! Good Lord help me.

Back to Saturday: We got home from the meet, dead tired and hot. The 4 of us all tried to nap, but Chicken was not in the mood. There were places to explore and things to eat.

We did some shopping and had a swim. The bottom line is that by the time the evening rolled around, we were dead. I hadn’t felt that tired in years. I wanted to cry I was so exhausted.

Chicken slept from 7:30 – 9:00AM
Shmuppie slept from 8:15 – 9:00AM
JewelrySlut and I slept from 10:00 – 8:30AM.

That’s a lot of sleep.

Sunday:
It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do for your well-being.

We had breakfast, did the grocery shopping, and all felt better. Shmuppie and I went to the pool while Chicken slept. While there, some neighbors started discussing wine. This, naturally, led to someone running home for 2 bottles and some plastic cups. Sunday at the pool turned into Wine Day.

Then the fun started.

A guy about my age and his daughter had come into the pool as someone else left…the gate had been politely held open.

Well, the Annes (Drunk and Crazy) asked him where he lived. When he waved off in the direction of someplace decidedly not in our community, the fun started. Crazy explained that he really didn’t belong at the pool because it was for the townhouses and not the local apartments. Drunk started yelling. It was explained that this was a private pool and that he didn’t live in the houses that supported it and that he really needed to leave. He responded as we’d all expect: That sounds racist.

Yup…it’s racist. We don’t want you in the pool because you’re black. It’s not because you don’t live in our neighborhood and knowingly snuck in. That has nothing to do with it. We’re all a bunch of white folk looking to keep you down. So, with a fanfare of swearing, he took his daughter and left.

We had more wine.

We left the pool and went home to eat (I’d been slow-cooking pork all afternoon…mmm…pork).

Sometime later, we heard noise from the pool. It seems some people were trying to break in and s few of our neighbors were rebuffing their advances. When told that they could not break in, they, naturally, decided that was the case because we’re all racist. Yes…we’re not letting you bust through a gate because we’re racist. It’s not because you’re trespassing. It’s because we are racist. So, the cops were called by 2 different people, and, hopefully, Antoine was arrested, or if nothing else, spoken to. On the bright side, I’ve figured out how they’re getting in and the gate will be fixed today.

On the bad side, that just makes me so sad.

I hate that the response from these assholes is always “You’re racist”. We’re trying hard this summer to crack down on people sneaking into the pool. It’s 1: not safe (when you see how they behave) and it 2: leaves the pool a mess afterwards. But, you have to be careful about when to call the cops. It can’t turn into “Call the cops any time black people are at the pool”. Unfortunately, the only people misbehaving happen to be black…and not from our neighborhood. I know several neighbors who’d love to call any time anyone with dark skin is at the pool. We can’t do that. But, when the only people who sneak in and trash the place happen to be black, it’s hard not to look twice any time you see dark skin at the pool. And, to knowingly break in and then play the “You’re racist” thing, just makes me sick.

Shmuppie started school last Friday. As I’d mentioned, we’d had it with her old school. Unfortunately, it got to the point where, as I say, the “social experiment” was over. It’s time to get educated. So, she’s at a school that’s about 80% white. Her old school was 80% non-white. Sorry folks, but she was not getting educated at the old school. She was getting babysat for 6 hours a day. So, we did what we had to do, and, in the end, you can call us racist for doing so. But, my kid comes first.

I like to point out to my neighbors as often as possible that class knows no color. Lately, it’s been a hard point to get across to them.

Not much has been going on lately. Shmuppie spent last week on a cruise ship in the evil clutches of my mother. They got back late Sunday/early Monday after their train (??!?!?) broke down somewhere outside Rocky Mount, NC. Yes, they took the train home because they didn’t want to buy plane tickets home and my father didn’t want to drive up to MD to get them. I’ll never understand them. Now, Shmuppie is home and she refuses to talk to us about her trip (or anything for that matter).

“How was the trip?”
“Can we just talk about it tomorrow?”

I so look forward to a week on St John with her. Speaking of which…we’re 4 1/2 weeks or so away from the trip. I’ve done little planning.

