Saturday August 16 (Part 1)

I think I had mentioned earlier that the A/C unit in our room was a little loud. Some people had complained in the guest book about it. But, if my options were no A/C or loud-ish A/C, I’d always take the latter. Just though I’d share this.

I’m asleep and mostly dead. Somewhere in the far reaches of my brain, through the rattle of the A/C, I think I hear banging and voices. Were I at home, I’d be up in a flash. I sleep very lightly at home because I’m always anticipating that tonight is the night we get robbed and killed…then raped.

Anyway…I wake up to hear ChurchBomber’s voice. She’s calling us. I get out of bed, making sure that all my pieces (I’m hung like a squid(enjoy the visual))are tucked into my boxers. I open the door.

Me: (Squinting) Mrumph?
ChurchBomber: We have a problem
Me: Uggadoowha?
ChurchBomber: We have bugs

I dash into our room and thrown on some shorts. JewelrySlut mumbles at me and I yell (over the din of the A/C) that there are bugs in the house.

ChurchBomber and MerlotMan are in the living room. They tell me their room is infested with bugs. I go into the room.

Fuck. Me. Hard.

This trip is officially a nightmare.

Every surface of their room is covered in little flying bugs. ChurchBomber ushers me into the bathroom. On the vanity and in the sink, there’s a layer of bugs about 1/4″ thick. They’re fucking everywhere. I look at her with a look of utter horror.

Me: What?
ChurchBomber: I was asleep and felt them crawling on is
**OK…this is the point where you can scream, puke, cover your eyes or just laugh at the situation. I’ll tell you this…at the time, it was not funny**
Me: WHAT?!
ChurchBomber: We turned on the lights and they were all over us.
Me: Did MerlotMan take pictures?
ChurchBomber: Yes.
Me: What are you going to do? You’re not going back in there.
ChurchBomber: The cottage

At this moment, I noticed that M was nowhere to be found. He was waking up the cottage and getting the A/C units going.

Me: Fuck. I’m so sorry.

She went off to bed and I returned to our room. I told JewelrySlut about what had happened.

Needless to say, nobody slept much. Every time the sheet would move, I’d bolt awake and start slapping at myself like a deranged asshole. JewelrySlut would do the same.

Abandoning the pretense of sleep, JewelrySlut and I got up. The other 2 were already up and in the living room. We all looked and felt like shit. Not sleeping will do that to you.

Despite all this, we had to leave and be clear of the house by 10:00. We actually had work to do. I started gathering bags and cleaning out the fridge. A return trip to the other bedroom confirmed that, yes, this had all happened.

A little after 8:00, I called the owner. I told her we’d had a major problem at the house and that it seemed like a termite nest had exploded or something, but the house was officially infested.

Her: Did you use bug spray?
Me: We’re beyond bug spray.
Her: We have more guests arriving today.
Me: I know. This is bad.
Her: Termites are bad, aren’t they?
Me: (Furious about all the questions I’m being asked and have been asked all week (pump, fridge, etc)). Probably.
Her: Thanks for telling me. I hope this didn’t ruin your trip.

Smokingly angry, I wrote to the rental agency. Ignoring the “write it and put it in a drawer” rule, I dispatched a very angry email in which I tore the house a new one and asked for a full refund. I figured I needed to start negotiating somewhere.

At 9:00, we had a knock on the door. We were nearly packed, but didn’t expect to be thrown out an hour early. It was “The Lady”. She from the phone calls was here. She’d been contacted and wanted to see the bugs.

I ushered her into the bedroom and she claimed not to see anything. I stood there, pointing at a huge pile of bugs. She said she needed her glasses.

Fuck. Me.

Glasses on, she saw the bugs.

Lady: Deys rain bugs.
Me: I don’t care what they are.
Lady: Dey come when it rain
Me: This is bad. Really bad.

Seeing that this conversation wasn’t going anywhere, I loaded the ladies into the jeep and drive them to town. We just wanted to be out of the house at this point.

I dropped them off and went back to get MerlotMan and the luggage. I found him on the steps. He reported that The Lady had been arguing with him about the bugs so he decided that he’d wait outside. He has realized that killing her was a bad idea. We drove back to town and I dropped him and the bags off. I drove the jeep back and returned it.

Now…the initial plan had been for us to drop the bags off at Connections and then do something for half the day. The flight up to EWR wasn’t until 3:30 or so and we were in no hurry t o get to St Thomas. We’d planned a leisurely morning.


I got back to the group and ChurchBomber noticed people lining up for the ferry. It was 9:40. They decided to jump on the ferry and just leave. They chose to go sit at the airport all day rather than endure any more vacation.

I felt horrible. I felt this was all somehow my fault (travel planners are nodding along with me. You invest a lot of time and get a lot of trust when you’re in this role. I’d dropped the ball (or so I felt)). I know by Thanksgiving, we’ll all laugh about this, but I was devastated…more for the 2 of them than for me and JewelrySlut. We still had a day and a half to return to some normalcy before we went home.

We bid them goodbye and lugged our bags to Connections. I told them our story and they laughed. “Rain Bugs!”


I learned that after a huge storm, all the termites hatch or something and seek out a source of light. Since they had left the bathroom light on and the screens had holes in them…bug infestation

We left the bags there and I could officially say that I’d been to Connections. They’re wonderful people there and we’ll use their services again.

Then, we went to see Ruth.

I danced.

We headed to Mongoose to get some breakfast. I was in no mood to eat, but I choked down some food. We kinda wandered about for a while and were just mostly forlorned. It was hot and we were tired. We did some shopping and then just looked at each other. It was about 11:30. We decided to leave.

We took the Noon ferry to St Thomas. For the first time ever, we sat inside. We didn’t want to be out in the heat. We were sad and unhappy and tired and just ready to get off the island. We both felt bad for leaving under such circumstances.

Thus ends the St John portion of the trip.
St Thomas will get its own entry because it’s…St Thomas.

2 thoughts on “Saturday August 16 (Part 1)

  1. Pissed myself laughing! You got tooled for sure on that house. Better than the 3 inch flying roached I had in one house I rented.

  2. Sweet Jesus, that’s funnier than the time JS told me about you finding the palmetto bug in the bathroom and you screamed like a woman. I’d have done the slappy-asshole dance myself if I had to return to sleep after seeing that.


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