Saturday August 9

Learn your lesson now and repeat after me: First Class, baby.

It will be a theme.

Saturday August 9, 2008:

PS: I am writing from the plane. We’re on initial approach.

Woke up at 5:00AM. We had a 7:15 flight and I had work to do. Splitting up into the 2 upstairs bathrooms, JewelrySlut and I got ready. I had to shower and get downstairs to pack the cooler. On Friday, I had packed it and stood on a scale to see how heavy it was. 41lbs. It was hefty. I also learned, that on our scale at least, I weighed less that I expected. Bully for me.

At 5:45, we headed out. We were at RDU and in one of my assigned parking spots 20 minutes later. I have about 5 spots on the 3rd level of the parking deck where I always park. If I can’t get a spot in one of them, I get angry.

We walked into the terminal and faced a mob scene. USAir and Delta were jammed up the ass. The Delta lines were horrid. We didn’t have to wait on them. Wanna know why? (see above dickweeds). We checked in and went through security with no hassle. Although, I have now decided that seasoned travelers not only need our own lines, we need our own airport. I hate you noobs. You all suck with your laced up boots and bangle bracelets. Just do me a favor and die a slow death (outside of the TSA zone mind you).

We got upstairs and got to the gate. When they called for group 1, it was our turn. Boarding the 757, we made a left turn. Only the truly awesome turn left. You all turn right. JewelrySlut was in awe. There are only 2 seats up here on each side of the aisle and you have enough room to cross your legs. We were offered drinks, coffee for me and tea for the lady and we took off.

Snacks were served and we had juice…in real glasses. Wanna know why? You all know.

We arrived in ATL on time and called back to NC to check in with the kid. She was with my parents. We have promised her that the next time we go to St. John she can come. Until then, we’ll enjoy our freedom. We crossed from Concourse E to A and kept up our glamorous life.

My mother had recently received 2 free passes to Continental’s President’s Club. Since they code share with Delta, I knew we could use them. And use them we did. We crossed through the doors and into the Crown Club. I handed in our passes and we had access to go up the stairs into AwesomeLand. In front of us was an assortment of comfy chairs and little tables. No noise, no crying babies, no smelly fat people

I picked up some yogurt and muffins. Then, I went to the bar for screwdrivers. Yes, it was only 9:00, but when you’re glamorous, you drink. And it was free! We sat in the peacefulness and enjoyed out layover. I even pooped! In the bathroom…not in my pants or on the floor. Thinking back, either would have been OK. It’s allowed when you’re glamorous. All that was missing was a hooker or 3 to service me.

I got up to go peepees and noticed that we were boarding. We went downstairs and walked right past the poor folk and right onto the plane. Why? You know.

We sat down and were promptly offered champagne. Fuck yea we were. We had to wait a bit to take off, but JewelrySlut was too busy giggling while I made comments about how nice it was to see her rising above her humble upbringings.

We finally took off and were served lunch. Chicken breast, mushroom ravioli, a side salad, bread and chocolate cake. The fuckers in the back got crackers. Serves them right. We also were offered drinks. We chose white wine. Over the next 2 hours, our glasses never dipped below the 1/2 way point. JewelrySlut giggled and I was just happy to be here. Stress was melting off of us. Or…we were getting drunk. Who knows?

OK…there’s a rainbow out the window and we’re getting close to the coast of Puerto Rico. Time to go for now.

(Back to NC for this part).

We landed in STT and got the bags with minimal hassle. I picked up a Carib at the bar and we toasted vacation for the 47th time. We got the bags and actually had a pleasant ride to Red Hook. Upon arriving, I remembered that there was a new ferry terminal. No more standing in the heat and dust. The ferry left a little after 4:00 and we were St John-bound. We docked and could see MerlotMan and ChurchBomber waiting for us on the dock. It was cool to see them waiting for us right there…we were back.

MerlotMan and I dragged the bags down the road to the Jeep while the ladies went to JJ’s to get started. We drove to the house and I did a quick unpack of the cooler.

Um…why isn’t the freezer opening?

Never mind…we wanted to get back to town.

MerlotMan’s phone dinged with a text: JJ’s closed. At the Beach Bar.

Um? What?

OK…we went back to town, met the ladies and had a drink. We finished up and all went back to the house. Up and down the hills we went. We all remembered our favorite on-island muscle: the ATS muscle.

Never heard of it? It’s the Ankle-To-Sphincter muscle. The driver uses it the most, but the other 3 in the car also give it a workout. When you see a dump truck careening down a hill…on a 1-1/2 lane road, you fire the muscle immediately. For the driver, it’s the switch from gas to brake that fires it. For the rest, it’s the imaginary brake pedal that we’re pumping. The muscle instantly closes your asshole. Without it, you’d crap your pants a lot while driving on the island.

We ran to the market to get supplies like beer and rum and then headed to the house.

At the house, we all unpacked and changed to bathing suits.

The freezer still would not open. This was good, especially when you looked at the 5lb sack of ice that was melting on the kitchen counter. We called our on-island person. She was of no help, but she did offer to call someone else. The other person called and her suggestion was that we turn off the fridge. When we tried to explain that this would cause all of our food to spoil, she bid us a good night. OK. That was fun. So, I yanked the ever-living shit out of the freezer door. Ta Da! It opened. It seemed to be frozen shut and off its tracks. At least we had a place to store the ice and some of the food we didn’t need thawed just yet.

We went out to the pool and had a quick swim. Since we were finally experiencing a breeze on the island we all quickly got cold. Cold? What was that? We’d never been anything but sweaty and cranky at the house before. This was nice.

I made the traditional Saturday dinner of cheese, cold cuts and crackers and we watched some Olympics before heading to bed early. We got to our room and noticed that the A/C actually worked. Oh to be comfortable!

2 thoughts on “Saturday August 9

  1. Great, when I use my credit with Southwest to fly to FL to visit my aunt (fucking geek convention won’t be happening) and get stuck next to a smelly fat chick traveling with 10 kids I’ll think of you.

    I’ll think of you and say ‘Fucker!’. A lot.

  2. Hey fucknuts,

    Stop posting about the 1st class thing. The next thing you know, all the smelly fat dudes will be sweatting into my champagne.

    Also, why didn’t you piss when you took a shit? Sounds like you made up the shit story.

    Mildly amusing otherwise.

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