Chicken (who I think I will start calling Moo) is crawling. She’s also got a taste for power cords. That’s fun. She likes to eat them, and anything else that comes within 7-feet of her head.

5 years ago yesterday, we bought a little house in NC and started this adventure. I guess it would be more meaningful for me if I’d spent all 5 years here. I did some ciphering and figured out that I’ve spent an entire year not here since we moved here. That’s fun!

As overheard last week while JewelrySlut and I only had one child:

Me: Would you like me to go get you a piece of fruit tart?
JewelrySlut: Yes, but come kiss me first…a lover’s kiss.
(Rolls eyes)
JewelrySlut: You can touch my boobies if you want.
(Sprints over, pulls up tank top, awkwardly fondles while kissing)
JewelrySlut: What the hell was that?
Me: I don’t know. The angle was all wrong. I hate to say it, but that was wholly unsatisfying.
JewelrySlut: It was. You could have said ‘no’.
Me: Say ‘no’ top boobies? Inconceivable.
JewelrySlut: I do it all the time.
Me: And I’ll never be able to understand how.

Some time later…

Me: Do you want more fruit tart? (We’d skipped dinner and were just having dessert)
JewelrySlut: Sure
Me: You have a choice; the piece with more fruit or the end. Mind you, the piece with more fruit comes with a piece of kiwi. And we all know that kiwi fruit is the bonus surprise to any fruit tart experience.
JewelrySlut: You should be writing this down.

In other news, Chicken had a cold last week. Now JewelrySlut and I have a cold. We both feel like shit, have a moody 8 year old in the house, and a reinvigorated 10 month old. We’re both feeling, looking, and acting like the walking dead.

4 1/2 more weeks. I keep telling myself it will be OK. Shmuppie will behave and ChurchBomber and MerlotMan will still want to be our friends after this. They’ve never spent that much time with Shmuppie, and if yesterday is any indication of future behavior, they’ll never speak to us again. Shmuppie starts school in 3 weeks. Maybe they’ll whip her into shape before the trip. Though, Js is SUPER EXCITED to be doing homework while on vacation. Because, it’s normally so much fun at home!

That’s it for me…for now.

But, lately, it’s hit home. Within the past 6 days, 2 people I knew died. Both were older than I am, but neither by much. One was a former neighbor in NJ who was also a coworker of JewelrySlut. He was a nice guy and helped us out from time to time whenever one of our cars would be dead and JewelrySlut needed a ride to work.

The other was an “internet friend”. Did I know him personally? No. But, through a website or 2, I got to enjoy his wicked sense of humor.

Now, 2 of my contemporaries have passed. It’s sobering I guess. I managed to avoid death for a lot of my life. I’ve really only had 3 people I cared about in any meaningful way pass away. I’ve only been to 3 funerals. Not a bad stretch of luck for 35 plus years. But, it’s coming. Sure, people in their 40′s don’t usually die, but it certainly happens to people in their 40′s more than it does to people in their 30′s. Is it something you have to mentally prepare yourself for when you reach a certain age? MA I getting close to that age? am I already there?

As usual, I have no point, but, I’ll add this. For the 2nd person, a sort of “living wake” took place over at The Forum. To say the very least, it was touching. Few of us island geeks have met in person, but we’re a tight little community of borderline alcoholics and obsessive compulsives. Mr. B was one of us, and getting to watch the memories pour forth over the weekend and then the “RIP’s” this morning was special. It brought a tear to my eye and, as we all know, I’m a hardened asshole.

I don’t know…no point as usual, but it’s funny how so many of us now count among our friends people we’ve never met and, quite possibly, never will. But, we’re all friends somehow. And, I kinda lost 2 recently.

And, lastly…cancer fucking sucks.

Here’s my excuse.
I started this place in 2005. It was easy then; this was a new forum in which to vomit words AND we had a story to tell. We were moving to NC and I had many tales to tell.
then, once we got here, it remained easy. Stories about living here and drinking too much became the norm.

then…the travel started. what was once a boring blog about a drunk guy turned into a boring blog about a drunk guy who traveled a lot.

That, of course, gave birth to the boring blog about the drunk guy who complained A LOT about traveling all the time.

