Sunday August 17

Vacation was coming to an end for us. We’d survived the week and only had to get to the airport on time in order to complete our journey.

We managed to wake up more or less relaxed. Since it’s us, we did have one overnight moment of sheer terror. At 4:00, we woke up with a start. Someone was trying to come through our door and into the room. We heard banging and both sat up in bed yelling “Hello?” Then, there was quiet. Ten there was some more noise. We figured that it had to be the person who comes by to drop off the check out statements. But, shit, he damn near barged our door down.

Not wanting to go up the Thousand Steps again, we went to the MS lobby to find breakfast. Nearly $20 later, we had a coffee, a tea, a stale bagel and a muffin. Whoohoo for hotel prices. We saw that the beach restaurant had yet another buffet set up, but didn’t want to pay the inevitable $20+ per plate charge.

We ate in the lobby, overlooking the ocean. The view was nice.

I went to the desk to remind them that I had not received my Platinum gift in our room. I normally would not have said anything, but they made me fill out a stupid form with my gift requests on it. So, I told them I hadn’t gotten anything and would happily just take 2 bottles of water from the store. A million apologies later, we had our water.

We went back to the room to pack up and call to have the luggage picked up. The flight wasn’t until 4:40, so we had all morning to hang out. We dropped the bags at the lobby and went to the beach.

The beach at the MS is nice enough. We found some chairs, having been pushed out of the way by charging tourists at least once and made our way into the water. Eh…it was wet. The breeze was kicking up so we just bobbed around a bit before realizing we were bored and would be happier at the pool.

We spent the rest of the morning poolside, reading and taking occasional dips to cool off. I picked up a cup of ice at one point and we polished off the last of the rum from the night before. It was a peaceful morning and a nice way to ease into the trip home.

My plan all along had been to go somewhere in the hotel to shower and clean up before the trip home. We found our way up the Thousand Steps to the FR. We made our way past the giant spider and the troll bridge and eventually found the Fitness Center. They had lovely locker rooms and showers. We both cleaned up and went out in search of lunch.

Another soggy sandwich for us!

We bussed back to the MS and sat in the lobby and ate. We actually sat next to the lovely lobby bar. If you have been reading any of this report you know that it was closed. I mean, why would it be open?

At about 2, we called for a cab and set out for the airport.

We hate St Thomas.

As we got close to town, my asshole started to pucker. And, not because of the hills or anything; just because St Thomas is evil. It’s too damned crowded. Yuck.

We’d spent the past day making lists like this:

On St Thomas, you have to “do” your hair. On St John, women use ponytail holders and guys were hats
STT: Boats driven by Duffman! StJ: Sail boats
STT: You wear pants, shoes and socks. StJ: shorts…flip flops
STT: Roads are paved and smooth. StJ: Not so much (STT may actually have an edge here)
STT: Dopey submarine rides where you get to “Discover the undiscovered St. Thomas on board the high-tech Atlantis Submarine!” StJ: Get a snorkel, asshole
STT: Coral World! StJ: A big-ass National Park
STT: Airport. StJ: Ferry dock
STT: What the hell is this shit? StJ: Capt Phil teaches you to tickle a sea cucumber’s anus.

The list goes on and on. I honestly can say that I could never imagine spending any extended time on St Thomas. It makes me twitch. I’m a St John person. You either are or you aren’t.

We are.

We arrived at the airport in the middle of the usual chaos there. The lines for Delta stretched back about 53 miles.

Not for us.

Oh yea bitches!


We had our own little line and only had to wait for the counter people to clear one group of you classless fools before we were helped.

We got checked in and then lugged our bags off to the next station. We did the whole US Customs thing, lied on our forms, and dropped our bags at the angry X-Ray people.

We got on line for Security and saw these guys. Who knew that the USVI had a skeleton team?

Through it all, we got to the gates. We took a quick look at the gift shop (all St Thomas-related shit) and then went to get one last beer before we left.

We waited a little while and then got the call to board. JewelrySlut was devastated once we got on board. According to the waitresses, in the USVI, booze may not be served while on the ground. So, no champagne for JewelrySlut.

We took off on time and I got some good pictures of a Carnival ship that was leaving the islands. We settled in for the flight to ATL. The meal wasn’t nearly as good as the one the week before, but food is food. Te waitresses were also not as nice as the ones we’d had the week before.

We also drank a lot. I think we polished off 2 bottles of wine by ourselves. Needless to say, when we got to ATL, we were giddy.

We had less than an hour in ATL to make our connection, so I knew the bags would not be joining us in RDU. All I wanted to do was make it to the gate and the plane. The bags could get home whenever they got there. Naturally, I led us on the wrong monorail. We went from Terminal B to A instead of from B to E. So, we got to ride twice.

We got to our gate just in time to board. We were among the last people on the plane. We quickly threw back a vodka and cranberry each and took off.

Then we had another drink.

Then we had what we think was a good idea.

Then we landed.

The bags didn’t arrive, so I filled out the paperwork and headed home. Once we got home, the booze hit us.

Shit…we very quickly noticed that we were very drunk. We were fine at RDU and fine in the car. But, as soon as we got home, we couldn’t stand up any more.

I booted my laptop to give it a chance to start downloading the enormous pile of email that was waiting for me and we went to bed.

That was it. Vacation was over.

I’ll add that on Monday, I had a hangover that could have killed an elephant. I had taken the day off from work to play catch up, and didn’t do very much. We picked up Shmuppie at some point and I was mostly dead.

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