Then, I met Bridget.

then, life took a turn and I’m not on the road anymore. Is this what a normal life feels like? Because, it’s nice. I like being home and if it means I don’t have wacky stories to tell about airport delays or midgets, then there’s not much to write about.

Because, let’s face it, all 7 of you read this thing to revel in my misery. What’s the fun in:
Woke up at a reasonable hour
Worked
Pooped
Worked some more
Ate something
Pooped
Worked
Ate dinner as a family
Pooped
Watched TV
Had my advances rebuffed by JewelrySlut
Pooped
Went to bed

There’ not much more to life than that. I can’t see writing about the mundane-ness of life. It’s so fucking boring that I don’t even want to write about it.

And, spewing a rant out about how I think the people who haunt the USVI message board are becoming increasingly insane, just isn’t amusing.

But…summer’s coming. that means the jackasses will be out in full force; especially at the pool. We’ll have a swimming season to endure and an upcoming vacation to obsess over.

I don’t know.

I’m boring.

I like it

Recently, we were feeding Chicken her dinner. It usually consists of 3 cubes of vegetable, 3 cubes of fruit, some yogurt and cookies. On this night, she demanded more food. I gave her a rib bone to gnaw on. she was thrilled

Last week, I had to visit a client site in Greensboro where we’re installing a bunch of devices.

And, yesterday was Shmuppie’s 8th birthday. I am not sure how that happened. I guess this is what I get for not having been home for roughly 4 1/2 of those years. You look up and you have an 8 year old. For any number of reasons, I’m happy not to be traveling any more. It’s funny how quickly a very strange way of life can become normal. Returning to a normal way of life is better. It’s nice to sit down to dinner with the family. It’s nice to watch TV with JewelrySlut. I couldn’t have gotten to the job I’m in now with out that travel, but let’s hope it is over for now. Of course, I now have NOTHING to write about.

Anyway…

She got a Razor Scooter

She also got a badminton (Really spell checker…there’s an “n” in there? Who knew?) set and a camera from us.

Otherwise, it’s Spring. I need to go buy JewelrySlut her Mother’s Day gift. She should enjoy it.

We’re trying again to grow things in our little yard. This year, I’ve annexed some land outside the fence. I’m waiting for someone to bitch about it. Maybe I’ll take pictures of it and post them as another lame-ass entry.

We made a mess of baby food for her…sue those ice cube trays, people. She usually has 4 cubes of food for lunch and then another 4 for dinner. This is all supplemented by boobage and bottles. She’s going to weigh 47 lbs by her first birthday.

Let’s talk about the recent vacation.

Saturday:
The packing went well. I got everything into the car and was even able to get the cargo cover to close. The roof rack came in handy. The ride down was wholly uneventful and we arrived in time for lunch. We bought supplies (food and beverages) and grabbed some pizza. Check in, as usual, was a breeze and we got to the house. The EI houses are lovely, but they have one huge problem on move in and move out day. Our house was 3 floors tall and the living room, kitchen and Shmuppie’s room were on the 3rd floor. So that meant that al lot of crap had to be hauled up 3 flights of stairs. Ugh. We unpacked, settled in and went for a walk on the beach. The weather was cool, but it was OK. For dinner, we bought a mess of pizza and crap from Michelangelo’s and had a quiet evening.

The rest of the week:
Most mornings, Shmuppie and one of her parents would go walk to the local bait/ice/grocery/DVD rental store to get a paper. The house had a great location; less than half a mile from the newspaper, about the same distance from the pier and 3/4 of a mile to Cap’n Willis and his seafood.

We’d get back to the house for breakfast. We brought a lot of bacon on the trip and the ladies enjoyed bacon and eggs every morning. The house’s kitchen had a nice bar area where they’d sit as I slung food around the kitchen. A 2nd mug of coffee out on the deck made for a peaceful start to the day.

After breakfast and Chicken’s nap, the weather dictated our days. We got really lucky this year and had much nicer weather than we did last year. It rained Monday morning, but after that it got sunnier and warmer with each passing day. By the end of the week, I had abandoned my pants all together and was wearing out my one pair of shorts.

We took a lot of walks. The tide comes up pretty far, so as a result, the sand tends to be pretty packed down. This made for good stroller terrain. We’d walk to the pier to see the sights and then continue on to buy dinner. On 5 of the 7 nights, I made some sort of fish. We had a little of everything; triggerfish, grouper, rock fish, shrimp, scallops, etc. Simple dinners, prepared simply. Wash it down with some wine…it’s all good.

It’s funny that when we go to EI, we’re not really vacationing in the traditional sense. We still ended up at the local Food Lion nearly every day, we did laundry, and we cooked. We more or less just shifted normal life out of the insane asylum that is home and moved it to the coast. And…that’s a good thing. I can’t handle staying in a hotel for a week and needing to go out to eat all my meals. I’m just as happy cooking some dinner and enjoying a week’s worth of meals by the beach.

We played mini-golf twice. Js and I took turns with Chicken in the backpack. It’s not east to putt with a squirming, cackling baby attached to your abdomen.

We went to the aquarium. JewelrySlut and Shmuppie did the behind the scenes tour while Chicken and I went on a wee little nature hike. The ladies haven’t been getting along lately, so it was good for them to have a little together time among the fatties and sea turtles.

On other days, when the weather cooperated, we sat on the beach. The house was oceanfront, so we just had to walk downstairs and across a small deck to be on the sand. Chicken was in somewhat of a foul mood for part of the week so poor JewelrySlut ended up spending a lot of time on the blanker trying to soothe the beast. Said beast isn’t much of a napper. She prefers to get pissy when she’s tired. That made for a few un-relaxing afternoons for JewelrySlut.

After tromping around, or sitting, or watching Shmuppie play in the 53-degree water, we’d spend the late afternoon and evening on the upstairs deck. We’d put on some music, pour some wine for the parents, make a painkiller for Shmuppie and watch the sun set.

It’s a great vacation. This is the 2nd year in a row we’ve done spring break down there and we’ll probably do it again…it’s just a matter of when.

You see…Shmuppie is changing schools for 3rd grade. We’ve had enough with her current school and the mayhem it brings. She’s had 2 years in a row with shitty teachers. So…we pulled the plug. She starts the 3rd grade on July 9th. She’s going to a year-round school. It will be different for her and she’ll undoubtedly take it out on s in one way or another, but in the end, we think it’s a good move.

This is how it works: you go to school for 9 weeks and then have 3 weeks off. Rinse, repeat all year long. There are other breaks for Thanksgiving, Christmas and at the end of June, but otherwise, it’s 9 in, 3 out. If she gets into the track (as they’re called) that we prefer, her summer won’t be bad. Normally, she’d be in for 3 then out for 3. They need to do this to get the staggered-ness of the tracks going. With our July vacation, she’ll be in for 2 and then out for 4. Then back to school at the end of August until the end of October. Out for 3 and then back the week before Thanksgiving. Then, in until December 22 and then out until January 3. Out again in late January. Then, in until late May. School ends on June 30.

We like it…so far. Me being me, I’ve identified the breaks by their possible vacation destinations:
August: St John/FLA (to see the grandparents)
Oct/Nov: Disney/St John (Before Nov 15 when the season switches)/EI
Jan/Feb: FLA/Disney
April/May: EI/Disney/St John

That’s not to say that we’ll take 4 trips per year, but it leaves options.

We find out tomorrow if she got into Track 3. If she doesn’t, I’m gonna be pissed because we don’t like Tracks 1 and 4. They’re awful.

That’s enough for now. I should probably be working.

Blow me…hard.

I know I’ve been a bad boy lately, but sometimes, life gets in the way of my meager typing skills.

I’ll recap the last several weeks and then attempt, at a later date, to get into more detail about them.

Basement:
The work is 99% done. The plumber’s coming back any minute now to repair the toilet tank. The seals or something aren’t sitting properly and we need a new tank on the toilet. The drip drip drip of water on the floor was not in the estimate. We need to get one closet door painted. It hadn’t come in

***2 minutes later*** Said plumber just arrived carrying the new tank. It’s the wrong model. Back to the drawing board…

So, the door hadn’t come in when we had everything painted. We also need a cat door cut into that same door. We held off doing it until after the inspections because someone may have raised an eyebrow at it. 2 doors need to be planed down a bit and then we’re done.

I’m in the office as of this week. It’s smaller than I was used to, but as I tell everyone, I used to have way too much space. It’s cozy in here and I’m figuring out where to store all of my stuff. It’s been quite liberating; throwing away old files and things I don’t need but, for one reason or another, had held on to.

We need to do more moving this weekend. The storage unit still has things that need to come in to the basement…the guest room bed included. That will leave 2 piles; attic and “Where the fuck is that going?” Unfortunately, we have an excess of tables and chairs in the unit. I don’t know what to do with them. I hate to get rid of that stuff because, we’ll need it should we ever move to a proper house, but, for now, there’s no room down here and I’m not lugging a table into the attic. We’re almost resigned to needing a small storage unit for the foreseeable future. That saddens us.

Vacation:
The trip to EI went really well. Maybe I’ll post some pictures. That will count as an entry, right? We had good weather all week and had a lot of fun. Shmuppie behaved and Chicken practiced her sitting up and rolling. It really was a nice trip and we all got a chance to relax.

Cleveland:
I followed up the vacation with a marvelous trip to Cleveland. 60 of us gathered for a 3-day training session for work. It was good to meet all the people I’ve been working with since December. No midget attacks though. I did get to see both of their buildings and was lucky enough to see the poor people wait for the bus.

The last morning…the night after the last night…one person came up to me and said “I saw a totally different side of you last night”. Really? You mean the lunatic side? I had spent a good part of the evening discussing the nuances of southern living in my Ricky Bobby/Forrest Gump hybrid voice. People were crying. Good times.

Work:
There’s the main reason I’ve been a bad boy. Months ahead of schedule, they’ve turned me loose on an account. I’m back working on Medco. It’s easier to shake herpes than it is for me to shake them. So, I’m back working with them; currently with the people in Memphis I met twice last year. I was told when I was hired that it would be 6-9 months before I was given an account because, until then, I’d be more or less useless as I learned the job. 4 months into it, they’ve given me an account. It’s cool and scary at the same time. I’m good at managing a client and getting good at using our tools. I’m admittedly very weak on some of our specific procedures, so it’s crash course time for me! But, in the end, when I look back at career moves, this may be the 2nd best one I ever made. Leaving Medco was the best one…things didn’t turn out all that well from 2006-2009, but it was the gateway to this job. I’m happy and more or less stress-free!

Life and such:
Chicken is 8 months old. Not sure how that happened. As of this morning, Shmuppie will be attending year-round school next year. She got accepted and can get out of the educational cesspool she’s been in for 3 years. She starts the 3rd grade on July 9. We need to talk to the school to see what track she lands in. We’re hoping for 3 or 2 (not that any of this means anything to anyone). After the somewhat staggered start to the year, the kids fall into a “9 weeks in, 3 weeks out” routine. She’ll have vacations at non-traditional times of the year. Me being me…I’ve already identified the breaks by their unofficial names: Florida, Disney, Emerald Isle, and Caribbean. We both think it will be a good move for multiple reasons. We have lost all confidence in her current school and think the continual schooling will help too. Face it folks, they’re doing it in Asia…we should be doing it here too.

That’s it for now. I hope you’re satisfied.

We haven’t really had a vacation in a year, since we last went to EI. Having a baby and taking 3 days off from work does not a vacation make.

We’re describing this as the easy vacation. The more difficult one is coming up and looming on the horizon. But back to March.

What we most look forward to is the bridge. After you’ve passed through Swansboro NC, you make a right turn and head towards the water. Looming ahead of you is a tall bridge. You start to cross the bridge and pass over the sound and Intercoastal Waterway. Usually, at about the halfway point, we can feel it…we’re on vacation.

In the fall of 2008, we took a long weekend trip to EI. Work, as was the case at the time, sucked balls. We probably hadn’t completely gotten over the Great St. John Disaster of 2008 and I had been on the road non-stop. But, when we crossed that bridge, we felt a wave wash over us. We were back on EI and all was well.

So, we’re heading out this weekend. This will be our first time away from home with the baby. Anyone with children knows what that means; we need to hire a moving van. The volume of space needed by a child is exponentially inversely proportional to their age. Shmuppie gets a part of the suitcase and a clothes basket. We let her fill the basket with toys, games, movies, etc. If she doesn’t pack it, it doesn’t go. She’s on her own. As a result, we end up with some odd things in the house, but, as long as she stays in her basket, she’s fine.

Chicken, on the other hand, is fun to pack for.
Let’s outline what we need to bring for her:

Clothes: Approximately 47 outfits per day. Yes, we have a washer and dryer at the house we’re renting, but any parent worth anything knows to prepare for a baby explosion at any time. One night a few months ago, we went through 6 pairs of PJ’s in an hour. One must over pack for a baby.

Seating: Sure…we could rent something, but our experience with the island’s gear rental agency is mixed. So, we pack seating. The bumbo will likely go because it’s small. We’re not sure if her table-top feeding/smearing chair will go or if we’ll pack the collapsible one. She’s still a bit too small for the collapsible, so the other chair (not collapsible) may have to go.

Pack and Play/crib: This must go because the child needs to sleep and be contained somewhere. This does fold up, but it’s still big.

Things to play with/drool on: We’ll need assorted chew toys. While small, they need to be accounted for at all times.
Linens: We’ll need all 700 spit rags (the affectionate term we use for them) with us. One can never have enough of these. We’ll need sheets and blankets…again…you always need 3 or 4 sets.

Consumables: Diapers, creams, bottles, formula, etc. We won’t need too much because there’s a supermarket within walking distance of the house, but we still need to bring some.

Of course, we’ve already blown through the available space in the car and are moving on to the roof rack…all for a relaxing vacation 2 1/2 hours from home.

Yes, this is relaxing.

The adults will need some clothes I suppose.

I’m allowing myself a wine box for my goodies…there’s a separate wine box that will be filled with cheap wine. My one box will hold my cooking essentials. Because, of course, I go on vacation too cook dinner every night. Trust me, it soothes me. Cooking a dinner of fresh seafood while watching the sun set over the ocean relaxes the hell out of me. But, this means I need to bring essentials:

Kitchen essentials:
Knives – I can’t trust the house. I’ll need 2 or 3 good knives
Pans: I had to buy a pan last spring. I have a large non-stick “vacation pan” and a shallow Le Crusset (perfect for cooking fish)
Seasonings: I’ll being my little bag of tricks from St John Spice along with other essentials like sea salt, olive oils, and other things like ketchup and mustard
Dry goods: I’ll bring rice and couscous. I could buy it there, but it’s in the house already
Real food (This goes in the big cooler): We’ll pack cheeses, breads, hot dogs, these lovely little dumplings that Trader Joe’s makes, bacon, sausage, and other things of the sort. I’ve been hitting on sale items for a while now to prepare for the trip. Again…I could buy all of this there, but if I can buy it for 40% off at home and bring it, why not do so?
Booze: We’ll bring a case of $3 Chuck and I’ll provision the rest at the local ABC store.

We also need things like beach umbrellas and little sun shade house things for Chicken.

We’re gonna look like the damn Clampetts as we pull out of town.

And, yes, this is the easy trip.

I’ll be less than 3 hours from home and have access to real supermarkets. The house’s water will work and there will be no termites. Saturday morning will be frenzied and JewelrySlut will stay out of my way until I reach the point where I declare “Fuck all of this. It’s not fitting”. At that point, she’ll pack everything and I’ll seethe.

This is the easy vacation.

I’m already terrified of July’s trip. There’s so much on the line for that little island and our future on it. Will the flights be on time? Will the bags (and cooler) make it? Will JJ’s be open? Will the house work? How soon after landing will one of the 4 of us need to strangle Shmuppie because she’s mad that there are no go-karts or zip line tours on St. John?

A lot of my dorky island friends seem to be engaging in a competition lately. They’re all trying to prove to one another who is the “most St John”. They do this by going down 4 times per year and putting off car payments…just to go over and over again. I’m not one of them. We’re all prepared to walk away should this go wrong.

But…next week…it’s the easy vacation. And I look forward to it.